Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
High Functioning Alcoholic
I am only at the beginning stages of admitting this...so I want to start off with a question...
Do any of you have a spouse who is a functioning alcoholic or do you believe that your spouse might be one? How do you deal with it; how do you approach your spouse, if you have? How have you convinced them to stop, if at all?
Thanks.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
Re: High Functioning Alcoholic
Mine soon to be ex H is one, among other things. It took me a long time to reach that conclusion and he is still in denial about it. In many ways, it can be difficult to diagnose. For example, my H doesn't drink and drive and would never do anything that would make his alcoholism obvious.
How did I deal with it? I ignored it for the longest time. Then it got to the point where I stopped buying his beer because of money issues and he would yell and get angry over it. Then I noticed him drinking my bottles of wine I keep aside for special occassions. Or my mini bottles I would buy for a recipe. One day, I noticed there was NOT A DROP in the house and I finally had it.
We are separated and have not convinced him to stop (that I am aware of). Last time I spoke to him he says he has not had any, and if that IS the case, he is still acting like a dry drunk.
You have a long tough road ahead of you. A family member also dealt with this, but her H was a "happy drunk." It took over 10 years for him to sober up. I think it really depends on how willing your H is to fix things because without that, you are going to be spinning in circles with no end in sight.
I agree that there is no issue with having a drink every night; however, I'm going to assume the original poster knows her situation well enough to know whether her H is an alcoholic or not.
The definition of an alcoholic has many dimensions. Some feel like they NEED to have a drink every day. Some rarely drink but when they do, they binge drink.
OP - I would also recommend getting individual counseling for yourself. It has helped me.
I grew up with a father who was absolutely like this. He was incredibly successful at work, well liked and respected, but when he came home he was a different person. Only those within our four walls knew the real story, and a select few extended family members. When it finally came out even friends of the family were shocked. He never accepted this fact and still drinks to excess, though it is slightly reduced because he gets sick from it now that he is older. I have an obligatory relationship with him but there is little emotion attached to it. It destroyed our family. Had he acknowledged the problem there could have been a very different outcome.
Get help immediately. No matter what part you play in this. If you are the spouse, go to Al-Anon and talk to those close to you that you trust. If it is you get to AA asap and again, talk to those close to you that you trust. It is so cliche but admitting it truly is a big part of the battle. But there is so much more as well. Strike while the iron is hot. These moments of clarity and admission can go away quickly so take action to get on the road to recovery, whether as the one suffering yourself or the one who is dealing with a spouse like this.
I wish you all the best and please know you are incredibly brave for taking these steps. Whatever you do, continue to move forward in the direction you are going with this question you are asking yourself.
You can't convince them to stop. They have to do it on their own. You can shove truth down their throat all day but it doesn't make a difference until THEY want to change.
IF his drinking is making you uncomfortable, then he has a problem.
If his drinking is interfering with your life and with his, he has a problem.
If he has health problems due to his drinking, he has a problem.
If he tells you "I can stop anytime I wish" he has a problem.
If you and he argue about his drinking, he has a problem.
Get yourself to Al Anon; you cannot make him stop drinking, nor can you convince him to stop. He's got to be the one to realize he has a problem and only then will he get help; AA calls this a rock bottom moment.
Why did you marry somebody with a drinking problem? You should have left him flat when you realized he had a problem when you were engaged.
A drunk will drink you out of house and home and he will also erode your self esteem.
Better a broken engagement than an expensive messy divorce, but the hoss is already out of the barn on that one...
Maybe this is an extreme but my now deceased aunt was what I would describe as a functioning alcoholic. She was incredibly successful at work. Her children were cared for and she was not abusive. She never appeared to be drunk but she drank so much I cringe when I think about how much she would've had to drink to actually appear intoxicated. She was a great aunt, was awesome with her kids, and loved by my whole family. There were never any behavioral or physical signs until the very end that anything was wrong. She never even drank at family functions.
She died two years ago from multiple organ failure due to alcoholism. Most of her family, friends, and coworkers never even knew how severe her disease was. I didn't know and we were close.
I think about the fact that my uncle knew and he did nothing and it really pisses me off, and I know it eats at him because he knows now that he should've spoken up. I think that if you are genuinely concerned you need to bring it up.
I'm in the process of divorcing a high-functioning alcoholic. His dad is a high-functioning alcoholic as well. My FIL was an abusive alcoholic during my STBXH's middle school/early high school years, then sobered up. He fell off the wagon again 3 years ago, though from what I understand he's no longer abusive. When my FIL fell off the wagon, STBXH spiraled with him. STBXH lacks healthy coping skills and any desire to learn some.
My STBXH rarely drank in the house. Mainly because he was always at a bar or club or an enabling friend's house. Sometimes he would drive drunk, but more often he would just pass out wherever he happened to be. If it was the weekend, he'd come home midmorning and have a beer for breakfast. Sometimes I think he did this for my benefit so I'd kick him out.
It may sound like he wasn't high-functioning, but I assure you, he was. He held down a high-profile, stressful job and missed no work. He was an -aholic about many things: work, gambling, alcohol. One time I asked him how he did it - how he pulled 10 hour days at the office, then drank another 10. He replied in as emotionless and toneless voice as you can imagine that he was a machine. He seemed proud of himself, like this was an accomplishment. That's when I knew I had lost him. My husband didn't exist anymore. I've had to grieve for him.
I have no doubt in my mind that one day he will end up dead or in jail. He's become his father, a man he spent many years hating. He never physically abused me, but he emotionally tortured me. He didn't want the life I offered him. He did everything in his power to have me get rid of him: stopped coming home, drank/gambled away our savings, most likely cheated on me. That's been very hard for me to accept. But I deserve better. Rehab/therapy was never an option for my STBXH, so I gave up and gave him what he wanted. I wasn't going to martyr myself.
Good luck. Get yourself to Al-Anon. I wish I had done that sooner.
Firstoff, I'd suggest Al-Anon.
T&P for you. That's not an easy situation.
"Drinking a glass of wine or a beer a night is actually better then the people that go out once a week and drink heavily."
This is crazy......I don't get the logic in it. Using alcohol daily in small doses is better than using it sporadically in larger doses why exactly? The dose isn't so much the issue in my opinion, the reason for the dose in the first place is the issue.
http://www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/AlcoholAndHealth.html
For a while now, research has been indicating that drinking one drink per night is actually healthful. Most people don't really get tipsy with just one drink, and there appear to be health benefits for the heart. But, research has also shown having 7 drinks one day per week (without drinking everyday - so it's the same amount of booze) is really bad for you. Most people are plastered after this much alcohol is in their system.
LChase04, can you elaborate as to why you think he's a high functioning alcoholic? Does he drink every day? How much? Does he make poor decisions that he wouldn't make sober? Is he hiding his consumption?
My XH is a functioning alcoholic. He chose alcohol over me. We tried couples therapy, I read every book I could get my hands on about alcoholism...but he did not want to change. No amount of my crying, pleading, and praying would change that man...it took me a while to see it.
You can't change him, but you can get help. Try couples therapy, AA, and get a good support sytem. Do you have any close friends you can confide in? Alcoholism is a disease...diseases make people sick. As much as you think he is "normal" and functioning, he is a mess. Sometimes it's easier to live in denial, than face the problem. Goodluck.