Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
help! no sex here!!
My H and I have been married almost 2 years now and I?m not sure these huge problems are getting any better. There are a few different problems here: the biggest problem is that we rarely have sex anymore. I?m talking once a month or once every few weeks. Another is that when we have sex it is totally disappointing. We?ve been together for a few years before marriage and I cannot remember a single time he has made me O. I?ve even shown him outright what works for me and he does it for a while then just goes back to doing what he always does, like he knows what works best. Then when we are finally having sex it is all of about 5 minutes and he thinks he is just the man for doing it.I know he is probably fast because we rarely have sex but still can he not just rush it for once. Afterwards he is exhausted rolls over and snores himself asleep. Lastly he will not do oral. He would get tons of it from me all the time and I would flat out ask him to and every time he would have reason not to. I have slowly been stopping the oral because I find it totally unfair to give it all the time and never receive it. I?ve showered right before bed, I make sure I?m all cleaned up, I?ve tried changing the time of day we have sex to try and find a good time for him. I love my husband but this no sex and leaving me out to dry thing is killing me. The worst part is that I opened up the computer and found porn on it, which means he is still managing to find the time to take care of himself. I?m not sure what to do because I have brought it up multiple times and I?m not getting anywhere. I know he obviously has a lower drive than myself but a 23 year old man needs to have some sex drive or what is our life going to be like years from now?!
Re: help! no sex here!!
Does he know that you want sex more often? DH and I have been having this problem as well, and what he said was that he didn't want to do it too often so as to keep it exciting. While it sounds kind of dumb, it kind of makes sense. He suggested that I try setting the mood before hand to switch things up and make sex more exciting. He said that different lingerie, scented candles, perfume and music would be a good idea. It has worked so far.
As for not going down on you, I can't help you. DH doesn't either, though probably because he watched me give birth. I can imagine how that might change things a tad bit.
-Your H will not make an effort to do what you have explicity told him will allow you to enjoy sex.
- Your H rushes through sex like a selfish azzhole.
-He refuses to give you oral.
-He jerks it often but refuses sex.
Why are you with him? Selfish behavior in the bedroom is indicative of a personality flaw. I hate hearing women talk about their H's a$$y antics in the bedroom while insisting he is a decent guy in every other way (I know you didn't say that outright). I'll bet if you look closer, this is a bigger relationship problem. He doesn't care about what you want at all.
Uhhh, what!? Why is that okay with you? That shouldn't change anything at all.
Um, have you ever delivered a child??
Delivering a child does not mean no more oral sex. That is such immature thinking. And any man who behaves this way after his SO gives birth should honestly grow the eff up.
OP your man sounds selfish as he!! and was clearly like this before you got married so I don't know what made you think it would magically change down the line. You've talked to him about the frequency and techniques and he just flat out doesn't care enough about your needs to improve on either front.
I don't know what more you could do. The only other option to try and salvage this and perhaps get it into his head that the relationship isn't meeting your sexual needs, would be to go and see a counsellor.
As for not going down on you, I can't help you. DH doesn't either, though probably because he watched me give birth. I can imagine how that might change things a tad bit.
Really? LMAO.
Ive given birth to 3 kids...and I get oral A LOT!!!! giving birth is not an excuse for him not giving oral. How lucky he is!
OP were you your H's 1st partner?
I have, two to be exact, but my DH isn't a immature, selfish douchebag. Giving birth does not make a woman less of a sexual partner, you know.
Um, yes, and I still get oral from DH. And he watched/helped. So, apparently your H is a selfish douche. Has he given a reason for his selfishness?
No oral? YOu knew this from the start; why did you stay with him if oral sex is important to you to have? You should have moved on then.
If he hasn't got a medical problem (willing to be he hasn't got one) and he is NOT willing to meet you halfway on what you want, strongly consider having this marriage annulled in a civil court.
You mean a bad sex life before marriage will still be bad after marriage? The ring doesn't fix everything? Oh wait, babies fix everything right? But according to one poster having a baby means no oral. I am confused.
And if you are truly having this many sex issues and you've only been married since May 08' then I would venture it is more than you're willing to admit to.
No, I haven't. But you can be damn sure that I won't ever deliver a child if that means my H is allowed to treat me as a lesser sexual partner. Oh, wait...my Fi isn't a douchey a$$ face, so it won't be an issue.
Oh Sh!t! Who wants to break the news to the Bump?
WOW!! My husband has watched me give birth to 2 children and still LOVES to give me oral pleasure. And, in fact, I was the one who had to get comfortable again with him giving me oral sex after I had my 2 kids. He had to beg me to let him do that for me. Finally, I realized I have no reason to be ashamed or worried. Men who can't give their wives/girlfriends oral pleasure after having a child are immature and need to GROW UP.
If you are asking me, my H still gives it if I want it--and he helped deliver our son. But I can completely understand why that would affect some guys to make them not go down there, at least for awhile. I read an article where one guy made the analogy that it's kinda like going to a slaughterhouse, and then going out for a burger aftwards (to watch labor/delivery and then be sexual w/ your wife). Kinda corny, but I can understand to a certain extent. Luckily, H had no problems with that--he was ready to go way before I had my 6 wk pp checkup
This doesn't sound like a problem, but a whole series of them. So here are some questions and comments.
1. Have you communicated this explicitly to your husband? Have you clearly told him that he's neglecting your sexual needs and that he has not been successful in causing you to achieve orgasm? He might simply not be aware that he's not quite "the man." I think it's hard enough for guys to develop emotional sensetivity half of the time. Cultivating true sexual sensetivity is, I think, a more difficult obstacle. The male sex drive is very clearly based around self gratification.
2. I once heard a sexual therapist say that in a sexual encounter everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. It sounds like an unbalancd situation where you're gratifying him but he isn't gratifying you. However, one very amazing feature of female sexuality is that there are multiple avenues of arousal and stimulation, all of which can theoretically be utilized simultaneously. Have you tried masterbating during intercourse? I think it's something that alot of women would be embarassed about, but people. . . especially women. . . have a right to be aggressive with their own satisfaction.
3. The male sex drive has alot more variables than people think. Many studies have asserted that especially for men masturbation actually produces more pleasurable and intense orgasms. This tried and true "do it yourself" method attracts guys for more reasons than just being perverted. It's easy and accessible and it removes the stress of performance anxiety and the various other complexities of experiences with sexual partners. And bottom line, it produces the satisfaction of an orgasm much more quickly. Nature takes the path of the least possible resistance. For guys, that path is usually masturbation and pornography or fantasization. "The brain is the biggest sex organ" and guys use it alot. The challenge that we have as women, I think, is to offer something that's unique and more exciting than what he can produce himself. And I do admit that it's a challenge . . . and not always a very fair one.
It sounds like you have a situation where counciling could help. There's also the possibility that you haven't confronted your husband to the degree that he needs. I think people often mistake passive aggression and inadvertant frustration as a form of confrontation, but he simply might not be putting two and two together. You might feel like you don't have the right to express demands or desires, but you do and that fact should give you confidence to communicate.