Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
(poll) If your spouse was going to dinner with a friend opposite sex while you stay home:
...
[Poll]W.S.
Pleasure is spread through the earth
In stray gifts to be claimed by whoever shall find.
~William Wordsworth, 1806
Re: (poll) If your spouse was going to dinner with a friend opposite sex while you stay home:
I voted "no" but thats because DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex and we have no issue w/ it. Heck- I once told DH to take a female friend to a football game because she was a huge fan of the opposing team.
SO.... what's the story? Why are you ticked?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's completely circumstantial. It would be perfectly fine except if:
1) It was kept secret from me,
2) He lied about it,
and/or
3) There was other circumstances leading me to believe that this woman was more than just a friend.
So what's your story?
I know I shouldnt be ticked but I would rather go with him to dinner than with her. Dh is going to school & found this tutor shes pretty smart & really helps him they found they have tons in commend so they really relate. She is also married... its a long story. He tells me there is nothing there I do believe him its just hard for me to see him buying dinner for her when it could be for me. I would be happy if it were going as couples to dinner. One example was I went to chuch when I got home I saw her car out front of the house she was hopping out of his truck with him they had just went to lunch (she was paying him back for the time he bought dinner) I had no idea until than he said she kinda just showed up. She's had issues with her husband that he has had to boost her backup. He says she drives him nuts but they are friends he would never do anything with her that would creep him out & she is more like a sister because the relate so much. Just hard when I wish I was the one hanging out with him more..
Depends who we have acouple mutual girlfriends who I'd be fine with it if it was them...or if it was an older coworker that he's talked about I'd be fine with it.
It if was a woman I didn't know I wouldn't be, If he kept it a secret from me I wouldn't be, if it was someone I knew but didn't really trust I wouldn't be, if there was no reason as to why I wasn't invited I wouldn't be.
I wouldn't be okay with this. I see her complaining about her H as a red flag, might not be and he is probably being completely honest and doesn't see anything but I'd probably still be a little unedge because I wouldn't trust her.
I think lunches during the tutoring or whatever would be fine but if she's coming later on to pick him up or whatever to take him out I wouldn't like that. I'd let him know, let him know that you trust him but it does make you uncomfortable (I bet it would make him uncomfortable if the roles were reversed too) and let him know that you might feel better if you met her(let him know that you still might be uncomfortable but it might clear up some things), maybe suggest that he invites her AND her husband out for dinner or to your place for dinner. You might find that she's not a threat or you might still be uncomfortable and in that case let your husband know that.
Wait, what's the story with her and her husband? I don't understand what "boost her back up" means.
Your husband may be perfectly sincere that he has no feelings for her, but if he's the shoulder she's crying on for her troubled marriage, she could develop feelings for him which may put him in a sticky situation. I'm not saying he's cheating or will cheat, I'm just saying that would be my concern.
Now regarding you hanging out with him, are you saying that he takes her out to dinner and spends more time with her than you?
W/ your update -
Why is he buying her dinner? If they are just friends, then they should be splitting the tab. Unless there is a very "special occasion" that warrants treating her.
The fact that she's having issues in her marriage and is using your DH as a sounding board and he needs to "boost her back up".... uh, actually, don't know how cool I am w/ that. It's one thing to talk to him about their issues to get his feedback from a male perspective, but if she's relying on him emotionally - that's a red flag to me. The most innocent of friendships can turn on stuff like this because she's going to start creating an emotional attachment to your DH.
Lastly- I think ANY friendship, but especially those w/ the opposite sex, need to fit 2 criteria:
1- they need to be transparent. There should be no surprise on your end that he's gone out w/ her to lunch, or whatever.
2- the friend needs to be a friend to the marriage. She doesn't need to be YOUR friend, per se, but she needs to be a friend to the marriage. As in- would she have a problem if you joined them for dinner? Does she ask about you? Does she express interest in you and what the two of you (you and your DH) do on the weekends?
I think your arguement of you wanting to be the one he buys dinner for, or wanting to hang out w/ him more makes you sound petty. if you want to spend more time w/ him, then spend more time w/ him. But if he were doing all this w/ a guy and you wouldn't care.... then it just comes across as petty and insecure.
However, I personally give a bit of a side-eye to this situation and I question how "up and up" she is, and even how "up and up" your DH is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And again, if this were a guy friend of his, would you still be upset? Be honest about that because for your arguement of "I want him to spend time w/ me" needs to hold up against him spending time w/ anyone else. Not just a female.
Again, this situation does not sit right w/ me. But still - if you make this all about "you're spending time w/ another GIRL", it just makes you sound insecure.
If you can lay out that you want him to spend his free time w/ you, if you can lay out why you aren't comfortable w/ this friendship (as in you aren't included at all, she's relying on him too much emotionally), etc - all of it is going to hold more weight if you don't mix it in w/ "you shouldn't be spending time w/ another girl".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh, please. Her marriage is on the rocks, she's discusing this with her new tutor student, getting emotional support from him, taking him to a surprise lunch ... and meanwhile they have tons in common and can really relate to each other.
This is not about having female friends. This is about not setting yourself up to be propositioned by a cute, smart, needy woman in a bad marriage.
No matter how much I trusted my husband, this situation would make me really uncomfortable. The fact that she's in what sounds like a rocky marriage herself and seems to be confiding in your husband would throw up some red flags for me, and I just wouldn't be okay with it. I would offer a compromise and say it's fine if they do dinner, but either you or her husband will go too. That's just my opinion, though. My husband and I just don't have any sort of lunches or dinner dates or anything with members of the opposite sex, and we both just feel more comfortable that way, but for some people its not a big deal and they're fine with it - whatever works! But, still, given that this women sounds a little needy, I would find a way to nix their private time if it was me.
Your title is VERY misleading and so is your poll.
YOUR H didn't just have dinner with another woman, he paid for it AND than had lunch with her. They also spend "other" time together.
This is WAY more than dinner with a friend.
You'd better stop this now.(if you can)
Red flag in my opinion. I don't think this is an appropriate relationship. A tutor's student should not be a sounding board for marriage problems. I might be okay if this were an old friend from h.s. or college but the relationship sounds as though it has progressed quickly and she is testing boundaries.
I also see a red flag with her just showing up at your house. This has escalated into something the should be a professional relationship to something that is seriously non-professional. It would be okay if they were both single but since they are both married I feel the relationship should be kept on a professional relationship only.
He is paying her for tutoring, correct?
So, here's what we have:
- you and DH don't get to hang out together very often due to schedules
- DH and this woman are seeing each other on a regular basis for "tutoring"...
- ...which has evolved to them going out on "dates" together. (Sorry, but there it is.)
- the tutor complains about her marriage to your DH
I'd be willing to bet lots of money I don't even have that she has uttered statements to him like, "I really wish I could get along with my husband like I do with you" or "you are so much easier to talk to than my husband" or "I feel alive again when I'm with you," or any variations of the above.
Sorry, but if you're a tutor and student, you don't do anything other than conduct a tutoring session and collect your payment at the end. He needs to find another tutor (preferably a male one) and cut off contact with her.
Perhaps it wouldn't be such a big deal if you two had a healthy amount of time together to build/maintain your own relationship.... but this has all the earmarks of being an emotional affair (he's getting from her what he can't get from you right now). It may not have gone farther than that yet, but it's definitely in the danger zone and action needs to be taken now.
Depends on, well, everything. If I had an icky feeling about it, then it would bother me. If not, then it'd be fine.
ed: In your case, yeah, it'd bother me that my husband had a side girlfriend.
This.
Oh heck no, this has major red flags written ALL over it, not to alarm you. usually. Usually I would say it depends on their relationship, my knowledge of it, the history of it, etc. The relationship needs to be transparents, out in the open, and most importantly, my husband needs to know that I'm okay with it.
The fact that the tutoring has now blossomed into a friendship where they talk about personal stuff, spouses etc, esepcially the fact that she's complaining about her husband to him, he probably complains about you to her, is not healthy. The only time I would say that it shouldn't matter is if they were tutoring and quickly grabbed mcdonalds or something together. If he wants to thank her for all her help, he should buy her a gift card to a restaurant, not take her out, or bring in dinner for their tutoring session. A private dinner that you are unware of is absolutely unacceptable. Plus, why should you be going to church with out him, while he's out to "lunch" with her. No no no.
You need to sit down with him and tell him how uncomfortable you are. If he really thinks she's crazy or annoying, or whatever, he will knock it off right away. If not, there's major cause for concern. At a minimum, all he has to tell her is that my wife is uncomfortable with the situation.
I regularly go for lunch with guys all the time, I have a few who we take turns paying for one another.
DH has gone out with a girl friend for dinner, but they split that bill each time.
DH and I each know about these in advance, if he worked closer to me he'd be invited to, he's invited me and I've chosen not to go, it's general work talk and how are the kids, where are you going on vacation topics.
I would have a problem with the situation you've described despite the above. That feels different and if your instincts say something is off then I'd listen to them.
Be okay with it in general doesn't have to mean you can't be okay with it another time.
1- you do need to talk to him. His response to you, I think, will be very telling. If he "refuses" to stop seeing her, if he says she means a lot to him, ec.... HUGE red flag. That means he's putting his friendship w/ her before YOU and your feelings.
2- However, I do not think he should tell her that you are uncomfortable. That's not fair and it only paints you (as true as it may be or not) as the insecure, freaky wife who's dictating who her DH can be friends with.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you should trust your gut - and you've got it throwing warnings at you. If you don't like what's going on, speak up. Things may be completely innocent on your H's side, but if you aren't comfortable he either needs to find another tutor or keep his contact with her solely about tutoring.
He's hired her. It's not his job to make her feel good after her marriage woes. In fact, it's not even remotely professional that she's bringing those things up during a tutoring session.
This communication has all the potential for an emotional affair if not more.
I wouldn't mind it as long as I knew who it was and if it were not kept a secret from me. However, H and I have had issues when we dated with territorial/competetive female friends. Even though they had to accept me, especially after our engagement, H rarely interacts with these people. (Plus we moved.) I would have issues with these friends and if they wanted to have dinner with my H, they would have to have dinner with me too.
As for your situation- TRUST YOUR GUT! I cannot express this enough. It's one thing to have a tutor, however, she should have kept it professional and kept her rocky emotional issues to herself.
"He says she drives him nuts but they are friends he would never do anything with her that would creep him out & she is more like a sister because the relate so much."
If she drives him nuts, why keep her as his tutor/friend? I personally don't like being around people that drive me nuts. Sounds like someone is in denial and/or trying to justify something to himself and you.
LMAO, that's a total crock of bs. Why isnt he saying he would never do anything because he loves YOU his wife?
IMO, you should not be ok with this at all. As others have said, that she is complaining about her H to him is a huge red flag. If their relationship hasn't already crossed the line, it's well on it's way there.
You need to address this with him now.