Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DH = roommate
We've been married a year and a half. First year was great. EVERYTHING was great. Now, there's no more romance. Sometimes I BEG for affection. 90% of the time, I say "I love you" first. I'm still very much in love with my DH and I believe he loves me too. But our relationship has boiled down to being ROOMMATES who share a bed and about once or twice a month, have sex. He gets irritated when I tell him that I need more and he says that I'm needy. So I've decided to stop. I will still do my household duties willingly and will not be snippy or b*tchy. But I'm tired of being the one trying to keep the spark alive. any thoughts?
Re: DH = roommate
He could be intentionally trying to distance himself from you. . . maybe even from guilt? He might also just have a problem expressing and receiving affection in certain capacities.
Hah. I know that's not a lot of valuable commentary. Suspicious behavior. Any more details?
BFP 1/22/12 | Ectopic pregnancy found 2/14/12 | Methotrexate to complete m/c 2/15/12
Even his mother says that he gets his "non-romantic side" from his dad. I understand that you follow what you've been shown, but when I have CLEARLY stated that I need more affection and he tells me that he's not like that, THAT response is telling me that he doesn't even think it's worth trying!
And I've been thinking about counseling. Doubt he would go. How do I even broach that subject?
There is clearly something that's not right here. Whether it is that he is distancing himself or that he doesn't care enough to do the things that make you happy.
As for bringing up the subject of counseling, I don't know how to do it other than "hey, I think we are having a few issues that need to be resolved before they lead down a nasty road, would you go to marriage counseling with me?"
If he doesn't, that's another red flag that maybe he's just not ready, capable, or willing to put in the work that comes with being married...
I certainly do not believe that he just "doesnt know" how to be romantic..he did it for a year and probably while you were dating..soooo what the hell happened?! I understand how you feel, first of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this b/c it sucks.. (btw..it sucks that your MIL has gotten the sh!tty end of the stick for that many years by having a un-affectionate H)
Have you ever asked him about it? You may need to say something to the effect of "I feel like I am not married to the man that I feel in love with, you used to be so loving and affectionate, what changed?"
And also, have you tried asking for a date night? I know that helps when FI and I get into a rut..we will just go out to dinner or stay home and rent a movie and just chill together like we used to, these always seem to help..
GL and I hope it gets better
Most couples see things cool down after the initial heat, so part of this might just be that. But if you aren't already, I would give him more specific things that you want than just "affection" or "romance." Do you want to be taken on dates? Do you want him to buy you gifts? Flowers? Do you want him to leave you notes? Do you want him to hug you more? Do you want to spend more time together?
Tell him the specific things he could do that would make you happy. I know you want him to figure that all by himself, guided by his undying devotion to you in all your brilliance, but this is not a romance novel, and nobody can read your mind. Good luck.
I agree with most of what Tufts said. But there's a flip side to it.
You mentioned that when you tell your H that you need more sex, he claims that you are too needy.
Instead of just whining "I need more sex...we don't do it enough!", why not ask him what you can do to turn him on? Get specific. Ask about underwear choices, fantasies that he has, etc.
I hope that helps and that both you and your H start reaching out to impress each other sexually!
Here is a question I'm going to ask here and on a couple of other "no sex" posts. At the risk getting some people upset, here is the question.
" Have you put on weight, using less makeup, using the toilet with the bathroom door open, pharting out loud or done anything else that may have reduced your allure etc?
I've been in relationships where my SO have put on weight, used the toilet in front of me, FARTED out loud, and I still loved them and was attracted to them the same. If not more because doing some of those things meant that we were closer.
You are sh!t, imo, if those minor changes (unless it's obesity type weight change), determine whether or not you treat your loved ones with love, affection and respect.
I'm not disagreeing without. Just "putting it out there" that some men are #1 primarly attracted to "exotic eye candy" and the romamtic relationship part is #2 or lower.
I didn't design men so don't blame me when an "strange" one shows up.