Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
No sex - is he just being respectful?
For starters, I have been lurking this board tonight, and I'm shocked and saddened by all of the women who are living in sexless or unsatisfying sex lives. I talked to a few of my girlfriends about my problem, and all of them seems to be having regular sex (3x-5x a week) with their partners. Hearing that only made me feel worse.
Anyway, here is my story:
We are getting married summer 2011. We bought a house (Yay, right?!), which will be ready Fall 2011, so we are living with my parents. My parents are very open and accepting, and from the start my mom has said she has no problem with him sleeping in my bed.
Well..apparently FH does have a problem with it. We never have sex at home. We kiss sometimes before bed, but he never touches me... like ever. He says he's either too tired, or he finds it rude.
I feel like I am always complaining to him how unhappy I am about our sex life, and because he is a good guy he will make out with me in bed or we will fool around that night, but the next night we're back to square one.
When we go away, it's hit or miss. Sometimes we will have sex, but other times neither of us will be in the mood. But no matter what, my sex drive is ALWAYS so much higher than his.
I don't know what it is. I'm a healthy weight, I take care of myself, and we used to have sex ALL OF THE TIME. We would do it everywhere, but since he has moved in, it's been bad news.
I think we have sex maybe once a month, sometimes less.
So what do you think? Do you think I'm stupid for believing things will get better when we move into our house? He assures me they will, but I have big doubts.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Re: No sex - is he just being respectful?
I can understand him being weary about having sex in your parents house. When you guys go away, is he more receptive, or does he shoot you down more often than not? Before you moved into your parents house together, how was your sex life?
Maybe you guys can rent a place of your own for a little while, or house sit for a friend. I have the feeling you may be looking at the future of your sex life as it is right now.
I'd try to make him understand that you are unhappy with your sex life the way it is now. If he is happy/satisfied with the frequency now, you may want to think again if he's the guy for you. You sound like you already know that incompatible sex drives can really drive a wedge into a marriage.
Also, don't ever compare your sex life to anyones, even a close friend. I find the people you ask usually fall into one of two camps-the have sex every day and twice on Sunday camp, or the major-holiday and birthday sex camp. But definitely be honest with yourself and your FI about your feelings in this matter.
I doubt it has anything to do with you so this paragraph about "I'm a healthy weight, I take care of myself" in this situation is just not connected.
I know when we visit my parents (and we're married) H would never even THINK about having sex with me in my parents house. For him it's just respect, he doesn't want my parents to hear anything, he doesn't want my dad to have any reason to be uncomfortable or to dislike him. (not that he would but..)
I don't really understand why he moved into your parents place anyhow, why you didn't rent or why he didn't just stay where-ever he was until you guys got married to avoid the awkward living with the parents situation but I can see why he wouldn't want to jump you all the time though with your parents in the house though and I think you kinda need to respect that. If you want to do it more either move out of your parents house or wait until their not home.
If I were living like an overgrown child in my inlaws' home, I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex under their roof - regardless of how "open and accepting" they were.
I'd feel like such a huge tool that I can't imagine I'd have any sex drive left.
Perhaps if you two moved out of your childhood bedroom and out from under your parents' roof, your FI would feel like an adult man again and would be more interested in having sex.
Why not get an apartment or something? Fall 2011 is still a full year and a half away, you know...........that's an awfully long time to live with mommy and daddy, playing house with your FI.
Really. If you were moving in summer 2010, that's one thing. But a year-long lease won't kill you. You remind me of my sister-in-law.
DS #2 on his way!
Meticulous Motherhood: A Blog
Tinker Drinker: DH's Drinking Blog
I agree with everyone else; it's hard for some people to have sex in their parents' or in-laws' home. You need to:
1. Move out.
2. See if having your own space changes things. If it doesn't, then reevaluate whether or not this is the right life partner for you.
Is he willing to have sex with you in the house when they are not there?
Is the amount of sex you are currently having drastically different than previously? Is this his actual sex drive?
I understand that you are probably living with your parents to save money for the house, but you might want to think about little weekend getaways to inexpensive hotel chains to get your sex on.
Oh...and stop thinking about getting pregnant.
Could he be worried about getting you pregnant before the wedding? Could that be the source of his reluctance?
Get into the house, get married and make sure that things are solid before you think about getting pregnant.
I totally disagree....make sure things are solid BEFORE you get married, not after.
MOVE out!!! now!! Or don't get married until you have lived together away from your parents. You do not want to marry a man who you are uncompatable in the sex department~!
Are YOU happy living with your parents??? After DH and I got married we spent one year living with his parents and then one year living with mine for various reasons. Never, ever again. Never has our marriage been more stressful.
I agree with everyone else. Move out. Get an apartment. Even if it's not just a respect thing, your FI might be miserable living with your parents and that could be affecting him even when you're not in their house. It's not an easy thing to do.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the responses.
I think he likes living with my parents, because we're saving a hell of a lot of money so when the down payment time comes, we'll have a lot of money. He and I don't want to piss that money away on rent, but I understand now that a good and happy life together trumps rent money.
I'm going to tell him today how unhappy I am. I hope he will be receptive of my feelings and actually care. He always is so attentive about everything else, and I hope we can either start looking at leases today (tons in our area), or plan a weekly or bi-weekly getaway to Niagara Falls or something.
UGH - I have to add though, last night really annoyed me. We were in bed watching TV. He said, "I just want to watch the last 10 minutes of hockey." I turned off the TV and said "why don't we spend those 10 minutes making out?" He didn't get mad, and just said, "Ah, I'm tired, I'm going to go to sleep."
So then obviously I got upset, saying how he'd rather watch hockey than be intimate, and he gave me a sympathy makeout session for like 5 minutes.
Paying rent isn't "pissing money away". It's being an adult and paying to put your own roof over your head instead of living like a mooch under someone elses.
When I was a teenager, I might have gotten a little bit of a naughty thrill out of making out in my boyfriend's room when his parents were down the hall. Nowadays? Yuck. Nothing could be a bigger turn off. And I'd think that my DH was a skeev if being around my parents got him horny.
Renting is actually pretty awesome. Now that we own our own house, there are plenty of days where we actually miss the ease of renting.
About the sex issue - go camping. Seriously. DH and I both lived at home when we met, at age 24 (I had just come back from undergrad out-of-town, and he had just gotten his first "real" job after college and was going to move out soon), so our first time together was while camping. It was a blast.
Yeah, I do think rent is pissing away money in my situation. I think we differ on this, because I do think it's pissing money away when my parents have said they do not want us wasting money on rent, when they are more than happy to have us live here. And mooching, seriously? They're my parents. We aren't mooching.
I understand though that this arrangement is causing problems, which is why I said that we're going to start investigating other options.
Thanks! I love the camping idea. There will be no distractions in a hotel like TV or computers, and it will be so much cheaper. LOVE the idea, can't believe I never thought of it before.
Not a good idea to live with a relative, married or unmarried.
It could be psychological (your parent's house and now he's got a hangup about sex that's attached to that issue) or maybe he's trying to tell you he doesn't want to get married.
My strong suggestions:
MOVE OUT. And do so STAT. Not a good idea to live with a relative; see if the no sex problem vanishes once he's living with you elsewhere
Premarital and sexual therapy counseling for the both of you.
I get that rent can be seen as wasting money, I actually see it like that too but at the same time I'd rather that than live with either of our parents even though we both get along great with them. I think it would definitely change the dynamic of our relationship and not in a good way and I just don't think that that's worth it.
You turned the tv off when there was 10 minutes left in a hockey game? You couldn't wait for the game to be over? Honestly if I was him I wouldn't want to cuddle or be intimate or even have a little chit chat with you if that happened either I'd be frustrated and would probably reather just go to sleep. You can't really expect him to want to kiss and hold you if you're not respecting his time either...kinda bad choice of timing no?
Why don't you try to set up date nights? or if he's in the middle of watching a movie or game instead of just going up and turning it off with a "me me me" attitude why don't you ask him when it's over? and see if he wants to spend some time together once it's done? or in the morning say "let's spend this evening together" set some time apart for the two of you but you can't really expect him to drop everything in the middle of things so that you can 'talk".
Have you *ever* lived together? Did you just move in with your parents for this time period or have you guys never lived alone together?
If you have never lived together and had sex freely within your own walls, I would worry that this level of sex is his baseline. If this is, you need to know it now and know whether or not you can accept it. A case in point: my ex-boyfriend eventually got a gf. She didn't want to move in with him, so he moved in with her parents so that they could save for a house. Their sex life took a serious nose dive while they were living in her parents' house, but she kept telling him that when they moved into their own house, it would pick back up. It never did. This became a huge bone of contention between them and if he hadn't died, they would have divorced.
Obviously, you are "living together" now under your parents' roof, so I am assuming there are no religious/moral objections to doing so outside of their roof. Given that, it is critical that you figure each other out (including your respective sex drives) before you commit to a house and a marriage. Rent a tiny studio (since it is for a finite period of time) and test run this thing. It may save you some unpleasant surprises in the future -- when breaking up involves a house and a judge.
Oh...and you were a little silly about the hockey game. It was 10 minutes.
So you'd rather piss away your relationship instead?
I believe I said the complete opposite of that if you were to read the 2nd paragraph of my post.
Nope, never lived together before. He moved in when his dad sold their house.
Our situation is actually a little complicated. I go to law school 3 hours away during the school year, and his dad sold their family home to move into a place with his girlfriend. Understandably, FH wasn't welcome to move in with them, so we bought a house together. And because my parent's house is so close to his work, he moved in here.
And yes, looking back it was silly. It's a double standard. If he were to turn off the last 10 minutes of something I wanted to watch, I probably would have been annoyed.
According to this post you're married and TTC.
Stop it. Move into your own place.
Nope, I said I'm worried about PCOS when we want to try to start TTC, and I was wondering if any women with PCOS have any tips on how to get my body ready for TTC.
Honestly, yeah. I do enjoy it. Except for the non-sex issue, I love seeing my mom everyday (dad travels a lot), and it makes me happy to know that my mom doesn't have to eat alone when me or my FH are there. I love living os close to my uncle, and I love saving money. I understand though that it's probably awkward for him. I don't think I could last a year or more living with his dad.
Whoa.
Just Whoa.
You travel 3 hours to law school, daily? Or do you stay there during the week? If you are in law school, how are you working enough to make money worth saving? How can you possibly have the time to do both of those things with such a huge commute?
Plus, how do you know if you are going to be able to get a job where you have now purchased a house? A house that hasn't even been built yet? *And* you are planning your approach to TTC? Are you *nuts*?
Seriously, I think you guys are going about this in all the wrong order. Why not live together while you are in law school? Why the rush to get a house when your career opportunities may take you somewhere else?
Plus, back to your original problem, you really have no idea what his sex drive is like because you have never really been a couple outside the confines of your parents' homes.
PS. the whole thing about your mom and dinner is just weird.
LOL, way to jump the gun.
1. I never said I live here daily. I'm home for 4 months for the summer, and I come home on weekends throughout the school year. lol, I do not commute daily.
2. FH makes a good living, and my parents have given me money towards our house. I also have already accepted a position for after graduation, which gave me a nice signing bonus. I already have a job - just haven't started yet.
3. Yes, we are planning to TTC LATER ON, because if you read my post, I have PCOS and wanted to now if there was anything I should do to get my body in order - accupuncture? seeing a specialist?
4. We have been together for 8 years, and we have most certainly been a couple outside our parents home. We've lived separately and gone to undergrad together. As posted before, our sex life was great then.
5. Career opportunities - as stated before, I already know where my career will be.
6. And no, the dinner thing is not weird. Caring about a loved one's feelings / potential loneliness is not weird.
Ahh, irony. Honestly, how do you NOT see the inconsistency here? His dad is in a meaningful relationship and therefore wants a place for himself and his girlfriend to be a couple together, on their own (i.e., without your fiance). You even call this view "understandable." Yet, you can't understand why your fiance might ALSO want a place of your own for you two to have your own life as a couple. Hmmmm.
D/x with endometriosis Aug. 2011
Expecting "Huckleberry" 8/29/12
How have I portrayed that I can't understand why FH might want to live alone? That doesn't really make any sense.
If he wanted to move out, he would have said something about it. I believe I said however that neither of us right now wanted to rent / lease. But after reading some of these posts, I realized it's more important.
You have an excuse and justification for everything that is so obviously wrong to everyone here.
If you want an adult relationship than you must start acting like an adult and not relying on mommy and daddy to provide for you while you are waiting for your home.
Stop complaining and DO something if it bothers you so much. If not than just accept the fact that for the next year you will not be haivng sex.
I would put money on....you wont be having much more even after you get into your own house. I think there is a lot more going on here than just living with mommy?!