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Anyone mind if I come beat my head against a wall?
So, I get this message on another (non-Knot, non-Nest) message board:
Hi. My name's [deleted]. I'm 19 and I've been with my fiancee, [deleted], for two years now. We wanna get married soon but unfortunately we live in Texas. We know most northern states allow same sex marriages. What all has to be done in order for our dream to come true?
And all the things I can think of to write back are probably not helpful:
- You are way too young to be married.
- You need to get an education before you get married. At least enough of one to figure out that "most northern states" won't allow same sex marriages.
- Why do you still live in Texas? Nothing good will come of that.
- Umm, I might be able to help you with the legal aspects. But making dreams come true is beyond me.
I'd have a hard time saying anything useful even if she were straight. And I'm mindful that someone who gets into a same-sex marriage in a state that does not recognize same-sex marriage may never be able to get a divorce if things don't work out. (You can only get a divorce in your state of residence, which will not give you one if they don't recognize the marriage to begin with.) Given the likelihood that a 19-year-old who gets married will end up wanting a divorce, it scares the c*** of me that I might in any way be assisting her in ending up in a position she obviously has no appreciation of.
Anyone got any words of wisdom for me?
Re: Anyone mind if I come beat my head against a wall?
Dont know if they are words of wisdom, but my suggestion is:
If you dont feel comfortable helping her, then don't, but save the snark and judgement...it really doesnt get either of you anywhere.
I agree that she should probably be educating herself of same sex marriage laws in ways other than a message board, but disagree that at 19 she's way too young to be married. There's nothing wrong with passing along the divorce info in a respectful way - that's useful information for anyone contemplating marriage at any age.
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Perhaps that is my niece...it sure sounds like it. She e-mailed me virtually the same e-mail 2 years ago when she was dating a girl who was 29 (she was 19) and in jail.
Needless to say they didn't move to VT to "get married."
If you feel comfortable you can provide her with factual information on which states have marriage/civil unions/domestic partnerships and explain the ramifications. You can tell her about legal things that they can do (wills/POAs/etc) with an estimation of legal costs.
But I agree with CT. While MOST people are too young/immature to get married, there are people who do and are married for years (my MIL got married at 15 and is celebrating their 50th this month.)
And she may not have a choice about living in TX right now. Not everyone has the option (or chooses) to move to a state that is more liberal. My DP and I lived in Virginia for many years before crossing the line to Maryland - and we probably wouldn't have if we would have been child-free. Our home, friends, jobs, life were there.
You could add in a line like, "Here are some of the legal things you need to know...but it it up to you and your girlfriend to make all of your dreams come true!!"
The best advice you can probably give her is on the legal piece of it. Just let her know the risks, etc. She also probably has no idea that even if they are married in another state, wills & POAs are still necessary. There would really be no benefit if they are planning to be in TX indefinitely. Maybe a commitment ceremony would be more appropriate?
Just a clarification: I did not snark at her; I just needed to vent some on a place where she wasn't and where no one knew who she was. Her age, lack of general knowledge, and being in an area where same-sex marriage was not recognized at all just made me feel like I might be her only source of knowledge--which in turn made me feel way too responsible for someone I don't even know.
In any event, I've now sent her a response with a description of the legal facts and a suggestion that she might consider a commitment ceremony if she wants to go forward.
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1. It is up to the two people if they want to get married at that age or not.
2. I agree with this one. Most stated period don't allow same-sex marriage.
3. It is not the place a person lives that makes them. So you saying that nothing good comes out of that, is an unfounded statement
These are just my opinions off of yours.