Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My dilemma
Ok, so, my parents have been divorced since I was like 4. I was definitely a daddys girl when I was little but as I started hitting puberty I started feeling uncomfy around my dad and I didn't ever want to go over there bc he wouldn't ever let me do ANYTHING and my mom would pretty much let me do/have whatever I wanted. Ourt relationship has been strained for probably 14 years, I mean, I see him on major holidays and bdays but nothing too much more than that. My mom would always talk about how much of a loser he was and really bash him in front of me....I know that that has had an effect on the way I feel about him. In some ways I want to try to have a relationship with him and in other ways I don't...he drives me bonker and I am a lot like my mom so our personalities definitely clash!
k, so here is my problem....I really don't want him to walk me down the aisle. For one, I am just not super comfy around him (never any kind of abuse) and for two I don't feel like that is his right...my mom raised and sacrificed for me, not him. He has told me that part of his depression is bc of the way our relationship is and I feel like if I tell him this that he will just be crushed but I don't wanna be uncomfy on my wedding day! As of right now I don't even know if he is going to be able to go on the cruise bc of money.
Sorry that got so long! Any thoughts or advice?
Re: My dilemma
Playing Devil's Advocate here, don't mean to offend you - I'm sure there could be more to the story, but your saying yourself you didn't want to go over there, so yes your mom did raise you...... But by no fault of your dads. He wouldn't let you get away with letting do what you want so you distanced yourself from him.
I think him walking you down the aisle could be something to rekindle your relationship. Just think of when you have kids, they will need their grandpa.
Again, I don't know the full story... But I think this might be something you need to dig deep about.
How does Paul feel about this?
Also it isn't his fault that his mom bad mouthed him. Remember there are always to sides to a story.
You aren't offending me, It was both of their faults. My dad was working all of the time anyway...I was always with my grandparents and no one wanted to let me do sh!t...talk on the phone, go somewhere with friends....so why in the world would a pre teen want to be in an environment like that every summer and every other weekend????
I know now that he was just trying to be a good parent but both of them needed to be on the same page bc him at one extreme and her at the other, of course I am gonna choose to be at her house bc I could do what I wanted...within reason of course. I know that I will want him to be around his grandkids but he just has a lot of resentment and keeps harping on the past....that is not going to get us anywhere or improve the relationship!! I think he definitely needs counseling to deal with these issues and we prob both need it but to be honest it isn't on the top of my list right now.
Paul just wants me to be happy.
Beck, that is DEF not an option!! There would probably be soooooooooo much tension and hatred between the two of them I would melt! lol They have pretty much hated each other all my life!
Im sure he could have tried harder and TRUST ME I know how my mom is and how she can be and Im sure she made it pretty difficult on him but I was a young impressionable child and was gonna side with my mom bc she was my main influence.Ugh....this crap really stresses me out!
I feel ya on this one Brit. I went thru the same thing before my wedding as well, but my parents were going through the divorce around the time I was getting married. I on the other hand, refused to make up with my father until maybe 1 month till the wedding and I told him to make peace with my mom for the sake of my wedding. And that I would want both of my parents to walk me down the aisle. That way, if in the future, I wouldn't resent the fact that he wasn't there - he was a good parent when I was younger - but he fell apart when I was older. However, I have anger and issues with my father no matter what - I put them aside for my wedding but currently now we all know the situation has not improved.
I also DID NOT do the father-daughter dance, I refused to put that in my wedding program. Eric got his mother-son dance, and no one questioned why it never happened.
It really depends on you Brit for this, search in your heart "what do you want for your wedding." Your mother has to understand that you came from two people - not just her. My mom understood that I needed my father on my wedding day, they were at peace with each other on the wedding day and I had them sit at separate tables across the room from each other so nothing would happen - my parents love to fight if you get what I mean.
Are you mainly uncomfortable because you feel that your mom will be hurt? Or will you be uncomfortable? Just ask yourself? Then talk to your mom about it, you have to do what you think is appropriate for you.
I am uncomfy just being around him in general...I am much closer to everyone else in my life but him. We don't know each other and he is so damn pushy about getting me to do things that he wants to do or things that I "should" do or whatever...idk, he just gets on my nerves. I don't know that I "need" him on my wedding day and I def don't want to do the father daughter dance! It would be nice if they would make peace but he def needs to let go of his resentment and she just needs to keep her mouth shut! lol
I am scared though if we end up having a relationship one day that I will regret him not walking me down the aisle but then again, at this point in my life he isn't really the one I want to walk me down the aisle.
I had this same issue. I've had lots of issues with my dad in the past but our relationship has gotten better. Instead of thinking about all the reasons not to include him, I focused on how thankful I was to have him in my life even if our relationship wasn't perfect. I decided to have him escort me. I didn't have the pastor ask "who gives this woman to this man" and I didn't have a father/daughter dance. I'm glad I made the decision I did because I know my dad was happy and it meant a lot to him.
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~
that is a good way to think about it....hmmmmm. Did you feel comfortable around your dad...was your relationship that strained?
Kendra always has good advice!
I was just popping on to say that there is no rule that says someone has to walk you down the aisle- my grandparents didn't walk my mom down the aisle. She felt that she was an adult and the tradition wasn't in her feminist-path. I, on the other hand, had both my parents walk me down the aisle (they aren't divorced).
I agree with Kendra that you should think about what will make you happy and remember your beautiful wedding in the best possible way. Think of Mary J- no drama.
Make it easy on yourself and walk alone. It's all about you and Paul.
Well, were you super duper nervous when you were getting ready to walk down? Idk if I wanna do that and what about the wrath from him and his fam???
I know you didn't ask me but I wasn't nervous at all. I was just soooo freakin happy that I was about to get married to Brock. I couldn't stop smiling. I was ready to sprint down the aisle. Having my dad walk me just slowed me down. LOL
~~~MARRIED BIO~~~