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Question for all you ladies!

I was talking with my Mom last night and was discussing some problems DH and I have been having, when she recommended I open a checking account on the side and start saving money for myself.  She told me not to hide it from him, but not to let him have access to it.  I honestly don't know how I feel about doing something like this, but I would feel better knowing I have money that is available to me if anything were to ever happen. 

I am also a bit paranoid because when my parents were splitting up, my Dad drained the checking account and left her with nothing.  

Also, I don't think DH would ever do something like that,  but I never thought my Dad would do that to my Mom either.

 

Thoughts and suggestions appreciated.

Re: Question for all you ladies!

  • Carl and I do not have seperate accounts but we have 3 of them and he wouldn't have the slightest clue how to access 2 of them. When we got married, we just joined everything we had and then he opened a USAA account here. That is the only account he knows how to do anything with. Not because I stop him but because he just truely doesnt give a crap..

    That being said, one of my BFF's just opened an account in her own name that her DH doesnt know about. Given her circumstances (which I know all about) I totally agree with that. I don't know your circumstances but if you feel it is something you need to do then go ahead and do it. But if things end up working out with you two, don't be surprised if he get's very angry if he ever finds out about it....

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Up to the point where CJ and I got engaged we had a home account and seperate accounts.  Once we got engaged we decided to roll them all into on and have it be our money and not his/her/home accounts.  He rarely will check the accounts checking/savings but when he does he never remembers the password. That is what i am for.  I know a few people who have his/her/home accounts but they are all fully aware of the accounts.  I think if this is something you are considering then be open about opening it so that you are not "hiding" anything because i think Jess is right if things smooth over and he finds out it could create another problem. 

    I don't know you situation or what you are going through but if you feel that you need to protect your self financially then i think you should do so.

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  • I have every intention of letting him know about it, but I feel he doesn't need access to it.

     

    DH only works part-time at UPS and barely brings home anything and is dragging his feet about getting another part-time job, but feels he can spend the money I work hard for.  I know we are married and whats mine is his, but he needs to learn he needs to work for his own money as well. Also, DH likes to do a lot of stupid *** that is constantly draining our bank account.  ::COUGH two car accidents within three months COUGH::  Every time he does something stupid, I am making him go to his parents and ask for money.  I honestly can't sit and watch the money I work hard for get spent on his stupidity.

     

    OK...

     

    /RANT

     

  • DH and I have always had separate accounts. It just seemed easier that way for some reason. We still share our money but we have our own accounts. Neither of us has access to the other's account
    I married a ginger.
    m/c 12/25/09 (5w5d) mm/c D&C 4/9/10 (11w1d) Take home baby 2/22/11
    My boobies belong to cour10e
  • DH and I each have separate bank accounts. I wouldn't have it any other way.  I know there are others who believe differently, but money is something DH and I have a completely different view of and it works much better for us to keep our cash in different accounts. We each pay certain bills and whenever it comes time to go out to dinner, or do something "extra", one of us always manages to pick up the tab...the next time, the other will do it.

    XH had a joint account. It was one of the many things that contributed to the demise of our relationship.

    I agree with you mother on this one. Even if you don't open a seperate account,  there is a great sense of security in knowing that you have money stashed in case of emergency.

    My parents also instilled in me that you should always keep a "drop dead" fund with atleast 3 months of savings. That way, should the situation ever arise...whether it be with a job, or significant other, or a roommate....that you have the ability to tell them to "drop dead" and you will still have enough cash on hand to survive.

    Whew! Sorry for being so long-winded, but as the "old lady" of the group, I suppose I feel I should pass along these little tid bits of knowledge! Haha! 

  • The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of separate accounts for the time being.  How do you save though?

     

    I have an ing direct account that I have money sent to every week, but I don't want to be the only one saving. Should I expect him to match what I am saving to make it fair?

  • I don't work. But I have money put away in a secret hiding place just in case. I'm a super crazy *think of the worst thing that could happen, and prepare* type person. So I have to know that I have something, at least just to get to my parents house *in CA* with Ry. I don't have a bank account; and half the money is technically *his*, but I can honestly say right now at this moment, if we split up, it will be his fault. We've been having issues lately, and he can't think of one thing that I do in the relationship that is "bad."

    Wow...sorry, kinda got off on a rant there huh? eeek...Anywho. i agree with your mother!

  • imageJillian*CBK*RJK:

    I don't work. But I have money put away in a secret hiding place just in case. I'm a super crazy *think of the worst thing that could happen, and prepare* type person. So I have to know that I have something, at least just to get to my parents house *in CA* with Ry. I don't have a bank account; and half the money is technically *his*, but I can honestly say right now at this moment, if we split up, it will be his fault. We've been having issues lately, and he can't think of one thing that I do in the relationship that is "bad."

    Wow...sorry, kinda got off on a rant there huh? eeek...Anywho. i agree with your mother!

     

    omg...i'm in the exact same boat as you.

  • imagexxSOMMERxx:

    The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of separate accounts for the time being.  How do you save though?

     

    I have an ing direct account that I have money sent to every week, but I don't want to be the only one saving. Should I expect him to match what I am saving to make it fair?

    Do you each have any sort of "allowance" for weekly spending? If so, stash 1/4 or 1/2 of it when you can. I'd also put away 1/2 of anything I make from side jobs (babysitting, etsy, ebay, craigslist, p/t work). Do you receive gifts of cash from family for special occasions or holidays?

    Believe it or not, those little items add up quick!

    --------------

    On a side note, if you are looking to stash away money, asking him to match what you save might put him on the defensive. Personally, I would just do it quietly and on your own. If he knows you have money and you are "keeping it from him", that might open up a whole new can of worms. 

  • I totally agree with your mama/pp!  

    We have multiple accounts-some together and then I have one that is just mine.  Almost everything is in my name even.  I prefer it that way.  Hello control fah-reak.

    It sounds like you guys are going through some a rough time?  I'm a big fan of counseling too!  We go all.the.time!  In fact, we went tonight and my shirt was on inside out--ya, I'm that kewl...

    GL with whatever you decide!  We're always here to be goofy or supportive :) 

  • Tonight I decided I am going to open my own account.  I am not going to use any of "our" money, but am going to use any tip money I receive or birthday money to put into it. 

     

    Counseling doesn't sounds like a bad idea...got any rec's for good counselors? lol

  • Our guy is rockin!  I'll pm you his info--dunno if it's too far for you, he's near Arrowhead.
  • I know of one here in Surprise, I actually go to her and CJ is going to go with me next time so we can work on some communication stuff :) let me know if you want her info and i can pm it to you :)
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  • I'm a little late to the party- but here's my $.02.

    I've been on both sides of the fence.  With my ex-husband as soon as I knew I was leaving him- I went to the credit union, opened my own account, and started stashing money away.  I never told my ex husband- well until the day I walked out.  

    Here's the thing.  I look back now, and while I did it for my own reasons- my parents told me the same- It was the sign of a much bigger problem- it was the sign that I was ready to walk out (for me, not saying this for you).  I would def. tell my hubby if I wanted my own account- and why.  Right now DH and I still have our own accounts, but we're both on them.  So I do all my banking through my account, he does his through his, but both our names are on each account.  We then have various savings accounts throughout the banking world that we're on. 

    I do encourage you to know what you're doing, and if you suspect that you need to have your own savings- girl do it...but do it for the right reasons, and be honest and upfront about it.

    That's my $.02.

    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagexxSOMMERxx:

    DH only works part-time at UPS and barely brings home anything and is dragging his feet about getting another part-time job, but feels he can spend the money I work hard for.  I know we are married and whats mine is his, but he needs to learn he needs to work for his own money as well. Also, DH likes to do a lot of stupid *** that is constantly draining our bank account.  ::COUGH two car accidents within three months COUGH::  Every time he does something stupid, I am making him go to his parents and ask for money.  I honestly can't sit and watch the money I work hard for get spent on his stupidity.
     

    Girl, I feel for you. I really do. It would drive me bonkers if MH was doing this. But let me take a minute and give you my honest opinion.

    Doing this is putting one foot out the door toward a complete dissolution of your marriage. It could prove to be a self-fulfilling prophesy: you put money aside because you're protecting yourself in case you get divorced, but then you get divorced because he finds out about the money, is hurt that you're punishing him for not making enough, or because you suddenly think it's easier to get out because you have your money stashed away.

    MH and I have all joint accounts. I understand people who want to keep their stuff separate, but it's just not for us. I'm kinda traditional in the way that I feel like a marriage should be all in. I didn't marry him with thoughts in the back of my mind that, "unless I make more money than him," or "unless he goes through a hard time with his job" or "but I'll do this just in case." Maybe this is the naive thinking of someone whose parents have been married for 36 years. But to me a married life is a partnership in all things, including money. No "here honey, you get to spend $20 this week as fun money." We're adults who can each control our own spending.

    With all this said, I know you guys need to figure this out. It's obvoius that you're a compassionate person. I would suggest having a serious talk with him about your feelings, his careless spending and how it's making you feel. Then get some marriage counseling if it doesn't clear up. No shame in getting therapized! But there's a reason that money is the #1 cause of divorce out there!

    Good luck! Getting down off my soap box now. :)

  • The way I see it, you have two choices.

    You either decide to put yourself in this marriage 100% or you decide to prepare to get out.  As the others girls have said, securing a separate bank account to put money aside is a huge sign of bigger problems.  It will become something to fall back on, and make it easy for you to walk away when it gets rough.

    With that being said, we do keep separate accounts, but they're useless.  I keep mine open because that's where my credit card is attached to, and DH keeps his to use for personal spending.  He transfers all of his salary to our joint, but tutors and keeps that money as his own.  For us, it's been a big strain to adjust to having one person be the breadwinner and the other a full time student with a small stipend.  I used to belittle DH for his lack of contribution, and I'm really ashamed of it.  Our marriage is a partnership, and if I feel that he's not holding up his end of the bargain, then we need to talk it out.  Not belittle each other.  In the end, we had long conversations about our goals, and how I would deal with my negative feelings.  It all turned out better than I thought, and we're stronger and more supportive of each other. 

    You need to have some serious conversations with your husband.  Now.  There are much larger issues here that won't be solved without addressing them head on.

    Good luck Sommer, I do hope you're able to work through it :)

  • imagecjwilli2:

     

    For us, it's been a big strain to adjust to having one person be the breadwinner and the other a full time student with a small stipend.  I used to belittle DH for his lack of contribution, and I'm really ashamed of it.  Our marriage is a partnership, and if I feel that he's not holding up his end of the bargain, then we need to talk it out. 

     This.  Agreed 100%.  When I finally got past my selfishness of our compared take home pay- I felt so bad for all the times I brought it up.  Not to mention- thinking long term, DH has many more opportunities in his career, plus is working diligently to be able to provide for me as a SAHM when we have kids.

    Sometimes it just takes looking past the immediate, seeing the bigger picture to get through the money issue.  Unless, there are bigger issues at stake- and then well, you have to address those, and opening your own account won't solve it.

    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • The amount of money he makes isn't what is important. All I want is for him to work.  He thinks working 25 hrs a week is plenty.  If he found another part time job working 15-20 hrs a week and only made $7.25 an hour I wouldn't care. My goal is to put his his paychecks from part time job #2 into savings, because I am not comfortable only having a 1 month emergency fund.  I mainly stress out because my pay is 100% commission, and if I have a slow week at work there are chances that rent wont get paid. 

    I know he works hard at UPS and is on on track to be promoted to full-time shortly.  Once this happens his salary will completely blow mine out of the water, so I know throwing how much money I make up in his face will just come back to bite me in the ass.  

    As far as the spare account, he WILL know about it.  I make tips everyday and have a bad habit of blowing all of it on useless stuff and plan on putting my tips into this account. If he ever wants to know how much is in there, I will have no problem showing him. 

    My absolute goal is to work out all our issues and renew our vows.  This has been a hell year and we didn't have the wedding we wanted, so I would like to start over and have the wedding we wanted.

     

    OK, this turned out really long...lol

     

  • imagexxSOMMERxx:

    The amount of money he makes isn't what is important. All I want is for him to work.  He thinks working 25 hrs a week is plenty.  If he found another part time job working 15-20 hrs a week and only made $7.25 an hour I wouldn't care. My goal is to put his his paychecks from part time job #2 into savings, because I am not comfortable only having a 1 month emergency fund.  I mainly stress out because my pay is 100% commission, and if I have a slow week at work there are chances that rent wont get paid. 

     

    Why does he think part time is plenty? 

  • imagexxSOMMERxx:
    Yes.  This is what upsets me.

    Do you know why though?  What's his excuse?  

    Is there maybe an underlying issue as to why he feels that way? 

  • He doesn't feel like he needs to find more employment because I make plenty of money.  When things slow down for me (which they will) maybe he will realize why I am being such a nag about things.
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