November 2008 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I don't know how serious this is or how I should deal with it.
My husband comes to me last night and tells me he is depressed. He says he does not think his life has any promise or that he has anything to look forward to anymore. He then said that I was his "bright star" and that he doesn't want me to think I am the cause for his depression, but other than me he has nothing.
Since he has told me this I have felt absolutely horrible, on the verge of tears and I have no idea what to do or how to deal with this. He will NOT see a therapist so that is out of the question. I don't know how serious this is or how I should deal with it. He has been "down" for quite some time, he hates his job and I thought this was the reason but now this depression thing. . .
Re: I don't know how serious this is or how I should deal with it.
My DH has been feeling down latly too about his job. He's not bringing home what he thinks he should. It's just slow and there's nothing he can really do about it, but He'll say things like "I'm a no good hubs." I will tell him that is NOT true he is the best hubby.
Try boosting his self esteam like that. Is he wanting to find another job you could look up some and e-mail them to him.(I've done this)
Does your DH have any hobbies that may cheer him up. And it may not be the right thing for you and your DH but I know Turbo really makes DH happy, they play and roll around and Turbo helps DH wash the cars, and DH loves it. Something like that may be good for your DH.
Or maybe your DH just needs a vacation or even alittle get-away just you and him. Just something to take his mind off his job or what ever is getting him down.
HTH!! Ya'll will be in my T&P!!
Hubby's "hobby" is playing guitar which he feels like he can't do as much as he wants because there is so much housework to do. He says he never has enough time to play music because his time is spend working on the house or doing paper work for his job.
He wants to play music for a living but at age 36 he sees this slipping away from him because he doesn't even have time to write and produce his songs (he has only completed one song in the last 4 months).
that is a good idea
I like Sierra's idea-with setting aside time for music... I was pondering what to write, but her suggestion is good.
Sounds like he needs to make time for his music. if it is what makes him happy, then it is super important!
I'm sorry he's depressed. Wish I had better ideas!
I like Sierra's idea -
But -
As a mental health professional, I'd urge him to talk to someone about it - whether it be his regular physician, or a social worker/psychologist/psychiatrist. There is no shame in needing to talk to someone about your depression; nor is there shame if they feel like an anti-depressant is a good idea. I pph my Zoloft and would be a mess without it.
ETA: I know he refuses, but maybe you could ask him to at least try it once, and offer to go with him if that will help.
I think I will ask him. The only reason I say he "refuses" is because he has said in the past that he think therapy is stupid. . .which I totally disagree with BTW. If he continues down this path I think it might be necessary.
I agree with Sierra, giving him time for himself and his music could help. Even if it's setting aside one hour or two a couple of nights a week, but have it scheduled and have him take advantage of that time.
Don't schedule it on any night that you're likely to make plans with friends or family, try to pick nights when there will be no excuses or reasons not to take time for himself. You could tackle some house projects while he does that, or take time for yourself too.
And maybe if you can afford it, plan surprise nights for him, to listen to some live music. Maybe that'll help him get inspired.
Also, it's great he's opening up to you. Maybe play the therapist part, try to have him talk to you about his feelings, sometimes just talking about it helps people realize where they are and where they want to go.
HTH. Good luck!
I agree with pretty much everything that was said. Ty is an artist and sometimes gets really depressed because his job is in sales and he says the exact same things to me. Your DH definitely needs to put more time into music or he's going to lose it. A temporarily messy house is worth a happy & mentally healthy hubby! Also, this is a great book on creativity vs life: http://gapingvoid.com/books/ Ty LOVED it!! It really inspired him and helped him realize that he can find happiness in working for a living and doing art on the side.
all you ladies have great ideas. Kristy- I'm totally getting him that book!
I hope this weekend will cheer him up because we are going to see Tom Petty in concert!
I am going to talk to him tonight about setting a few nights a week where he has to work on music, no exceptions!
I already feel a lot better about this.
I definitely agree. It's a tough situation, but I think even little changes can make a big impact. And, I agree with Rachel's suggestion of speaking to someone. Maybe he'll be more willing to give it a shot if you join him. I know it must be really disheartening to hear that he's feeling so depressed, but I think it's great that he opened up to you like that and I hope that some of these ideas help out!
D deals with these types of emotions a lot. I have gotten the book that Kristy recommends but he hasn't read it yet. I am hopeful however. I know that just like us, men can go through funks and spells where nothing seems to be able to cheer them up. Maybe he just needs some kind of change and things that the others have suggested could really help.
I agree with all of the above, especially Rachel's comments.
There was a period of my life, five years or more, when I was chased by a very dark raincloud. I was on autopilot because my life was too painful to be present for. I did find some solace in writing and music, so making time for those pursuits is an important outlet.
A therapy or some self-help/spiritual books can really make a difference. I read things like One Day My Soul Just Opened Up and the Tao Te Ching.
Some say depression is anger turned inward. I was angry at my life for not turning out how I wanted it to and allowing it to be controlled by other people and their wants. And my depression didn't go away until I started making things happen, undaunted by failure and potential failure. I found as I faced my fears, the fear of failure went away and I could make bigger, more daring changes.
It took me years, a few therapists and some meds, but mainly my success came from making a very scary decision to stop avoiding hurting other people by my choices.
And there are many musicians who didn't make it until they were older. But you have to play. You have to practice and write and perform and put yourself out there (which is scary when you're depressed).
I would take this very seriously. Tell him you will go to therapy with him if he wants and that you will never tell anyone about it until he's ready to talk about it. Watch for things like him giving away possessions and cutting. And if he needs some time, disability may cover some time off from work based on his diagnosis.
TTC #1 13 cycles, CP 6/09, TTC #2 1 cycle
CDing, EP'd for 13 months for #1, BFing for #2
Pregnancy Hypertension - inductions at 39w, I grow big babies: DD was 9 pounds 1 ounce 22 inches, DS was 11 pounds even 22 inches - both vaginal deliveries