I need advice..

melisa.hesson

Yeah, DH and I went through a hell of a first year, but I got some advice from my Grandma before we got married - she said "whatever you do, whatever happens, don't think/say/entertain divorce in the first year. You will get over it. it will get better."  And man, there were times in the first year that I thought to myself "if we weren't married, I would so break up with him right now."  The conditions were bad - tiny apartment, scorching hot desert, evil demon MIL, you get the picture... 

 Anyway, all these things built up and the tiniest thing like choosing what to cook for dinner would send me over the edge and I would end up treating him like CRAP. I felt terrible about it and vowed to be better all the time, but it never happened... Until I read a book about marriage called "The proper care and feeding of Marriage" (or something to that effect). ***Warning: I actually HATED this book. Dr. laura made it sound like whatever was happening in the relationship was ALWAYS the woman's fault,

 BUT, I did learn something valuable from it:  Whenever we would fight about something stupid and it would grow to this huge monster, I would think to myself  "Can I REALLY deal with this for the rest of my life? Is this REALLY going to be my life FOREVER? I'll NEVER have a DH who understands the simplest things???"  

But what the book taught me was this: He may be thinking the same thing. Am I living in a way worthy of having a wonderful husband with all the qualities I'm "dreaming" about? Obviously, I wasn't.  I was bring terrible to him and entirely selfish. If he doesn't fold the socks the way I do, that means that I don't fold them the way HE wants to either. Everything is a two-way street, but the difference was - he wasn't B***ing about it. He was being good to me, no matter what.  

Instead of thinking "Do I really want to live this way for the rest of my life" I should have been thinking "Does HE really want to live this way for the rest of his life? Or am I going to drive him away?"  

 Not saying you are the same at ALL - obviously everyone has their own way of dealing with things, but that helped me - just to remind myself that "guess what? I'm not the Sh*t." If I want to be listened to and treated well, I better do the same for him and for the last 6 years, our marriage has GREATLY improved  

 

MrsPlant

Do you give yourself enough time for you? I had the same problem for a long time, and it turns out that even though I love my husband dearly, I also need some ME time. Anyways, I hope you all work it out! Like a lot of other people have said, open communication is key. I definitely agree that if it persists to get professional help, or at least talk to a good friend / mentor about things

ezer

Thank you so much for your advice, Biophilia. I have the same problem- as a newleywed, I'm re-adjusting to living with someone, and find myself getting frustrated and annoyed at the smallest of things. I have a wonderful DH who adores me, takes care of me, and is really the best husband I could ask for.

 

Thanks, again!

bootha

I haven't read every comment, but I agree that you and your husband seem to have different expectations about cleaning (and probably on other topics, too).  One reply suggested having each spouse make a list of things that bother you.  Others have talked about avoiding nagging.  These are great suggestions and are worth following.  I noticed that a lot of them talked about communication but don't really elaborate on what that means, so I hope that this example will help.     

Before my husband and I were married, we each went to a great premarital class offered at our university.  They sent us back with a packet that included a list of 200 questions (or so) under the premise that "unexpressed expectations are breeding grounds for conflict."  The questions included everything from "What are your preferences for cleaning?" to "What were the birthday traditions in your family?" and even included things like "Are there any deep, dark secrets in your family?"  The discussions made us feel more comfortable with each other and lead to tangents that helped give us a better sense of where our weaknesses in marriage were going to be. 

One thing that we learned is that I tend to not share negative feelings (perhaps your husband is this way?)  About a month into our marriage, we finally butted into the problem.  During dinner, I had tried sharing something with my husband and I felt as though he had been quick to criticize and would not let me continue without a critique of the previous sentence.  I knew that he had not realized that he had done it, but I still felt a turmoil of negative feelings.  We had cleaned up dishes and were getting ready to go on our date for the week when I finally gathered up my courage and said, "You know, I'm feeling a little bitter about what just happened at dinner."

(Note: This is something he taught me to do while we were dating.  Using an I-statement to focus on how the event has made me feel, being as accurate and specific as possible. It has helped me identify my own feelings, whether angry, irritated, frustrated, hurt, envious, sheepish, etc. and helps him figure out exactly what he has done to spur the emotion.  Back to the example...)

He stopped everything and listened while I tried to explain my feelings. As I had guessed, he didn't even realize that he had done something hurtful and together we realized that there had been a similar (unresolved) incident while we were dating on a completely different topic.  We identified the pattern and realized that it came down to an essential difference in the way we communicate.  He agreed to try to listen more wholistically and even gave me a hug and a kiss to seal the deal. 

The whole process took about 20 minutes, but we were were so happy again and had an incredible date afterwards.  Perhaps a similar process of finding out each other's expectations and then expressing your emotions when something has upset you might be helpful.  If your husband is as wonderful as he sounds, then I am sure he would go through this process with you so that your relationship can continue to grow. 

I wish you the best of luck!

SammySarah

Obviously this happens to a lot of women after their wedding,... I am still going through it myself, we just got married on May 1st and I miss it so much still,...

I even catch myself watching those silly wedding shows I was when we were planning,..LOL Which BTW does NOT make you feel better so abstain if you can,..

Once I expressed how I was feeling DH has been so understanding and even admitted he missed it a little too:)

Now whenever I lose my cool over somethng silly he gets on one knee and says something like "we can call our friends and get married again tonight, why wait, in an hour,..." (that was his last one so it's fresh in my head) to which I laugh uncontrolably and feel 110%,.....

Until my next silly moment,...LOL

It will pass though, so they tell me,... good luck and just keep talkin' to eachother

carleesta

I have been the same way! I lived at home (for the most part) before getting married, and I was very used to having things done a certain way, and so was he. I have a wonderful husband, but I like to have control. I think it's just getting used to working together in one space...i've only been married for three weeks, and this is still something that I am getting used too! I am trying to think twice before I open my mouth.