should i feel dissed

Cross-Evans

my friend of 5 years asked me to be MOH at her wedding. The wedding is this sunday. Over the last months i have been a stellar MOH. I've been wedding dress shopping, threw her a lovely shower, planned to bachelorette parties (one in the town we live in now and one in the town we are from), helped her with countless DIY projects and, I am a baker, and am even making her wedding cake for free....and today, as I was helping her finish her programs, she informed me that she did not want me to give a toast at her reception.

 Her reasoning...her very dear friend, a bridesmaid who has been her pal since childhood wants to give a toast. The bride thinks it would be better to have both me and the other BM give toasts at the RD and have the BM give a toast at the reception.

 I feel pretty dissed after all I have done for her....do I have a right to?

amanjay

Well, you're allowed to feel however you want about this. But, didn't you do it all because you're her friend and not because you wanted to give "The Toast?"

Cross-Evans

of course...and i enjoyed doing all of them. But, the other BM was pregnant during this whole wedding process and had to much going to help plan, etc. That makes sense, but it doesnt make sense to then have her take over MOH duties on the day of...

 i guess i was just really excited about it. i've had a wedding day toast written for weeks and it doesn't make much sense to give it the day before.

 

LPace84

It sounds like maybe the BM was causing your bride some drama and she was trying to give her something to do that made her feel important.  You are probably doing her a huge favor by just letting the other girl do the toast.  I can just hear the BM, "Oh I'm not your MOH?!.....oh...."  and then drama.  I had a lot of that going on.

Cross-Evans

thanks LPace...i had not thought of it from that perspective. It makes a little more sense.

northtamarack

You are a very sweet friend to do all of that for the bride.  :-) 

What I don't understand is why you both couldn't give a toast.  I've been to several weddings, including my own where more than one bm or gm have gotten up to toast the couple.  If it is really bothering you, could you share your already prepared speech with the bride?  Maybe then she would make a different decision?

Jennifer2008

I'd tell your friend something like this: "I have a good idea of what I wanted to say, and would be really excited to do a toast in addition to other friend, but if you think it would be better for me to do it at the RD then I understand."

JennyQ1985

I like the PP's idea!  I don't see why you both can't make the toast.  And if anyone should be doing the toast at the RD then it should be that BM, not you.

lsgarver

I think the bride is making a dumb decision but she probably has her own reasons ad figures that the toast is not very important or fun.  In all honesty, people don't care THAT much about best man/MOH toasts.  Please don't ask her if you can also do one at the wedding.  It sounds like she'll already have a best man and a BM, maybe a parent or whoever is hosting the wedding and maybe a blessing before the meal.  Too many speakers.

Give a stellar toast at the RD (and, really, having the MOH and a BM giving toasts at the RD is too much) and let it go--like pp mentioned, I imagine there's a backstory to why she's made the switch this late in the game.

martinilove

northtamarack:

You are a very sweet friend to do all of that for the bride.  :-) 

What I don't understand is why you both couldn't give a toast.  I've been to several weddings, including my own where more than one bm or gm have gotten up to toast the couple.  If it is really bothering you, could you share your already prepared speech with the bride?  Maybe then she would make a different decision?

This.  When my BFF got married, she had 2 MOH's (me being one of them) and we both gave speeches and it was fine!  I don't see the big deal and honestly, I wouldn't take offense to it.  She asked you to be her MOH afterall...that's a pretty big deal (in my book)!  I would just tell her that while you understand the situation, you would like to say something at the reception....it's not a big deal!

MargaretGail

Don't feel dissed.....she's not "dumping" you as a "toaster", but sharing the toast with someone who obviously wants to give a toast as well, and the bride doesn't want to diss her either.  I wish I had had a friend like you to help me with all that stuff before the wedding day - I had to do everything myself (except the table placecards).  I did give special recognition to my hair dresser at the reception for going beyond the call of duty on all our hair, makeup, and other small favors she did for us.  I also gave recognition to my son's friend for helping us create/format the specialized table placecards (a HUGE chore that was).   At any rate, in your own toast you can say how much fun you had and what great pleasure it gave you to do "x, y, and z" for the bride.  With a little creative thinking, you'll get the acknowledgement that I think you're looking for, and you get to do it yourself via the toast!  

brandymonique

Yes you do have the right to feel dissed. Shame on the bride. She should feel embarrassed.  I dont see why you cant say a littue something as well.. If it turns out that you cant just be graceful

suzjaime

If it makes you feel any better, my bridesmaid who was not the MOH interrupted the best man to try to give a speech herself.  We had her wait and allowed her to give a speech after.  Oh the drama of weddings. 

 

I think you should be honest with the bride.  If my bridesmaids had any concerns I would certainly make the situation better.

suzjaime

After reading my reply I hope it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong.  You have been great.  Just know weddings are full of drama.  Be honest with the bride.  Be the best friend you can.  I probably would be upset in your situation as well.

psugoph

I had 2 MOH and offered both of them to make a toast.  They really do not take very long but I would mention it to your friend.  Just so she knows how you feel and maybe she will tell you that the other BM did moan and groan alittle.

I would want my MOH giving the toast on my wedding day so just find out what the bride "really" wants and go with that since ultimately it is her day and you are there to support her!! 

 

makiaoh

Heck yeah you have a right to feel dissed!  And I think you should let the bride know how you feel.  However, state your peace politely.  In my opinion, the bride sounds as if she trying to appease other folks without thinking.  This maybe a simple oversight and she probably didnt' think you'd mind.  So let her know how you feel and tell her in confidence.  And tell her you are telling her in confidence and you both are not to blab this to everybody else.  If she wants everyone else to give a toast, tell her you would like to be (and should be) first.  Maybe her dear friend should have been the MOH.

KristieB76

I think you should tell her how you feel but do so gently!  Weddings are a stressful time for most brides and you dont know what else is going on in the background.  Brides usually feel pressure from all sides and it sounds like the other BM is giving her some grief and guilt.  It might be her way of offering the other BM a 'special moment' in the day as she wasnt chosen as the MOH.  I understand your feelings though... I wouldnt be happy about it either!  She is lucky to have a friend like you... my 3 bridesmaids didnt help with anything and caused a lot of grief for me which was very disappointing