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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can we talk about MILs?
Alright, many of you know that Casey and I have a lousy relationship with his family (mainly his mother); if you didn't, now you do 
.
Casey is laid back and not aggressive at all, he can just let things roll off his shoulders. I am the complete opposite, which makes it impossible for me to be in the same room with my MIL for more than oh, five minutes at a time.
I would LOVE to hear how everyone deals with their MIL, and any suggestions on how to deal with a situation like this (our current approach is avoidance).
Re: Can we talk about MILs?
When we were dating my ex-MIL did NOT like me. She actually wrote my ex an e-mail saying she suspected that I was a tweaker because I was so skinny and pale. First of all, yes, I'm skinny but not THAT skinny. I'm a size 4 not a 0! Second, I'm Irish and Swedish- if I weren't pale that would be weird. So we didn't start out on the right foot. She also didn't come to our wedding...
But then once we were actually married I think she started liking me. We'd hang out from time to time when we were in town and she was nice to me. I think once she realized that I didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, and go to church on Sundays she stopped judging and started liking me.
So... I guess my only suggestion is to suck it up and hope it gets better eventually? Horrible advice since it sounds like a conflict on personalities not a matter of her thinking you're a druggie...
I deal by only seeing mine like once every 18months or so...
No really. Well, MIL isn't that bad, I care for her a lot - but she drives me nuts sometimes. It's more on how my DH was raised, and how they are raising my 13yo SIL that bothers me, and makes me want to jump out and scream.
I can't help as I got REALLY lucky with my IL's. They really are great to us and I have felt like they accepted me as part of their family right away.
I hope things get better with you and your MIL. I've heard some horrible stories and I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that. Good luck.
Ditto this. I'm really lucky, too, and love my ILs. The best advice I can offer is to work on getting Casey to take a more active role in dealing with your MIL when she's being rude or getting on your nerves. I know that's probably hard for him, since it's contrary to his personality... but it would mean less stress for you and therefore, less stress on him and your marriage in the long run. My feeling is that each person in the marriage is responsible for issues with their own families. If we had a problem with the way my parents were behaving toward me or Mike, I'd deal with it, and vice versa.
Of course, I know that's easier said than done. Good luck, I hope it gets easier for you!
In the same situation.Cams parents are extremely mormon, and thus hate the fact that we aren't married and have a baby. And have no plans to get married any time soon. 6 months after we got together, Cam went to rehab, and of course since I was the new gf, his mother blamed me. She also insults my ethnicity and background.Cameron finally told her to stop sending her bordering racist emails to me. I know I don't look Mexican, but I am.
I ignore her. We only see her two to three times a year. I hate it, but can't do anything about it. I'm nice to her, but not too much.
I love his dad, when he says "Love you" I say it back...but never to her.
Only advise I have is to be nice and ignore her snippy remarks. Confronting it could make it worse.
Alright, so the verdict is don't confront her myself?
I have made several lists and written many emails detailing the things she's done to offend me and my feelings toward her, but I've never clicked send.
Casey never stands up to her, no man in that family does (her H and 3 other sons) and that encourages this idea that she is the queen bee. I would give anything to set her straight.
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
So Tay you know my situation, I have kept quite for a very long time. Cj finally realized that he and I are a family unit of our own and they we need to come first so he is standing up to her more and telling her that she is not to talk about me to him when i am not their.
But beleive me it has taken a very long time to get to that point.... and i am sure it is a long road ahead to get it where we have peace in our house over the constant gossiping that goes one when i am not around.
What does Casey think? Would he rather you hash it out with her instead of him talking to her? Does he agree that she's being difficult? I think however you guys decide to handle it is totally fine, as long as you agree on how to do it.
If you do talk to her, I would probably try to do it in person rather than through email. I know it's way easier to do it through email (plus you get to make sure you say exactly what you want to say), but I think sitting down with her face-to-face is probably more likely to resolve some of the issues and keep things more civil. I've seen from personal experience that emails seem to make this type of situation much worse.
But like I said, I've never been in this type of situation myself, so this is just the best advice I have based on what I've seen others close to me go through.
This sounds like DH's Aunt. She thinks she's the queen bee and even tells her granddaughter that she's the queen. Her DIL had to stand up to her and since then she's been better towards her. I hope Casey will same something....I would make him if it were me. lol
He completely agrees that she is difficult (he actually tries to say that she has mental issues, but this is hard for me to swallow...).
He doesn't want to confront her, and he doesn't want me to confront her; his solution is ignoring her. This leaves me completely unsatisfied, and it leaves her with a sense of victory.
She has done MANY, many things to piss me off, the only reason I'm talking about it today is b/c we're going to dinner with his parents next Tuesday for a belated Father's Day celebration and I'll be stuck with her and her inquisition. Secondly, my (future) SIL told me last night that MIL is stalking me via FB. Proof being: we're planning a trip to FL in October to visit SIL, and plans have been discussed via FB; MIL tells SIL she's going to plan a trip to FL in October too.
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
Honestly, we moved to a different city to put distance between us. It helped immensely. Instead of dealing with their nonsense daily we only see them every 3-4 weeks.
My ILs were fabulous until we had kids. But our kids spent a long time in the hospital after their birth (they were preemies) and the ILs said/did some really horrible things while they were in the hospital. I don't know if the kids being preemies is what catalyzed it, but they are totally BSC now. I still can't effing stand the sight of them, but not having them 10 minutes away has helped a ton.
My two biggest pieces of advice are
1) Pick your battles - Really.... I know that she may be a total douche-canoe but if you are going to go at her with anything, make sure it is totally worth it. Let things slide off of your back. You both know how she is and it's likely she isn't going to change.
2) More flies with honey - just smile and nod and be sweet when you have to be. Don't take this to mean kiss her butt and do what she wants but just put on your best happy face and that will trick the ever living crap out of her.
Also, if it is something that is really bugging you and you feel you need to address her about it, you should have Casey do it, or at least do it with you and be by your side. Otherwise, you'll just look like the B!tchy DIL you know. But like i said in number 1... pick your battles...
It would be great to put some physical distance btw us, but unfortunately thats not an option for us for several reasons:
1) We love our town, we grew up in it, and the 7 months we lived in Scottsdale (literally 15 minutes up the road, sucked).
2) We've only been in our house for 6 months; we've invested so much time and $$$ in renovating it, I couldn't just put it back on the market this quickly.
3) Not only are the ILs in FH, but so are my parents (whom we love and enjoy spending time with).
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
I really appreciate this, and understand what you are saying. I am going to give it a try
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
You should probably set your FB up so that only your friends can see your page. You can also set it up so that if you commet on other peoples FB, only YOUR friends can see what you say, so MIL cant stalk you...
Ohhh, I can do that?! I'm going to play with the privacy settings, that sounds like a great option. I'm not friends with her or FIL, but she goes to Casey and SIL's page to read our conversations..
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
I ditto the thoughts of Jess
Granted, I haven't a clue what your relationship is like, but I'm big on humor or sarcasm if you will. If she offends you blatantly, I like comments where you turn it back around--"Taylor, you're really dumb" You "Thanks MIL, glad you've got the IQ results in front of you, where did you fall?" Ok, so that probably doesn't work for many--but I am NOT good at hiding it when I don't like someone, but I like to crack a joke to deal
I think you need to figure out what your boundaries--clearly state them to yourself and to Casey. It could be as simple as having a signal--ear tug works for us--and he knows it is time to leave or change the subject or stand up for you.
Next, I think time will help. Time can hopefully equal growth in both of you and your relationship.
It stinks that you can't be pals. I don't have a MIL--syl's folks are both gone, but the rest of his family is a wreck--I used to make comments and wait for him to act--now if they call, I deal with it in a total Dr. Phil way and they probably don't like me, but I don't mind (too much)
Ugh. Especially the bolded part. That gets a double ugh. I'd be really frustrated, too. Maybe Jenn has some words of wisdom on how she got CJ to come around on this.
Yep, set your page up so that ONLY your friends can see it. And there is a place for your comments / wall posts to only be scene by your friends so even if you wrote on Casey's wall, she couldnt see it..
Or even better yet, just block her and FIL. But make sure you change your account settings so only friends can see it too but that way if she decided to act like a 12 year old and make another FB she couldnt see you from that one either
I would talk to her with Casey there beside you. Be calm about it and no matter what you be the adult and walk away if things become too intense. I would of course talk to Casey about it first and let him know what issues your having and how his mother is affecting you.
I got super lucky with my MIL. shes the sweeatest person and she often wants to spend just us girls. My grandmother however is a ryal *** to my mother and that relationship will never heal. so i got to grow up watching the good, the bad, and the ugly. so naturally i feel like i lucked out.
Good luck
Lol Shell! I would love to say something like that to her. I really love your idea of coming up with a signal for Casey. I usually kick him or pinch him, and he'll look at me and say "why are you kicking me".
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
Jess, I like your style
I'm going to do both of those things right now!
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
I'm always so late to the party...
So my DH is totally the same, he's very passive, nothing bothers him, while me, well I'm not afraid of confrontation and call it as I see it.
DH's mom is a very nice lady, his dad, well... I could totally do without. He's very, very strict in his beliefs and I do not agree at all with how he treats his wife or how they are raising BIL (he's 11).
Our issues aren't really with his mom, except that she leans WAY to much on DH because well she doesn't get what she wants from her husband.
Moral of the story. I had to understand that DH and I didn't come from the same family and the models of how we deal with things are different.
DH finally understood how much it upset me, and did talk to his mom about it (there was a point in which his dad wasn't invited to the wedding) but ultimately, it's just not in his nature to confront them. He does understand that there may very well come a day in which I can not swallow it and say something to his dad.
For us, the key was just getting to a point where we both understood and were okay with what may or may not happen with the situation. Subsequently, I dont spend a lot of time with his immediate family (LOVE LOVE LOVE his extended family), which is hard on him and he has to deal with the questions of why, but to him he'd rather deal with that, then the other things he could be dealing with.
My mom says that one of the reasons DH and I work together well is because he's more laid back and I'm more OCD- but I have to understand that his laid back style applies everywhere...
Feel free to vent/flame anytime you want though
Hey that could be a GTG- venting about inlaws (or other family members that irritate you)
Oh Jen, so many good points!
I think a talk is definitely in order. Casey and I never discuss the MIL issues calmly, its almost always when my temper has reached its peak and I'm not making a whole lotta sense...
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!
This advice - totally! It is definitely his job to deal with his mom. I would recommend having a very serious conversation with him about how you are feeling (doing your best not to sound like you are coming down on his mom TOO much - focus more on your feelings when she says/does X, Y, Z and how he can do X, Y, or Z to help make things easier for you).
I do agree it is easier said than done though. I also am super lucky with parents-in-law, and I hope that doesn't sound b*tchy. I hope you can find something that works for you!
Haha - this is true. I've known Mrs. D for many years and saw the evolution (de-evolution?) of their relationship... ;-)
UGH this was a hard one... and still is a work in progress. With CJ, I just had to break it down like this. We have two choices here, either we continue working together as our family unit or you can forever and always put your families feeling before mine.
When ever you live with someone married or just significant other you become a family unit, not that his parents brothers or sisters are no longer family they are just now his "nuclear" family and you are his "new" family, when i explained that to Cj and said how long can we go putting your "nueclear" families fealing above our own. He lives with you has to deal with your emotions everyday and that is what truly matters.
Once i broke it down to CJ this way he realized that we his/mine/our feelings are one and really should come first when it is things his mom/sil are doing to me/us. So since then he has been more willing to stand up for me/us.
I really hope that makes sense and so sorry it got so long
Jenn, I really love the way you broke it down for him, this is phrasing I never would've thought to use.
I'm going to try and talk with him soon, maybe tonight (he's getting annoyed hearing about it - so I might wait until she does something else), b/c this is affecting our marriage. I mean, we rarely ever fight, but I would venture to say anytime we do fight its b/c of MIL.
Can't wait to meet my baby boy!