Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Divorce.
Has there been an instance when you have thought about divorce or threaten to divorce your husbad? Please do share, here is my story-LONG:
DH and I have been doing very well at saving 20% of our earnings. We pay to our savings like a bill. We have saved enough for a down payment on a house, renovations, and a long overdue honeymoon. Then we did the financials to buy a home, found out we qualified for 100% financing throught the VA. Cool I thought, I thought we will have enough for renovations, furniture and a honeymoon and still have some savings for when baby comes. My DH in the meantime was thinking...cool! We have enough for house and more than enough for toys. So one day I come home from work and in our living room is a $4000 mt bike that he had been showing me on the internet for months and I kept saying wait until we buy a house.
So, needless to say I was angry! and threatened him with divorce if he didn't return it. It wasn't about the money it was about staying focused with our priorities and communicating about our savings.
The bike and marriage are still riding hard. I love my DH, he is the kindest person in the world! with a BIG childs heart. But what made me think of this is that I have forbidden us to touch our house/honeymoon savings unless it's an emeregency. If we want something, we save for it seperately. Well, we started saving for another project and it's going well...and my dh has started talking about buying another bike "beauce the trails are different here in Oregon and once we buy a house, it's over," is what he told.
arrgghh!!!! I don;t know if too laugh or cry because I love him the way he is but it's so hard to keep him focused sometimes.
Re: Divorce.
LittleC - I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds like you and your dh have been extremely smart and restrained. If I were you I would be extremely upset to come home and find such an expensive purchase that we did not make together. You've been saving together, the decisions should have been made together. You are completely justified to feel the way you do.
Without knowing the ins and outs of your relationship it's hard to make any final conclusions. But as an outsider it seems like your dh is like most. So amazing in so many ways, but not perfect. I can't say I've ever threatened divorced, we're still too "newlywed" for that. But even in our relationship leading up to our marriage I never threatened to leave or toss him out.
Sex and finances are the top reasons couples split, and spending 4k without talking about it is huge. I hope he's saving for that second bike outside of your house fund. It's such a perfect time to buy. It sounds like you've been so smart with your savings and this is a perfect investment. I'd ask him the anticipated appreciation on his bike? Can you buy the house and once you have equity built look at the bike? Is he willing to sell the bike that doesn't work on the "Oregon Trails".
I'd be furious if I were in your situation but threatening divorce is not a good idea. It undermines the trust in your relationship (not that there isn't already an issue given the bike purchase but don't make it worse). If you threaten divorce, you need to be willing to follow up on it. Never use the threat of divorce as a weapon.
If you (justifiably in this situation) are angry with him, you need to sit down with him and talk it out. Make sure you're on the same page. You've said that you have different ideas about spending priorities -- that's something you need to work through and fast. Maybe you need a counselor, maybe not but you definitely need to get on the same page because he'll feel resentful that you dictate his spending and you'll feel resentful that he's spending irresponsibily and "off-plan".
Oh no don't get me wrong. I realize that I went to the extreme of using divorce as a weapon to get what I wanted. I was angry I didn't even speak to him for a week. But my mother thought me better than that, money never comes before family. Obstacles will come and go, but my dh has been with me, without judgement and loving me unconditionally through our biggests obstacles, and there is no price for that. He works hard and he deserves to have the bike...the timing was just wrong.
This time around when he mentioned buying another bike we both just laugh remembering the first incident.
I thought you gals would get a laugh out of it as my friends did when I told them.
Sorry to hear what you've been going through. DH and I have certainly had our share of fights, and we tend to both be very spirited and opinionated so I'm sure we'll continue to argue over the years. But we've both gotten much better at keeping arguments in perspective over the years, so I find we spend less time fighting and more time productively arguing these days, if that makes any sense.
I'm impressed with how diligently you and your husband have been saving money, and it is very true that finances are a huge issue in many relationships. Even after taking the time to discuss an finances many people still find themselves seeing things differently than their partner, and the only thing you can do is continue to communicate openly about ideas and expectations. Sound like your DH might be a little anxious (and probably excited too) about the idea of buying a home but hopefully he can find a different way of dealing with it than making huge purchases without discussing it with you first! Good luck to you and know that you aren't alone!
Regarding walking into the house and seeing a $4000 new toy.... Several years ago I bought DH an "old style" big screen TV, brand new, Toshiba, top of the line, a 57". He loved it. Right after that he proposed. Well when we bought our house a few years ago, the living room is a certain shape, and the couch and TV don't go very well in there. It fit, just looked awkward.
DH and I came into a big chunk of money. We didn't have any debt to pay off, so started talking about how to spend it. I really wanted to do a lavish vacation.
Came home from work one day, and there is a HUGE 60" plasma TV installed in our living room wall. He had went and bought that without telling me. I was pissed! Then he pulls something out of his pocket, and it was a HUGE diamond that I had my eye on for awhile. He had bought it for me as a surprise : )
So now our agreement is, everytime DH gets a new TV, I get a new diamond!
Wow. Jen, your post really gave some good advice to corazon. Keep it coming!
In any relationship, communication is key. Personally, if I have been scrimping and saving for a big purchase, sometimes I just need to buy something to get it out of my system. Definitely, not a 4k item however. This could impulse buy could be stemming from another issue. It is often that wedding, marriage, buying a house and other ?adult? actions can cause some anxiety and the need to grab onto something juvenile that pushes adulthood further might be a quick solution. Newbie has some excellent advice, never threaten with divorce. It shouldn?t be a punishment.
Mi Casa
Mrs.2Ducks, if you would have read Corazon's & PDX's responses, THAT is what I was replying to. She said she told the story as a joke. But thanks for being catty for no reason!
The-Jen
I shared this with DH and we have renogotiated. He can get a new bike, after we come back from Rome and I get this new ring I look at everytime we go to Costco to complement my right hand. He gets what he wants, I get what I want, and the marriage (trip to Rome) gets what it wants. ;-)
How's pregnancy life? Do you know or want to know what you are having?
Oh good, I love fun outcomes! That really isa good compromise,because then you're both happy and you both "get" something new.
Rome, how fun!!!!
Don't know yet, we will find out Halloween-ish. At this point we would be very happy with a boy or a girl, but I am having a hard time settling on one name that i like...well at least we have plenty of time!