Is this normal???

xxtreemchik2

My husband and I just were recently married; our 3 weeks is actually this saturday, but a problem seems to have arrived or at least we have found ourselves in a odd predicament. I don't know if it is my expecting more than I should be or if we just don't have the sizzle and passion that we used to but we only have sex maybe once or twice a week. I had thought that at this point we would be all over each other in the "honeymooners stage" but it seems like we actually get in on (in a matter of speaking) less than we did before the engagement even.... I guess what I am trying to ask is... Is this normal?

LadyMadrid08

I don't know what normal is.  My H and I have a waning and waxing sex life as I'm sure most people do.  A few weeks after the wedding we weren't doing it very often and then all the sudden we just started up again...I'm not sure there's any rhyme or reason to it.  It could also be stress.  Marriage is a big change and sometimes things like moving, job stress,or  other concerns might be the reason you're not having as much sex.

I think being "normal" is an idea you should get out of your head right now because only you and your H can say what is normal for you.  If you feel there is something lacking, talk about it.  Communication can only help in these situations as long as both parties are respectful and understanding.

DanielsWife

There is no one, standard, "normal" amount of sex per week for anyone. Why do people continue to compare themselves to something that doesn't exist??

LadyMadrid08 is right: if there is something lacking, talk it out. A BIG part of marriage is good communication. 

riderpunk

There is no real standard, its whatever is right for you two.  I never went through a honeymoon stage.  Things like life, work, house, etc really take a toll on a sex life.  If both of you are okay with once a week, no reason to change it, if you have concerns talk to him about it.  In the end just being able to be comfortable with your husband is what is important, you will learn that sex in the end is not as important as one may think.

Lil'BlackDress

This happened to us too, during our engagement we weren't living together and it was all the time, when we got married it started out really slow (or at least it was slow in my mind) I think for me it was that I had expected MORE sex once we got married, where as he figured it would probably stay the same or be even less...I mean we do both work and we are busy on weekends so to find time actually seemed harder.  I wouldn't get too upset about it though, I know for us it goes up and down, sometimes it'll be once a week sometimes it'll be 3 times in a day.  After a wedding things are kinda crazy though trying to get back to normal life, give it some time and figure out how much works for both of you, and don't compare yourself to other couples.

Magnetic123

Hi xxtreemchik2! I want to say first of all that I totally empathize with you and know what you're goign through. I actually just posted about my own expectations for sex and frustration, so I know how you feel.

That being said, I was given some very useful advice that reminded me of some truths I had sort of shoved under the bed because I was in a negative mental state. For starters:

• To reiterate what others have said, there is no such thing as normal. There is only what is normal between you two. As long as you are both communicating your needs and working to make yourself and the your spouse happy, you'll be fine. The most important thing is understanding why you have the expectations you have. Do you feel like the frequency and/or quality of your sex is not meeting your personal standards? Or do you feel like your sex life is not meeting the expectations you set up for yourself based on ideas of marriage you may have picked up from friends, tv, books, etc? If it's the first situation and your personal needs aren't being met, you need to be honest with yourself and with your H. You need to understand what you want, and try to understand why you want it. From there, you can communciate with him about your needs and work together to understand what's going on. If it's the second reason, then the best thing you can do is recenter your expectations based on yourself and not the image you've conjured of marriage from other sources. No one fitws the molds presented in books and movies, and no two relationships are the same.
• Secondly, the best things you can do are to be aptient and to communicate. You haven't been married for very long, and you may just besettling in. relax, and give yourselves time to find a rhythm and learn eachother's needs. We may want or expect it to happen quickly, but in truth, most worthwhile endeavors are well-earned and time consuming. That just makes it sweeter when you get there.
• Thirdly, if you are dissatified, you ahve to take ownership of the situation. It sucks sometimes, I know, because so often the person who recognizes the deficit is the person yearning for the other person to display more attention or intiate more. But, because life is unfortunately not fair, it generally works out that you probably will need to take the lead to make things better. If your sex life lacks sizzle, you need to take initiative to try to infuse it with some sizzle. You need to be the one to start taking action and to start talking. chances are, your hubby is clueless this is bothering you.
• Here's what I've found to be true in both my life and by observing the lives of others: marriage does not change the dynamic of your relationship half as much as you expect it to. You're still the same two people that you were before you got married. If the sizzle had diminished before you got married, being married is unlikely to jump start it. The good news is that doesn't mean the sizzle is gone. It just means you have to work for it now. And that's true with every relationship. Relationships go through stages. Some are fairly universal. Others are unique to you and your H. But the stages happen. They are natural and beneficial if you you take advantage of them. When we first begin a relationship, we're flooded with chemical reactions and sensory explosions - new experiences, the joy of learning a person, all the "firsts" and milestones - and all of those things make the sizzle. As Carrie says in Sex and the City, it's the "zsa-zsa zhu". However, with time, those chemical reactiosn change. The shine wears off and your become more comfortable, more in tune with eachother - more real. At these points of growth, you have a choice to yearn for the past or turn towards the future. Marriages and long term relationships require you to accept these changes as find ways to use them to grow.

There's a very interesting book on marriage by David Schnarch that talks about how to keep passion alive over the course of marriage. One of his keys points is that there is very little in society that teaches us how to embrace and nurture love as an adult. He talks about what he refers to as the adolescent love that is early-stage attraction, and how society and movies and suhc glorify that stage and teach us to expect that passion fits within this model. He talks about the fact that most of us have no education in how to be passionate adults, and that marriages suffer because the only thign that can prepare you for marriage is to be married and use that experience to teach yourself. Here's a link to read an excerpt on Goole. it's very interesting: http://books.google.com/books?id=15VZxliCJEoC&printsec=frontcover&dq=sex+starved+narriage&source=gbs_similarbooks_s&cad=1#v=onepage&q&f=false

In any case, I'm sure I've rambled and said way more than you wanted to read, but know that you will be ok, and there's nothing wrong with you or your marriage.

Magnetic123

Ack! Sorry for all the typos. My stupid keybard is giving me issues. Should have proofread......

 

Also, i think i pasted the wrong link. Try this: click here