Sexting? How do you forgive and move on?

lrachelle80

cejourne123:

I agree 110% kellyAnn53 comment, especially in this day and age. All everyone wants to do when there's a rough patch in the marriage is to get a divorce. If that is the case why waste you time and money getting married. what's the purpose of taking vows "Till death do us part"? I'm not saying to just forgive him but you two should work on rebuilding that trust, setting boundaries and seeking professional or religous counseling. No one deserve to be cheated on but in a marriage theres good times and bad. 

Bad times is blowing your money on a new set of golf clubs without asking. Bad times is not being cheated on. So you think she should be in a relationship without forgiving him?? How is that healthy?  And maybe someone should be asking the husband about the purpose of taking vows that he doesn't intend to keep, and not the victim.

OosumSauce

lrachelle80:

OMG that is wrong wrong wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lrachelle80

OosumSauce:

lrachelle80:

OMG that is wrong wrong wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, right? It totally doesn't make sense to have the same tattoo on your arm AND on your ribcage. Not to mention that headband does not go with that g-string AT ALL.

Spazkat1220

No don't take this as a defense of his actions, however before you kick him to the curb I think it important to try and get to the root of the problem. Men are delicate creatures emotionally in that rather then productively channeling their feelings they tend to act out in unproductive ways. He may be in need of attention and is looking for ways to get it because he isn't getting it at home. It has been my experience that men who seek affection from other sources don't love their wives any less they are just week and cave into the temptations of their primeval. You need to sit down and sternly but calmly discuss how these actions are making you feel, and find out how he feels and why he felt the need to do this. He may still love you deeply, but has unresolved emotional needs.

smock.smock

Spazkat1220:

No don't take this as a defense of his actions, however before you kick him to the curb I think it important to try and get to the root of the problem. Men are delicate creatures emotionally in that rather then productively channeling their feelings they tend to act out in unproductive ways. He may be in need of attention and is looking for ways to get it because he isn't getting it at home. It has been my experience that men who seek affection from other sources don't love their wives any less they are just week and cave into the temptations of their primeval. You need to sit down and sternly but calmly discuss how these actions are making you feel, and find out how he feels and why he felt the need to do this. He may still love you deeply, but has unresolved emotional needs.

Can I nominate this post for "Best Armchair Psychologizing of Cheating Men"? It's like she stared into his soul and spoke the words he was too delicate and week [sic] to say himself. 

ednjess426

God forbid you women ever make a mistake in your lives that may cost you your marriage. Have you never made a mistake? Never did something you couldn't explain away? "By the same measure you are judged, you will be judged" Instead of all of you jumping on the *** train, why don't you harpies offer some constructive advice? I don't condone what he did, but not all men are strong enough to deal with the changes that come with parenthood. A woman becomes almost untouchable for the last trimester, and then for 6 weeks after birth. If the child is colic, or the mother has PPS, then there goes more time without intimacy. During and after pregnancy, it's all about the mother and baby. What happens to the father? He feels left out and neglected. Is it any wonder he found a "friend" who paid him some attention and made him feel good about himself? Again, I don't condone what he did, but I understand it. Most guys don't know how to express this without looking like a giant ass. Also, no guy wants to go to counseling, regardless of whether he wants to work it out or not. It's a sign of weakness and failure. Don't "hate"; I didn't write the rules, I just enforce them. My simple advice would be to go to counseling alone at first, and then you can work your husband into the mix. Also, a good Clergyman would know how to better handle the situation. Divorce, especially with a child in the mix, shouldn't be your first and only recourse. Good luck.

lrachelle80

smock.smock:

Spazkat1220:

No don't take this as a defense of his actions, however before you kick him to the curb I think it important to try and get to the root of the problem. Men are delicate creatures emotionally in that rather then productively channeling their feelings they tend to act out in unproductive ways. He may be in need of attention and is looking for ways to get it because he isn't getting it at home. It has been my experience that men who seek affection from other sources don't love their wives any less they are just week and cave into the temptations of their primeval. You need to sit down and sternly but calmly discuss how these actions are making you feel, and find out how he feels and why he felt the need to do this. He may still love you deeply, but has unresolved emotional needs.

Can I nominate this post for "Best Armchair Psychologizing of Cheating Men"? It's like she stared into his soul and spoke the words he was too delicate and week [sic] to say himself. 

I'm not sure if you know this, but responding to posts on The Nest is required in order to graduate with a psychology degree. Obviously.

And am I the only one laughing at "sternly but calmly"?

ReturnOfKuus

A typo is a mistake.  Having a side relationship is a huge gaping character flaw.

My lord, I can't believe what so many women are putting up with, and from guys they weren't even married to, no less.  What's with that, continuing to date boyfriends who cheated on you and then going on to marry them?  Why not give one of the literally millions of men in the world who have never cheated on you a shot?  Or, crazy as it may sound, why not just be single and not worry about any of that?

smock.smock

Ed_M:

God forbid you women ever make a mistake in your lives that may cost you your marriage. Have you never made a mistake? Never did something you couldn't explain away? "By the same measure you are judged, you will be judged" Instead of all of you jumping on the *** train, why don't you harpies offer some constructive advice? I don't condone what he did, but not all men are strong enough to deal with the changes that come with parenthood. A woman becomes almost untouchable for the last trimester, and then for 6 weeks after birth. If the child is colic, or the mother has PPS, then there goes more time without intimacy. During and after pregnancy, it's all about the mother and baby. What happens to the father? He feels left out and neglected. Is it any wonder he found a "friend" who paid him some attention and made him feel good about himself? Again, I don't condone what he did, but I understand it. Most guys don't know how to express this without looking like a giant ass. Also, no guy wants to go to counseling, regardless of whether he wants to work it out or not. It's a sign of weakness and failure. Don't "hate"; I didn't write the rules, I just enforce them. My simple advice would be to go to counseling alone at first, and then you can work your husband into the mix. Also, a good Clergyman would know how to better handle the situation. Divorce, especially with a child in the mix, shouldn't be your first and only recourse. Good luck.

I'm just a harpie, so maybe you don't want to respond, but why do you assume the OP was pregnant or has a baby? There's absolutely no indication that the poster has children in the post, and this is on the nest, not the bump.

Also, I'm curious how you became an enforcer of the rules? Is there an application I could fill out? 

sdumas86

Sounds like he is a creep. I was in a relationship like that before I met my husband, and the sexting, flirting, and cheating behind my back NEVER stopped. He wuold give it a rest for a few weeks, and when all seemed well with us again, he would start up again.

Some people just don't change, and it's because they are programmed to be that way. In a way, it's not his fault, but it doesn't give him any excuse. He's still guilty, and obviously doesn't respect the relationship you two have if he's not willing to work on it after he begs for you to come back.  You're better than that, and there is someone out there who will truly respect and love you, without any extras outside of the relationship.

OosumSauce

Ed_M:

God forbid you women ever make a mistake in your lives that may cost you your marriage. Have you never made a mistake? Never did something you couldn't explain away? "By the same measure you are judged, you will be judged" Instead of all of you jumping on the *** train, why don't you harpies offer some constructive advice? I don't condone what he did, but not all men are strong enough to deal with the changes that come with parenthood. A woman becomes almost untouchable for the last trimester, and then for 6 weeks after birth. If the child is colic, or the mother has PPS, then there goes more time without intimacy. During and after pregnancy, it's all about the mother and baby. What happens to the father? He feels left out and neglected. Is it any wonder he found a "friend" who paid him some attention and made him feel good about himself? Again, I don't condone what he did, but I understand it. Most guys don't know how to express this without looking like a giant ass. Also, no guy wants to go to counseling, regardless of whether he wants to work it out or not. It's a sign of weakness and failure. Don't "hate"; I didn't write the rules, I just enforce them. My simple advice would be to go to counseling alone at first, and then you can work your husband into the mix. Also, a good Clergyman would know how to better handle the situation. Divorce, especially with a child in the mix, shouldn't be your first and only recourse. Good luck.

A mistake is burning dinner not sending out a bill on time. A life changing fuuck up is CHEATING. It is a thoughtless act of self indulgance. By cheating places you partner health in jeopardy becasue now you have broken your vows and could have gotten an STD and past it to them. If you are sexting with someone that is not you partner you are building up to the physical act. I'm not a bible thumper but I'm pretty sure GOD has something to say about adultery and I don't think it's something nice you idjit.

Ed did you ever thing that the reason your woman didn't want to be touched after the kid had nothing to do with the kid? Maybe she knew you were one of those men that don't deal will with the changes that come with parenthood and figured you had been sticking your peen into any vag that would open up for you? Just sayin

melissafication

I don't think that this is bad advice. People do change and can learn to grow up together. It seems like the people on this forum are so quick to head to the D word. I don't get it, don't they see that not even trying to work through it, and just throwing in the towel is just wrong on so many levels? Who are you, Britney?? If anything, she should be running trying even harer to get him to go to counseling. I know she said he didnt want to do this but if he really wants to make it right, he must give it a try. If, after all these attempts to salvage their life do not work, then separate. I don't understand how everyone is just sending her right to divorce court. I'm not some conservative nut or anything either, I'm a liberal woman who is pro-choice and pro-women's rights, but I also believe that marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and if you got yourelf into it then you should at least try to make it work. Good luck girl, I know this must be really tough for you.

ReturnOfKuus

Please describe the levels on which throwing in the towel is wrong.

lrachelle80

melissafication:

I don't think that this is bad advice. People do change and can learn to grow up together. It seems like the people on this forum are so quick to head to the D word. I don't get it, don't they see that not even trying to work through it, and just throwing in the towel is just wrong on so many levels? Who are you, Britney?? If anything, she should be running trying even harer to get him to go to counseling. I know she said he didnt want to do this but if he really wants to make it right, he must give it a try. If, after all these attempts to salvage their life do not work, then separate. I don't understand how everyone is just sending her right to divorce court. I'm not some conservative nut or anything either, I'm a liberal woman who is pro-choice and pro-women's rights, but I also believe that marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and if you got yourelf into it then you should at least try to make it work. Good luck girl, I know this must be really tough for you.

Gddamnit, you caught me. Yes, I'm Britney Spears and this is my AE. Man. I was really hoping to be able to stay a while. 

OosumSauce

Melissa counseling can not fix douche only the douche himself can fix himself. That will only happen if/when douche decides to change.

OosumSauce

lrachelle80:

melissafication:

I don't think that this is bad advice. People do change and can learn to grow up together. It seems like the people on this forum are so quick to head to the D word. I don't get it, don't they see that not even trying to work through it, and just throwing in the towel is just wrong on so many levels? Who are you, Britney?? If anything, she should be running trying even harer to get him to go to counseling. I know she said he didnt want to do this but if he really wants to make it right, he must give it a try. If, after all these attempts to salvage their life do not work, then separate. I don't understand how everyone is just sending her right to divorce court. I'm not some conservative nut or anything either, I'm a liberal woman who is pro-choice and pro-women's rights, but I also believe that marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and if you got yourelf into it then you should at least try to make it work. Good luck girl, I know this must be really tough for you.

Gddamnit, you caught me. Yes, I'm Britney Spears and this is my AE. Man. I was really hoping to be able to stay a while. 

If you are Britney can I be Pink? I think Pinks attitude fits be best.

RaiKai

I would love if Ed_M could explain how someone *mistakenly* cheats or sexts: "oops, how did my penis get in that vagina?!".

Perhaps he could also advise my husband he is *weak* for going to counseling in the past for other personal issues. Who cares that he served in war zones - clearly he is not a real man if he voluntarily explored his feelings with a counselor or talks about his feeling with me!

Clearly H and I do not know *the rules*. Also, who said the OP was pregnant?

lrachelle80

OosumSauce:

lrachelle80:

melissafication:

I don't think that this is bad advice. People do change and can learn to grow up together. It seems like the people on this forum are so quick to head to the D word. I don't get it, don't they see that not even trying to work through it, and just throwing in the towel is just wrong on so many levels? Who are you, Britney?? If anything, she should be running trying even harer to get him to go to counseling. I know she said he didnt want to do this but if he really wants to make it right, he must give it a try. If, after all these attempts to salvage their life do not work, then separate. I don't understand how everyone is just sending her right to divorce court. I'm not some conservative nut or anything either, I'm a liberal woman who is pro-choice and pro-women's rights, but I also believe that marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and if you got yourelf into it then you should at least try to make it work. Good luck girl, I know this must be really tough for you.

Gddamnit, you caught me. Yes, I'm Britney Spears and this is my AE. Man. I was really hoping to be able to stay a while. 

If you are Britney can I be Pink? I think Pinks attitude fits be best.

I'm not one to argue with those hip bones or abs, so by all means.

OosumSauce

lrachelle80:

OosumSauce:

lrachelle80:

melissafication:

I don't think that this is bad advice. People do change and can learn to grow up together. It seems like the people on this forum are so quick to head to the D word. I don't get it, don't they see that not even trying to work through it, and just throwing in the towel is just wrong on so many levels? Who are you, Britney?? If anything, she should be running trying even harer to get him to go to counseling. I know she said he didnt want to do this but if he really wants to make it right, he must give it a try. If, after all these attempts to salvage their life do not work, then separate. I don't understand how everyone is just sending her right to divorce court. I'm not some conservative nut or anything either, I'm a liberal woman who is pro-choice and pro-women's rights, but I also believe that marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and if you got yourelf into it then you should at least try to make it work. Good luck girl, I know this must be really tough for you.

Gddamnit, you caught me. Yes, I'm Britney Spears and this is my AE. Man. I was really hoping to be able to stay a while. 

If you are Britney can I be Pink? I think Pinks attitude fits be best.

I'm not one to argue with those hip bones or abs, so by all means.

 

msopran

melissafication:

I don't think that this is bad advice. People do change and can learn to grow up together. It seems like the people on this forum are so quick to head to the D word. I don't get it, don't they see that not even trying to work through it, and just throwing in the towel is just wrong on so many levels? Who are you, Britney?? If anything, she should be running trying even harer to get him to go to counseling. I know she said he didnt want to do this but if he really wants to make it right, he must give it a try. If, after all these attempts to salvage their life do not work, then separate. I don't understand how everyone is just sending her right to divorce court. I'm not some conservative nut or anything either, I'm a liberal woman who is pro-choice and pro-women's rights, but I also believe that marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and if you got yourelf into it then you should at least try to make it work. Good luck girl, I know this must be really tough for you.

The fact that marriage isn't something to be taken lightly is one reason why so many are recommending divorce: this dude is playing really fast and loose with his fresh-out-of-the-box marriage.  Maybe they shouldn't divorce immediately, but they absolutely should separate for a good long time, and should only reunite after he has proven his trustworthiness through having made a *huge* good faith effort.  The fact that he would not take responsibility and instead blamed his wife is a very bad sign.  This is what abusers do: they slowly brainwash their victims to believe that any marital problems are the victim's fault, and that leaving the marriage is not an option for the victim.  This guy may never physically or sexually abuse her, but he is emotionally abusing her.

Yes, people *can* change, but change of this nature is very, *very* difficult.  People need to be highly motivated to accomplish change of this magnitude, and even then it can take years.

renegade gaucho

Yes, people taking marriage too lightly is a problem.  Which is why it's absolutely mind-boggling that so many women here actually marry men who have proven time and time again that they are bad people who have no idea how to have a healthy relationship.  The divorce rate wouldn't be so high if people were more discriminating in choosing whom to marry in the first place.

And Ed, maybe your wife would be more interested in you if you weren't a loser who spends his time reading newsletters from the Bump. 

shannon181

Honestly, I feel that every marriage that can be saved, should be saved.  Too often, people get married and when things get rocky, throw it all away.  I agree that what he did was wrong, but YOU agree to stick with him for better or worst.  Yes, his actions do show the worst, but I must disagree that divorce is that answer as so many other people have said.  I understand your hurt and frustration, but I don't think this is something to "throw in the towel on."  As far as forgiving him, that is something that no one here can tell you how to do.  It is something that you must find in your own heart and one your own time to do.  It may take awhile to learn to trust him again and truly move on, but the first step is deciding that is what you want to do.  I can understand that you are crushed, but the final call has to be yours, not a group of women that don't know the details to your marriage.  I think you should think about why you married him in the first place.  Love is usually what gets people into a marriage.  But it's the committment that you made that should keep your marriage going.  You won't always feel in love, it comes and goes.  And what he did was wrong.  But you have to ask yourself if the reasons you married him in the first place are strong enough for you to want to work to get that feeling back.  You can weigh the pros and cons on each side, but in the end, you will decide with your heart.  Take some time for you and figure out what you want.  I hope this helps and I wish you all the best. 

Jocelyn0415

Ed_M:

God forbid you women ever make a mistake in your lives that may cost you your marriage. Have you never made a mistake? Never did something you couldn't explain away? "By the same measure you are judged, you will be judged" Instead of all of you jumping on the *** train, why don't you harpies offer some constructive advice? I don't condone what he did, but not all men are strong enough to deal with the changes that come with parenthood. A woman becomes almost untouchable for the last trimester, and then for 6 weeks after birth. If the child is colic, or the mother has PPS, then there goes more time without intimacy. During and after pregnancy, it's all about the mother and baby. What happens to the father? He feels left out and neglected. Is it any wonder he found a "friend" who paid him some attention and made him feel good about himself? Again, I don't condone what he did, but I understand it. Most guys don't know how to express this without looking like a giant ass. Also, no guy wants to go to counseling, regardless of whether he wants to work it out or not. It's a sign of weakness and failure. Don't "hate"; I didn't write the rules, I just enforce them. My simple advice would be to go to counseling alone at first, and then you can work your husband into the mix. Also, a good Clergyman would know how to better handle the situation. Divorce, especially with a child in the mix, shouldn't be your first and only recourse. Good luck.

You are a total fvcking moron. Congratulations!

shannon181

 

Jocelyn0415

shannon181:

Honestly, I feel that every marriage that can be saved, should be saved.  Too often, people get married and when things get rocky, throw it all away.  I agree that what he did was wrong, but YOU agree to stick with him for better or worst.  Yes, his actions do show the worst, but I must disagree that divorce is that answer as so many other people have said.  I understand your hurt and frustration, but I don't think this is something to "throw in the towel on."  As far as forgiving him, that is something that no one here can tell you how to do.  It is something that you must find in your own heart and one your own time to do.  It may take awhile to learn to trust him again and truly move on, but the first step is deciding that is what you want to do.  I can understand that you are crushed, but the final call has to be yours, not a group of women that don't know the details to your marriage.  I think you should think about why you married him in the first place.  Love is usually what gets people into a marriage.  But it's the committment that you made that should keep your marriage going.  You won't always feel in love, it comes and goes.  And what he did was wrong.  But you have to ask yourself if the reasons you married him in the first place are strong enough for you to want to work to get that feeling back.  You can weigh the pros and cons on each side, but in the end, you will decide with your heart.  Take some time for you and figure out what you want.  I hope this helps and I wish you all the best. 

Money troubles can make things rocky. Having a baby can make things rocky. Cheating? That's not rocky. That should be a dealbreaker.

I don't understand all of these people spewing the "remember your vows" shiit. What about his vows? Does he get to forget his while she's supposed to remember hers? Riddle me this!

smock.smock

Jocelyn0415:

I don't understand all of these people spewing the "remember your vows" shiit. What about his vows? Does he get to forget his while she's supposed to remember hers? Riddle me this! 

This is what I don't understand about the "save your marriage" people. Obviously he doesn't give a sh*t about his vows, since he cheated on her. And completely refuses to get counseling. So she's supposed to be a martyr and let him disrespect her and their marriage? 

shannon181

Jocelyn0415:

Money troubles can make things rocky. Having a baby can make things rocky. Cheating? That's not rocky. That should be a dealbreaker.

I don't understand all of these people spewing the "remember your vows" shiit. What about his vows? Does he get to forget his while she's supposed to remember hers? Riddle me this!

You are free to have you opinon.  Unfortunately, 50% of America agrees with you, which is why the country has such a high divorce rate.  I stated before that what he did was wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right.  I never said that he has the right to forget his vows, but the question was not about him.  I was directing my response to her.  If she wants to know how to forgive him and move on, then the first thing she should be doing IS remembering her vows.  Not everyone takes marriage lightly and if she believes in the vows that she took, that will help her to move on and forgive him, which, correct me if I'm wrong, was the issue at hand.  I hope this helps you solve that riddle you were talking about.

Jocelyn0415

smock.smock:

Jocelyn0415:

I don't understand all of these people spewing the "remember your vows" shiit. What about his vows? Does he get to forget his while she's supposed to remember hers? Riddle me this! 

This is what I don't understand about the "save your marriage" people. Obviously he doesn't give a sh*t about his vows, since he cheated on her. And completely refuses to get counseling. So she's supposed to be a martyr and let him disrespect her and their marriage? 

According to these geniuses...yes. ::sigh::

Jocelyn0415

shannon181:

Jocelyn0415:

Money troubles can make things rocky. Having a baby can make things rocky. Cheating? That's not rocky. That should be a dealbreaker.

I don't understand all of these people spewing the "remember your vows" shiit. What about his vows? Does he get to forget his while she's supposed to remember hers? Riddle me this!

You are free to have you opinon.  Unfortunately, 50% of America agrees with you, which is why the country has such a high divorce rate.  I stated before that what he did was wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right.  I never said that he has the right to forget his vows, but the question was not about him.  I was directing my response to her.  If she wants to know how to forgive him and move on, then the first thing she should be doing IS remembering her vows.  Not everyone takes marriage lightly and if she believes in the vows that she took, that will help her to move on and forgive him, which, correct me if I'm wrong, was the issue at hand.  I hope this helps you solve that riddle you were talking about.

So you're telling me leaving a man who cheats on you is wrong? Really??

smock.smock

shannon181:

Jocelyn0415:

Money troubles can make things rocky. Having a baby can make things rocky. Cheating? That's not rocky. That should be a dealbreaker.

I don't understand all of these people spewing the "remember your vows" shiit. What about his vows? Does he get to forget his while she's supposed to remember hers? Riddle me this!

You are free to have you opinon.  Unfortunately, 50% of America agrees with you, which is why the country has such a high divorce rate.  I stated before that what he did was wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right.  I never said that he has the right to forget his vows, but the question was not about him.  I was directing my response to her.  If she wants to know how to forgive him and move on, then the first thing she should be doing IS remembering her vows.  Not everyone takes marriage lightly and if she believes in the vows that she took, that will help her to move on and forgive him, which, correct me if I'm wrong, was the issue at hand.  I hope this helps you solve that riddle you were talking about.

The country has a high divorce rate because women won't stay with cheaters? Okaaaay.

Then please explain why the group that most often advocates the "marriage is forever; forgive and stay together" philosophy (evangelical Christians) have the HIGHEST divorce rate of any religious group in America?