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Dilators..anyone used them? HELP!
So basically to sum it up, we've been married since May, and haven't been able to have full-on sex :-( We waited until marriage to have sex.
Everytime my husband starts to go in, it hurts, whether it's shortly after, or a minute or two later.
I think part of the problem is foreplay (he's not a largely romantic guy). I went to my ob/gyn and she said I'm fine, but just suggested foreplay, wine, etc., and possibly dilators. (I did buy the book "She Comes First" to give us some ideas lol)
I bought dilators, because "stretching" is actually not a real solution, I was told. I just started them the other day. When I insert them, it's ok, but almost the same pain as sex (but I'm on the small dilators first so it'd not as bad).
Has anyone ever used them? How do you know if they're working? How long did it take until you had pain free sex? And do you do the "Keigels" (vaginal flexing) while they're in? I think you do, but the directions weren't 100% clear.
I can't wait until we can actually have sex! It's been an emotional 2 months, because I didn't know I would have this problem :-( Any advice is appreciated
Re: Dilators..anyone used them? HELP!
We waited until marriage for sex, too. I had a lot of pain, and it hurt for several months. I found a combination of things that fixed the problem. First, I went off birth control pills. It got my sex drive back up, and also I seemed to have more lubrication when off of them. I also cut my allergy medicine (Zyrtec) in half, and that also immediately helped with the wetness issue. I think I read about that here on the nest, but I am not sure. Either way, it helped.
Having him use condoms and LOTS of lube was the final part of the fix. Now we have pain free sex, and we don't have to use the condoms all the time anymore. Sometimes I don't even have to use lube. But that's usually only if we've been kissing a lot and lots of foreplay.
I understand how you are feeling though. I was so frustrated I would cry at times, because it sucked that sex hurt. Finally now it's wonderful! Oh, forgot one part. Having sex often also helped. Even though it would hurt, it helped loosen things up for me, and in the end made the pain less. Maybe 1 or 2 of these "fixes" would have solved it for me, but used all together I now have pain free, pleasurable sex with my husband!
I think my birth control might be effecting me, but I don't really know! lol
What about the allergy pills??? I just take a generic, but how does that work?
I've actually been avoiding sex because it always hurts, and that's all my body knows. Sex = pain :-(
We do use lube, and I'm not dry or anything, but it's when he gets into that opening (that tube-like area inside, not sure what it's called lol). He says it feels like a rubber band :-( I'm sure doing it more could loosen it, but I'm kind of afraid to because it always hurts.
We don't drink alcohol, but I've considered trying the wine idea so I can loosen up, and maybe not so focused on expecting pain! Have to retrain my brain!
He doesn't know what to really do to me to stimulate me, and as weird as it sounds, I don't know exactly what I like...my friend recommended that book, so I'm going to try that too.
I have used them. After getting married I had the same problem, only along with the pain I had tearing and bleeding, it lasted over 6 months before the Dr. recommended the dilators. I started using them, and got off birth control and allergy medicine (like the previous poster). All were recommended by my doctor. This all helped a lot and after a few months we were able to have sex without pain or tearing a nd it's now been over a year.It isn't a one time fix though, at least for me. If we go more than a week without having sex (ie: during AF) it will hurt the next 1-2 times (but won't tear). Overall I would say they were worth it and I still used them every now and then for good measure. The allergy medicine was also key - a few months back I was having allergy probs I took the meds for 2 weeks and had the same pain and tearing as I had before. Off the meds it went away. I think it has a lot to do with dehydration. Hope this helps, feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Edit: Wanted to add that I completely understand how frustrated you are. It is very frustrating and depressing for something you have waited so long for to end up so negatively. Sorry you are going through this.
What you said about your DH saying it felt like a rubber band is exactly what mine used to say. He could feel it as well.
What I read about the allergy medicine is that it dries up the mucus/moisture in your body. That's why it causes your nose to quit running. Unfortunately, it will also dry up your vaginal tissue, which will cause a lot of pain with sex. Too bad they can't make an allergy med that only targets the nasal area! lol
I think you and your husband would benefit from finding out what turns you on. Experiment with your body. I am lucky because my husband is very into foreplay. Ask him to do things, but not penetrate until you are really, really ready. Lots of kissing, mouth to breast/nipple stimulation, fingering, etc all help a lot (at least for me, but this is feeling like TMI!) The key is to get yourself really turned on, and then try penetration. Anyway, PM me if you have any questions. I feel like I'm putting too much info out there!
I'm having the same issue-along with many other issues. I've also been married since May and my DH is the only person I've been with-so sex is extremely painful and uncomfortable. I'm on birth control pills to prevent cysts from growing on my ovaries and on allergy medicine so if it's not one thing it's another. Foreplay and lube don't help at all-but I'm not sure if that just has to do with the pill and not being able to get aroused-thus causing pain since I'm never 'really, really ready' to have sex. Ugh, I'm frustrated beyond belief but I've never heard of dilators before. I hope it works out for you because I totally feel your pain!
Hi. Unfortunately it sounds like you have primary vaginismus. I'm really surprised that your doctor didn't suggest this to you. Anyway, you are right in saying that the dilators will do absolutely nothing for you on their own. Vaginismus is a mental block about sex which is causing the muscles of the vagina to involuntarily clamp when penetration is attempted. I would really encourage you to go to the vaginismus.com website. They have lots of information there about vaginismus and they also have a program that you can do it home, step by step to rid yourself of your problem. Women who have done the programme and stuck to it rigidly have overcome vaginismus in a very small amount of time (e.g. 4-8weeks) and can now painlessly have sex. Just as an aside, you are more likely to have vaginismus if you were brought up in a very religious household, if you suffered abuse or rape, if you have built up a fear of the possible pain that sex will cause etc. It is not uncommon for women who have waited to have sex until marriage to be diagnosed with vaginismus as there is normally an underlying religious reason and a shame about sex - whether the woman is aware of it or not. Their website has a private chat forum (which you cannot gain access to unless you purchase the program) that allows you to talk through each step of the program with other women working through the steps and you'll find a lot of women in a situation similar to yours. If you decide to do the program you'll be able to work through your issues at your own pace. Hoping I'm not sounding like some kind of commerical but it really changed my life so I hope it can do the same for you! Best of luck!
http://www.vaginismus.com/
Your problem is one of the reasons why I don't advocate virgin marriages.
That said, your H has to get it that foreplay is necessary. Make sure you use lots of it...and slow down.
Her vaginismus would have been an issue whether or not she was married.
This may sound weird, but have you considered just continuing through the pain? I'm not sure how much pain we're talking about, but that's what DH and I had to do. We were both virgins until we were married, though we did do some fooling around so it's not like our bodies were completely foreign to each other, but [and I know some people here hate reading this phrase, and I apologize but I'm going to say it anyway] he is very well endowed and I have been told by doctors that I am smaller than average, so sex was very intimidating to think about.
So the first time, yes, it hurt. After almost two months, no matter how turned on I get, it usually still stings a bit at first. The key is to go slowly, and use slow, steady movements. This goes into the TMI zone, but you can try having him go in until it hurts, and then instead of stopping or freezing, he should start moving and thrusting and such, just only going in that far. That will help with turning you on more, which will help relax your muscles, which should give him the chance to slowly continue going farther in. I know this sounds a little weird, and it's hard to explain, and it may not work for you, but while it took DH and I some time for him to be able to even get all the way in, this helped us work up to that point, and be able to get through the pain pretty quickly.
Yes dilators help, and I would recommend getting the set from vaginismus.com like some else did since you also get the book that helps you through your mental association of pain with sex. I found for me it finally came down to just going through with it - yes it hurt, but it wasn't excruciating like I kept expecting, and it got less painful each time. I think it was about two weeks of pain and some bleeding. TONS of lube is essential, even if you feel wet enough (I often feel naturally wet but any attempt at penetration without a lot of lube on myself and my husband is still impossibly painful).
I think you will be able to achieve pain free sex but what about an orgasm? Not if he does not do foreplay. For now, you guys should be focusing on everything except actual intercourse. Has he ever brought you to orgasm?
Your friend is right to suggest getting some books. And don't worry, this happens more often then not. Personally, I don't have a single friend who was able to become happily sexually active without A LOT of practice and education
Ok, trying to answer a bunch of comments at once, hope I remember! LOL
Yes, we have done oral sex, and no, it does not hurt! So we have reached orgasms, just not through intercourse.
I actually got the dilators from that website (vaginismus.com).
When I use the dilator I'm on, I can feel a little bit of the pain that comes when we have intercourse, only not as bad, because the dilator is smaller than my husband. (I'm only on the 2nd one out of 4 lol).
The doctor said to keep using lube, foreplay, maybe even wine. Unfortunately my body automatically prepares for the pain and tightens, even though I am trying to feel the moment, arousal, etc.. I think arousal is his biggest problem. He can be excited in 5 seconds, like most men lol Me, not so much, which I know is part of being a female. This is why we bought the book to learn things.
Sometimes I do want to keep going through it, but I start crying because it's like a big kick in the face, as weird as that sounds. I start to feel badly about myself :-(
We are religious, but they were not extremely strict. We just grew up with the belief that sex was for marriage...and even though we believed this, it was VERY hard to not do it sometimes.
I am 4' 10" and my husband is almost 6'. I'm petite, but curvy. My mom said that she has times when she is tight, so I more than likely take after her!
I'm actually glad I waited for marriage, because if we were having sex while unmarried (we started dating in high school) I don't know how I would have been with this problem..it may have caused me to be more upset, etc.
My husband isn't too fond of the wine idea, but I kinda wanna just try it a little bit so I can kinda relax, hopefully helping my mind calm down and not go crazy thinking about pain.
Random thought- On the website, it mentions pelvic surgery can cause vaginismus. I had my appendix taken out in 4th grade, and they did indeed cut me open. I'm wondering if this could have effected everything.
From what I understood from my doctor was that my initial pain was not vaginismus but that if i did not treat it and started expecting sex to be painful and feared that pain then mentally i would start to tense and that would make it worse over time and i may develop vaginismus. however, I also know that some people have vaginismus from the beginning, so it could be either, i'm just giving you my story. I personally don't recommend to go on despite the pain, if you get to the point where you are tearing like I was then you are making it worse. Scar tissue will develop and perpetuate the problem bc scar tissue doesn't stretch.
And for the anti- virgin marriage poster - FWIW I was not a virgin when I got married and this problem exists whether you are married or not, so I'm not sure what marriage has to do with it. This is long term, not first time sex "losing my virginity" pain.
I'm on my phone so please excuse the lack of proper editing!
I am in the same situation. We got married in early June and we still haven't been able to have full-on sex. I talked to my Ob-gyn on the phone (I moved after getting married and have made an appointment with a new one) and she suggested using lots of lube and also trying different positions. It really hasn't helped much. The biggest thing I know I need to focus on is relaxing. I also have associated sex with pain now and am trying to undo it. One thing I've found that seems to have helped is the foreplay. I am also trying to help my husband understand that while it isn't necessary for him, I still need it. It seems to lessen the pain, or delay the pain but still hasn't resolved it. I plan on bringing it up to my new ob-gyn when I meet with her in a couple weeks.
My husband wanted me to push through the pain at first and I definately tried. I really want to have sex, but the pain is just too much for me right now. He has been very understanding but it is very hard. I have been frustrated to the point of tears. I want this closeness but it will apparently take some work. And everyone suggests the same things, but I guess you still have to learn what works for you and what doesn't
I get a little pain when using the dilators, which I think is the whole point of dilators, get your body used to something being up there so the muscles don't automatically contract!! (and the final dilator looks HUGE to me, but honestly, it's about the same width as my husband lol)
But yeah, the mental thing is really tough for me right now. I'm trying to get my husband to work and try to understand how to get me stimulated (I need to figure this out myself). What's difficult is he doesn't get out of work till 1AM (Walmart overnight) and he just wants to crash when he gets home..he sometimes has his summer course during the day too, so it's literally school, home for a bit, work all night. So sex, unfortunately, turns into a big project because we have to kinda plan a time, but we're still both exhausted.
I'm having my husband read "she comes first" when he finishes school, so we're both more educated/informed, etc. I'm also trying to get him to shave his goatee...I get annoyed if he's doing something on my chest for example and I'm constantly getting stabbed! lol
I've been using dilators for almost a year now. I wasn't able to insert tampons, have gyno exams or have sex with my XBF for almost 2 years before having surgery and even then it was extremely painful, so I know how tough this can be, emotionally and physically.
Dilators have been a LIFESAVER - I can insert tampons and had my first full exam in January. I haven't read the other responses but here's my $.02:
First of all, are you using lube? Definitely get some simple water based lube like KY because you're not going to have much natural lubrication if you're just inserting a dilator.
Also, if there is anything that you can do to make yourself as relaxed as possible, do that. A really perfect time to work with the dilators is when you take a shower, because the water will relax your muscles and there's some background noise if you're anxious about possible pain (of course, just make sure the dilator doesn't get wet or the lube will wash off!).
I know you must be really anxious to start having a fulfilling sex life with your husband but try your best to be really patient and gentle with yourself. Use the dilators once a day at least but don't try to go faster than your body is comfortable with or you're just going to create more anxiety.
Best of luck and let me know if you have anymore questions!
Also, I disagree with this. I think that the dilators not only physically open you up, but they also make you most comfortable with your body, more aware of the physical reactions your body has to sexual activity and less anxious about possible pain. There are definitely mental, emotional AND physical reasons for pain from sex but I think that the dilators are a stepping stone to working on all three of them.
The doctor didn't actually say I had vaginismus. She just kept pushing lube, foreplay, and stretching. But stretching isn't what I think I need...sure it worked externally, but idk about the inside. I have been doing the dilators every day, and once was when I came out of the shower. The pain actually isn't that bad..it has been better.
I think I just need to learn more about my body and everything, like some of you have said.
Kts, the dilators will only do so much. If anyone can get to pain free sex using the dilators alone and doing no work on the mental issues involved here I will be completely shocked. I agree with you - they are a stepping stone but they are not good enough on their own and they are only appropriate after you have dealt with your emotional issues.
Yes, I agree. I am working on the emotional issues.
This whole thing has been so overwhelming because I got married, had pain during intercourse on the honeymoon (which I expected to a certain point), but I didn't understand why it was still happening, I moved to a completely different town, have no job, and no friends in the area ..yeah, the emotional strain has been bad enough lol
I'm working on it, and have taken everyone's advice in certain ways and have been thinking about them, and know how I can try to make things better...patience is something I apparently had a small issue with before, but that's when I didn't realize how much work goes into sex lol
I have secondary vaginismus and am currently using dilators along with seeing a specialist and doing PT once a week. I went years (about 4 actually) until I was diagnosed after being told I needed more "lube, foreplay, and to relax."
The dilators are doing really good things for me. I don't think they would work on their own, but I think they're essential (for me).
Honestly though, if there's a lot of pain, I would not "try to work through it." I did that, and I think it made it 100% worse.
I do agree with you that the dilators alone will also do so much, I was just saying they can address some of the mental issues because they have for me (i.e. my emotional and physical response to having anything in or around that area). But of course, you're right, there are a lot of issues that need to be worked through in addition that come from having pain problems.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I've been in counseling for other issues besides these problems (but of course this is a huge issue that has been brought up often) and it probably has been just as important as working with the dilators everyday. So has talking with one of my best friends who also has chronic pain issues. I think I'm such a verbal person that I didn't even immediately think of that being such a big part of recovery.
I've never used the whole kit from vaginismus.com but I think that using that OR some sort of counseling for you or even going to a sex therapist in addition to the dilators could be really helpful.
Abdomen (where the appendix is) is not the pelvis, so this seems very unlikely, especially since it sounds like your issue is with pelvic floor muscles (really far from the appendix) not relaxing enough.
Why doesn't your husband like the idea of wine? I think wine would be a great idea, especially since it sounds like one of your difficulties with relaxing is memory of pain (and fear of future pain). Plus, wine can be part of the foreplay process.