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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Relationship highs and lows...
Bluekid and I are currently discussing this through email. We mentioned that in prior unworthy relationships, the relationship consistent of extreme highs and lows..I noted that something that made me realize that DH was the "one" is that there were no extreme highs and lows - everything with us is pretty even - but definitely higher than the middle between high/low.
What about your marriage? Did you have a prior toxic love affair that had extreme highs and lows? How does it compare to your marriage?
Re: Relationship highs and lows...
I have been in a relationship with DH since our senior year of high school--13 years this October! We did separate for a short time (few months) during college, but it was mutual and ended "nice"--no bad thoughts/bad blood between us.
We have had some low-low situations, but definitely doesn't last too long. We usually figure it out, apologize, learn from it, and move on. Luckily, neither of us are disrespectful or yell/scream at one another, and we communicate like adults should. (SIL and BIL were terrible--explains why they are divorcing). DH does travel for work quite often, and many years before we married he would be on projects for months at a time. I think many issues have contributed from that. Now, especially since DS was born, his traveling is definitely much less and for shorter time spans.
I had a very toxic relationship when I was in HS. There were way too many highs and lows to count. After I finally got out of that I knew that I wanted something different. I met DH about a year after that and our realtionship has been totally opposite of prior relationships I have had. I knew he was the "one" because we could a healthy relationship without all the unecassary petty drama. We both are very open with eachother and put things out there to talk about.
For lack of a better term, our relationship is really...boring. I mean that in a really good way! We don't have dramatic wine and roses filled highs, but there are also no "I hate you!" storming out sobbing lows. We're just really even keeled as a couple.
I've never really had a dramatic relationship, though.
My marriage definitely included the highs and lows, but I suppose when you are married to someone who has Bipolar Disorder, that comes with the territory.
When he finally moved out (like a month after he knew I had filed for divorce - awkward), he asked me what I hoped to gain. I told him peace. I wanted no more drama, yelling, crying, etc. and so far, that's worked out pretty well for me.
Dh and I are pretty mellow, we are relatively non-confrontational people.
Since he is my first "real" boyfriend I had no prior high/low relationships. I was so focused on my education/career so he knew going in that I wanted something low maintenance (does that sound bad?) with little drama. We both love our down time so we don't entertain a load of things... in the end we are just normal/drama free people.
I never had any toxic relationships. I didn't date a whole lot of guys so I never had the opportunity to date any bad ones.
Most of the highs and lows around here are just me. I'm kind of an emotional roller coaster, a trait that I'm not exactly proud of and try to contain as best I can. H is very, very even-keeled. Almost maddeningly so. So, I go crazy and he just stays ____________________. Almost all the time.
We go through our periods where we tend to just not spend a lot of time together, and that probably seems weird to other people, but that's about it.
I always kind of wonder what on earth people are fighting about all the time.
I have to ask....I don't recall any of this going on while you all were engaged...what do you think happened with him?
I didn't have any prior toxic relationships, but I did not date a lot of people.
H and I have had a pretty even relationship. We've been together for five years. We hit a rough patch in the beginning, but only because I was unsure what I was truly feeling. I was in high school and had never had a serious relationship. Since then, our relationship has been great. We have our disagreements, but it has never been anything huge that we couldn't overcome. Usually our disagreements are over really stupid things or because I'm stressed out.
I had a few VERY toxic relationships - one was with a pilot. The relationship was almost like gambling...lose, lose, lose, lose then WIN!! But it would be a big WIN - just enough to keep me stringing along. Not good for the ole self esteem.
When DH and I started dating and we didn't have huge highs and lows I was very confused - most of my prior relationships were like that and I totally missed the high - I really think I thought ALL relationships were like that (my parent's marriage is for sure). Eventually I figured out an "even" relationship is so much better. Even when we have baby mama drama, we are still pretty "even." Its nice and non-exciting.
Well, we were actually engaged and living in Seattle when I learned of his bipolar diagnosis. He had actually been diagnosed previously during a period when we weren't dating, but he hadn't told me. Looking back, that should have been a pretty big red flag, but hey, hindsight and all.
Things were pretty even keel for the most part then, but with most mental disorders, major life events / stresses can trigger episodes and I think that definitely happened with us. In a year's time we got married, moved back to Oklahoma, and then had a baby. That's a lot of life stresses and I think things majorly changed in that time period.
He's now making a serious effort through counseling, meds, and a gambler's anonymous group to get things under control for himself. I'm glad for him, but don't trust that it would truely last.
I had forgotten that you lived in Seattle and then moved back to OK. For your child's sake, I hope he gets the help that he needs. Good for you for staying strong and getting yourself out of that craptastic situation.
Our relationship is pretty "boring" too. We lead a bible study at our house geared toward newly married couples and every week we discuss ways to improve our relationship. I read over his material for the coming week and it was from the book "Marriage on the Rock" which I am currently reading. It was talking about the 4 Needs of women, one of which being affection. I saw a bunch of stuff he had circled "Don't make her fish for compliments" "Praise her daily, and often" "Tell her 'I love you because...' and give a reason" and "Give her flowers, poems, special presents, cards, etc."
It all kind of made me laugh because he doesn't do that stuff, ever. Here's hoping... haha
I've been in SEVERAL toxic relationships, dating every extreme out there... Drug addicts; emotional, mental, physical, sexual abusers; jealous men; alcoholics; etc. IT IS SO NICE TO BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO HAS HIS SH!T TOGETHER. Can't even begin to tell you. He tries, he WANTS to make me happy, he WANTS to be the best version of himself, and we are constantly learning- that's all I could ever ask for.
H was my first real boyfriend...and at the beginning, it was pretty sporadic. We went back and forth A LOT - one day, we'd be fine, and the next, we'd be arguing. I think it took a good 2-3 years for us to settle into the normal pattern we're in now because we had never been in this serious of a relationship before, and we were trying to figure things out.
The first year of our marriage was pretty rocky for awhile, but we didn't have extreme highs and extreme lows...we'd just have a lot of lows and a lot of highs mixed into a short period of time, sending things into a little bit of a tailspin. I attribute a lot of our issues to H not knowing what he wanted to do...I mean, when we were dating, I was in college and graduated. He was in college, but it didn't last, and he didn't know what he wanted out of life. Now that he's in the Air Force, things have balanced out SO much. We're both happy with our individual lives now, which makes our married life amazing.
Hi ladies! Just wanted to pop my head in:
I had a pretty bad relationship in HS with a guy who didn't understand a relationship is supposed to be with one person and I wasn't mature enough to tell him what I wanted/needed. We would break up every other month, it seemed until after I graduated HS, when we broke up for several years.
We actually tried to get back together a few years ago but it was more of the same thing, and we broke up when I met DH. The ex got a girl pregnant shortly after that and now she married someone else while he's God knows where in the Marines. So clearly, he still hasn't changed much.
I carried a lot of my insecurities over to this relationship and we did bump heads a few times as we tried to figure things out but now, we get along so well it surprises me sometimes. We have our disagreements and we had a rough patch 2 years ago, but getting through that has definitely brought us closer. I think that was how I knew he was "the one" because we stuck together through it all and I knew if we could make it through that, we could make it through anything, which is important with a baby on the way!