Sex & Romance
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How do I convince my wife to try "pegging"?
One Anniversary I bought us a couples pack in hopes we could spice up our sex life. This package came with various toys including a butt plug. We tired all the toys and I let her use the plug on me. She seemed nervous about it but ok with it. One other night I suggested we try it again and she seemed to refrain telling me to do it to myself and she wasn't going to help with my "gay tendencies" but didn't care if I did it to myself while we were fooling around. I am not gay, but the thought of my wife and I do these things together is now getting me very aroused, but she seems reluctant and worries I am gay. What do I do to make her comfortable with the idea and convince her to spice it up?
Re: How do I convince my wife to try "pegging"?
Firstly, although she seems firm in this opinion, don't let her convince you that wanting to receive anal stimulation makes you gay. It doesn't. The part that would make you gay is if you wanted to explore these activities with men.
You can try to figure out where her hangup is. What has convinced her so fervently that anal = gay? Religion? Society? Conservativism? Maybe if you can get to the root of that and have a conversation about it, she will be less defensive.
Maybe she just needs to be reassured that you love her and want to have sex with her, and that you aren't replacing her importance with that of these objects. I would do baby steps--try to get her more comfortable with the butt plug, for instance, before you ask her to don a strap-on. It may take quite some time to work up to that.
It wouldn't really be something that would turn me on either to be honest. I definitely don't think it makes you gay but I think I'd have trouble keeping my mind in the game while putting a butt plug into my husband, that's just not sexy to me and I don't think it's an opinion that I would likely just be able to change...Just like there are probably thing I'd maybe want to try that my H wouldn't be into. Why not try to explore something else first?I wouldn't force her to do this if she really feels uncomfortable about it though.
Is she fairly conservative? Do you/have you tried many other things? Are there other reasons she things this way?
I thought it may be something she would get into. I bought a fleshlight which she likes to use, however its taking over! its all she wants to do as an excuse to intercourse. I'm trying to spice up our sex life and get things on track again, hence the couples kit we bought. I figured something new might help change things up, and what we did try with the kit really got me going, but not so much my wife. I'm trying to unlock her wilder side but she is becoming a recluse in the bedroom and our sex life is quickly diminishing. I don't think shes against the idea, but she thinks its a gay tendency. On the whole it was an amazing orgasm hence why i want to try again.
I agree with PPs that you liking the buttplug is not a positive indication that you're gay.
However, your wife just isn't comfortable with it yet, so I'd probably just table it. Instead, since it seems like the dwindling sex life is most likely because your wife is becoming disinterested, I'd say that you should focus on stuff that would spice things up for her, not you (at least for the time being).
Good luck.
Do you think maybe it's become more of a taboo subject (sex) partly BECAUSE all you seem to want to do is use toys/games/fantasies. Sometimes this can make a girl feel LESS sexy if she feels it's taking over (even if some of the toys she can sometimes be really into). It 'can' make her feel more like an object if it seems to be all the time, especially if you're main focus is on toys that she doesn't 'love' like the butt plug which seems to be a major thing to you (and maybe rightly so if it gives you a lot of pleasure) but the thing is, it doesn't give her pleasure it makes her uncomfortable.
When was the last time you had a romantic night (something nonesexual that just helped you bond as a couple) and when was the last time you tried to have 'romantic sex' (no toys/no games/no hard core fantasies or roughness)? If I don't feel connected to my husband in a romantic way I'm going to have a harder time letting loose other times, harder to try new things and be more open.
If you want to make your wife hot and heavy for you....
wash the dishes, find out what really turns her on, and make sure she understands that whatever she wants and doesn't want is okay with you. Otherwise you're just going to make her feel like she's not good enough in bed, and she won't even try anymore.
Some of the replies to this post make me sad. (for example - I don't think you should abandon this subject just because your wife is uncomfortable with it at this time. She may have a different perspective once she has a better understanding that there are a ton of nerves involved, enhancing your orgasm) I think the communication comments are fantastic - it sounds like your wife may have been raised to believe that sex is taboo, and is having a hard time breaking free of this mindset. It also sounds like she's not being very receptive to talking when it's just the two of you. I agree with the previous poster that a sex therapist may be of help here. (or even a good couples therapist)
Click it if you can't say it!
i agree
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Agreed. It's wrong to assume that all people will eventually like all things with enough "convincing". I don't like skiing and never will no matter how many times someone says, "oh you should just go here, you'll love." Sorry no. I don't like it. Your wife simply doesn't like the act that you want her to perform. You've already tried approaching the issue on multiple occassions and received the same response. Get the message and back off.
I'd suggest sitting down and having a chat about it. Preferably after you've done a good chunk of housework, which might loosen her up. I get the feeling that the reason she might be so hesitant to participate is a) it does nothing for her, and b) she's got some hangups about it.Apologize (sincerely) for making her feel pressured, and let her know you're not trying to convince her, you just want to hear her out. Once you find out what the deal is, though, accept it and let it go. If you keep asking, she may start viewing EVERY request--even something as simple as "kiss me before you leave in the morning" with suspicion. Think about it--how would you feel if she kept asking for a threesome with another guy? That's pretty much how she feels right now.It sounds like that's what's happening here.You may have violated her trust without even realizing it. Nevertheless, good luck to you--once she no longer feels pressured, she'll be much more comfortable with showing you her wild side.
Nebage, to tell you the truth, I'm pretty sure your wife knows YOU find it pleasurable. It sounds like her own dislikes and fears are making her feel like you're pressuring her to do it (even if you're just telling her how you feel about it and nothing more), and she's trying to make you feel guilty about it by saying you might be gay. I totally understand how you feel about wanting to jazz up your sex life--I have the same problem in my own marriage, because my husband is always tired after work. You may have to treat her like a feral cat, and start REALLLLLLY slow to regain her trust. And I absolutely agree--counseling would be the best way to figure out how to do it effectively. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope you get your wild woman back.
Nebage, I hope you realize how complicated it is to be a woman, and that there isn't necessarily anything wrong with what you're doing because your wife's sex drive isn't there these days. I wish it were as simple as a hot image to make everything tick for us. We have so many stupid emotions that get in the way of these things.
It may just take time, or a listening ear to get down to the things that bother her. For me, if I had a bad day it's on my mind when I go to bed, and it clouds anything else from happening.
Hope this helps, keep trying.
It sounds like "pegging" is turning into an obsession for the OP (nebage). And, if your wife associates pegging with gay activities, then, to me that attitude, is driven, by a core value to her. Trying to change "core values" in a person, is akin to trying to get a Democrate to change sides and become a Republican. Or, in sexual terms, trying to get your wife (if she's hetro) to turn bi - see how far that gets you!
Don't wish to place a downer on this but on the same token, wont sugar coat it either. Situations like this, hardly ever turn out well. Once one partner gets an idea into their head and that want, needs fullfilling, then either it gets met at home or eventually it gets met elsewhere. It's the catalyst of not discussing "sex" before marriage et al, which ends up where nebage is now.
Maybe she sees sex as something loving, tender, emotional and nice, performed between lovers,...and pushing a rubber bung up your rectum sort of clashes with that cherished set of hopes......
Maybe she thinks, not unreasonably, that people have a set of sex organs for making love and a rectum and bowels for defecation down the toilet......
Maybe she used to see you as her handsome lover who looked deeply into her eyes before tenderly arousing her senses and now she sees an overweight unthinking selfish pervert with an unromantic closed mind who thinks he can restart failed passion with a bag full of crude toys.
.....just saying.
Who was it who said;....."a man needs for enjoy sex to feel love but a woman needs to feel love to enjoy sex"......??
And any spouse that thinks less of their partner and equal because he/she will not do as the spouse requests is questionable, imo.
Maybe she used to see you as her handsome lover who looked deeply into her eyes before tenderly arousing her senses and now she sees an overweight unthinking selfish pervert with an unromantic closed mind who thinks he can restart failed passion with a bag full of crude toys.
We all "lose our charms in the end" as the song used to go...but indeed:
What about you, guy?
How is your appearance? Maybe you're not calendar art and you don't have a body to kill for but do you keep yourself in relatively good shape? Is your hygiene good?
Are you kind and considerate? Do you pay her compliments? How do you treat her out of the bedroom?
Have you had a talk with her???
Communication is key; I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Why don't you ask her what you and she can do together to spice things up?
I suggest things she'll like, like a bubble bath with candlelight and music -- this is a bubble bath for 2, natch. Does she like frilly nighties? What does she like? Surely you must know where her erogenous zones are by now...and if you don't, wow -- where have you "been" all this time?
Talk to her..
And do it without delay.
God, I am so happy my husband and I are open minded about sex. Some of these responses make me sad. Wanting to be sexually satisfied is not a crime and neither is anal stimulation.
OP, from personal experience, maybe try something different that is pleasurable to her to get her to open up? Not necessarily the plug but something a little taboo that she can find pleasure from to open her eyes a bit?
I couldn't agree more. LOL! :P
This is about sexual incompatability. All couples where there are divergent sexual urges/needs are likely to have severe difficulties.
Strangely, in circumstances like this the diciding factor is actually 'love'.........If a person with an extreme sexual need or perversion (because that's what you are describing) really does 'love' the other 'normal' partner then they will do everything they can to fullfill that persons 'normal' desires and needs, even while they feel their own acute urge.
Most people have particular sexual needs and likes.....it's quite normal. The value and joy of an intimate relationship is the opportunity to share and enjoy ones 'needs and likes' in a safe loving situation. Unfortunately, this is NOT what is being discussed here. This is about an extreme urge,..a 'preversion' of sexuality in many peoples minds, that has come to dominate the entire intmate relationship.......The 'normal' needs of the loving partner have bcome of no concern or import.
The only scenario which I know to offer some help is for both partners to sit down and talk out how they will meet the others needs. This needs to be quite hard headed and realistic. I do know that it's possible to help the situation a lot by accepting that both parties are different and that both will strive together to provide what the other needs. In this way both learn to respect and value eachothers 'love'........
It might offer some hope if you could offer to get into his needs during some sex sessions that are all about him, in return for some sessions where he makes love to you in the ways that you need and value....in this way both partners do, sometimes, grow together,...which is all you can hope for. This needs to be entirely equitable,..does NOT work if one partner reacts selfishly or gets more attention than the other. You may need to be quite cut and dried about who has what when!......Tuesday night pegging and bum sex!.......Thursday night candles and kisses...... Good luck!