Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
A husband's fustrrations
Please forgive the length of this rant but I need help. Last night we were cuddling in bed and a question to her about sex led to a 10 minute diatribe how I ignore her, am not loving, am to critical etc, etc, etc. Well, I ended up ignoring her, no more conversation, and falling asleep. Unfortunately, this is a regular event. Sex is boring. She only wants to lie on her back and insists (quite forcibly too) that I manually stimulate her before each orgasm. She becomes irritated and hostile when I try to encourage her to try a different position and considers this a criticism of her when it comes to sex. I can count using both hands and maybe a few toes, the number of times when, during the almost 10 years of marriage, when she has not whined or uttered a compliant before, during and sometimes, after sex.
Our sex drives are totally out of sync with each other. She wants less sex (sometimes I wonder if she would prefer not having it except for once a month, if that). Frequency ranges from every 7 to 10 days. I have to ?help myself? in her absence. So, I find that I?ve watched more websites for gratification after marriage than anytime before.
When she is nice (usually about during the 2nd and 3rd week in her cycle) she is really nice. Otherwise she can be a challenge. I?ve watched my personality change from laughing a lot to being totally unemotional because she would react to my every expression. So now, she becomes upset because I don?t react.
Folks, it hard and very frustrating. I love my DW and our 3 small kids dearly and leaving her is not an option. Oh, we tried counseling early into the marriage, but after 3 sessions, she disliked the counselor and never went back.
I guess, the best part of all this writing is that the process of expressing the feelings, as difficult as they are, is therapeutic. Any feedback?
Re: A husband's fustrrations
If she won't go to counseling, you still can and I suggest it.
Sounds like you're losing a piece of yourself and walking on egg shells. There are ways to handle this situation without those two harmful things. Good Luck!
I don't even know where to start.
So after she complained that you ignore her you rolled over and ignored her? Is this a typical response from you? Or accusation from her? Failing to communicate like that only builds tension and resentment. Do you ever have reasonable discussions about your issues?
She sounds difficult, does she need to see a psychiatrist, possibly be medicated for her mood swings?
Maybe the only way she can orgasm is for you to do that. She probably wants to make sure she at least gets off since it sounds like she's not that interested in the first place.
You should really see about trying counseling again.
Forgive me for being so corny with my suggestion...
Have the two of you read "The 5 Love Languages"? The only reason I suggest it to you, is because of the "conversation" you had which ended up with you ignoring her, after she whined about being ignored. I mean, can you see the irony there or what? :P
Anyhow, it sounds like she's not really feeling all that in to you since she's not getting that you're in to her - because it sounds like she needs some other kind of attention from you that she's not getting. And same for you, you want the physical attention, and she's not giving it up.
I can't tell you what's up with her mood swings exactly - but I can say that there is a marked change in my mood due to what week of my cycle it is, so that's NOT uncommon. However, she's an adult, and should at least make an effort to control herself and not be so snappy with you during that time. Maybe she needs a counselor, maybe she needs to just quit being a brat.
In any case, communication would be helpful here. Shutting down and ignoring her is going to get you nowhere; least of all, laid.
First off, let me start by saying I'm sorry you are going through this. You are obviously really frustrated and upset.Which is understandable...
Have the two of you ever sat down and had a calm/non-pressuring conversation about what you can do to get her more interested in sex? Every woman (and man for that matter) has turn-ons and turn-offs. If you can get a better idea of what those are for her then maybe you can make some changes. For example, would she be interested in watching porn with you?
Does your DW share the same frustrations about your sex life? Or is she content? The only way to fix this is through communication and effort on both parts.
Would she try counseling again if you were to see a different counselor?
I do agree that ignoring her after she accused you of always ignoring her wasn't necessarily... smart, for lack of a better word?
What are the kinds of phrases you actually say to her in bed when you're trying to convince her to try this thing or that? Your wording or tone may be coming off wrong.
It sounds like she spent years feeling unfulfilled sexually and picked up somewhere (an article, a friend, a forum on the internet) that she needs to demand foreplay to ensure her own satisfaction and has taken that advice to the extreme, so she's become defensive about any suggestion to the contrary.
I would do counseling--see if she'll entertain the thought of another counselor; if not, go yourself. Maybe you could find a counselor you think she'll like via individual counseling and coax her to go afterward. That way, if you go through a couple of them finding a good one, her patience with the whole process won't expire.
I've tried to talk, but she is never interested. When I suggest a time, no time is good. It's always "let's talk about this later". It?s truly vexing because literally every issue I?ve raised gets swept under the rug and ignored. So, the rug in our relationship looks rather lumpy. I?ve developed the ?ignoring her? response because, once she gets started, she would not stop. She does not want me to be cirital of her, but she will not hesisitate to lash out when she wants to have her issues and concerns addressed. Issues from years ago gets brought up. In fact, try not to share too much information because I never know when it will be used against me.
She also has a very short temper. She constantly gripes at the kids and at me. It takes very little to set her off. One of her continuing issue with me is that she feels she can?t touch me. When I walk in the door she wants to rub and caress (which as you all know is really irritating after a long days work). Then, it?s the kids demanding my and her time and attention. So when things finally quite down, and we?re in bed, I actually feel relaxed. She is fuming because she feels that I?ve ignored her needs. Look, I know women are complex and complicated, but give me a break, we men have feelings too.
I also now see my concerns have less about sex and more about relationship. I have to look into the counseling for myself. I thought about that a few years ago but never pursued the matter. Thanks for letting me (a male) express my frustrations and for actually taking the time to wade through the minutia to provide constructive feedback.Um, no. That's the first thing my SO and I do when we get home. Yes you probably had a busy day at work, but she was home running around after 3 kids all day. Maybe SHE needs a damn hug.
I agree with the PP, you're starting to sound like a selfish azz.
Maybe you're both stressed and treating each other like crap. Either way it's not working for either of you. You should try counseling. Take some time for the two of you without the kids to give yourselves a break.
You don't sound like a good fit for each other at all. You want to brush her off all evening until you feel like getting your rocks off, and she wants affection and attention. She can't be talked to like a rational human being because she flies off the handle at the tiniest thing, and turns everything you confide in her about as a weapon against you. You don't want to respond to her when she does open up because then she won't shut up. Sounds like the only thing you're working together on is erecting emotional walls between you.
If it were me, I'd find someone I can actually connect with. I know you don't think splitting up is an option, maybe because of the kids, maybe because of the time invested, maybe because of how intertwined your lives are. But I think all of that stuff is secondary to you both having happy, functional, fulfilling home lives. Immediate pain will result in eventual contentment.
OK. As I realized earlier this is not a post about sex or romance. It?s about two married porcupines who want to enjoy life together.
So DW (and DH too) can be a difficult to be around, but that does not mean that I toss her out the moment things go sour. I will agree that both of us may have constructed elaborate emotional barriers to protect from actual or perceived threats. Maybe I?ve grown up under old school rules, but spouses try to make marriages work. This takes both parties to see beyond there faults to understand core issues. I'm hoping to get to this point.
Several of the PP?s opened my eyes to MY need to seek help. God knows I?m imperfect. But I also respectfully disagree with some of the immediate PPs. Insensitive? No. Hugs? As often as she can tolerate them and seldom in the company of others. I make it a point to give her time and attention. Does she always want it? No always. ?Hun, let?s talk while we have dinner?? She is not interested in talking and I can?t carry a conversation.
Look, on her part she has experienced a lot of trauma (from bad relationship before we met and eventually married, loss of parents, to kids and a difficult husband to boot). We do need to work through a lot of issues and sex is only one of them (and other will contend, the least of them). So, how do two porcupines make out together? Suggestions always welcomed.
Have you tried to approach this subject with her outside of the bedroom?
I strongly suggest you do so.
Have somebody watch the kids and you pick up the ball on the discussion. She's got to meet you at least half way on this.
She can't snap at you and go "this time isn't good."
Have you tried things like date nights? Drawing a bubble bath and lighting some candles and getting a nice bottle of wine...and then inviting her to join you in it?
Have YOU tried mixing it up? Have you included a lot of foreplay?
Do you keep yourself neat and clean and shower often? Do you keep up on your dental health? (I am sure you do but if you don't...brother, start IMMEDIATELY)
And I second what a PP said --- maybe she needs medication or perhaps she needs hormone adjustment if she's that touchy and you need to walk on eggs during certain times of the month. If she's on the pill, maybe her dosage needs adjusting or her doc can give her something else.
I myself suggest that she get to a doc for a complete evaluation. Perhaps her thyroid is out of whack -- an under or overactive thyroid sure can make you grouchy and moody and in extreme cases somebody that is downright unlivable.
If none of this applies, perhaps she's telling you the sex department is closing...and sex is only on her terms and not yours. If that is the case, put yourself first. YOu decide where you want to go from there. GL.
If she is not afraid to express her feelings to you (about ignoring her, etc.), you should express yours to her as well. Suggest counseling. My friend went through sex therapy with her husband and she said it increased their sex life 100%.
You could also suggest trying new things to spice it up a bit. Go to a sex store together. Pick out some movies, toys, etc. together. That could spark some interest if you engage in things together.
GL, I'm sorry you're going through this!
Wow, what a bltch.
Possibly.
It sounds like he is ignoring his wifes needs while wondering why his own aren't being met. Duh!
Just want to bring up some of the highlights that you appear to have missed.
1) In response to DW saying that she feels ignored and criticized, OP rolls over and ignores her.
2) During sex, DW would like manual stimulation so that she can orgasm. Presumably, she knows this works for her. OP is for some reason bothered by this and I'll assume she is probably aware of his annoyance, which is probably a bit hurtful to her.
Btw, OP, what's up with this? Why are you bothered that she requests manual stimulation? Are you aware that for most women, this is how they can orgasm during intercourse? I'd say that the fact she's telling you what she wants in bed is a good thing. Your wants and needs should be important too, but the path toward mutual satisfaction is probably not paved with being annoyed with something she's telling you she wants in bed (getting her to orgasm=good, right?).
3) DW would like to hug and caress after not seeing OP all day. This is a very positive sign that she's reaching out for and expressing affection toward the OP, but OP again is annoyed by this. DW is probably hurt by this as well.
Yes, it's not all his fault, but jiminy christmas, why does no one see anything wrong here?
If b1tch = the truth. Than sure!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Taking a different approach on things: Maybe wife doesn't want to have sex with you because of her own issues. For example, I still break out like I'm a 14 year old kid, and this totally has an effect on me and how I perceive myself. I feel that my husband doesn't want to be around me/touch me/whatever because he is disgusted. Which is totally not true. So I didn't want to have sex because I didn't feel I was "pretty enough"
Maybe this isn't her exact problem, but if you have three young children, maybe she doesn't feel "pretty enough" if that makes sense. Another example, my husband has lost 50 lbs since we met, and he has always had his "doubts" that any woman would think he's attractive just because he was overweight. I didn't see his weight (he wasn't that big, but to him, it was enough) I saw his personality, the same way he sees me without my breaking-out (s). Maybe it's her own insecurities with HERSELF and not you.
But, maybe I'm wrong. That's just what happened to me.
You're just full of contradictions.
You say you want to talk about it, then get mad when she expresses herself. So she has a crappy way of expressing herself - but rather than trying to calm her and talk rationally, you ignore her until she shuts up. That's not creating intimacy.
You say you're full of hugs and love and anything she needs. Well wake up pal, she NEEDS you to be receiving of her love when she tries to give it. Instead you brush her off. Yeah she's fuming, because you DID ignore her needs. And she's just supposed to buck up at bedtime, because that's when it's good for you? Again, not creating intimacy.
Look, I understand you're frustrated, but you're sounding like a jerk. I bet it's 10x worse to your wife.
You've BOTH got a lot of work to do here. Don't get all high and mighty about how marriages are forever and people should work on them instead of divorce, if you're refusing to see your own downfalls here.
Go to counseling even if you partner will not.
Be aware of your desires without judgment about yourself or her.
Be aware of your feelings without judgment of yourself or her.
I'm also team Mrs.Flyboat. Some of your comments in this post are ridiculous- she demands that you "manually stimulate" her and this is a complaint you have of her? Really? You do know that this is the only way most women can orgasm, right? Would you be interested in sex if you didn't orgasm?
You roll over and ignore her when she answers a question you asked? You blow her off when she greets you when you come home and expect her to be a firecracker in bed that night? I really think you are at least 90% to blame here. I suspect that if you were more attentive to her needs her mood swings would disappear.
You both seem super greedy.
You want things your way and she wants things her way and there is no middle ground. You get home from work and she wants to know that you notice her, maybe even miss her. Give her a flippin hug and kiss! She says you ignore her, well if you walk in the door after being away at work all day and barely say hello, you ARE ignoring her!
Her wanting manual stimulation is probably the only way she gets off, like a lot of women...this isn't really a negative. although you should be able to talk about things you want as well (ignoring her all day and then doing this though not incredibly wise) don't start conversations like these before bed, you already know that conversations aren't working well at this time, she ends up upset because you're critisizing her (mind you she's probably taking it more personal than you might mean it, but take that as a clue to reword things)
Try talking to her after supper when things are a little quieter and instead of going at her with "you never do..." try "I feel like we should try..." and don't ignore your faults when they come up either...talk, if things get out of control try reigning it in. "I don't mean to upset you, I love you, I just feel..." keep your voice calm and loving. suggest counseling again with a different counselor (maybe she'd be more comfortable with a female counselor...let her know that if she doesn't like one that you'll continue to find one that she does like.)
Hey all, first, thanks for the feedback. Second, most of your comments were very constructive and eye-opening.
I went home yesterday and just watched her over dinner, thinking about some of the responses and had to admit that I do still love her. Selfish me may not always want to say this verbally, but I have to make these words come out more often.
So, after 24 hours of reading your posts I?ve come to realize the following (in no apparent order or ranking), starting with the admission that my initial post was an outburst of anger stemming from years of pent-up frustrations:
1. I'm culpable. I?m partially to blame for her actions AND reactions.
2. I?ve been dissatisfied about the quality of our relationship and the health of our marriage
3. Mrs Flyboat IS NOT without guilt either. She does have mood swings and a significantly lower sex drive. Some of these are medical concerns. I cannot continue to ignore them.
4. As a result of my post, I?ve had to fess up to my own shortcomings as a husband.
5. What I mentioned in an earlier reply about the manual stimulation is not that I?m against it but rather she absolutely refuses to consider alternative (conservative) positions (i.e. woman above, spoons, etc). Why settle for the same way all the time when one can enjoy variety.
6. I need to seek help to get over MY bitterness, resentment, and anger.
7. If my (and your) parents and grandparents can survive the countless years of marriage, despite the problems, so can we.
Thank, again, for your comments.
So what is your plan then? You guys have MAJOR communication malfunctions, and if these things aren't addessed things will never change.
You really need to stop focusing on sex for a goddamn minute and worry about your marriage. With your relationship the way it is you're lucky you've even getting any. Don't worry about positions and all that crap for now, work on your marriage. When you guys have a healthy marriage the sex will follow.
Did you talk to her?
Seriously, stop making excuses. Either you want to fix this or you don't. You need to discuss this with her. I'm sure if you approach it the right way she'll be glad to take the opportunity.
Can you email/text her during the day today? Just to say hey, I'd really love to discuss some things with you later tonight, can we please try to make that happen.
If you don't bother to try don't complain about the lack of results and continued lack of sex.
Can you not help put them to bed earlier?
Can you not arrange for a baby sitter some time so that you can have a whole evening just the two of you?
Lying in bed is NOT a good time normally to be having big conversations, you need to buck up and arrange another time.
absence of sex isn't because you don't have time, you can easily get a baby sitter once or twice a week for date nights...but you kinda need to have the conversation first.
Done.
At least Flyboat is looking for some answers. And, it appears, has recognized some of his own weaknesses through this post. I have to say, when a woman posts something similar to the OP about her husband, we all rally to her defense...why are some people going on the attack? He's here for help, not to be beaten down. What if a woman posted, "He only wants to lie on his back and insists (quite forcibly too) that I manually stimulate him before each orgasm. He becomes irritated and hostile when I try to encourage him to try a different position and considers this a criticism of him when it comes to sex." What would YOUR reaction be?
Flyboat, women react much differently than men - both sexually and emotionally. And, the two are tied together. If we're not in it emotionally, that usually will lead to breakdowns sexually. We're not mind readers - we need to know what you're thinking! Also, walking in the door and giving her a hug could go a long way. How about giving her 1 minute? Just walk in, give her a kiss, and hold her. Tell her you love her, ask how the day went, share what happened in your day. If you become more involved emotionally, you'll feel closer together sexually. There are a TON of sexual books out there to spice things up. Would she react positively? There's a book called "1000 nights of grrreat romance" that might be helpful. It's filled with things to do - FOR each other. Various price ranges, activities, etc. Look into it. It's good.
The counselling that people have suggested is a good idea. I think you both could benefit from it, but if she's not willing, than you should go alone.
Hope you get it figured out...good luck!