I don't think I am being unreasonable ....

Divallyn

So recently I was told by a friend that I am being unreasonable. I try to keep an open mind and really explore the possibility that he might be correct but I don't think that he is in this case. Let me know if you agree or disagree with me ...

The Story:

I have been best friends with two males for a very long time. The three of us have always been very very close. We have a very special connection ... something that I don't have with my girlfriends. Its kind of like a brother and sister that are best friends. We lived together for awhile too. We will call one J and the other M. So J and I have never had any bumps in our friendship. M on the other hand can be basically a very bad friend. He is either completely there or completely not. He tends to forgot about J and I whenever he gets a new gf and then when he pisses her off enough and she leaves M will come back. M also is a tad bit unstable emotionally ... I guess its fair to say he struggles with his own mental demons. Nothing to the point where he should be on meds or anything though. I have been putting up with his crap for 10 years and always forgiving and fogetting. Before that he was always a good friend.

So he never RSVP-ed to the wedding and he never showed. I know he was in town hanging out with his brand new gf. He literally lives 5 minutes from the wedding venue. That night I declared to J that I am done with M's friendship. He causes more hurt than happiness and its been that for a long time. My feelings were/are hurt. I have gone to friends wedding when I was dog ass sick and halucinating because I wanted to be there for this part of their lives. I guess this was the straw that broke the camels back. J tells me I am being unreasonable do you agree?

 

Melozia

This exact situation played out with me and my friend when I got married. I had alot of the same feelings as you do. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I will say, though, based on my own experience that you should be open (if you can) to hearing M out. It took 5 years, but my friend and I managed to get past it and we are better friends now than before. It just has to work itself out, when he's open to hearing about your hurt feelings, and you're ready to hear his reason(s). Sorry, the situation sucks. Been there

Temp679314250006041

I think unreasonable would be to insist J have nothing more to do with M either. 

There is nothing unreasonable in saying "I am done with a relationship that is so one sided.  M has shown me he does not value me as a friend so I'm not going to try and force it.  And I'm not going to wait around for when it is convenient for him again."

If M was working on his issues and trying that would be one thing.  However, if he's going along on his merry way you should do the same. 

kaube

Yeah, I have been/am there too. It sucks a LOT but you cant keep having people bring you down like that. I dont think it is unreasonable at all to say you are no longer willing to deal with it. One thing I suggest though, is if M comes to you in a while and asks you why you have disappeared you should tell him honestly why you have decided this friendship will no longer work for you. Often after you do that the person will try to start a fight about it, but I find if I just calmly restate my reasons and then end the conversation they will either leave you alone from then on, leaving you free to move on, or will reevaluate their position and come back and try to make good on their mistakes. I hope this all works out for you, I know how heartbreaking it can be