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long and rambly birth story
I don't know if anyone cares to read this, but everyone here is napping and this is the first time I've had to myself in two weeks, so I'm choosing to spend it with you, and not in bed.
I was scheduled to be induced at 9 on the 31st because of the fluid issues, concern that she would be gigantic, etc. I called at 7:30 to make sure they had room for me, and they didn't, so I called back at 9, and they said, "Hey, call back at 11," so I called at 11 and they said, "Come in at 1, but we might call you and tell you to come in later." Apparently the 31st was a busy day for birthing babies. But I went in at 1.
Pretty much immediately they gave me an IV and took blood. The nurse that stuck the IV in was some sort of sadist. Instead of tapping my arm to get the vein to show up, she slapped it repeatedly. Hard. And she still didn't get it in very well, and almost two weeks later I still have a giant bruise. There were signs up in the room from the last lady that pushed a kid out saying in large, bold letters, "QUIET VOICES PLEASE, HYPNOBIRTHING IN PROCESS." And then other signs that listed out the rules of the hypnobirthing. Apparently you can ruin an entire hypnobirth by saying the word "hurt." Anyway, the sadist nurse was all, "Are these your signs?" And we said no, and she ripped them down and was all, "No wonder she took so long to clear out of this room." I was glad that lady was not my nurse, as I was afraid of all the smack she'd talk about me after I left.
WARNING - I DISCUSS VAGINAS AND CERVIXES AND OTHER GROSS THINGS IN THIS PARAGRAPH Then we sat around for 3 hours. Around 5 a doctor came in and checked to see how far dilated I was. ~1 cm, and my cervix seemed "ripe" so they didn't want to use cervadil, as they did last time. So they decided to do a foley bulb to help open the cervix up some, which involved inserting a catheter into the cervix and then blowing up a little balloon on the other side. The balloon was ~3 cm, so when it fell out they'd know I was ~3 cm dilated. Then they taped the other end of the catheter to my leg. And shortly after it was in, my water broke, and all the water came out the catheter tube and kept running all over my leg. It was gross. Baby birthing is gross.
Anyway, they also started pitocin at the same time to help along the foley bulb thingy, and then we waited. After a couple hours the contractions were coming pretty strongly, and every now and then someone would come by and give the catheter a tug to see if there was any give with the balloon, but there wasn't for hours. By 9:30 or so I was having contractions that lasted a minute every minute or so, but I was still less than 3 cm dilated. I was getting through the contractions with breathing exercises we'd practiced, but I was so tired I'd fall asleep for the minute between contractions, then wake up when the pain started again. At 10:30 the nurse gave the catheter a tug and it came out, so hooray. But dude, the pitocin contractions - they were way worse than the ones I had with Will. Way worse. Then they came and checked me again and I was just barely at 3 cm, and I said, hey, fucck it, give me the epidural, I need to sleep.
The anesthesiologists came around 11 and had everything placed by 11:30 or so. The one anesthesiologist was very nice; the other kept stabbing me with things in the middle of contractions and asking me questions and then saying, "Hey, why isn't she answering?" MAYBE BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO BREATHE THROUGH THIS CONTRACTION YOU ***. My epidural didn't work properly with Will - I could feel pretty much everything on my right side - so I made sure to be super vocal about everything I could feel while they were placing it. I was probably a kind of jerky patient.
Anyway, after they placed the epidural and the doctors came by to talk to me again, Lorne and I started watching The Three Amigos. I fell asleep sometime before the Amigos sang My Little Buttercup. Then I woke up shortly after Chevy Chase asks the villager in Santa Poco if they had anything other than Mexican food, and I felt like I had to poop. Like, a lot. But it hadn't been long since I'd been 3 cm, so it didn't occur to me that perhaps I needed to push out a baby. Instead, when the nurse came in, I was all, "So, I need to poop. What can I do about that?" She was all, "You need to poop? Or you have to push?" And I thought, and I was all, "Well, I think I probably just need to poop, but maybe the doctor should check me."
So the doctor came in. And she was all, "Uh, you're done. Fully dilated." And I was all, "Oh, so it's a good thing I didn't just decide to take a crap in the bed then, huh." I guess that's how ladies wake up all confused with babies between their legs. Then Lorne was all, "She pushed her last baby out in two pushes! And he was huge!" and the nurses were all, "Wow! This should be really fast then!" and I had performance anxiety. They had me do a practice push and then were all, "STOP STOP STOP! GO GET THE ATTENDING!" While we waited for the attending so I could push, I'm pretty sure that one of the nurses did something to get some poop out of me, though no one said anything. There was a smell.
Apparently, though my body does not like being pregnant, it's really good at pushing babies out. The attending came and I pushed and out she came. From when they started the meds to when Evie was born was a little over 8 hours. We held her for a little while, they weighed her and Lorne cut the cord, then she nursed. I was pretty sure the video they showed in breastfeeding class where the baby latched on immediately was a bunch of BS, but apparently it is not. Then they tested her blood sugar a couple times and the second was super low, so they took her away to the NICU and I was all, "FUCCK." And Lorne went with her, and they gave me a peanut butter sandwich. It was all very strange.
I got transferred up to the other area...what is the moms/babies area of the hospital called? Anyway, I was up there alone for a little while, then Lorne came in and went to sleep, and then they gave me a breakfast tray that had more carbohydrates on it it than I'd previously been allowed in an entire day. I ate cereal for the first time in months, and then the nurse came in and tested my blood sugar and was all, "HOLY CRAP 210 THAT IS TERRIBLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" God, I hated that nurse. Shortly before they brought Evie up from the NICU, she was all, "So, your baby is on antibiotics, did you know that?" And I said, "Uh, no, why is she on antibiotics?" "Oh, I don't know, you'll have to ask the NICU." Seriously. Worst nurse ever.
Then Evie came up after a couple hours because all her sugars were normal, and after a couple days my sugars normalized. She was on antibiotics because of the one low sugar - apparently it can be a sign of an infection and they wanted to have her on meds in case the tests for the infections came back positive. The downside of the tests was that we had to stay in the hospital until they were done, which meant an extra day. I was so done with it by Sunday afternoon, but we couldn't leave until Tuesday morning. But everything was negative and then we went home.
And I still hate that stupid nurse.
The end.
Re: long and rambly birth story
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
i read all of it.
i am so glad i didnt need pitocin. ugh.
and sorry about your crap nurse, we had one nursery nurse that sucked and i hated her.
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
The hair grows in thick where the horn used to be.
No! No tearing at all! I wasn't even sore in my nether regions after the epidural wore off. I've had cramping as my uterus shrinks back down to normal size, but I've been totally amazed about how much easier recovery has been this time.
I also forgot to mention that I could not stop shaking from shortly before the anesthesiologists came in until I gave birth. Like, full on body tremors like I was freezing cold, but it wasn't temperature related. I just couldn't stop shaking. It was weird.
Also, before they transferred me up to the other room, I decided I could get up to go to the bathroom on my own, forgetting about the epidural. Yeah, I couldn't move my right leg and almost collapsed as a pile of jello on the floor. Luckily the nurse came in right as I was attempting to stand up.
That nurse is a biitch and I want to punch her in her stupid face. I'm picturing her as round with a mean face and an outdated hairstyle and scrubs with tweety bird on them. Or cats wearing superhero capes.
But you did awesome! And now you can throw your Aviva in the toilet!
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
I didn't read it.
Just kidding, I totally did. I'm gonna hire you to birth my babies for me. I'll do all the pregnancy part, since your body sucks at it, but then when it comes time for the birthing part you'll take over. Deal?
Nicely done!
We had fabulous nurses every step of the way, except for one nurse in triage who seemed annoyed that I was leaking fluid on the floor, as if there was anything I could do about it.
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I had the full on shakes too. They didn't stop until I ate after we were all done.
The nurse that admitted me and got me hooked up to everything was a smug *** that told me there was no way I was going to give birth med free, so I might as well go ahead and get hooked up to the drugs. Grrr...I still hate her.
Other than that though, I had wonderful nurses that definitely helped me get through it. One of them was seriously my life saver. I loved that woman.
That was my favorite part of the whole story. You're as good a storyteller as you are at expelling babies!
I hate that jerkwad nurse. You should have kicked her or thrown your bedpan at her or something.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Or your placenta.
I hate your nurse too. Do you need me to come sh!t on her doormat?
I may also keep this story for possible birthing scenarios.
I read every word. I love Three Amigos.
That nurse sucks balls. Probably for money.
Congratulations on your little girl - she's a doll.
Fact: I do not live in Missouri.
Fact: I live in California.
Fact: I am not a lawyer.
Fact: I AM A NURSE.
Fact: The girl who went to Finger Lakes who said she was ChristinS was my cousin from Missouri who has become RL friends w/ Fenton and AudreyHorne.
FACT: I WAS YOUR AWFUL NURSE AND I JUDGED YOUR BIRTH!!!!
Great story though.
The L&D nurses were all great (except for the IV one that smacked my arm up, but she was at least amusing), but the ones in the post-birth area weren't great. Our night nurse was good, but the three ones we had during the day ranged from mildly annoying to awful.
To reward you for reading the whole thing, here are some pictures. From Evie's first bath (where she's totally side-eyeing you all):
Her wet hair was all curly and more blonde than it is when dry.
We are very serious here in the Pants Family.
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If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
This is Will at 2 weeks.
I think if she had a few pounds of chub in her cheeks they'd look almost identical - their noses and eyes look pretty similar to me. I think Evie has more hair though.
oh, I just looove her little lips. such a sweetie.
great job, Noisy. I loved reading your birth story. it's hilarious that you marked your time sleeping with The Three Amigos. The poop/pushing feeling is so super common. I'm glad you didn't have a poobaby without realizing it.
They call our mom/baby unit MotherBaby. yep. so that's fancy. I am using Hypnobirthing but don't plan on having any signs. My H and doula will be there, so I'm sure one of them can run interference for me. And make all the staff use "pressure wave" instead of "hurt" or "contraction." lol
Congratulations! She is beautiful! You are very good at pushing babies out of you. I'm the opposite - I'm a rock star at pregnancy but I couldn't push the baby out to save my life.
I know I've asked this, and I'm sure the answer is somewhere here but I'm too lazy to look for it - what were her stats?
She is very cute and a mini version of Will. Hopefully she has the same awesome personality.
I really appreciate all the birth stories from you ladies. I feel like they are more honest and detailed than anything I could read in a book with way more humor.
Gah, she is adorable. I love her thuper theriouth face.
Tasty -- MotherBaby makes me think of MotherBoy. I want Buster and Lucille to show up in costume there. That should help with the hypnobirthing experience.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
She does look a lot like will except not as chubby. . She is also perfecting his facial expression. It's like she is saying "Move over bacon. here comes something leaner"