Advice Wanted Please

charitylynne_1979

So what do you do when someone close to you has lied to? Last night I was talking to a friend about this person and I came to find out the other person has lied to be. How do I go about questioning or talking to the other person (liar) about this?

adreajoy713

If it's a big lie that has affected you, you'll have to approach the person and there really is no easy way to confront them.  I personally wouldn't try to catch them in their lie...I feel it's deceiving.

If it's a little "white" lie, I probably wouldn't confront the person.  But just be very cautious about what I beleive from them.  They would lose my trust.

The first important thing is to determine if this lie has affected you and if it's a big enough deal that you need to confront them.

charitylynne_1979

Ohh no it's not a white life. And it's affecting me.

WendyGR

it's hard to give advice without  knowing what general category the lie falls into. Like, if they are lying about being busy when they're not, or married and they're not (or are), whether it's fairly easy to prove or not. How close you are with this person.

charitylynne_1979

It's a very close male friend of mine - we basically grew up together at a Christian camp in Maine. Hubby knows we are good friends and doesn't have a problem with it. J has lived in another state and has gone through 2 divorces. He has the problem or jumping into relationships right after another rather than being a lone. He was living in this town for quite some town then all of a sudden decided to up and move four hours away to a place where he didn't know anyone, etc. We have had heart to heart conversations about him jumping into relatioships all the time (the last one being a month ago) and that he should be alone for a while - he has something stuff that he needed to work on. Well he decided to go back to truck driving and said it's better money for him right now - he was single and it pays well. Well I was talking to a friend last night and she casually mentions yeah J is going to quit driving because he has a gf now and doesn't think it's fair to her. So now everything is falling into place. He said he was moving to this place to get a fresh start and claimed he didn't know anyone. He was there for a week before he left for truck driving. He knew someone there. He was actually excited about this job because he was single and could go back on the road again, etc. And he has lied straight to my face when we have had these heard to heard conversations recently. So now I feel betrayed and have no faith in this person. If you are going to be good friends with someone, you think you should be honest with them? If he wants to be with someone then fine, but it comes down to it he can't be alone and for him to quit driving for a girl, it's pathetic.

WendyGR

Sounds like a lot of drama, and if he wants your advice he should be honest with you. Otherwise maybe pull back a bit. If he's lying to you, maybe you're not as good of friends as you thought.

jillianmb

He sounds like my best friend who often says she wants to be single to work on herself and then jumps into a relationship whenever a guy gives her a second look.

 Honestly this is not about you.  I totally get the hurt feelings b/c I have experienced them too but I've learned that I just need to let it go.  In my case I just try to be the best example for my friend, let her know I'm here for her, and leave it at that.  Sometimes she comes to me to talk and I listen and give her my best advice, but I don't hold my breath that she will follow it.  Sadly it means our relationship is not very close, but I can't control what she does just like you can't control what your friend does- you can only control your reaction to it. 

In your shoes I'd just say "So-and-so told me you are in a relationship now.  I felt hurt that I didn't hear about it from you.  Why didn't you feel like you could tell me?" 

charitylynne_1979

Jillian & Wendy,  I agree it's a lot of drama. I am going to pull away from the friendship a little bit because I don't need the drama in my life. I am going to tell him that so and so told me casually you are now in relationship and didn't you think  you could tell me? I will then leave it at that. Thanks for the honest opinions. Other advice out there is welcomed too.

LVila

It doesn't really affect you other than spending your time giving him advice and listening to him whine/complain about it. 

My BFF from high school was like this... She got into one bad relationship after another, asked me my opinion and for advice, didn't listen and then got mad at me b/c I'd told her my opinion/given advice and she knew it wasn't the same as what she was doing. It caused big issues with us. Ultimately, I stopped giving her ANY relationship advice and saying anything about whatever man of the month she tried to complain about. She knew in her heart that these guys were sh!tty... she didn't need to hear it from me. If you enjoy your friendship, find something in common to talk about that has NOTHING to do with his relationship or yours.