Sex & Romance
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Do you sleep together?
My husband and I are kind of opposites. He's mainly a night person and I enjoy the day. We've been married for just over a year, and I have learned that he LOVES to play video games, mostly at night. Often I've asked him to come to bed with me, and he's said "I'll be there in a minute" but that minute turns into hours, not coming to bed until 3:00am or later. Since we've moved to our new apartment 2 months ago, I can only remember about 3 times he has come to bed at the same time I have. And it's been getting worse. Many times the past few weeks he has been staying up playing video games until 7 or 8am! Then he comes to bed and sleeps until 3pm (we're both unemployed right now). I complain all the time about it and tell him that I feel lonely when he's not in bed with me at night. I say I can "feel" him not there, even when I am sleeping. He doesn't understand that, and says "When I'm asleep, I'm out. I don't feel anything." And the more I complain about him not being there, he says it makes him NOT WANT to go to bed with me. He also says he has a hard time falling asleep and doesn't want to lay there awake. He says he doesn't see it as important that a married couple sleep together every night. I even think it's negatively affecting our sex lives. So my questions are these: do you sleep with your spouse? Am I the only one who can fell when their partner is not beside them? Should I give up trying to get him to sleep beside me and allow myself to grow numb to the loneliness?
Re: Do you sleep together?
I kind of know how you feel but when I expressed my feelings to my hubby he started laying in bed reading while I slept. If he doesn't get sleepy, he'll get back up after I'm asleep and go play video games. He'll usually play until 3 or 4 in the morning but has pulled a couple all nighters. I don't like it when he's not there, especially since he travels out of town for work a lot and I like to have him next to me when I can. Even when he gets up I can feel him leave and it makes me a little sad but I knew going into the relationship that he suffers from bouts of insomnia however at least he makes an effort to lay next to me for a while. It's not even a matter of cuddling, I just like to know he's there with me.
I would keep trying but express more concern and try not to complain. Guys seem to get agitated by that so easily that it seems to be easier if you ask them why. He should want to be there for you even if he does get back up. It just doesn't feel right getting second priority to video games.
Will he lay in bed with you for a bit until you fall asleep? Can you move the TV to your room and have him play the video game there (with a headset or something so you don't have to hear it), or would the light from the TV bother you?
I can understand why he doesn't want to lay there if he can't fall asleep, but your needs are also important. I think that there are definitely ways to compromise like having him come to bed with you for a bit until you are sleeping or maybe you could both go to bed later (around 1am?) since you are both unemployed.
To answer your questions, H and I get into bed at the same time, but he wakes up earlier than I do. Usually I stay up reading for a while as he falls asleep. In the morning after he leaves, I usually am not able to fall back asleep so I would imagine if I tried to go to bed before him with him in another room I probably would have trouble.
My H likes to stay up a few hours after I go to bed so what works for us is he comes to bed with me (around 10pm) and we chat/snuggle for 15-20 minutes (and I usually fall asleep) and then he goes and plays his video games. On Friday nights he stays up until 3am-4am because Saturday he can sleep in.
I hope you two can compromise on your issue. The above compromise that works for my H and I came from many months of seeing what worked for us.
I don't understand why your H would want to sleep during business hours when he could be job hunting. I know (from my 5.5 months of job hunting last year) that a lot can be done online, but not everything.
I feel your frustration. My DH works nights (11pm to 7 am), so we never get to sleep together during the week. I get excited on weekends, but of course it's hard for him to switch his sleep schedule for just 2 days, but he tries to make a point of lying with me for an hour or so.
Maybe remind yourself that this is a temporary situation and once he is working again he will need to be sleeping at night only.
I work nights three days a week and my husband and I HATE it. we just got married 2 months ago, and he says he feels the loanlyness when he sleeps. We are on different schedules intentionally, and it is really not working well for us. I always remind him that my favorite place is in his arms, and whenever we are in bed, atleast for a little while, I always make sure his arms are around me. He knows this makes me not only feel loved, but safe. When I was a kid in bed, I would always psych myself out thinking that someone would come from behind me and grab me (could sprout from having an older brother) so my back had to be against a wall or something to feel safe enough to go to sleep. Feeling his arms protecting me, and his body pressed against me makes me feel safe and loved enough to go to sleep. I never really told him why I like his arms around me, but there it is.
if you told your husband that it makes you feel safe and secure enough to fall asleep just to have him in the room with you, maybe he would be willing to try? I hope you can figure out soemthing that works for both of you.
He says my snoring doesn't let him fall asleep. So, he has to go to sleep before I can. I'm a night owl anyway and he is the early bird.
We like to have "midnight sex". I think that may be TMI but if he wakes up in the middle of the night and wants some nookie... then we both enjoy it. Early morning sex is great too.
It works for us, but I do think that in some ways it does affect our sex life. You should continue trying to talk to your H about your feelings. Maybe not approaching it as you "need" him there but giving him the reasons why. Maybe try to compromise where he agrees to go to bed with you 1 or 2 nights a week and then start building those days as he gets used to going to bed at an earlier time.
Married
Taking Control:Updated 1/7
Kristi and Kerry June 21,2008
BF and I are both big video game nuts. Sometimes it does affect us going to bed together. We usually start to crash around the same time, and we both work first shift so we have similar bedtimes. There is the occasional night of one of us getting hooked to our game and staying up until 3am playing. In that instance, the other person goes to bed, reads a little, and konks out, and the gamer comes to bed whenever they want. It isn't frequent enough to cause an issue.
What if there was an incentive to coming to bed besides, "Hey, lay next to me"? That doesn't sound very enticing, to be perfectly honest. Are you two smushy? Can you make a game out of cuddling and rolling around on the bed and just being silly? If you turn it into a game, it'll be more pleasant than if you're just nagging the crap out of him constantly.
I second:
1. Him going to bed with you, waiting until you fall asleep, and getting back up,
2. Him having a laptop or TV in the bedroom, so long as it doesn't bother you, or
3. Him forcing himself to do something OTHER than play video games in the couple of hours preceeding bedtime... like PP said, staring at a bright TV or computer screen will screw up your brain and make it really difficult to fall asleep.
BF and I make an effort to turn the TV off an hour or two before we know we need to go to bed and read instead. We do it more as a "I know I need to go to bed at x o'clock or tomorrow's going to suck" thing. If I keep playing video games, I'll stay up for hours even though my eyes are sore from lack of sleep, but if I read a few pages of a book, I'm content to pass out in 20-30 minutes.
He really needs to address his sleeping disorder for his sake as well as yours. Playing video games or staring at a computer screen is pretty much the worse way curb insomina. Sleep aids are usually a last resort but has he tried that option? I suffer from a sleep disorder and basically I'll take sleep aids on the weekend when I can sleep in and not worry about side effects but I won't use them during the work week so I don't get dependent on them. This way, I get a chance to catch up at the least. And of course, there's always the more natural option of exercising and eating better to improve his sleep schedule.
I have trouble sleeping at night too. I find that I have to do calming activities such as reading, cuddling, etc. If I watch tv, I often have trouble going to sleep. My husband also finds that he can't sleep after playing video games (I am not too into gaming myself). I now take a Melatonin tablet as I find it helps me sleep and doesn't have the day after drowsiness that sleeping pills have. I also use ear plugs as most noises will wake me up (we live in a condo on a busy street so it could be a car outside or a noisy neighbour).
Your husband should also see his doctor as it may be stress or depression.
My answer would have to be yes and no. We usually do not go to bed at the same time though.
When we first got married, I was working night shift, he was not working BUT going to school full time he had class two days a week and clinicals the other three. He was a day shifter I was a night shifter. It can be really hard to switch to sleeping at night during your off time when you work nights.
Our issue now is that when I come home from work I can't go straight to bed..everyone is like how do you stay up...and my answer is always..when you get off work at 7pm do you go straight to bed? LOL. He can...I swear his head hits the pillow and he is OUT I'm jealous..so usually. I browse the net or read next to him..he wakes up before I do though becuase he went to bed early.
FYI tell your hubby..staying up all night WILL NOT reset his sleep cycle....The way I have to do that is to stay up that night and...stay awake as long as physically possible the next day...or...if he lies down at 7 am MAKE himself get up..around 11am or 12 am..he will be tired...and prob hit the the bed around 7pm or 8pm and HOPEFULLY he won't wake up at 3am... maybe by 5 or 6 and then stay up all day again...NO nap this time...and he should be okay...lol staying up at night will only make u more of a night person.
Are these jobs he is applying for online for night shift? B/c when they pull these applications they can see what time the applications are submitted.
First, I need to defend my husband's work efforts. He doesn't WANT to be unemployed. He's put in a ton of applications and resumes, and has had a few interviews. In our area, the economy just really is that bad. I'm not criticizing his efforts to find a job, and I think he'll have one soon (same with me).
Second, here's a little update: on Sunday we went to church for the first time since moving across the state. It was totally an eye-opener. My husband was staying up playing video games all night because he felt like that was the only time he could have alone time, and that he didn't have to argue with me about who should have the TV or what to watch, etc. We both came to the realization (among many other things) that we were beginning to idolize the TV, showing it more love and attention than each other. We weren't treating each other like Jesus would. After a long talk and revamping of our relationship, I feel like my husband finally gets it. Since then we have been much closer and he has been much more sensitive to my needs and desires, putting our marriage first before artificial images on the television. He's not only gladly gone to bed with me, he's also cuddled me more in bed! I have also become more sensitive to his need to have personal fun time, especially since he's had the huge stresses of job hunting. Even though it's only been 3 days, I feel like we've really had a revelatory turn-around that will last. Thanks for the replies!
My SO and I sleep together every night, and we go to bed around the same time each night. We are both 8-5ers at work, and neither of us work weekends, so it's fairly easy to maintain a normal sleep pattern together. We both prefer to fall asleep together, but maybe that's just because it's what we're used to. If he is tired, he will sleep on the couch until I am ready to go to bed at normal bed time (between 9:30 and 11 on week nights). If I'm not tired at bed time and he is, I will read in bed while he falls asleep until I am tired. Then again, we're also the couple that sleep squished up together in the middle of the bed.
I don't think you should have to grow numb to the loneliness. Your H needs to grow up. He's an adult who needs to get a job, which won't happen if he is sleeping all day. Both of you should try and start sleeping on a more normal schedule, like you would if you had jobs. Job hunting online isn't the most effective strategy anyway - you both need to get out, hand out resumes in person, market yourselves, attend job fairs, etc. It is possible for him to re-adjust his sleeping pattern, he just needs to try harder (or, that's what I think). Turning off the TV an hour before you want to go to sleep will help. Cut caffeine after mid-afternoon. Do relaxing things in the time before bed to get your body ready for sleep.
This might seem mean - but the last time I was in a relationship where one was styaing up all night playing games online, and the other was sleeping alone.. it ended.
Me and my ex were pretty much in your situation. No sex. Next to no sleeping together, and frankly, we really didn't spend time together outside of the bedroom either. It took us 4 years to figure it out - but we were really just friends living together. Once we got that nailed down - life got a lot better.
Me and my now BF, go to bed together, unless I'm working nights. He likes to game, but only when he has the time. Sleep, work, life and me come before gaming. And it is wonderful. Which isn't to say that we don't have issues - cuz we do. But over all he would rather be doing errands with me, or hanging out with me and the dog, then playing games endlessly online.
Having been in your shoes, i can say without a doubt that if you need to force your man to spend time with you, in or out of bed, then he just isn't that into you. End of story.
Sorry.
Get jobs! That's your first problem. It might help him actually find a job if he were awake during the day. If he can't find a job, he can volunteer somewhere during the day. He should be doing something other than sleeping all day. You can't put that on a resume, FYI.