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Husband keeps asking for this particular act, I am against it
Warning- this post contains graphic terms.
Lately my husband has been asking for and pressuring me to have anal sex. It started when I was pregnant and I could no longer orgasm. He said there are two things that turn him on- ?pleasing? me and anal sex. From the start I told him I do not want to do it AT ALL. I have many deeply felt reasons for this, which I have tried explaining to him. I feel like it is humiliating and it violates me. I also feel like when he refers to it in general, it shows a lack of respect and domination (such as ?she is really asking for it up the a--?). Lastly, the thought of something going up there that would hurt even more than his finger also makes me not want to do it. During the pregnancy he wore me down to the point I started letting him put a finger in there, but it was always a struggle and I told him that I felt humiliated, that it hurt, and it bothered me went against my wishes and did it anyway. I eventually told him he could not do that anymore, and that caused a lot of arguments, but he has not tried since. Recently he has brought up anal sex again and told me it would make a nice birthday gift. I know many married couples give a special sex act as a birthday gift, but I feel like that is even more offensive because asking for it as a gift also destroys something I see as sacred and intimate. I told him what bothers me the most is that I have expressed to him how deeply I feel about this and it is my body he wants to do it to. His response is he only wants to love a part of me, he cannot help what he is attracted to and what turns him on, and he feels like I am trying to shut down his sexuality. Also important to note, we have sex as regularly as possible, and I do not withhold sex or intimacy- I just do not want to do this. Advice?!
Re: Husband keeps asking for this particular act, I am against it
all i can say is no really does mean no - wouldn't this really apply in a marriage? he should understand how you feel and back off. i would just straight up say no you won't ever do it and do something else for him instead if you feel up to it.
I find this worrisome:
During the pregnancy he wore me down to the point I started letting him put a finger in there, but it was always a struggle and I told him that I felt humiliated, that it hurt, and it bothered me went against my wishes and did it anyway.
This is now a character problem -- you specifically said no and he did it anyway.
Ask yourself if you can live with such a characterless creep. That is what he is IMO.
He only wants to love a part of you yet he specifically did as he wanted to when you said NO. That isn't love; this is a creep.
This kind of pressure would never fly in a dating relationship, why should it be okay now that your married. Him wanting anal sex is fine (yay for him for expressing his wants) but he also needs to respect your feelings and this isn't something that you want to experience, he needs to leave it alone.
I don't get why anyone would want to do something for their own pleasure that makes their significant other so uncomfortable and feel so disrespected/inferior.
Besides talking to him, and letting him know exactly how you feel my only other suggestion would be maybe couples counseling? Maybe figure out why he feels this overwhelming need to do something that causes you pain/discomfort.
This exactly.
I think he should get to a therapist to find out why he broke a promise and why he has this, as the OP said, overwhelming need to do something that is making you uncomfortable.
I can see a situation like this getting out of hand and out of control.
No is NO and he can't seem to understand that. Why I think this is worrisome and why I think you should start rethinking this creep.
Honestly I don't get why guys want this so bad. It sounds kind of gross to me. I suppose the thinking is that its tighter or maybe just taboo but I think I am with you. I can see how a girl would feel its humiliating...like a guy um finishing on your face or something. Its probably just some porn dream that he's always wanted to do but I want nothing to do with it.
Personally, if you are completely against it, he needs to get over it. I wouldn't give it to him for a present...
I agree with PP. I find it very troublesome that he seems so determined to do something that you have made absolutely clear you are not OK with. I hate to always pull the counseling card out - but something about this seems very off to me. In a respectful relationship, he would ask, you would say it's not your thing because of X,Y, and Z reasons, and he would let it go, knowing that it causes you so much distress. Period.
Think of it this way....
If he wanted to become a swinger, because he felt it was the core of his sexuality, would you be OK with that?
If he wanted to sleep with hookers, because it really turns him on, would you be OK with that?
Sure these things are much different than wanting anal sex with his wife - but the message is still the same. Something sexual he wants, that you're absolutely not OK with...should be taken off the table.
If you said no, and he wore you down to the point that you said it was OK for him to mess around a bit, how would that make you feel? Like he didn't give a damn about your feelings, I imagine. That's the real problem here.
I appreciate the responses. This is not something I will talk to with my close friends about because I think it is too personal. But I really wanted to get other opinions on this and make sure I am not completely off base. I underdstand this is a part of his sexuality- I am not asking him to not be turned on by it, I just don't want it done to me.
I am not sure how else to respond to him, what to say when he brings it up? I just keep bringing up my feelings and opposition, and that is not working.
This. Respond just like this. With strength and conviction. don't apologize for the way you feel, just let him now clearly that it's not happening and not to ask again, and suggest the counseling.
As the cliche goes, "What part of NO does he not get?"
No is NO.
I'd have a real riot act talk with this guy -- he needs to have it hit home once and for all that you are simply not interested in anal sex and the subject is closed.
The red flags are sure flying freely here: I see a promise breaker, lack of character, lack of respect and that he is intent on still doing what you do not wish to do is just plain disturbing.
Since everyone else has touched on the emotional/relationship side of the question, I'll ask the down and dirty technical question:
Do you use enough lube? And the right kind of lube? Did you take it super very slow? Usually, that's why anal is so awful, because people aren't using nearly enough lubrication, and then on top of it, the guy is just barreling in too quickly. I'm not a big fan of it myself, but the few times it was bearable we used a TON of silicone lube and went so slow a snail would have told us to speed up.
If you don't want to do it because you find it degrading and offensive, I understand that and he should listen to you and back off. If you don't want to do it because its painful, then you should reevaluate your technique. Hopefully you can come to a compromise, but I would talk to him about his badgering as well.
This hits a little too close to home for me.
My XH acted in the same manner - we tried it once, I didn't like it and told him I no longer wanted to fool around with butt play or have anal sex. He still pushed it. For YEARS. Finally I said fine because he plain old wore me down and I was sick of hearing about it, and it was horrible. I bawled like a baby afterwards.
Even after that and seeing how much it hurt me, he still pushed for it again.
Don't have an H like this. Look back, and there might be other patterns of him pushing to get his way because "he can't help how he is". There are other issues if he knows that you are absolutely saying NO, and yet he thinks it's okay to keep asking.
I'd make counseling mandadory, based on your description of what has been happening -- and I'd also give serious thought to saying goodbye to this jerk.
No means NO whatever the circumstances are, even if it's something as mundane as No, I don't wish to spend our Friday night with Marsha and John.
He can't GET what "NO" means. He still insists on doing what he wants, and he is disregarding what YOUR wishes are.
This guy's got serious issues.
I was gonna say something along the lines of what EngineerAaron said, but her's is far more creative!
Tell him that every time he gets to have anal sex you get to light his *** on fire first. If he thinks you're joking get out the lighter fluid and matches and see where he goes from there.
He should not be pushing to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable and he shows a pretty clear lack of respect for you and your feelings! I think if you really don't want to do this you should stick with your guns and don't give in at all. If he gets it again he'll probably just think there's hope for a next time.
I had an exbf that kept pushing me for anal. I said no constantly and had several "this is the last time we will have this discussion" conversations with him, yet he kept bringing it up.
Eventually, I did what Aaron suggested. I told him that if I could use a vibrator on him anally or have a gay male friend penetrate him while I watched *and* he had the best orgasm of his life, then I would consent to anal sex. Hey - who would want to miss out on a fantastic orgasmic experience like that?
He declined and didn't bring it up again. His pushy, controlling nature and lack of concern for my well being is a major part of the reason he is an ex.
Just something to think about.
Engineer and Zest: Best. Posts. Evah.
well, to put it bluntly i feel he is being very unsensitive to your sexuality and feelings. Yea he may feel that way about you sexually but at the same time that is how you feel about it sexually. no one is in the right or wrong here about feeling a certain way. Its unfair of him to expect you to give in to his wants. Especially if it is just not something you enjoy and you are feeling more negative feelings then just it doesn't feel good. Its to the point of you will resent him and well feel violated. If you allow him to do this it will only hurt your relationship.To give a personal experience, when i met my bf, i was completley against anal for the same exact reasons. i had an ex who acted much like your husband is and well. to be honest i had nightmares about it and the thought of it made me feel sick to my stomach and i shuddered at the idea. at this point in time i can enjoy it every now and then. only because my current boyfriend listened to my feelings and i knew it was something he liked. after we were together for a long time i would allow him to touch me but the second i couldnt stand it or it wasnt pleasureable he would stop. he knows its only every once in a while but when we do its enjoyable for both parties and only when we both are enjoying. its not one sided. but i had to put down some major ground rules for stoping when i say and do as i say or its a no go. plus it is essential that you have lube when you do that to prevent pain. there is no natural lube in that area and it could hurt you if you dont. it is something you have to do slowly or once again it will hurt you. I hope you and your husband will come to some sort of compromise.
I gotta agree with the physical and emotional responses here. Ex bf wore me down too, to the point where I ended up drinking a bottle of wine--by myself--so I could get drunk enough to stop the pain. (it didn't work, btw.) DH also loves anal, but has had experience on both sides of the sphincter, so to speak, so he was very careful to not cause me any pain. It still doesn't do anything for me, but I appreciate his being considerate.
I'm honestly wondering if your DH honestly doesn't know any better. Counseling may help, but be warned--it may also show you things about him that you didn't realize were there. That happened to my ex and I, and while it was for the best, the breakup was painful. Think about what you'll do if his behavior doesn't change.
I suggest the next time he asks for anal, pull out a vibrator and tell him to spread his cheeks.
67/200
Kristi and Kerry June 21,2008
Without actually saying so, he's telling you "If you loved me, you would do this."
My response would be "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask."
He asked, she said no. That's the end of that. Discussion closed but he just doesn't get it. So it's I'll Do It Again, Anyway!!!!!!
If you don't want to then that is fine you shouldn't feel like you have to do something you don't want to.
You have told him you don't like it and why. You hav told him you will not participate. I would tell him if you can't respect that then you have no respect for me. If you want to fuuck someone in the ass so bad then there's the door go find what you want and don't come back.
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
And this is ninth grade crap. "C'mon, honey, everybody's doing it and if you really loved me you would."
This jerk never left ninth grade, apparently.
I normally just lurk but I thought I'd respond because it also hit home.
Your DH sounds like my XH. He would always ask for anal. It seemed to be something that really turned him on. I tried it a few times and it was uncomfortable but I also felt degraded. I couldn't get through to him that this was how I felt. It seemed that he liked the power and control that the act simulated for him.
He's now an XH for lots of different reasons, but I think that the lack of respect for your body and feelings are hugely symbolic. I would be willing to be that you have other examples of this. Either sexually or just in general. I think it's a huge red flag that he's ignoring your feelings about this.
hahaha, you & I would get along well. This is exactly what I was thinking! Maybe he'll figure out why you're not interested.
There is way more going on here than the whole anal request. Your husband has no respect for you & by trying it to please him you are allowing that behavior. You shouldn't have to do anything that you are not into to please someone!
Since I am a lover of anal sex, I can't quite align my thoughts with yours, but your husband does sound like a prick.
If you want to try to work this out, ask him if you can finger HIS ass. Ask if you can then put bigger things (do you have a dildo) in HIS ass. If he says NO, then you've won the argument, IMHO.
And I love you. Yes, yes, yes. My thoughts exactly.
Ask him why he got married if he is gay.
Not that everyone (or every man) who likes anal is gay, but maybe this will finally shut him up.