I need some help if you wouldn't mind.

BettyBookworm

Ok. This post might get me flamed, but I am trying to post it as a way to support a family member. This family member is involved with a man that is almost twice his age. I believe they have been together for about 6 years or so. While I have my issues with his partner. edited to add: not the partner, but the aforementioned family member is close to me. All I want is to see him happy.

This brings me to two issues that I have observed in his relationship that confuse me. The first is the monogamy issue. My family member is monogamous and believes that it would be wrong to sleep around on his partner. Apparently his partner thinks that monogamy is a "stupid straight thing. Gay men don't have to subscribe to that." I disagree with his (the partner) statement and think that it shouldn't matter if you are gay or straight. If you believe in monogamy or if its important to your partner then I think you should at least consider it. 

This family member's partner makes no secret of the fact that he sleeps with other men. He and my family member do not use condoms. I think this is a horribly bad idea if they are not on the same page about monogamy, (I would say this about a straight couple too) and told him so. He told me that I was just being a bigot and that there are just as many straight people who get STD's by not being monogamous. I agreed and said that just because there are lot of straight & gay folks getting health problems out there doesn't mean that he has to be one of them. We agreed to disagree about the protection issue because it upset him & I didn't want to really get into a big fight about it when its his business how he has sex. My question is: What are your views on monogamy in homosexual/lesbian relationships? Do you think that the same "rules" (if there are any-- who says, etc?) apply to LGBT community?

The other problem revolves around money in their household. My family member gives his money to his partner with the belief that is contributing to the household funds. However, the partner says that their money should be separate, but he takes my FM's money anyway. The partner says that he is entitled to contributions from my FM because he (the partner) is the main breadwinner. I don't understand how his money is so much more important that my FM's money? They both work hard for their money. Also, partner is the only person that decides what they spend money on. Since he is the breadwinner he determines how they spend their money. I don't think this is fair because according to him FM's money is FM's money. The money is separate or at least that is what Partner says. Its just confusing to me. My question is how do you handle the finances in your relationship? I would imagine it would be the same for a straight couple, but apparently according to this partner the "rules" are different there too.  

I understand that both issues are private & personal. Its just that I worry so much for this FM when they tell me about these situations. I worry that his partner is abusing him (financially, emotionally ). I don't know if the abuse goes as far as the physical, but I do know that my FM is always worrying that he will make his partner angry or annoyed. Its just a situation that is hard to sit on the sidelines of. I also feel like my opinions, advice and good intentions don't mean as much because I don't belong to the same community as FM. I don't want to offend him with my ideas or suggestions because I know that it might be a different dynamic. 

How can I help? What should I say? Should I just MYOB?

Again, this post is not meant to be a shiit-stirring post or something to offend anyone. I apologize in advance if it does offend people because this is not my intention. I am simply worried out of my head for my FM because I just want him to be happy, healthy & successful. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance. I just need some perspective. Thank you.

nevr2amazin

I don't know if I am the right one who should reply to this post because I am VERY old school. My DW has taught me SO MUCH.

First, I think instead of advising your FM about his relationship, you may want to steer him in the path of counseling. I think a good therapist is GREAT for everyone...problems or no problems.

Second, if I want equality in this world, then I believe there are no us and them (i.e. gay and straight) "rules." Relationships are relationships regardless.

Third, finances depend on the couple...I will leave it at that.

 I don't know if this helps...these are only my opinions. 

berriesnpie

PFLAG has some resources you may find helpful. http://community.pflag.org/

I agree with the therapist suggestion. Your family member may find it easier to talk with someone who he's not related to. 

If you're concerned that this is an abusive relationship, the Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project may be helpful. They also have a hotline.

BettyBookworm

Thank you so much. These suggestions are very helpful. It makes me feel better to get some feedback. Thank you for responding.

cookiemonster03

From a quick skim, I have some concerns your family member is in an emotionally abusive relationship (given what appears to be double standards and controlling behaviors on behalf of his partner). That said, things like monogamy and finances are really up to the couple, gay or straight.

Kershnic

Every relationship has its own rules, whether it's gay or straight.  Many straight couples are not monogamous or have confusing arrangements around money or don't use protection when they should - just like many gay couples.  These things become problems when both partners don't agree on them.  Unfortunately, the idea that the sexual behavior you're talking about is "normal" is a stereotype among gay men, which may be influencing your family member's thinking.  I agree with the other posters that suggesting counseling may be helpful.  I also think that you can continue to be there for your family member, talk to him about his relationship in a non-judgmental way, and reinforce the idea that he has the right to a relationship where he helps set and agrees to the "rules" regardless of his sexuality. 

ki10

In regards to the financial situation, if you would be worried about the situation for a straight relative, be worried about this one. The "rules" of finances in all relationships are different, just look on the Money Matters board here, and queer relationships often get more financially complicated because there isn't always a direct avenue for partners to legally marry and thereby taxes get weird. Still, that sounds fishy rather than just complicated.

As for monogamy, the only difference in the queer community is that we're already playing outside the "rules", so we can acknowledge when some are antiquated, sexist or simply don't work in our own relationship easier than most straight people do. Just as in a straight couple, if one partner believes only in monogamy and the other doesn't, they can't work together. However, I know several polyamorous people whose partners are monogamous with them. If the monogamous partner doesn't mind, it's a perfectly valid way to deal. However, it's very rare that a monogamous person doesn't mind a polyamorous SO, and it sounds like it bothers your FM, which is BAD NEWS BEARS. As for condoms, most people don't use them with their primary partner but instead with all their other partners. This can be problematic in cases of breakage, and it's a good way to get something like HPV or crabs, but it's pretty standard and not something I'd worry about. If a poly couple trusts one another to admit when there may have been an accident, they're doing pretty well.