Party Etiquette ?

elissaann26

DH is turning 30 next week.  He doesn't want a big party, so we are planning to go out to dinner at a brazilian steakhouse.  I want to surprise him by inviting some friends to join us.  The idea is they will all be there when we show up.

Here's my dilemma.  The restaurant is on the expensive side ($38 for salad/appetizer bar and all you can eat meat and $27 for salad/appetizer bar).  Is it rude for me to invite our friends out to this type of restaurant and expect them to pay?  I can't change to a less expensive restaurant since DH is so excited about it.

I'm going to include the prices in the evite, along with a link to the restaurant so they understand what they are getting into.  But do I need to specifically state that everyone is expected to pay for themselves or is that understood?  I also was trying to find a nice way to say I understand if they cant come due to the cost.  Any ideas?

martinilove

What about asking them to join you after dinner for drinks or drinks/dessert? 

That's a lot of money for them to spend on something that doesn't directly involve them.  They're looking at a minimum of $80 per couple and that's not even including drinks!

 

elissaann26

martinilove:

What about asking them to join you after dinner for drinks or drinks/dessert? 

That's a lot of money for them to spend on something that doesn't directly involve them.  They're looking at a minimum of $80 per couple and that's not even including drinks!

The problem with drinks afterwards is that I don't think DH is going to be up for going out after stuffing himself at dinner.  

Here's what I put in the invite.  I'm not sure if this makes a difference or not.

DH requested to celebrate his 30th birthday with a nice dinner at [brazilian steakhouse].  The thing he doesn't know is that I'm inviting you guys to join us!

If you've never been, [brazilian steakhouse] is a brazilian steakhouse that specializes in rodizio: 13 types of fire-roasted meat.  There are two dinner options: their enormous salad and appetizer bar ($27) and the salad/appetizer bar with unlimited rodizio meat (13 types) ($38).  The problem with unlimited meat is that it tends to get pricey, so I completely understand if this isn't your thing and you prefer to not join us.

The reservations will be for x:xxpm and I plan to arrive around x:xx with the birthday boy!

Absolutely no presents please!  Surprising DH will be the perfect gift!

kellygraham17

Our family has been in this situation before.  My dad's 50th birthday, my mom and us kids and our families took him out to an expensive dinner.  Mom felt like you do, she didn't want to ask people to spend that money, and couldn't afford to pay for everybody.  We went to dinner, just the immediate family, and invited friends and extended family to our house later for cake and ice cream.  Just the way our family does it, and it seems to be a good compromise.

kimnelson09

I think if you use the term "I'm inviting you..." then it's implied that you're hosting this event and are footing the expense.  It also depends on your group, though. 

Personally, my dad and I did this for my stepmom's birthday a few years ago and it was understood that he was paying for everyone.  If I were you, I would save the steakhouse for a dinner for two and do the friends thing separately somewhere less expensive.

wejustwant2:)

My understanding of restaurant etiquette is that whoever invites, pays. 

6fsn

Your invite is pretty clear you won't be paying.  It's a little late now to really be asking for advice, but I would have skipped the invite to the restaurant and had people back to the house for cake and drinks later.

Wingit

This topic comes up from time to time and it really seems to depend on your circle of friends.  However, I would avoid the term "invite" and instead ask that they "join" you out to dinner.

Fineleo31

I treat evites pretty informally so I would include the name of the restaurant and the going rates. People will let you know if they can do it or not. An after-party or pre-party would be good for those who can't afford it. An after-party might be better so they can spend as much time as they want. If they have enough time to plan, they should be able to manage.

movinup

I don't see a problem If they want to come they will, if they don't, they won't. I'm from the midwest though, I think things are less formal here. We always go out for people's birthdays and there is no thought of paying for everyone. Usually, everyone pays for themselves and they chip in for the birthday person so they don't have to pay for themselves.

krispylove

I would never assume that the host would pay for my meal at a birthday dinner!  I don't know what kind of formal friends you have, LOL!  In my group, we pay our own way no matter who invites us, and would most likely buy the birthday boy's drinks or dinner.  I think your wording sounds fine, and you set the expectation that everyone will foot their own tab.  I would probably leave out the part where it says you understand if they can't come due to money.  You don't want them to think that you are afraid they are broke.

orangeflavored

Wingit:

This topic comes up from time to time and it really seems to depend on your circle of friends.  However, I would avoid the term "invite" and instead ask that they "join" you out to dinner.

 

Yes! We also would say "meet us" or "meet up" for dinner. I know traditionally the one who "hosts" pays for everyone but I don't find that is true unless you are going out with older relatives like your parents or aunt and uncle and they pay. I don't see a lot peers paying for meals out for their friends. The occasional drink, yeah but not a whole meal.

Ready4theParty

krispylove:

I would never assume that the host would pay for my meal at a birthday dinner!  I don't know what kind of formal friends you have, LOL!  In my group, we pay our own way no matter who invites us, and would most likely buy the birthday boy's drinks or dinner.  I think your wording sounds fine, and you set the expectation that everyone will foot their own tab.  I would probably leave out the part where it says you understand if they can't come due to money.  You don't want them to think that you are afraid they are broke.

This.

Excitedtostart

Happy Birthday to DH!

I'm from NYC and I think the inite is fine. I would totally expect that if my DH and I were invited that we would be paying our own way, and would kick in for drinks for the birthday boy. I think it might matter where you live - different areas of the country might see this differently. You were clear that you didn't want gifts, that just coming out to dinner was the point of it. If you could go back in time I might have used the term 'join' instead of 'invite', and I would have left it at 'we understand if you can't join us' and left out the bit about price, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over this. You know your friends best, do you think they would misunderstand? Again, depending on where you live, this is a pretty normal price for a special night out for us, so I wouldn't worry. Enjoy!

liljace14

I think that if you haven't yet sent out the invite...don't.  With a "surprise party" I think it would be expected for the host to pay- I wouldn't pay to get in  to a party at your house or another venue... Perhaps that is just the way things are where I am from.  I think it would be better for you to have cake/drinks/ice cream/etc at your house or a bar or something, if you are worried DH wouldn't be up for it after your dinner then do it the next night with your pals.

JESS04169

I think you made it very clear that you are not paying and did so very tactfully so I would not be worried. I can say with my friends it has always been assumed that we would split the bill. Since the place is pricey I would suggest asking the steakhouse if you can bring in a cake for dessert. You would be surprised how many places will say yes! Or maybe buy a round of drinks for everyone to thank them for joining your celebration! Have a great time!

alioopsiedaisy

Wingit:

However, I would avoid the term "invite" and instead ask that they "join" you out to dinner.

this.  

ondrea

anohter vote for it totally depending on your friends.  In our group it's expected that everyone pays for their own food if we invite people out for dinner.  if it's a party at someone's house then the host provides everything.

holtzerjonas

I used to be of the train of thought of many of the posters here--people expect to pay their own way.  However, I find that as you get older things change.  I remember in college people would invite out a group for their birthday and it would be expected that everyone would pay their own way, plus split the cost for the birthday boy/girl.  Now I'm 29, and I'm starting to get invited to 30th birthday parties.  I don't know what the rule is for 30th birthday parties.  While no one expects someone in their early to mid 20s to foot the bill for a large group of people, 30 is the age where some people  can afford it.  I've been to 30th birthday parties that were hosted, and I've been to 30th birthday parties at bars where everyone paid for their own drinks.  I really think that either of those two are the way to go.  I think that because it was a 30th birthday party, and not just a regular "hey, let's all get together for dinner," if it were me I would not have planned it at a restaurant if I was not prepared to pay.  I wouldn't be put off or look down on someone who did though.