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MIL...Did I REALLY marry her too!?!?!?
OK so my MIL is pretty mean, manipulative, codependent, and the epitome of passive aggressive. It might sound exaggerated but it's definitely not. Even when DH and I were just dating she'd tell everyone in the family horrible things about me. So I had taken it upon myself to prove her wrong you know, "kill them with kindness" so I'd help with things around the house as she had divorced 4 years prior and still hasn't been able to get back on her feet (even with that 5.5k alimony check coming in every month) DH and I even helped pitch in financially.
Well, things got progressively worse when we got married as she threw fits at our wedding because her ex husband was there (even though she knew he would be). She seriously stormed out of our reception AT LEAST three times (from what I saw) trying to get my husband to leave the wedding and follow after her! Well before we left on our honeymoon we decided to stop by and say bye to family (as it was also fathers day we were going to go spend a couple hours with my dad afterwards) and we ended up spending 4 hours at her house only for her to be EXTREMELY nasty to me accusing me of talking bad about her, telling my husband to change his last name to mine, passing around a card for "the family" to sign but when i tried to pass it to my SIL for her she pulled it away and took it right back after she signed it. So when she refused to cut a cake so that we could leave to my dads we decided to pack up the car she came out yelling about how she's never been treated so poorly (talking about the wedding because the photographer took a picture of the family with his dad) and after hearing her scream about my family and how bad my DH was I cut her off and said that we love her, we want to help her, but the relationship was only going to go as far as she wanted it to go.
After that on our honeymoon DH received AT LEAST 15 (up to 32) emails a day saying nasty things like "you sure know how to pick em" and how I've destroyed her family along with tons of voicemails and text messages. When we got back I saw messages that she was telling my DH to go and stay at her house as if he and I were having problems already and then I also saw a message from DH that she was trying to make him feel like his marriage was a mistake. So I went over her house to help pick up some things and she was yelling about not letting me inside...Well, I was REALLY upset and ended up knocking on the door several times...she didn't respond and my DH let me in so I went outside the door that she locked herself behind and told her how I felt and that when I got married I became just as much a part of the family as she was and how the only person tearing the family apart was her with her nasty emails and so on...I was mean too but I was SICK and tired of her trying SO HARD to ruin my marriage! I sent her an email two weeks later apologizing and asking her to meet up to talk but never a response.
She hasn't spoken to me in three months. She'll dodge me at church and when I say hi she'll turn her head. It's REALLY getting old! We're supposed to be going up to our niece's baptism in Nov and she's trying to manipulate my DH to DRIVE 18 hours so she doesn't have to buy a flight but she's also trying to get me to stay home! I'm super nervous about her making a scene at the baptism but I'm not going to stay home just because she can't get over things! She caused scenes at MY WEDDING!!!!! She made me CRY on my honeymoon because her emails were SO NASTY! She tried to break up my marriage!!!
I know that this was long but I needed to vent 
Re: MIL...Did I REALLY marry her too!?!?!?
First of all, you just keep teaching her that it's okay to treat her however she wants. You keep going to her house, helping her out, saying hi to her, etc. What reason does she have to change her behavior?
Why was your husband checking his e-mail on your honeymoon? Why was he telling you about everything she was saying? Why is he still going to his mom's house and even considering driving her to the baptism? He clearly is not standing up for you.
I really don't understand why you went ahead and married your DH when he showed you that he was going to let his mother treat you badly without consequence.
Where you go from now depends on what you are willing to do. Are you willing to leave your husband if he refuses to stand up to his mother, or are you willing to resign yourself to a lifetime of this? You can't say "put me first or else" if there really is no "else".
I read this
OK so my MIL is pretty mean, manipulative, codependent, and the epitome of passive aggressive. It might sound exaggerated but it's definitely not. Even when DH and I were just dating she'd tell everyone in the family horrible things about me
And that was enough for me.
Why didn't you call it quits there and then?
So what has your H done about his mother? Nothing, I'll bet.
This, this, this.
you say she hasnt spoken to you in several months, if this was my MIL that would be exactly what I would want count your lucky stars and be happy!
eff her!
Your H needs to handle his insane mother
Yet another one..
Yes dear you did marry your MIL, because your H has no spine.
Yes dear you knew she was like this way before you married him. Pretty fairy wedding dust didn't change that fact.
Yes dear when you give into her tantrums you reinforce her behavior and give her more power and reason to do it again.
If you want things to change your H is going to have to stop being a doormat and expecting you to do the same.
No dear you do not have to be treated like crap by your MIL, but YOU haveto do something about it.
Ditto this!
Your MIL might have a lot of problems, but they are not YOUR problems to solve. You will always be the "bad guy" with her, even if you follow her around the house picking up after her and wiping her *ss when she uses the toilet. She will NEVER LIKE YOU! Stop trying with her. Focus your attention on the people in DH's family (and yours) that care about you and are nice to you.
She is "not speaking to you" at church because that is how she shows her power. You should be HAPPY that she is not speaking to you! Your goal from now on is to treat her like a co-worker you don't like....be polite when needed (like the baptism) but keep your distance and don't engage her crazy.
Your MIL is getting FAR more attention than she deserves by being a psycho.
As for your DH, he should change his email or block hers. Ditto with the phone. Tell him that if he takes his mom to that baptism to pack his bags and stay with her after he comes back.
Why did you even continue with this marriage before these issues were settled? You can't marry someone with an obvious mom issue and then expect everything to change after the fact.
There should have been a "I love you but your mother's behavior toward me has to stop, otherwise this wedding is not going to happen" talk waaay before the wedding planning even started. Your DH needs to grow a set and handle his mom.
To answer your original question, technically, when you marry someone you do marry their family... and any other baggage that comes with your spouse. The silver lining is, you don't have to put up with the baggage forever. You have the option to not let it affect your life. You just have to decide how to get rid of the baggage and I suggest you and your H do that with a united front. Otherwise it will drive bitterness and resentment into your marriage. The two of you need to come together and confront his mom. Explain to her that her behavior is unacceptable, what her consequences will be if she doesn't knock it off... and then stick with it FFS. If you tell her to knock it off or all contact stops, the next time she bad mouths you, all contact should cease until you get a heartfelt apology and you have both forgiven her. If your H isn't willing to do this, then you know where you stand... second to his mom... and you need to decide what to do from there. Do you want to always be second fiddle to his mom, or do you want a husband who will appreciate you and put you first?
And dood... WTF is your H doing checking his email on your honeymoon? We were on our honeymoon during Thanksgiving Day, a legitimate family holiday... nobody called us and we weren't calling anyone or checking emails. We were busy. You don't answer your phone or check emails on your honeymoon FFS.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Am I reading this correctly - you went to her house and she tried to lock you out so you had to knock several times before your H let you in? Why did your H enter the house without you? Why did your H enter the house at all if she was talking like that? Like pps said - you have a H problem.
He should not be checking emails on honeymoon. He should not be showing you the content of her hateful diatribes. He needs to tell his mom to stop being rude to his wife and stop saying nasty things about his wife or he won't be spending time with his mom.
And be thankful she is not speaking to you. When you go to church, just pretend she is some distant acquaintence - a polite nod and smile and find your seat. Stop giving her help. FFS, stop giving her money.
Your DH has to stand up for you. He needs to tell his mother that until she starts treating you with respect he will not be there for her. She doesnt have to like you but she does need to treat you nicer. A simple hello when she sees you, a pleasant goodby when you leave, and she shouldnt be saying mean nasty things about you.
Until your DH makes it clear to her that treatment other than tha will not be accepted, it will continue.
And if it does continue after he tells her that, he should just stop reading her e-mails, stop taking calls from her and stop contact all together.
Yes, you and your husband definitely need to get on the same page. That is the only thing that is going to make this better. The way your MIL treats you probably will not change, but how you and your husband handle her does need to change. This will save your marriage. Otherwise, you are going to turn hateful to your MIL and resentful toward your husband.
Also, why do you want her to talk to you? Previously when she would talk to you she would say nasty and hurtful things. That is not going to change. Her giving you the silent treatment is a blessing in disguise. Be thankful that she is not talking to you because you KNOW that if she was, it would be nasty and hurtful!
And what did your DH do about it then? And if he didn't fix it before you married him, why did you think he'd fix it after marriage?
And what did your DH do when she stormed out, I'm guessing he went running after her to get her to stay, didn't he? So your DH sent his reception focusing on mom instead of wife, right?
And how did your DH respond when his mom starting being nasty to you? And why didn't you leave the second she started being nasty?
WhyTF was your DH checking e-mail on your honeymoon? WhyTF did he read any after the first e-mail instea dof just deleting them unread? WhyTF di he show them all to you? He really wanted his new wife to be upset and pissed off on your honeymoon? And you didn't file for an annulment from this jerk immediately?
So instead of your DH telling her to back off, he tried to reason with her? You married a gem there.
A) Why exactly, after all the previous crap, did *you* go to her house? Why didn't you let your DH pick the stuff up, tell her that he was not going to accept her behavior toward his wife and that he would not put up with it and would not deal with her as long as she didn't respect that? Of yeah, beacause he isn't going to pick his wife over his mom.
b) WTF is your DH doing in the house if you were locked out? WhyTF aren't you mad at him for being an assphat here? Why would you want to marry someone that treats you like this?
So, let me guess, your spineless, momma's boy of a DH is still communicating with her even though she's treating you like *** and not speaking to you? And again, why exactly do you want to be married to this assphat?
And your DH is allowing her to do it--and yet, you are only focusing on being angry with her and not at the real problem here, the fact that your DH's inability to detach himself from her apron strings and grow a spine of his own is ruining your marriage.
Why, why, why would you chose to marry into this when you clearly knew this is what life with your DH would be like? Let me guess, you thought the magic ring would snip the apron strings and give your DH a spine, didn't you?
Why is your husband -- for a nanosecond -- tolerating this behavior from his mother?
Why can he not say to her, "Mom, I will not permit you to behave disrespectfully to my wife," and leave/hang up/delete the email?
And ditto the "why was he checking emails and voicemails on your honeymoon" question. DH and I took our honeymoon over Christmas. We called his family and my family on Christmas morning to wish them a Merry Christmas. Both calls took a grand total of ten minutes. By not turning his phone off, he ALLOWED his mother to invade your honeymoon. Just like he ALLOWED her to lock you out of the house. And he ALLOWED her to make your wedding reception all about her.
She throws tantrums and says awful things and behaves badly BECAUSE IT WORKS. So...make it stop working.
As others have said this really boils down to your H's behavior and not your MIL's behavior. Your H is allowing your MIL to act this way and treat you this way. And your behavior is also reinforcing her. The fact that you and your husband help her financially is absolutely ridiculous. You are essentially paying her to treat you like crap. You need to put your foot down and stop being a doormat and your H needs to man up and stand up to his mother. Otherwise this will continue for the rest of your marriage.
1. How is DH responding and what is HE doing.
2. Cut her off. Stop killing her with kindness. That's enough.
Yeah, it must feel SOOOO good to be able to direct this anger at your MIL, instead of the place where it REALLY belongs. Your H is allowing all of this to happen. So although your MIL is obviously a raging b1tch, SHE didn't make vows to you... your H did. And he's doing a piss poor job of acting like a husband.
And quite frankly, I couldn't ever sleep with a man who kow-towed to his mother the way yours does. My vagina would sew itself shut.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Completely.
I think I might have one of those self-sealing vaginas too.
So the question really is, what are YOU going to do about the fact that you are married to a man who allows anyone to treat you so badly??
You know, at this point it's not even really a MIL or H problem. Once you said "I do," it became a YOU problem. Unless you really did think your husband's wedding ring was infused with magic fairy dust and he would sprout a pair of balls and a spine as soon as the preacher-man prounounced you man and wife, you knew exactly what you were signing up for when you took those vows; you really have nobody to blame here but yourself.