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Update
Original post: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/43291825.aspx
I talked to my mom a few more times since this post and nothing has been worked out yet. I guess what is just so difficult for me to understand is that this behavior of hers is totally out of character for her and I cannot seem to be logical or have her be understanding at all. For example, DH's fam decided they wanted to join my fam for Thanksgiving since we were not coming home for Christmas. They were already invited back when we booked, but declined. I was hesitant to have them stay in the same cabin we were renting with my family because it would be cramped, but my mom was not hesitant at all. She was willing to give up her bedroom and sleep on a pull out so that DH's family didn't have to be spread out through out the house and so they wouldn't be sharing spaces with ppl they didn't know. DH's family ended up renting their own cabin, but my mom was the one encouraging them to come and stay with us during that time.
Well with this case when I called my mom to tell her DH suggested his sister join us for Christmas (no one was invited, just a thought). She was very negative. She asked me why his sister didn't come over the summer and said what kind of 14yr old wouldnt want to be with their parents for the holidays. She went on to say how she didnt know how well behaved his sis is (she is an angel, very shy, quiet, polite) and that she didn't want SIL to run back to DH's family and talk about how much money my family has.
I was completely taken aback by these negative comments and got very defensive and told her if SIL wasn't welcome then we wouldnt be coming for Christmas. She feels that by me saying this is my way of blackmailing her into getting what I want. The thing is, I don't even know what I do want, so I'm not sure what she thinks that is.
I know that its not ideal to invite SIL after we had been invited to grandparents, but I also never in a million years would have asked if I thought my mom would act like this. She is usually very welcoming and understanding. Also if my grandparents knew about this, they would gladly invite SIL, but my parents do not ever like to ask them for anything. Even if she doesn't think that SIL coming is a good idea, that is fine, what I am upset about is the way she is handling it all and I have a hard time understanding why she is so angry about it. The last 2 times we have talked, she ended up screaming at me and hanging up on me.
I have tried to talk to my mom logically and told her I was really just calling for her opinion on what DH asked and was hoping we could just talk and try and figure something out that would work. Usually I talk to my mom about everything and she is great about helping me come up with solutions that benefit everyone. I also told my mom, I wasn't upset she didn't think it was a good idea for SIL to come, I understood her reasoning, but what I dont understand is her negativity towards his sister, who she barely met 2 times. She went on to say that maybe I shouldnt tell her about DH's family anymore, and I now realize that since I do vent to her when things are bothering me, she is forming very negative opinions on them, which is very unlike her (or at least she never let on before)
I have told my mom pretty much everything for years and she has always helped me see another side and understand another point of view. Don't get me wrong, DH's family isn't like mine at all, they have some major issues with money and 2 of his brothers are in some serious trouble. They also cannot commit to anything and drive me nuts some of the time, but we don't live near them, only see them about 2 times per year and when I'm around them they are great.
I know when my gf's call me and are fighting with their DH that they usually only tell me the bad things and don't call me everytime they do something great. My mom does the same thing about my Dad, when he drives her nuts, she vents to me, but obviously I know my dad isn't like that all the time!
I guess at this point, I'm not sure what to do. I have spoken to my mom 3 times about this and she refuses to even listen to my side. She thinks I only want my way (which I don't even know what that is?- I had suggested several things from just having Christmas at our house or SIL joining us at grandparents). She has also said several times that her, my dad and grandparents are going to the vacation house and if we can join, great if not, she doesn't care. I think if she could act reasonable about this, instead of screaming at me and being so angry about this, then I would still want to join them for Christmas. I also feel bad because I do want to see my grandparents and dad, and my real mom instead of this crazy person that she is acting like. She also refuses to talk about it, each time in the convo when I tried to bring it up, she would just get so angry and say negative things about SIL, I asked her why she thought so poorly of SIL and she said well look at her parents!! My mother is also a teacher at a very poor school and works with students who are great kids, but have terrible families and is always talking about how sad it is, so this behavior is very unusual of her.
DH is being amazing about all this, but I cannot get over how my mom is acting. SIL can come at another time, it was just a suggestion of his, but now I do not want to be around my mother for the holidays bc all I will be able to think about his how nasty and selfish she is being right now. I don't even know how to more forward for this. DH also spoke with his sister and thinks her coming over her SB would be better anyways (he didn't mention Christmas to her), but because of how my mom acted about it and her refusal to admit anything is wrong with her behavior makes me not even want to be around her.
Re: Update
Sorry- I didn't read the 2nd half. But here are my thoughts. I didn't put 2 and 2 together that you were the Thanksgiving trip person. I think your mom was trying to be nice and accomodating, but I think you are NOW seeing her true feelings about it.
She's pissed off over the THanksgiving thing and I think she sees your IL's as people who invite themselves to stuff and overinvite (i.e. adding more people). She probably thinks that if she says "yes" to SIL, then suddenly DH's entire family will want to come and then you all will be in the same place you were w/ the Thanksgiving fiasco.
Honestly, knowing that you're one in the same as the Thanksgiving situation, I'm kind of more understanding your moms side on this.
You say:
Usually I talk to my mom about everything and she is great about helping me come up with solutions that benefit everyone.
I think after THanksgiving, your mom has reached her limit. Between that and probably knowing too much about your IL's, she's kind of "done". SHE isn't being benefitted here. You are, your DH is, his SIL is. Same thing w/ |Thanksgiving. It was all about "how can we accomodate his family".
I think she's tired of accomodating his family at her own expense.
I'll be curious as to what others say. I'm kind of leaning, now, towards you telling your mom "you're right- Xmas should just be us. We never invited SIL and we won't." and then later, at another time, talk to her again about her attitude and her yelling. I think hyou need to remove what is the trigger in all of this if you want to get anywhere w/ her. She probably feels backed in a corner.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I totally agree that this is how she's feeling and I understand. I never thought it was a great idea to invite his sister because of the reasons that you had mentioned. I could forsee additional people being invited and it becoming a giant mess. My mom usually says I always think the worst of things so I figured I would run it by her. I am not upset that she doesnt want SIL there, I'm upset about her anger towards SIL and how she cannot calmly talk to me about all of this. I will take your advice and try and talk to her about this as two different issues.
I am inclined to agree with ECB here. Not that your mother's behavior isn't inappropriate, but her feelings on the matter make sense to me. She has tried to accommodate your in-laws only to be taken advantage of. I don't blame her for wanting to keep some distance - especially on a holiday. I'm sure it isn't personal regarding your SIL, but she has a point - why would the girl leave her own family for Christmas? She's just a kid! Your mom is going to conclude, validly, that the rest of the family will want to come. They've established a history of that with the Thanksgiving fiasco.
Again, I am leaning toward agreeing with your mom. However, she has overreacted. Give it some more time, then discuss the reaction, not the issue.
Your mom simply reached her breaking point. She has always been the calm one, giving you advice, etc. But, this is the last straw for her. Sounds like she has been holding it in and she's snapped. Holidays can be stressful enough without adding in this situation. Allow her to be upset, and then deal with it. She's human, after all!
Do you have to run everything by your mom? Is it b/c it is her parents?
I would have Christmas at the condo (without SIL) and NY at home with your SIL.
I can see that your mom has reached her breaking point, but at the same time, she got to see you at Thanksgiving, and now Christmas, and in the summer you're spending your vacation with her! That's a LOT of time with your family.
I would also say that aside from your other problems with your ILS, it's annoying to make plans and then constantly have to change them for "last minute additions." If you had ALWAYS planned on having SIL over, it would be one thing. She could have been taken into consideration while your mom was thinking of things. But it's another case of "oh, great idea! But I'm going to miss my family, so let's invite them, too!" And it always seems to be that your dh really doesn't miss anybody enough to plan a vacation to see them (grandparents being #1 example, SIL being the latest - - she did have all summer to visit), but after someone else has done all of the arranging, he suddenly gets meloncholy.
Next year, I'd divide your holidays and say Thanksgiving is for your family, plan your Christmas around his, and then switch. Or have a TRUE holiday at home, invite everyone, and if your parents want to go to the condo, tell them Merry Christmas on the phone.
No, I don't have to run everything by my mom, but I usually talk to her about most things. And no, the grandparents in this situation are my dads, who will not be at Thanksgiving.
I do agree it is annoying to make last min additions like at Thanksgiving, it annoyed the crap out of me as well. However for Christmas, nothing has really been planned yet. When DH and I told everyone that we weren't going home for Christmas, my parents and grandparents suggested that we spend it at the condo and we agreed that sounded like fun.
I do agree about DH. I did ask him if he thought his family would like to join for Thanksgiving and he said no, casually mentioned it to them when we booked and they said no. He also can only invite one side of the family so basically we have 3 families to see over the holidays. We did see his family this past July, but his sister was not able to visit due to sports this summer. When we decided not to go home for Christmas is when his family wanted to come for Thanksgiving.
Moving forward, you and DH need to figure out what it is that the two of you want to do. Set your plans w/ one family or the other, or just yourselves, then stick to it. If YOU want to invite everyone to your house for the holidays, great. But you have to stop making plans w your family to turn around and then invite his.
ANd HE needs to figure out before you set plans w/ your family what he wants to do. As in - invite SIL BEFORE you make other plans. Not the other way around.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You know, there is no rule anywhere that says your family and his family have to be "one big happy" for all subsequent holidays.
To be perfectly honest, your in-laws sound like nuts. You're juggling multiple families on that side and none of them seem to have their act together. If I'd been yanked around on something like that the way your mother was, I'd be at my breaking point too, especially if on top of that, you dropped the "let me invite my teenage SIL to our family's Christmas" idea.
Put yourself in your mother's shoes for a minute. She's tried to be accommodating, but this whole Thanksgiving fiasco turned into an utter cluster-you-know-what, and I guarantee it's caused her some angst. And you like to vent to her about your DH's crazy family. So all she sees or knows of them is that they're disorganized, inconsiderate, last-minute, demanding people. And you want to drag them into her Christmas plans as well? If you were my daughter, I'd probably have let you have it with both barrels a lot sooner. It sounds like your mom is one of those people who grins and bears it until she's just fed up, and she finally is.
From now on, make plans with your family and his family SEPARATELY. Your mom dealt with having to integrate her family and her in-laws years ago; she isn't responsible, nor should she be, for integrating your in-laws into your family celebrations as well.