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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can we discuss
leaving your husband because he cannot have kids.
I'm curious what other will think, and I didn't feel like trying to hash this out on ML. I can't imagine being in that position. It has to be amazingly difficult and heart breaking, but I just can't fathom choosing to end an otherwise amazing marriage without exploring adoption or sperm donation. I don't judge her decision because she's obviously put a lot of thought into it. It's just not something I can relate to.
Re: Can we discuss
I don't understand either. I wish she would tell her friggin story about why she won't go with sperm donation.
I also don't understand not pursuing all options available with the person you chose to marry. What if the tables had been turned and she was the one that couldn't have kids?
It would be very different if the husband changed his mind and decided he no longer wanted kids, that I can see leaving over... but this I don't understand.
Maybe I don't have a heightened sense of smell, but I've never smelled any vagina on my pants. -- TSD
Bloggity Blog - You know you want to...
Yeah, she does seem open, but I'm more interested in the thoughts of others here since I still don't really know a lot of them.
I'm also really curious why sperm donation is completely not an option. I know this is easy for me to say since we were able to conceive easily, but I would ultimately choose Zane over kids if that had been my lot. It would have broken my heart to not be able to have kids, but I would not be willing to give him up because of it.
I would not walk away from my marriage if we found out my husband could not have kids. We actually discussed this when we were still dating after a family friend was going thru hell with fertility treatments. As much as we want to be parents, there are other ways to do so. I could not imagine giving up my best friend and partner just to have a biological child, no matter how sad I would be that we could not have one.
There is a story there. It has to be bad or she is just making it up because she doesn't want to do it.
But someone brought up the point that if she was going to have someone else's kid anyway, why not raise it with her H and I think that is a good point.
I often think people who won't adopt because they cannot have biological children have some weird hangup about having to have a pregnancy or a child that is theirs. But who knows.
She keeps saying that it is unfair to the other person in the marriage to not get what they want and be unhappy. That may be. But she makes it sound like they love eachother so much and could never love another as much. It sounds like she is setting herself up to not love someone else as much. And....is it really fair to marry and have kids with someone who she doesn't love when someone she loves so much is still out there? Is it fair to her kids to raise them with someone she doesn't truely love?
So this begs the question "Do you think you could love another person as much as your husband?" Was it just that you met your husband first? Could you be equally happy with someone else?
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
That's hard to answer. The guy that I was with before Zane and I were really happy. I loved him very much, but we ultimately broke up because we realized we had different goals for our lives and would never be able to make those goals mesh.
Once I started dating Zane, I realized just how perfect we are together. I would have been happy married to the other guy, but it would never have even come close to what I have with Zane.
If, god forbid, Zane were to die, I would eventually try to move on with my life and find happiness again. I honestly don't know how I would find happiness with someone else knowing that Zane was still alive and the only reason we weren't together is he couldn't have a child.
edit: I used happy/happiness entirely too much in this monologue.
I don't know the backstory here, but that's what I was going to say.
It's a tough situation. When we were having trouble getting pregnant, we talked a little about adoption, but I don't think that would have been for us. I really wanted a baby who was half F's DNA, half mine. Maybe that's a hangup, but that was my urge.
I'd bet there's more to the story. I just can't see ending an otherwise happy marriage without be willing to explore adoption or sperm donation and coming to a compromise that both people would be happy with.
If there's not more to the story, I think it's a shame that they didn't discuss it before marriage. If having kids is a dealbreaker, it seems to me that you'd want to marry someone for whom having a family is just as important.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
wingedbride: So this begs the question "Do you think you could love another person as much as your husband?" Was it just that you met your husband first? Could you be equally happy with someone else?
Yes. I don't think I'd have the same relationship with someone else, or the same chemistry, and I'd be devastated if I had to go looking for any reason, but if something happened to Jimmy or to us, I think there's a good chance that I could find happiness elsewhere. Unless they couldn't give me babies.
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
Currently facing the fact that we may not be able to have children because of Tony's issues, I find this so sad. I would love to be a mom but Tony comes first. How horrible would she fee if it were her that couldn't have children? So sad.
I definitely would not have left my husband for those reasons. Sperm donation (if he was on board) or adoption would have been fine as long as we were in it together.
I can't imagine being happier with someone else than I am with Andy. I loved before him, and was happy before him, but the fact that he puts so much effort into making me happy and that the things that are important to me are important to him is what makes us a happier married couple than I would have been with someone else.
I don't see how divorce will help her concieve a child.
I don't think there is only one man/woman for each person. I'm ridiculously happy with my H but if it something happened and I found myself looking for someone else I'm sure there are several people I could be very happy with. The relationship would be different than with my H, but I think it I could be happy.
I also believe that there is not just one person out there for everybody. I adore Mr. Spiderman and don't want to find someone else, but I'm sure there are a handful of people out there that would also make a good mate. There are different sides to everybody's personalities and different people can brings those out of you.
Since we both entered the marriage not wanting kids and I have since changed my mind, I am faced with the possibility that he may not ever plant both his feet onto the Want To Conceive train platform with me. And if that happens, so be it. I've told him a number of times that I married him and he is my #1 most important person. I'd love to have a baby, but I would rather be married to him than have a baby. I just can't relate to someone who wants a baby more than they want to be with their husband because I've never felt that way.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
As would I. Loving a kid should not be completely about biology. I don't think it's selfish to want to have a biological child, but if you cannot, why not give your love to another child that needs it.
I love my husband and I feel we were made for eachother in many ways. But I would think if something happened, I would try to find someone again.
The thing that makes me suspicious is that she said that even if she could change her mind it would be unfair to change his (about adoption/sperm donation). It seemed odd to say that.
Well, if he loves her so much why would he not change his mind to keep her?
I don't understand not discussing the possibility of infertility before marriage. I don't understand feeling that happiness absolutely requires becoming a parent only to a kid that has your DNA. I would not leave my H in this situation unless, as others have said, he was unwilling to explore with me the possibilities of adoption or sperm/egg donation (though I don't think I would have married him in the first place if he was unwilling to do this).
Re winged's question, I don't believe there's just one mate for everyone, so yes, it's possible I could be with someone else, and the same goes for my H.
Word, sister.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
As much as I love F I don't think he's the only man in the world who could make me happy.
My mother has a friend whose husband died suddenly about 15 years ago. She was in her 50s at the time, and started dating again about a year after George died. She eventually re-married and told my mom she considered it a testament to George: she loved being in love so much that she didn't want to spend the rest of her life NOT in love.
I haven't read the post because it's ML, and it's 10:53 EST, which means it's on page 5 by now. But is he the one who is not willing to go the sperm donation or adoption route?
If they went into the marriage both wanting children and he pulled the plug on that because of biology, I can see leaving someone for that.
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
She did say he would be happy finding a woman with small children that he could be a father to, because he would be an awesome dad. So I don't see raising children that aren't biologically his, his issue.
This whole situation seems screwed up to me, I could never imagine biological children being more important than my marriage. But I've never been in her shoes yadda, yadda.
Neither are willing to go that route groomz?
I didn't realize they were 26, married at 21. That makes it make more sense to me. 21 year olds probably don't have the good ol' "what if life doesn't turn out exactly as we envision" conversations. I'm not even sure most 26 year olds have really figured out that life throws you a lots of punches and you have to learn to roll with them. Is she going to ask the next guy for a sperm count to go with the engagement ring?
I also think that dating in your late 20s is a lot different than dating at twenty when there were bunches of great SINGLE guys. At 30+, I've realized how fortunate I am to have found a good man who shares my beliefs and interests to spend my life with. So, there's not a lot that would lead me to think the grass is greener.