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Ok Please Help! I am so Hurt.
Ok let me start off by saying I am an AE.
This is NOT MUD as much as I wish it was.
My DH and have been married for 2yrs and we have a 3mo old daughter. Great marriage open communication great sex a little slow since the baby but still great.
Well last night I had to work and I got off at 6am. I got home and hubby got ready for work and left as usual. I decide to get on the computer to nest for a few minutes before I go to bed. I open up the laptop and there are 2 gay porn sites up and an IM screen with a whole convo about what he wanted to do to this guy along with details.
I am mortified and I keep rereading this to see if its just a popup but its not.
I text DH and told him that we need to talk and when he called I told him what I found. Long story short he admitted he's done it before and he feels like its because he was molested by his uncle when he was a kid.
I told him I wanted him to get help he said hes not ready to deal.
I am numb.
I am at a loss and need advice, opinions, something
sorry about the formatting 1ht.
Re: Ok Please Help! I am so Hurt.
I would be mortified too. But if your DH has some sexual desires he himself wants to play out- and is too arfraid to be open with... sit down and talk to him about it and ask him how you could help, what you can do together to subside his urges to want another man.
All you can do is love him and accept him, and if you can't then I don't know what to tell you... except don't let rage get the best of you.
I'd cry, I'd feel dirty and used, I'd be distraught... but there isn't anything you can do to change what has already happend.
Don't force him into anything, don't make fun of him, and just be open minded and maybe open sexually with him to try new things that "get him off" who knows- it could put a new light in your marriage and open him up to you more than he already has.
Thanks for the reply!
I would never make fun of him. I love him more than anything and I have tried to talk to him and let him know that he is not "dirty" or "bad" and I would be more than willing to try new things to help him explore his "desire" for lack of a better word.
He is just so ashamed right now and I am lost. I want to help him but I don't know how and he says he cant tell me how or what he needs. My heart breaks for him because I want him to see that he is not a bad person and his interest in this is ok and I am not going to judge or think less of him.
I just don't know how to deal with everything right now.
Wow...I cant believe the adivce do what you can to make this easier on him and maybe help him out with his desires?? REALLY??? WTF?
He was having cyber sex with someone other than his wife!!! I do not care if it is a man or a woman. He was telling someone else he wanted to F him!!!
He derserves to be treated like any other man or woman who is having an inappropriate sexual relationship when they are married!!!
You can love him all you want but he was cheating on you. You can want things to work out all you want but how could you trust someone who was having cyber sex with someooneother than you?
You want to help him? wow
I have to agree with other posters. It's still cheating whether it be with a man or woman but if your willing to work it out I'm not going to judge you.
First: If he really is telling the truth about the Uncle molesting him then he needs to work this out with a professional. Guys are typically embarrassed and weird about opening up. They are so afraid of being judged especially by other men. Just let him know your there for him and how much you love him.
Second: You need to let him know that if he wants to continue this marriage the sex chatting needs to stop now and that he has severely damaged your trust in him. I also suggest couples counseling.
Third: If you're open minded you can explore other avenues. My H was so embarrassed about certain fantasies (not about men) that he had kept them from me for a long time. Once he finally opened up to me and realized I was fine with it he was thrilled. We made a trip to the sex store, bought a few toys and had fun with it. I must say that although I was fine with it, it took him almost a year to be open and okay with it himself. Also, through some research we found that this has become somewhat common among young men and that there are support sites that also provide instructions and tips.
He's cheating, thinks he has issues from sexual abuse yet doesn't want to get help, and is gay besides. I don't see much hope for this marriage.
As an aside, "mortified" is a synonym for humiliated, not horrified.
Get an HIV test. Stat. Do not have sex with him again.
Bottom line, he's cheating on you. I don't care if his Uncle molested him (sad as that is), he does not get to use his past abuse as an excuse for being unfaithful in his marriage. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but being molested by someone of the same sex does not make someone become gay. They're either born that way, or not.
Again, correct me if I'm wrong.
Interesting. I know a LOT of lesbians who would disagree with this statement.
I disagree. While he may not be homosexual in the true sense of the word, being molested alters your sexual desires as an adult. It's normal to play out in your mind how you were molested as a child. Some people take on the role of their molestor, and some continue to take on the role as the abused in these fantasies.
Moving on... cyber sex with anyone is cheating.
He needs to come clean with you if he is in fact gay, or just likes to masterbate to this sometimes. If so, gay porn would be okay in my mind but not cyber sex.
Wow...I hate to say this but I kind of agree with you here. I understand that there are some underlying issues that you said with an uncle. That is something else entirely. Many people have been thru molestation or trauma as a child and are not infaithful. Something else that i have not seen visited here is this....has he ever experimented with another man, is there any possiblility of an std or something? I get the supporting spouse thing, I really so but I would feel betrayed cyber sex is cyber sex be it with man, women, dog or anything.....you can ask him how he were to feel if it were the other way around and he found you doing the same thing (NOT with a girl) ...You need to figure some stuff out and if you dont make a big enough deal out of this it is just gonna be a step farther next time... good luck and I am sorry you have to go thru this!
already have battled with DH talking to HS girls, so different matter but same amount of hurt finding messages between them. i told him he either better quit or hide it better, because i was tired of it, and if theres anything i cant give him that she can then he'd never see his son in this lifetime, and we went through marriage counseling and i was on zoloft. the only thing id change would have been my temper. thats why i gave that advice. and being sexually molested at a young age really messes with you. i know a few people who have opened up to me, and it messes with your pride and sense of being.
Oh and the divorce rate in this country is so high to begin with- i dont think you should add to it because of something like that- for better or worse. you both made those vows and if one person isnt ready to give up then you shouldnt end it, it's when both people just lose complete interest and absolutely hate each other you should. but it sounds like she wants to fix it ladies, so positive advice is what she needs. not advice to dump him to the curb. he's a human being and they make mistakes. no one is perfect and we all have our darkness. so if he is guided to a better point in his life they can get through it and put it in the past. The last thing their daughter needs is when she's a teenager finding out her mom left her dad because he wanted to have sex with a man.
What a tough situation. I agree, get tested asap.
Something I am taking from your post is that YOU are trying to fix or work on the situation when it is HIM who owes it to you. He cheated and at this point he needs to be the one doing the work like looking for a counselor. He is on gay websites and having cybersex with men. Can you truly live with that?
If you still want to stay and he is truly serious about marriage, then he will get help. If he does not, move on.
Good luck!
No, the last thing their daughter needs is to learn that it is ok for a man to cheat on a woman and have it ok so they dont become another statistic.
It is never ok for a person to cheat no matter what excuse they give. Not to mention that the guy might be gay, but hey as long as they dont divorce its ok everything is great.
This is really sad. I am sorry this happened to you.
First things first: DO NOT have sex or sexual activity with him and go get tested for STD's IMMEDIATELY!!! HIV as well. Have a whole work up. This is nothing to sit around about. Seriously. DO it for your child.
2nd This is cheating. Man or woman. It does not matter.
3rd get yourself a lawyer since he is not interested in getting help with this. The longer you draw this out.... the worse it will be.
4th: Get yourself a support system. Family, Friends, and I would even go as far to say maybe you should see a Counselor as well. Dealing with this in addition to just having a baby is a lot of stress.
Again, I am truly sorry that you just found this out. It is awful. But at least you know and can move forward with your life. I am sorry about your H being molested. That is awful. BUT he will continue to do the gay porn. He is not interested in getting counseling probably because he is gay. Sorry.
It will be hard. But you will get through it. PLEASE get tested for std's like tomorrow.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Wait, what?
My Blog
Molested by an uncle as a kid but wow...he's potentially exposing YOU to lots of STDs. You have no clue or assurance if he hasn't gotten physical with these men yet.
I can only suggest show him the door; an adulterer is an adulterer whether he is gay, bi or straight and a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker.
And what he has done is a dealbreaker.
Get yourself tested also. And please give thought to having the marriage annulled; I believe marriage to a partner who is gay is grounds for annullment.
And why this is okay with you is mindblowing and asking for disaster:
I would be more than willing to try new things to help him explore his "desire" for lack of a better word.
He is just so ashamed right now and I am lost. I want to help him but I don't know how and he says he cant tell me how or what he needs. My heart breaks for him because I want him to see that he is not a bad person and his interest in this is ok and I am not going to judge or think less of him.
Suppose he was straight and wanted to have sex with other women??? Would that all of a sudden NOT be permissible???
Show him the door. Get thee to an attorney and file -- and get your finances ready also; make sure that your money's safe and that he cannot access it.
You also don't know if that is true about the molestation -- and no, he would not "turn gay" because a male molested him. Somehow I get the idea he's covering up for the fact he's gay and made up the uncle story.
NONE of this would be okay with me and I would NOT "help him" with his desires. Again, he needs to go. Sorry for your troubles.:(
This is just messed up, effed up, ucked fup, twisted and just wrong on all levels!!!
You are saying that this is just a blip on the radar?? "no one is perfect"??? Save that sentiment for somebody who forgets an anniversary or who forgets to take the theatre ticket with him to the theatre!!!!
You are suggesting they stay together...okay, then that youngster will grow up in a horribly dysfunctional marrage; she will know from an early age on that Daddy doesn't like women -- yes, she will pick up ON IT in the way all kids pick up when something is horrible at home.
And think of what that will teach her about men in general.
She3p, you are an absolute fecking moron. Stupidest stupid of the stupid.
Do you really think her 14 yr old daughter is gonna say "Mooooom! Is it true you left Dad because he liked to suck d!ck?!??! That is so unfair! ::footstomp::. How dare you have some self respect and expect him to honor your wedding vows!".
And just to reiterate, you are stupid. Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupid.
It's only 21 years old, Puppies And.
And you know how it is with those 21 year olds, gosh, they have such a world of wisdom that accompanies their ripe old age. Totally mature.
You are the LAST person who should be doling out advice. Wow...just wow. Congrats on being miserable married to a cheating douche. But at least you're not adding to the divorce rate!
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
I should have known since she named her kid Rylan.
Ok, relax. You probably don't have an STD, but just to be safe and to ease your mind, it never hurts to get tested.
I agree with the 'cheating' part. I agree with treating this situation as though he has broken the trust that was between you two. However. Every person and every situation is different. If you want to try and work through this, great! But please remember that it cannot be just YOU that is trying to work past this issue. HE needs to WANT to work through it just as much as you.
If you both succeed at moving on with your relationship, the message you are sending to your child is just that: a strong relationship can get past huge mountains, as well as small bumps.
IF you both take measures to move on and get past this, and he still is being unfaithful (which is a possibility, and is why I stress that he needs to be just as invested as you in working past this), then yes, your child will eventually pick up on what is going on and may or may not have a good outlook on what healthy relationships entail.
While it is important to think of your child, remember that children are incredibly resilient. Put yourself first in this situation, and decide what is best for YOU. You said you wanted to help him and move past this, fantastic... just be prepared for his unwillingness to cooperate.
I wish you luck, and I'll be praying for you. You said the two of you have good communication, that is already a step in the right direction!
That's not even a name. That kid will constantly have his name mispronounced and misspelled.
She3p: your H was talking to HS girls, really? Nice to kinow.
You are staying with a guy that has been trying to hook up with teenage girls. On top of it you turn your back to it. Oh my you are a piece of work. If that were me no one would be seeing hide nor hair of my H again. You both are sick.
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not take any advice for this poster. She has some major issues and some seriously fuucked up veiws of what wives should tolerate in their marriages.
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here