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Absolutely NO foreplay...
I'm not sure what to do anymore. Last night my husband wanted to have sex. Foreplay about a minute of persistent kissing to "seduce" me (because I really was NOT in the mood). That was it. Nothing else to get warmed up! The actual act last about 20-30 seconds (no exaggeration). I'm just frustrated because I never get any foreplay even though I've told him that I need it, especially considering he can't last very long. He is a recovering alcoholic (hasn't had a drink in about 3 yrs) so I don't know if some of his issues have anything to do with that. Sometimes I honestly think that he doesn't know how to be intimate without being drunk. Has anybody else had any experiences with sober alcoholics sexually?
I used to want to get it on all of the time, but now I'm to the point where I could care less if it ever happens again. He only wants to mess around about once a month, so at least I don't have to deal with it often, but it makes me really sad that this is what our relationship has come to. I feel like I've just completely given up. Before my ideal was to have sex at least 4-6 times a week so I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with this. Anybody have any helpful suggestions?
Re: Absolutely NO foreplay...
You need to have a serious discussion with him and not when you are initiating sex. You need to explain that you need more and exactly what you need. You don't need to get vulgar or explicit (unless that's how you roll), but you need to be clear - breast/nip stimulation, clitoral stimualtion, oral (mutual), dirty talk, whatever you think will help.
Also, you could try some dress-up/role play. The role-play conversation and "activities" can create a natural foreplay period to get you aroused.
So, your H basically uses your body as a masturbatory aid. Sorry, that sucks. He isn't making love with you, he's using your vagina for a quick release. To me, this would indicate that he must not love me very much, but I'm sure others would disagree.
I would do what PP suggested, and have a serious talk. Then, do not have sex with him again until he demonstrates a complete 180 in his efforts.
Yeah, time for a come-to-Jesus talk with this man. Bring it up outside the bedroom, remain calm, and be very clear with what you'd like. I'd say a sex therapist might even be needed for this situation. He's got to understand this is a two way street, and he needs to make an effort to satisfy you as well, even if that takes re-learning how to do it sober. And him wanting to have sex just once a month sounds off; I think a visit to a doctor is in order as well to get him a check up.
Was he ever a good lover?
My Lunch Blog
He hasn had a drink in 3 years and you think that is the reason? umm nnoo
You definitely need a come to Jesus talk!
I'm scratching my head too. Short of him physically restraining me, I don't think my husband could actually get it in without me complying. And I certainly do not agree after a few kisses. Which indicates to me there's probably a long suffering silent complicity involved.
OP, time to talk to your husband when neither of you are hoping for sex. It's also time to inform him when he does something that you don't like- at the time he's doing it. A simple No is entirely appropriate. You have every right to tell him he's doing it wrong while he's doing it wrong. The worst sex of our relationship was early on when we were both trying to be polite and weren't telling each other what we liked and didn't like.
Friends for 15 years. Married 8. TTC since January 2009
2010 Diagnosis: Anovulation and Severe MFI
2011 Treatment:
IVF w/ICSI #1 Antagonist: 2 blasts - c/p - BFN 04.22
FET #1: 1 blast/1 early blast - BFP 06.22 - m/c 06.30 @6w0d
07-11 RPL: MTHFR C677T Heterozygous & Slightly elevated ACLA IgM
FET #2: 1 morula - BFN: 9.02
January '12: IVF #2
Started BCP and Metformin (New!) 12-14 for stimming in January
Dum spiro, spero.
?SAIF/PAIF/PgAL/PAL always welcome?
I have had sexual partners who have been sober alcoholics. They were all lovers who cared about my sexual satisfaction.
So yeah, it is him, not the lack of booze.
Ditto this. Tell him "I"m not ready yet." RoK is nice - - I wouldn't even add the "honey" at the end.
I also think you need to change your mindset. You seem to think "well, sex with him svcks, but at least it will be over quickly and I won't have to for another two weeks." Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? If not, you have be be more direct and even a little hurtful "No, I'm not interested in sex with you if it's the 30 second version that is your specialty."
A little background: we have been together @ 3 years, but we waited until we were married to have sex. So I have only had a few months to get some of this figured out. The time I said where it was just a minute of kissing followed by popping it in I think I was just so stunned & couldn't believe it was actually happening that way that I didn't say anything.
Last night I took the advice & did have a sit down conversation with him. It was difficult but so worth it. He even initiated sex last night, and actually followed through with what I had asked of him. It is amazing how much closer to him, which sounds a little hokey, but it was great! Just having him care enough to listen to me and do something about it.
Thanks to everybody for their advise. It definitely helped build up my resolve to talk to him about it in a loving way. Now we just have to keep things moving in the right direction! :-)