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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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sets of keys
my inlaws lived w/my husband before i moved in. now that we're married, they moved out but they still have the set of keys.
Is that ok or is it time for them to return it to us?
Re: sets of keys
Depends how invasive they are. If they respect boundaries there shouldn't be a problem, and it could be a plus if you need them to help with something.
My parents have keys to my sister & BIL's place, but my mom watches my nephew most days & when they're away my parents walk the dogs & feed the other animals.
On the other hand, my mother doesn't understand MY boundaries and they'll never have keys to my place. But we did give a key to a friend of ours who watches the pets when we're away. She lives nearby, too, so if there's an emergency and we can't get home to walk the dog or something, she could help.
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Ditto- it depends. If they use them to come over whenever they want, then that's a problem. But if they call first, and actually don't use the key w/o you knowing, then I think it's good for someone to have a spare set.
My parents have keys to our house and would only use them if they HAD to get in our house and we weren't there, and we would most likely know if they were using them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
i think my FIL usually calls my DH before he comes over, but once when we came home, the FIL was in our house!
he said he tried calling but my DH left his phone at home...still, i thought it was still a little strange and concerned me a little that he just went in our house even though we didn't pick up the phone. (especially since i didn't get to clean up and had my clothes thrown around the house!!! *embarassed*)
Yeah, THIS is unacceptable & I'd want my keys back. What did you or your H say to your FIL when this happened? Was it made clear that this was NOT an option & did FIL accept that?
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i didn't say anything because i didn't want to start a fight (my fault) and he didn't seem to think there was anything wrong since this is the first time his dad showed up w/o him knowing.
i guess i'm going to have to wait til the next time something like this happens to bring it up?
Depends. My parents have keys to our house, and it's come in handy at many points because they've been able to help us in a pinch when we've been away and needed to check on something at home, etc. And they babysit our kids regularly, so it's important for them to be able to lock the door while they take the kids on an outing, etc.
However, my parents don't use the keys to pay uninvited visits or do things that are invasive or inappropriate. If they did, we would probably either ask for the keys back or just change the locks.
ETA, after reading the replies, your H needs to have a talk with his dad about respecting your privacy now that you're married. They need to treat you as they would treat any other adult couple. Would your FIL let himself into a neighbor's house, just because he has they keys leftover from once when he kept an eye on their pets during vacation? Probably not. He should extend you and your H the same courtesy.
No, if I were you, I'd talk to your H asap.
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I totally agree with everyone else. It is NOT ok for your ILs to just show up and use their key. Once is more than enough and you need to put your foot down now. if they do it again, no more keys. If they can reign it in, I see no problem whatsoever with them hanging onto them.
My parents have a set of keys to my house as does one of my sisters. Sister is a doctor and sometimes making it all the way to her apartment after being on at the hospital for 30 hours straight just isn't safe and she crashes on our couch. DH knows about it and is fine with it and sister knows that in exchange for sleeping a few hours on the couch means she gets the house in whatever condition we left it. My parents have a set because my Dad comes over every now and again to work on "fix-its" that are beyond my skill level. It is easier for them to have a set than for me to go give them one every time they are going to be over or hide one outside. They have *never* come over unannounced.
Changing all the locks is pretty easy and inexpensive.
Home Depot or Lowes.
It's time for your H to ask for them back.
My parents have a set of keys to my house. We gave them to them when we went on our honeymoon in case of emergency and it just never seemed important to get them back. They live over an hour away and even if they lived next door they would never just come in because they have keys.
If your ILs are the type to just come in and make themselves at home get them back if not let it go.
THAT YOU KNOW OF..... this is unacceptable. You need to nip this in the butt now. You and H need to talk... the call before you come over thing needs to be set in stone..... and if you no one answer's then they can't come over. END of Story. If this is not ok with the IL's don't ask for the keys back.... just change the locks.
Part of me can't help but think they still think that Your and you H's house is still their house.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
My parents have a key for emergency purposes and have never used it. ILs, on the other hand, will never get a key. They (used to) stop by unannounced all the time and would ring the doorbell/knock/yell for us for 10-15 minutes before giving up. I can only imagine what would happen if they had a key. In your situation, I'd ask for them back. Actually, I'm a wimp and wouldn't want the confrontation so I'd just change the locks.
Definitely a good idea to have a conversation about boundaries. If your husband speaks with his parents about not letting themselves in and they agree, problem solved. In my opinion, it is useful for someone in the family/close friends to have keys for emergencies. If inlaws do not agree and/or continue letting themselves into the house, then it is time to get the keys back or change the locks.
My sister has keys to our apartment for emergencies and to get mail when we are out of town. We will not give a set to my inlaws - my MIL would probably lose them (and not be useful in an emergency) and would probably snoop around our house/clean/rearrange items if we let her pick up the mail during a vacation.
Uhm, I've locked myself out more times than I care to admit. Once my dog locked the door on me...
Either way, my grandma and my parents have spare keys to my house and my car, however, no one uses them without permission. Luckily, we have an understanding about it all. I even have keys to my parents and am able to get to keys for my grandma.
So where I think having people with spare keys can be beneficial in "oh sh*t" moments, BOUNDARIES are seriously necessary.
And I would talk to your DH about it and not wait til the next time. If you wait, you might either be angry when discussing it (NOT optimal) or DH will think you're overreacting or something, which would be annoying as it is. Or something like that.
I'd just bring it up, saying you were thinking about it and how maybe you guys need to talk to the ILs about appropriate times to use the keys.
Examples: use the keys with permission only, use them without permission if it is a life/death situation (you may not include this depending on how reasonable they view life/death situations...), and if they keys become misused, you'll ask for them back because you can't worry about having your privacy invaded.
What if you came home from a hot date with the DH and were stripping on the way in...oops!
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thanks everyone for your advice! it just so happens we need to change our bottom locks so i think that will be the perfect time to talk to the DH about the "rules".
You really do need to talk to him about the "rules" I would never give my ILs or SIL/BILs keys to our house, they don't know anything about boundaries. My parents however would never use them unless we were locked out. However, when you change the lock you might want to briefly bring that up to them just saying hey we changed the lock so they don't just show up and feel hurt. I would just say "Hey you can get rid of those keys, we had to change the lock." If they ask for another pair just say no.