Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Nobody noticed the Give Me Advice / You Don't Know Me! DD?
|
|
|
Melissa66
Joined on 11-27-2007
New Jersey
16,307 Points
--> |
Please help: I'm losing my husband to MIL (sorry, long)
-->
I postedd here a short time ago about a family dilemma, For 1 month now my MIL has been living with H and I because the house she lived in w/her elderly, dying BF had an oil tank rupture in the basement and the township declared the house unlivable. Since then my MIL has made it more and more impossible for H and I to find privacy and intimacy. MIL is manic depressive. She is not seeing a therapist, she fired the 2 shrinks that I found for her and is undisciplined about her meds. Now, she is trying to take over the house. She rearranges my family photos, my bathroom toiletries and kitchen equipment. Basically she's marking her territory and letting us and especially me know that she's not leaving anytime soon.
The most horrible part of all this is that I feel violated and disrespected in my own home and H does nothing to stop her appalling behavior, even though we agreed on the first day she moved in that this was a temporary situation. He knows she's mentally ill, he's lived with it for decades, but he does nothing about it. What he does do is enable her and put her before me. He wants me to treat her with kid gloves because supposedly she's terrified of losing her dying BF who happens to be a SOB, she's scared of living alone, and that she's talking about killing herself. I've known suicidal people and my MIL is not a suicidal person. But she is a master manipulator of my H and he falls for all her drama and lies. I'm the one who is always the villian, the bad guy treating her like sh!t in H's eyes.
My H's problem is that he and I are the only family she has. She has nobody else to stay with because she's alienated then all with her mental problems. H will never desert her, never insist she go to a psych ward, or in any way take control of her out of control life. Also, he'll never go to counselling himself to get a clearer perspective on his Mom's condition. and the final straw is that he expects me to love his Mom the same way I love my Mom -- he is asking tthe impossible.
So I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering spending time away from my H and MIL and asking my sister if I can stay at her home for a few days a week at most so I'll be the least imposition possible. I do not want to do this, but I cannot live under the same roof with this monster 7 days a week.
I'm in deep despair and badly need advice. There is no way to get my MIL out of my home. All public agencies that I called said they couldn't help her find housing. Should my H and I go into marriage counselling? If the answer is yes, how do I get him to agree?
Please give me your advice and thank you. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
jillboston
Joined on 01-30-2002
14,424 Points
--> |
-->
Sounds like you are stuck. Unless you unstick yourself as you are considering.
I have a MIL who does not have the same issues as yours but has hinted around about moving in at different points. I have told my DH, point blank, NO on the one occasion it came up and we discussed it. I honestly think that he feels the same way - just can't bring himself to say it.
If it is feasible for you and your H I would consider helping her rent an apartment in your town. Whatever money you spent to do that would IMHO be worth every penny.
Good luck!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
steve&heat...
Joined on 11-05-2003
Cincinnati
207,011 Points
--> |
-->
I remember your last post. I am sorry things have gotten worse.
You need to get your H out of the house so you two can have a complete, civil discussion about MIL's behavior, your collective response to it, and how it is affecting your marriage.
In short, you have an H problem all the way--it's not an MIL problem. Your husband's refusal to see his mother's behavior for what it is and how it's bothering you is a major problem. You can suggest counseling, but you can't *make* him go. You need to ask him directly which is his main priority, your marriage or his mother?
Perhaps you can suggest that you guys find her an apartment somewhere, but if you pay for it then she'll still find a way to weasel back into your home/lives at some point or another. You and your husband need to come up with a solution that will be best for all involved.
What will you do if your husband says he will not go to counseling?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
saraelizab...
Joined on 06-10-2007
New York
20,317 Points
--> |
-->
Oh this sucks really bad. I am sorry that you have to deal with this.
Honestly if I were you, I would pack my stuff and stay at your sister's. Tell your H that he and you need to go to counseling to resolve this issue and that you will no longer be around this abusive behavior.
You sound like you are done. I don't think you deserve how your H is treating you.... you are pretty much being forced out of your own home because your H has chosen MIL over you.
I hate to say it, but if he refused counseling and it sounds like he already has, this marriage is over. Cut your loses and get out. You are not happy, and he simply doesn't care.
And as far as you all helping the MIL "renting" an apartment... I seriously doubt that she will do that. In her mind, your house is now her house. She has no intention of leaving.
Pack your bags and move out. And give him an ultimatum... I normal hate ultimatums, but he has really left you with no choice. BUT FOLLOW through with your ultimatum. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
AND if He chooses not to go to counseling (which it sounds like he won't) YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE who will treat you with respect, love, and care about your feelings like you deserve.
It will be hard. But you are a strong person. You will get through it.
OH! And just don't stay over at your sister's for couple days a week. LEAVE the house completely until he realizes you are serious. And has agreed to go to counseling. Just leaving a couple days a week won't do anything.
Best of Luck.
|
|
Sara, Friend?  glove slap. I don't take crap. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
steve&heat...
Joined on 11-05-2003
Cincinnati
207,011 Points
--> |
-->
Saraelizabeth, I agree with every word you posted. Except I don't see him agreeing to go to counseling, he's spent his whole life in denial about his mom's asshattery--if he can't/won't see his mom's behavior as damaging his marriage he'll just think the OP is being dramatic.
And the renting an apartment, while a good idea will never work b/c they'll be on the hook for it financially forever. You KNOW that even if they transition the rent/bills over to MIL, she'll somehow run out of funds and either get evicted or will come to them for help.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
JoEsther
Joined on 09-15-2009
San Francisco Bay Area
11,626 Points
--> |
-->
I'm so sorry you're going through all this - I can't imagine, if it were me, how I'd handle it. 
I think that PPs are right in that your issue isn't so much with your MIL as it is with your H. I'm not going to go so far as to say you have an "H problem", but I do think it's a challenge and I'm pretty certain that unless you sit him down and have a serious, heart to heart with him, nothing will change for the better (only for the worse). She's acting like this because he's letting her, and until he starts to change his attitude towards her, putting you and your marriage first, there's not anything you can do about it.
I think he could benefit from therapy, for sure. If he won't agree to it, well, that says a lot about his priorities and where he stands on the matter, and that should give you food for thought as to what you want to do down the road.
I'm a firm believer that what a person does (as opposed to what they say) shows their priorities and how important they consider each aspect of their lives. Your H is showing you that to him, his mother is more important than you and that she should be allowed to walk all over you in order to get what she wants. Maybe a part of it is his denial and his resistance to change (he grew up with this, after all), but he's a grown, adult man and it's time he learned to deal with things that might be uncomfortable, but are in fact truth.
I'm not wholly opposed to the ultimatum option provided here by a PP. At least that way, you'll know where you stand and you won't waste a lot of valuable time trying to change a situation that might not be changeable...
Good luck!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
TarponMono...
Joined on 01-14-2006
168,286 Points
--> |
-->
Whether his mother is ill or well, his place is with you; he is to be unified with you as a team, no questions asked.
If she is indeed talking about suicide, she needs to be hospitalized. Let him call the cops for his mother and have them take her to a hospital for a full evaluation.
I agree; there is no choice left for you but to leave. I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum.
I'd saveguard my assets, get my finances ready (all on the downlow; don't let him know you are doing this) and when that's done and settled, leave and file. |
|
|
test test |
|
|
|
|
|
|
scherza
Joined on 07-23-2002
Atlanta
60,726 Points
--> |
-->
He's already made his choice, and he didn't choose you. I'm so sorry.
Make copies of all your financial records (mortgage, tax records, etc.) and move your money to an account to which he has no access. Find a time when he -- and she -- are out of the house, call your sister and a couple of friends, pack your things, and go.
He will not take you seriously unless you show him just how serious you are that you absolutely will not live like this.
|
|
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."   |
|
|
|
|
|
|
broccolitr...
Joined on 07-14-2009
84,708 Points
--> |
-->
Committing someone isn't desertion; it's getting them the help they desperately need.
What I'm seeing here isn't a mentally ill parent and the consequences of that... it's an addict/enabler dyad. There is not an all-or-nothing, live with us or be committed to the psych ward dichotomy... there are many shades of, 'take your meds or find your own place to live,' 'we'll pay for an apt for you for the next 6 months and then you're on your own financially.' The fact that your H is unwilling to set any boundaries with her at ALL, not even, 'you can stay forever, but please quit messing with our sh*t,' says that this situation isn't going to change. Maybe an ultimatum will make a dent for a short period of time, but until your H is willing to see and change his underlying behavior it's going to keep coming back to the played out MIL & her baby against the world idea... and you're part of 'the world.'
Like the others said, get your finances in order. I'm sorry.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Geek_Girl
Joined on 09-22-2005
263,673 Points
--> |
-->
I don't have time to read the other posts but here's my take. You aren't going to change anything but YOUR situation. That means you need to leave. And permanently.
If your H is unwilling to try to see your side of things, you have only him to blame. He is choosing his manipulative mother over you and that shouldn't be happening.
So, you don't have a MIL problem, you have an H problem.
Maybe what he needs is losing you to wake up and realize that his mother is ruining his life. I wouldn't count on that revelation happening, though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
mbcdefg
Joined on 03-28-2009
New Jersey
14,356 Points
--> |
-->
I don't agree with whoever said that your husband doesn't care about you. Rather, it seems to be like he's dealing with a ton of guilt regarding his mother.
I doubt that he wants to make you feel bad ... but it's absolutely not right that he's got the choice to either disappoint his mother or his wife, and he's choosing to disappoint his wife. He probably feels like it's easier to yell YOU to just deal with it, instead of telling his mother to take care of herself and not monopolize your lives. I don't think he doesn't care about you and your marriage, but he's unwilling to realize that he's going to have to cut Mommy out of the picture in order to keep your marriage healthy.
Absolutely bring up counseling with him, and in a firm way. Like, "We NEED to go to counseling in order to keep our marriage." If he still refuses, then yes, I'd pack your stuff and go to your sister's. Give him a firm deadline to make a decision ... either find a new place for MIL and go to counseling, or the marriage is over. It's easy for him to just accuse you of being dramatic, selfish, bossy, whatever, when you're still in the house with MIL and still going along with their wishes. (Because it's easier for him to say to himself that his wife is just being bratty, versus him saying to himself that this situation with his mother is unhealthy and out of control.) When you've sent a clear message that you're not going to take this shiit anymore, he'll know you're being serious, and he'll realize that this isn't just a case of you whining about something trivial. Or, who knows, he'll decide that pleasing his mother is more important, and then you've got a decision to make.
And ditto those who said to get your financial things in order ASAP to protect and support yourself.
Good luck, hon, I really hope this works out for the best for you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
casmgn
Joined on 03-07-2006
242,695 Points
--> |
-->
Here is what I would do - but you would have to actually be prepared to file for divorce in the end if your H ultimately chooses his mom:
1. Contact a divorce attorney to get advice on steps you should take to protect yourself should it come to that. This doesn't mean you *have* to get divorced, but it's good to be prepared. The attorney will also be able to tell you if leaving the house will cause you any problems should you proceed with a divorce.
2. Tell your H that you are requiring him to attend marriage counseling with you, and that it's not an option. If he refuses, file for divorce.
3. If he does attend counseling with you but refuses to change, file for divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sue_sue
Joined on 06-27-2008
418,859 Points
--> |
-->
Pack your bags and move out. Leave him to deal with his mother; and if he's able to successfullly deal with her and her issues, and get her into help etc, then maybe you can come back. Or not. I wouldn't issue any ultimatums, or threats; I'd just go, and tell him what it is you need to see before you can think of coming back.
Meantime, get a lawyer, get yourself clear on your debts and obligations; don't spend a lot of money you don't have; and work on keeping yourself sane and safe. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sue_sue
Joined on 06-27-2008
418,859 Points
--> |
-->
And I'd do it as kindly as possible. "You and your mom have a lot of issues to work out; and I'm clearly in the way. You let me know when you've got matters worked out, and at that point maybe we can work things out with you and me."
Get yourself in some counselling, too. Sounds like you need some one to talk things out with. |
|
|
|
|
|
< |
fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen
** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs **
**They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
Re: Nobody noticed the Give Me Advice / You Don't Know Me! DD?
Women like you annoy the hell out of me. You are in a disaster of a marriage, your H has no respect for you and you come asking for help.
Once you get the suggestions you throw a temper tantrum saying you dont know me...i love him...i know it seems like....blah blah blah.
You then collect your toys and stomp out of the room taking your post with you.
All I can say is eventually you will realize that we were all right about this loser that you are married to...and a few more years will have gone by...youll still be asking for peoples opinions and still hearing the same old thing.
Please dont waste our time anymore.
OMG I just read that you are 43!!!! WOW just wow!There is a lot of fear when it comes to situations like this, ESPECIALLY when you are making those "choose me or (insert person)". What if your DH chooses the other person?
Can you imagine knowing, I MEAN TRULY KNOWING, that you are not the most important person in your SO's life?
OR that YOU actually married someone who is that way? It is easier to live in denial than to put yourself out there.
Not saying that she should NOT force the issue, because no one should live like that, but there are very strong reasons why one wants to VENT, but never will make that move.
I wondered where it went, I was looking for it this morning.
Nice catch Ziti!
I have something to say to all of you.
First of all, how dare magsugar revive the topic I deleted when I was shocked and disturbed by the feedback I got.
The vast majority of you tell me to give my H an ultimatum "It's me or your Mom!" and if he chose his Mom I should immediately pack my bags and leave him. Just like that! Leave him and divorce him. Like ordering a latte at Starbucks.
What a cold, ruthless bunch of harpies you women are! Just how healthy are your marriages and do you hate your MIL's too?
It's not like there's domestic violence in my household with my H beating me up or my mentally ill MIL is chasing me around wielding a butcher knife.
And why did I talk to 7 family members and close friends who actually know me, H and MIL and love me that my marriage is a precious thing and that leaving my H should be done only as an absolute last resort. That H and I waited a very long time to find eachother and we've been happy and deeply in love for 4 years. They understand exactly how horrible this situation is and the pain I'm in. But they all think me leaving H will bring dire consequences for my marriage. They told me that this crisis will pass and MIL will get out of the house permanently. In fact, you'll all be delighted to know that a house MIL's bf owns may very soon become vacant with the current renters being evicted for back rent. She will live there if this plays out the way I expect.
This is the first crisis in our relationship. Every marriage has a crisis at some point -- it's a fact. What do you do? Fold your tent and end your marriage or work as hard as you can to fix the problem or at least make it bearable.
You guys are a gang of ruthlesss, heartless ba*tards/bullies who in the most disturbing, cavalier way want me to pull the plug on my marriage right now when this is my f*cking decision. And if i don't do exactly what you say, I'm a coward. What sickos you are!
So that's it -- no more posts on this forum from me. Go to Hell, all of you.
Mags didn't revive anything, pumpkin. You owe her an apology.
And second, if what you wanted from a bunch of Internet strangers with no emotional ties to you was fuzzy puppies and rainbow-scented farts, you should have said so in your original post. You didn't. You asked for advice. We gave you advice. Apparently just not the advice you wanted to hear.
Are you guys fvcking with me?! Is this b1tch REALLY forty-three mvtherfvcking years old?! I just can't wrap my head around that knowledge.
And apprently at 43, she's still grappling with reading comprehension. It was ziti that revived this post, not mags.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I've never been called a harpy before. Neat.
And my marriage is very healthy. I have great IL's, and my MIL would never even dream of moving into our house, and if for some reason in the future she had to, I can say with complete certainty that she would never act the way your MIL does. My IL's are so kind, and raised their son to treat his wife with respect and to put her first. I cannot even fathom a situation in which my husband would allow anyone to treat me the way your husband allows your MIL to treat you.
Uh, wow. In reading the OP, I was confused for quite awhile as to why it was deleted int he first place. I thought everyone was giving VERY thoughtful, caring advice. May not be 100% what she wanted to hear, but it was coming from VERY caring places.
And now she's calling everyone harpies, etc.
Wow.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
ECB, it's possible that even though most people were pretty kind to her the advice she got hit a little too close to the mark. She got a lot of "get him out of the house and talk to him" advice, but it seems like the "pack your bags" advice got her hackles raised.
But I am impressed she went for "harpies" instead of something else.
This sicko disagrees with your assessment of a relationship/marriage. I'd love to know where your fact that all marriages have problems comes from. I think life is already hard enough so I don't understand why there are people who choose a partner/relationship that makes it even harder on them.
Her post # is high enough that she's been around long enough to know how these boards work. We can only work off of what we read, and then we put in our own experiences, and come up w/ our answers. They aren't always going to be spot-on. THere is always advice you have to weed through and discard.
She should know that! That's why I'm amazed at her reaction.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Cold, ruthless, 100% correct harpies.
If your husband is continually putting his mother before you and your marriage, and is refusing to amend that, then that's telling you loud and clear that everything comes second to mom. Unless you want to be on the backburner until she dies, please go be happy elsewhere.
And no, I don't hate my MIL. MIL has health issues and DH realizes a lot of the responsibility in caring for her will fall to us. The thing that makes my marriage a thousand percent healthier than yours? The fact that we work together in deciding what we're going to do.
That's true ECB, maybe she wasn't ready to ask for advice but thought she was?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'd rather know for certain that I was not #1 on my husband's priority list and deal with that fact than tiptoe around the issue, suspecting he put his mother before me, and hoping and praying and wishing that circumstances would change and everything would magically get better.
But that's just me.
Gosh... I thought I was being gentle.
I mean from my view, I thought she deserved better than pretty much being forced out of her home because her H doesn't want to deal with his mother or get any kind of counseling.
Perhaps not....
I mean, to me, an H who won't work on a marriage, doesn't want to be in an marriage. Yes?
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I'm impressed that everyone started off with "I'm sorry," rather than "I told you so."
I love my MIL, but I would rather live in a cardboard box than with her. And she is the world's nicest woman. It was a recipe for disaster from the beginning.
This! OP- I actually have a great marriage and a SAINT of a MIL. She is quite possibly, the nicest person I have ever met. Even living with the best ILs is eventually going to lead to issues. Combine obnoxious ILs with a mama's boy husband... and you're fvcked!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Original Post Melissa66:
Now, she is trying to take over the house.
Basically she's marking her territory
and letting us and especially me know that she's not leaving anytime soon.
I feel violated and disrespected
H does nothing to stop her appalling behavior
He knows she's mentally ill ... but he does nothing about it.
he does enable her and put her before me.
MIL is not a suicidal person.
she is a master manipulator of my H and he falls for all her drama and lies.
I'm the one who is always the villian
the bad guy treating her like sh!t in H's eyes.
she's alienated then all with her mental problems
he'll never go to counselling himself to get a clearer perspective on his Mom's condition.
he is asking tthe impossible.
So I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering spending time away from my H and MIL and asking my sister if I can stay at her home for a few days a week at most so I'll be the least imposition possible.
I do not want to do this, but I cannot live under the same roof with this monster 7 days a week.
I'm in deep despair
and badly need advice.
There is no way to get my MIL out of my home.
how do I get him to agree?
These are YOUR words. You're already planning to get out of the house. No one blames you for it. Are you really shocked and surprised that people would agree with you? Would suggest that you have to tell him that without counseling your marriage is leading to separation and divorce? Things are so bad you are willing to go live with your sister for several days a week. He's refusing counseling, this is how you get him to agree. And it's not mean or manipulative, it's being honest.
If a friend came to you saying she felt violated and disrespected ... in despair ... with no hope her DH would face the issues that brought you there .. wouldn't even admit it or discuss it ... and that someone was taking over her house and her husband was letting them ... would you really not agree with her that a separation was healthy, tell her that divorce was an option.
Would that make you heartless or a sicko?
Well, fine, you sure told us. Enjoy a lifetime with your husband and his Mommy!
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
First of all, how dare magsugar revive the topic I deleted when I was shocked and disturbed by the feedback I got.
hell even though i didnt revive the topic ill be happy to take the credit for it
Well, I thought you were a 43 year old idiot now I KNOW you are a 43 year old idiot. Im also starting to believe that your MIL isnt the only one with mental issues.
You want us to all go to hell? Maybe we should visit your housw...because by what you told us you are living in hell. But, hey I think you deserve it at this point. denial is a dangerous thing sweetie!
This actually made me laugh out loud and scare my dog! It is so true!!!!
You ladies *ahem* harpies didn't give the right advice apparently.
Lets try it this way. OP, sob into your pillow quietly every night. When DH asks what's wrong say 'nothing honey'. Grab two valiums, wash it down with wine and repeat until you die or MIL dies. Whichever comes first.
There, there sweets! It will all be okay!
You're 43?? This adds another interesting dimension here. Let me guess: you're thrilled that you've finally found someone and settled down and gotten married, and you're afraid that if you force this MIL issue with your husband, he'll choose her over you, and you'll be alone and divorced at 43 and doomed to live a life of spinsterhood. And your "real life" relatives probably oh so helpfully pointed out that you're not getting any younger. Am I right?
Honey, it's time to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself and your marriage. Go out for the evening with your husband, have a long talk with him, and explain how upset MIL's behavior and his reaction to it makes you. Tell him that if he wants to salvage your relationship, he's going to need to go to counseling with you. If he's not willing, then you need to go stay with your sister for a while and think about whether or not you're willing to spend the rest of MIL's life being second-best in your husband's eyes.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09