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confronting your parents
So, DH has been holding back with his parents. They live near us for about five months and he feels like they have been taking advantage. He is happy to help them out with some things. He checks on the place every week or so while they are gone to make sure all is well. He gets one of their cars ready for long-term storage (which is stored in our garage), he fixes things around their house, etc. But, it is turning into them calling for every little thing that needs to get done at their place (even replacing a light bulb). They store their car with us during the winter, but ended up leaving one of their cars with us for most of the summer, while they were in town. They won't get their place ready for an extended vacancy - like turning the water off, for example - and want DH to do it all.
More to the story - DH was telling a story about when he had a concussion as a child and his parents clearly did not remember. They almost laughed it off as though he was delusional about the concussion. I could tell DH was hurt, but he didn't say anything. Why not? Well, he had one of those conversations with his Dad about 6 years ago - how he feels that his parents don't pay attention to him and what is happening in his life. His father appeared to hear him, but not much changed and he has since said he does not remember the conversation. He is not "forgettable" about anything other than things that have to do with DH. It breaks my heart.
We have talked about this again recently and DH admitted his reluctance to confront his parents again, since nothing changed the last time. I am curious to know what kind of success others have had regarding confronting a parent. He has no desire to cut them out of his life - they are not "bad people" and are often quite generous. He just does not feel close to them and does not enjoy being with them. Any thoughts? Stories?
Thanks! And, just to be fair, I may DD this later!
Re: confronting your parents
Nothing changed last time because he allowed it not to. It will never change unless your H changes. HE needs to stop being at their beck and call 24/7.He needs to put a stop to it.
I don't think your DH needs to "confront" his parents, but the next time they ask him to do something he doesn't want to do or doesn't have time to do or that inconveniences the two of you, he should politely say no.
It sounds like he's trying really hard to please them because they don't pay him much attention, but his behavior isn't changing the way they react to him, so he should stop saying yes to every single request.
This
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
I wanted to speak to the piece of your post which is about your H not feeling close to his parents and feeling like they don't really remember stuff about him.
I can relate to this with my parents. They are both a lot of fun and very interesting people. They are generous with me and my brother as well and will do whatever they can to help us out. However, they don't really seem to "get" me as a person and don't have much of an interest in my life, who my friends are, etc.
One of the challenges for me as I get older has been accepting them for all their many good points, and accepting that they don't really know me that well and they don't really have much interest in changing that. I am at a place now where that is okay. I know they love me and I know that overall I am very lucky that they were/are my parents. But to get to that place was a struggle at times. It sounds like your H may be dealing with some of the same stuff. Counseling helped me with this.
The irony (which I didn't make a point of in my original post) is that he ISN'T at their beck and call. When they bought their place here, he said he would be happy to check on it when it was vacant (we'd do the same for my parents too, if necessary). But, as their requests have become more frequent and more ridiculous (as in, they can do these things themselves), he does not do them. They just keep asking, which is where the frustration lies. He tells them no, but that doesn't matter to them. They have this assumption that it will get done and when he doesn't do it, it goes undone.
So, while I agree that he is a bit too accommodating (particularly emotionally), I would say that there are things he is fine helping them out with and the rest - oh well. But, it's the assumption that he will do these things that bother him, and those assumptions are always there regardless of how many times he says no or asks them to stop asking for help.
We have talked about having one of "those" conversations again. He's held back because he does not want a cloud over all of their time together. He says that he feels the cloud, but if he says something, they will feel it too and he doesn't want them to feel like he doesn't love or appreciate them. And, honestly, they are very generous with us and they love being with us. I know, I know - if he doesn't say something, then he has to continue on like this. To be honest, I think a big part of this is that his parents are getting older (they're in their early 70's). While they are relatively active, they don't take the best care of themselves and have been aging quite a bit. He really doesn't want to have that cloud over them for the last years of their lives.
I should also point out that he himself has said that he needs to be more assertive with them - he even has a plan in mind for next spring (when they return). I think he's just so used to letting it go, but now that they live nearby, letting it go is getting tougher to do.
That info may not change your response, but I'm glad you made the comment! Thanks!
Thank you for this. I think you nailed a lot of his feelings. He does not feel close to his parents and doesn't really enjoy their time together, probably because they have become so needy for no real reason. It's funny, though, in that they actually ask all the time about our friends and jobs and such, but it always seems fake to me - like they ask simply because they are supposed to. And, we ALWAYS hear about how great DH's brother and sister-in-law are doing... the money they make, the trips they go on, etc. I think that is another thing that bothers my husband, to which I can totally relate (I am the ultimate middle child). I may suggest counseling to him.
Yes, I have excellent advice - ACTIONS speak louder than words. Say no, don't change the light bulb at the drop of a hat and park their car on their driveway when you no longer wish to store it.
Really, you have complete control over how they treat you and it has nothing to do with having a conversation, getting them to agree and hoping they will change their behavior. Nothing. It will only change .. and the good news is that it WILL change ... when you stop jumping to their requests.
And no, they won't like it or give DH permission to stop doing their bidding, or like it one bit. But YOU two will!
And in regard to your follow-up about the constant repeat requests with then it may do you well to just find a reliable, afforable area handyman.
I wish they would find such a person, but it may move things along greatly to actually do a little digging and find a guy and get to say "That sounds like a good job for Hank".
It is also OKAY for him to say "Mom, dad what's up with asking me to change a lightbulb? You are asking me to be your handyman, I keep saying no. It's akward and putting me in a terrible position. Please don't treat me like a contractor with the multiple requests." An in-the-moment comment is MUCH more effective than a sit-down confrontation that people "forget" about.
Thanks! I think THIS is the tactic he needs to take. It's my impression that he is beating around the bush too much - just dropping hints - and that he needs to be much more black and white. Will he do it? Who knows? It doesn't get to me the same way it gets to him (they're not my parents, after all), but I feel bad that he feels bad. Perhaps a few months apart will help him see the light and get the courage to speak up.
Thanks again!
I think there are two separate issues going on here.
As far as asking him to do things... all your husband has to do is say no. Why do they need a car stored in the winter? If they ask this winter, he just needs to say no. He could tell them that he won't be able to prep it or he could even remind him that having their car with you all summer was a huge inconvience to you. Same things with little tasks. If they call and ask for a light bulb to be changed, just tell them that he has other plans but that he's sure they can change a light bulb themselves.
The issue, though, of his feeling like they don't really care - that's another issue all together and quite honestly, this is who they are. I think he might benefit from some counseling to help deal w/ the issue. I think at this point it's mroe on him to accept that this is who his parents are - flaws and all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I can definitely sympathize with my husband when he feels like he doesn't really fit in with his family. We'll look into some counseling to help with those feelings and trying to accept them for who they are, since the odds are they won't change much at this point.
I think the best way to handle it is in the moment as opposed to a sit-down conversation. The car is with us in the winter and that is a non-issue for us. But, we have a plan for next year when they try to leave the car during the summer. Now, we have to work on him saying "no" to the more absurd requests. The irony is that he is more than willing to stand up to most people, just not his parents. Ahhh.... family....
Thanks again! He/we needed the kick in the pants!