Ugh

CaptainSerious

So, I posted an update on the adoption board.  It's very long and I wasn't going to link it here, but why the hell not.  The last few days have been awful, even though we had sever awesome days before that.  I'm ready for the tide to turn for the better again.

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/44268154.aspx

 

FallinAgain

Obviously, I'm so not an expert, but have you talked with your therapist about whether he's using your fears about making him afraid that you will abandon him or hit him to manipulate you? 

CaliopeSpidrman

I think I might be with your husband on this one.  You shouldn't dwell on what happened to his arm.  It was an accident, you apologized and then some, so just leave it at that. 

CaptainSerious

To some extent.  He's definitely manipulative, but generally in other ways.

Generally, he tries to get us to believe that the reason he can't sleep is because he's afraid the "coocoos" (bad people) will come get him.  He uses that because he thinks it means we'll stay with him or let him sleep with us.  It actually takes effort to get him to talk about what he's really thinking about.  He usually says he "doesn't know" or "doesn't remember" what he was thinking about that kept him up.  It's very hard to get him to talk about his past or those he's left behind, so I tend to believe the stuff he says when he does open up.

As for his fear of being abandoned, I don't think it's manipulative, because he doesn't bring it up often.  It's another thing we usually have to solicit from him.  He had the failed adoption last September, and so he just doesn't know that there's nothing he can do to make us leave.  I'm sure it didn't help that that dastardly couple said his behavior was why they didn't follow through, rather than owning up to the fact that his heart condition scared them.

He has tried to make me feel bad for hurting him in the past.  I patted him on the back as I ushered him into the bathroom, and he threw himself over the threshold and pretended I shoved him to the ground.  I picked him up, told him it was an accident and I was sorry, and hugged him.  He tried to carry on, but dropped it when he realized I wasn't playing his game.  Later the same day, he tried it again, more brazenly, and I just told him to get up and continue along.  He hasn't tried it again (that was about a month ago).  I doubt that's what he was doing last night, but I don't doubt he'll try it again sometime.

KayRI

Without meaning to minimize how seriously you take this, I'm with your husband on not overreacting to what happened.  I can only imagine how difficult it is to be patient while he works out his fears.

I also have to wonder how much of this is just kid behavior, albeit writ a little larger because of his history.   

CaptainSerious

Kay, I do believe that much of this is completely normal kid behavior...for a 2 or 3 year old, or a child who has never been disciplined and is suddenly in an environment with new rules and expectations.  It's just hard to deal with it all at once, while at the same time trying to get him to trust us and feel safe.

I do know I need to move on past what happened.  I'm just feeling particularly crappy about it right now.  I'm hoping that by this afternoon when we spend some time in the pool together, it will start to fade.

Jen&Joe06

I have no advice but this instead

samfish2bcrab

I think he's being a normal kid.   no matter what the age or background they will test your limits.

Just stay consistant.