Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Did your ILs change??
I lurk on here often, and they just changed the computer spyware at work so now I can actually post on here 
I guess this is just kind of a poll but I feel as if my ILs changed a lot when my H and I got married, we dated for two years before getting married but we also lived an hour and half away from them. Shortly after we got married our jobs moved us closer to his family and now I feel like they are much different. Which I'm not sure if it is because we got married or we moved closer to them.
So I guess I'm just asking if anyone feels as if their ILs changed after you got married.
Re: Did your ILs change??
I really doubt YOU getting married changed who THEY are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I hope this isn't the case with MY ILs! We live long distance and they are selfish, self-centered @$$holes at best! LOL
I hope this isn't the case with MY ILs! We live long distance and they are selfish, self-centered @$$holes at best! LOL
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I don't think any of us changed, but I will say that once DH and I got married, our relationship changed. The IL's and I get along great, and we pretty much always have except for a rough patch right after we got married. I had been putting up with some stuff that they did that annoyed me (minor stuff, nothing big) and I'm sure it was the same with them. But then we realized that we're all stuck with each other for good, so we had to work out a few things. For example, I'm a planner. I like to have at least a general idea of what's going on. IL's are not planners at all, they are very fly by the seat of your pants type of people. We used to drive each other a little crazy, but then we decided we needed to figure out a better way of spending our time together. So now when we go visit them (they live in NC, we are in IL), we plan a few things to do and leave some time open for last-minute stuff.
I think it's like any other relationship, we had to figure out what works and makes everyone comfortable. Fortunately, my IL's are super nice and we have a great relationship and we all enjoy our time together now
I do no think my IL's have changed but I do think the dynamic has changed which has caused DH and I some issues with them. Once we had our daughter they seemed to be more pushy and frustrating to DH and I, because they don't always like how we do things (safety issues and napping time routines that they try to make us bend on for their convenience).
I'm sure it's because you are closer to them and now you can see things more how they really are. Sorry but family can be frustrating sometimes. I can see now after having a child how things are different for us because before this there were no issues (we live 2.5 hours away from them) and now it seems like anytime we are around them there is some sort of challenge DH and I face.
I def know it wasn't me getting married that changed them, but about their son getting married. Before we got married they were always very caring and nice when we would go see them, I got along with his sister's very well. It just seemed like right after we got married they tried to control everything, which H is very good about standing up to them.
Once we moved his sister's started treating me differently b/c H "chooses" me over them (DUH). My H did a very good job about making sure they know we are a new family and that we are each other's first priority.
His family also started to think that since we live closer we should spend all our time with them. They only have one other married child (after BIL got divorced) who is their 18 year old daughter, her and her husband come home every weekend from school and stay with his family. H and I both thought this was ridiculous.
It's been over a year and sometimes I do just think it's funny the way they changed and they have gotten much much better.
I really just want to know if other people went throught the same experience.
Nope, mine are all the same.
I was lucky to be able to jump right in with them when I first met everybody on NYE a few years ago; it was overwhelming because it's such a big bunch of people, but I didn't show it and they accepted me right away. 3 years later we all still get along & it's great because I know them well enough now to know who I can joke with, who I can't, who gets offended easily, etc.
Yes. Before we got married they were pretty decent to me but they treated each other terribly and were SO rude about other people. Once we got married it was like they realized they could treat me just as crappy as they treated each other since I was now "family".
It's taken years to correct them of that thinking and behavior towards me. They're just barely starting to behave nicely again to me.
In my case, we had stress surrounding the wedding itself (we did not get married in the Catholic church and FIL refused to attend the ceremony.) We didn't cave in, and neither did FIL. None of us held a grudge over it. So, the first time we all got together after the wedding, it was a little awkward, but we got it worked out.
That was many years ago. Any changes that have taken place have been pretty gradual. I think it's pretty normal to go through some negotiations of boundaries at the beginning, though. All in all, I have continued to grow closer to my ILs, especially once we produced some grandchildren! The same FIL who stubbornly wouldn't come to my wedding dotes on my children!
I'm guessing that your perception of change has more to do with proximity than change in marital status.
Mine changed with our engagement. My MIL went from being kind and friendly to sending me nasty passive aggressive emails about the wedding and sending my DH emails about how he needs to remember who is family is and where he came from. She made constant comments about how inconvenient and improper our wedding and wedding requests were. In terms of in person, she ordered me around like her personal servant.
After the wedding, she now refuses to speak to me or return my emails. She rarely ever calls DH but sends him emails about how she never hears from him anymore (because the phone only works one way- his words).
She has not come to visit us (2.5 hours away) since we started dating. She has come to town but never to us. The last time she was in town, she set a time to see us then called an hour before to tell us she decided to leave town right away. We stopped going to visit when she expressed her distaste for our decision to start a family.
She may not have changed, but she is definitely showing her true colors now!
I think they did... but it could be like a PP said, it's just that their true colors are showing now. Also, I can't be sure if they got nasty when we got married or when we moved.
FIL used to actively converse with me, now he tries to prove that anything I say is wrong. MIL used to just sit by herself in a corner during all family events, now she actively goes out of her way to say rude things to me. But SIL is probably the worst now, which I never saw coming.
BFP #1 - 11/16/10 CP 12/1/10
BFP #3 Chart
MIL stayed the same. She's still a joy (sarasm) to be around and complains about DH & I when she sees us. If I had to throw her a bone, I would say that she calls/sees us less, which is nice.
FIL came out of his shell alittle more. Before DH & I got married, he wouldn't acknowledge my existence. Now, he belittles me and uses phrases like, "What would you like princess?"....and..."What do you think, boss-lady?"....OH and my favorite, "Now tell my son (DH as he is standing RIGHT THERE) x, y & z since I know you tell him what to do all of the time."
DH has called his parent's out on their sh*t numerous times...they stare blankly and repeat. Needless to say, we don't see them often.
That's exactly what happened with one of my SILs we got along and after we got married she started treating me like crap. My other SIL and I still get along fine but the mean SIL is always trying to get her on her side.
What is that, right??!? It was like night and day. She doesn't have to like me but respect is in order. Unless I did something to not earn it, which I'm sure I didn't.
BFP #1 - 11/16/10 CP 12/1/10
BFP #3 Chart
Oh I know exactly how you feel, my SIL was fine with me and then we got married and bam!! It was like I was the worst person in the world. It really annoyed me when we first got married and now I don't care.
BFP #1 - 11/16/10 CP 12/1/10
BFP #3 Chart
Haha I love that!!
Oh definitely! My MIL used to be so nice to me before me and H got married. Now that we have a daughter, MIL treats me like a sitter to my own daughter. MIL disregard all our ways of disciplining our daughter. We live in the same house and it sucks big time for me. I'm a stay at home mom, MIL works, so I have the house for me and my daughter most of the day w/c is really good. H and I had an argument (big time) about timeouts with her because she disagrees about the way we discipline her. Told her that I've had enough and that she should respect me as a mother to my daughter. She then said, ever since you came here everything in my life is a mess. What did I ever do to her to deserve this??? I've respected her and I didn't marry her son to mess up her life, i married her son because it's him that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with, not her.
I am now stuck in this situation for my husband and I cannot sell the house due to the housing market. I told my husband that if we won't be able to move in 3 months time, I will go back to my family and stay there until he decides to move and just leave the house to his mom and uncle (MIL brother who lives with us as well). H has been laid off and now working as a temp. Can't go back to work either for H goes to school at night and works during the day. Daycare is so expensive and my parents lives outside of the U.S. If I do go to back to work, all my salary would just go to daycare, so staying at home is sort of the best option. My life is living hell right now, shall I say.
Lucky for you redlady22 you don't live on the same roof as your MIL.