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Sex is horrible, please help me!
I really need some help/advice here. Let me start off by saying that I am using an AE because I know quite a few nesties IRL and am not comfortable talking about this situation around my friends. No MUD here.
The background; hubs and I are both 28, have been married for 3 years, and had dated for 6 years before we got married. I love my husband more than I can put into words--he is funny, charming, witty, and I can't imagine my life without him. My problem is that we have serious issues when it comes to our sex life. We pretty much have no sex life whatsoever and I am afraid that it is ruining our marriage.
We had both decided to wait until marriage before having sex. Big mistake. I feel horrible saying this, but my husband is just plain lousy in bed. He has a hard time lasting long enough for me to have an orgasm. I have (gently) raised this issue with him, and he admits that he has a hard time controlling himself. He has worked on it and is lasting longer, but still it just isn't enough--we are honestly talking like maybe a minute of intercourse if I"m lucky. He then has to pull out and avoid stimulation for a minute or two before we can resume. Is this normal?? To complicate things further, sometimes he doesn't stop in time and he has an orgasm and is then done for the night. He will lay beside me and try to help me along with a vibrator and manual stimulation, but at that point I usually feel so bad about the situation that I'm just not in the mood anymore. Basically I feel like I have to race to have an orgasm quickly, which has totally gotten into my head and has made it even harder for me to climax. Am I being selfish to want more than this? We do use a vibrator during intercourse to , but I have gotten to the point where I am getting really frustrated with our "stop and go" action and always feeling like I have to beat the clock. I have been avoiding sex like the plague because I can't stand to have it end the same way every time.
I am expecting too much? I feel like I am so worried about performance that it has taken the fun out of the act and the only reason I ever have sex at all anymore is because I feel like I need to because that is what married couples are supposed to do. I don't enjoy sex with my husband and I often find myself fantasizing about sex with other men. I would never have an affair and I don't want a divorce, I just want to have good sex with my husband. Is there any hope for us?
Re: Sex is horrible, please help me!
they have some lubricants and condoms with said lubricant that are supposed to help in this department.
Can he not get it up for a while after the fact? I mean honestly you two could try some foreplay and have him get off and then get hot and heavy again and it'll take him longer to climax. I hope it works out for you. Try not to psyche yourself out too.
It wouldn't hurt for him to get a complete physical -- also a consult with a urologist. A sex therapist would help, also.
Maybe his ultra-sensitivity is "normal" for him; perhaps it's not. See what a urologist thinks.
Was he sexually active before he was with you? Just curious.
We have used the "climax control" condoms in the past and they did help somewhat, but neither one of us is very fond of using codoms really. I don't the their smell, the feel, and for me anyway they kind of ruin the mood when we are trying to be intimate.....knowing that we can't have sex until he gets numb from the condom. I would rather use them than not have sex at all, but really I just want to have sex and be able to enjoy it without having to worry if his de-sensitizing condoms have taken effect yet.
He was not sexually active before he was with me. We have both only ever slept with each other, so neither one of us really knows what is "normal" and what isn't. It has been a real blow to his ego and I know that he is self concious about his performance, so we have both sort of just stopped talking about it and stopped initiating sex.
This is not an uncommon problem. I hope your husband knows that.
While I know that this situation is very frustrating for you, remember that your husband wants to please you. He is not being selfish (as seen by his willingness to satisfy you afterward) and he is deeply embarrassed by this. This is probably solvable, but you guys have to talk about it and try to develop a sense of adventure around this.
I have some suggestions:
1.) Have him masturbate in the morning. It might help take the edge off of his lust and help him maintain control.
2.) I think it is time to take vaginal intercourse off the table. Right now it is interfering with your intimacy, so tell your husband that you aren't going to do any penetration for a while. Don't avoid sexual closeness, just vaginal penetration. Give each other orgasms - orally, manually, use toys. Whatever works..but when you pleasure him, help him work on control. Make it a game. Stroke him to get him close to orgasm but stop before he gets there. You can also squeeze his penis just below the head for 15 - 20 seconds when he feels close.
3.) Since some anti-depressants can inhibit orgasmic ability, he can take a low dose that might give him some additional control.
Sit down and have this conversation with him. "I love you and I want our sex life to be as good as the rest of our relationship is. So you are going to visit a urologist to see if there is a physical reason for this problem. I am going to do a bit of online research and we are going to find a solution together."
Your mindset in the bedroom might be affecting both of your moods as well. It is a lot harder to maintain atmosphere and focus during sex than most people realize.
Try not to think of this as, "Oh man, my husband is lousy in bed." Think of it as, "Wow, my husband is so turned on by me that he can barely control himself!"
It won't solve everything, but it might help put both of you into the right mindset to enjoy sex, rather than worry about it.
Thank you all for your support and advice. It looks like I need to work on re-framing my mindset about our sex life. I really like the idea of taking intercourse off of the table for a bit.....we had a great sex life w/out intercourse before marriage, so I think it would be a good step towards making sex fun again and will help take the pressure off of our performance anxiety.
I am a little nervous about suggesting that he schedule an appointment with a doc though. I know that it will bruise his ego and I"m sure it will be horribly embarassing for him to discuss when he does go.
I had a similar problem with my boyfriend (now H) when we first started dating. I had suggested that he see a doctor (he never went), I realized that it wasn't a health problem but he was just nervous because he hadn't been with many women before me. I started to be more patient and understanding and if he couldn't finish we waited 10 minutes and went back at it for round 2. It got better and we had "normal" sex with no problems after 2-3 months.
Be patient, he's probably nervous. But if you really feel it's a health issue I would voice your concern and ask him to make an appointment (or make one for him).
I was a virgin before marriage too, and orgasms were hard to figure out at first. H would come way before I did, and manual stimulation doesn't work well for me.
The best thing that we figured out was different sex positions. Some sex positions allow me to come earlier or faster, and some allow him to. We take turns picking positions, and it often depends on who initiated and/or needs the sexual attention more
Poor thing! Me and my husband have had this happen a few times and what we figured out was that if he cums too quickly, just wait till he's ready again and then go at it a second time. Set aside some time, and plan on testing this out. After the first time just say it's okay and that you'd like to go again when he can get it up again. You may be pleasantly surprised. Or having sex more than once a day could achieve the same goal. Get the bad sex over with in the morning and maybe at night the sperm will be less eager to get out of there. Also keep in mind that the less sex you have the less time it's gonna take him when you do have sex. And consider using a condom, it'll make him take longer naturally.
Sex is very important to your marriage and you need to do whatever it takes to get things fixed! I hope some of this works!
These are great! Not all of them vibrate if your husband doesn't like the vibration. What worked for us when we first started having sex (so DH could learn more control) was to give me a lot of attention (toys, oral, fingers) until I was getting close then we would start penetration
This. I have a hard time reaching an orgasm, so we use a vibrator first. Then I get my O, we both get even more turned on, and then I'll sometimes have another, just from being so excited.
Last updated 4/06/11
My ex H and I had a similar problem. He refused to go to the doctor and because of other issues we didn't work out.
My current SO and I have amazing sex and from what he has told me, he will think of other things to keep off the orgasm short term - think about baseball and other non sexual things. Plus when he does orgasm a little later, it is amazing because of the build up. That might be something to consider
Also, if he is super close, we may switch positions to take a quick time out, yet still remain intimate.
Since he has an issue in this dept., perhaps you should pick up a book on tantra sex - the idea is also to prolong an orgasm.
Finally, I think the idea of holding off on intercourse. Focus on everything else and then only have intercourse until you both just can't take it anymore.
"the only reason I ever have sex at all anymore is because I feel like I need to because that is what married couples are supposed to do. I don't enjoy sex with my husband and I often find myself fantasizing about sex with other men."
OMG I AM GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING! We didnt have sex until marriage and now I feel like I wish I did have sex with him before marriage because it is just so awful. He lasts literally about 30 seconds if that, and its so frustrating that I avoid sex altogether, but get so jealous of all the other couples I know with healthy sex lives that I do it for the practice, hoping something might change but it never does. I hate having sex with him and its a shame cause I used to love having sex with my ex which is horrible to say but true. And I have tried every tactic listed above in everyones replies and nothing works, its tearing our marriage apart. Now all I have resorted to is prayer...
Who the he!! has time for sex multiple times a day?
Dude, he can get himself off. No one said they had to have sex multiple times a day, just that he could get himself off and when they have time in a day have sex. Relax
I have noticed that the more often my husband I have sex the longer he can last before he orgasms. Different positions are easier for my husband to last longer as well. For example, with missionary he can last three times as long as with doggy style. Does your husband masturbate? My husband is really good at knowing when he will orgasm and he says that's because he knows his body so well. I think that some sex toys like *** rings can also help some guys stay hard longer.
Just some suggestions. I think that sex can be a tricky and sensitive subject. I think you should be open and honest with your husband about what you're feeling so that you can work on these issues together.
I understand! I am not married to my guy but.. let's just say when hes ready, we have sex for maybe 5-10 minutes if that, and yes he pulls out also to stop the climax. He has told me this and we have discussed it.
After he climaxed hes usually tired and wants me to give him a "minute" I usually get upset. He asked if I want him to do anything! I finally got so upset one time I just blurted out that I'm tired of having a lingering turn on when hes done in 5 minutes. He's tried to please me (I'm apparently very hard to please) >.< I feel lousy afterwards, almost like resentfull he got off and I'm stuck still all excited.. Usually when we play around he gets off first and then we will wait awhile and he will end up playing with me.
I completely understand your feelings. It's hard to approach the situation without hurting his feelings. I did hurt my guys feelings and hes made it known that it makes him feel less of a guy because he can't get me to climax. I told him it's not him I'm just difficult lol The last few times we haven't really had sex it was more just playing with each other.. which he prefers.. that makes me feel bad like he wants that more than sex.. but that's another topic lol
I would suggest maybe have him play with you before hand or maybe you play with yourself while he watches and get him excited!
Right, telling him what to do. I'm sure that will work.
Great advice...I agree completely. I've been with my husband for over 5 years. From our relationship there were some occasions where we were apart for couple weeks (business trip). Whenever we reunited, it was easier for us to climax in shorter amount of time. I find that when we have sex more frequently it takes my husband longer to climax.
We both know when we're about to climax, so sometimes we immediately change sex position just to continue sex. It works.
Practice practice practice...have lots of sex. Don't have expectations so soon, be patient and just keep on loving him!
Often my husband will get me before we have sex, that works nicely.
?Another reason he might be "going" so fast is because?you guys aren't having sex very often. ?If we don't have sex for even only a week my husband can hardly hold out for more than a few minutes. ?I often do stuff for him on nights that we aren't having sex...this is nice for him, and also helps him last longer when we do have sex.