Holidays
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
First Turkey Day with the ILs=(
This year will be my first T-day with the ILs. As you can tell, I am not very excited about it. Every year since we have been together, we have gone to our own families or to mine. Our families live 2 hours away from one another so it's one or the other. My DH has wanted me to come but I never did because we live closer to my family so it's been. convenient. This year there isn't much going on with my fam so by default we are going there. I am not excited bc my MIL isn't the warmest person and often says things without thinking. (very passive aggressive). It always seems that she is trying one up my family so I am sure she is thrilled we are coming there. And did I mention my FSIL! She's clearly a wackadoo! Of course, I understand they are my family now, but I was wondering how others get through spending your first holiday without your family. This isn't my first holiday with them, I guess Thanksgiving is just hard.
Re: First Turkey Day with the ILs=(
WINE! Lots and lots of WINE! That is how I survived last Christmas with the ILs. If that does not work, get turkey tired and take a nap (read a book) to get some time alone. Football is a great way to get out of conversations during thanksgiving. Also, take a walk with DH (or alone) to walk off turkey.
Thanksgiving is great to spend time with people, but I have always found these are great ways of escaping when I cannot take anymore!
I allowed DH's family to walk all over me during the wedding/wedding planning process so by default I get a lifetime of "first choice" on Thanksgiving. (Thus, we are going to be spending thanksgiving with my family until further notice.)
Our families are only an hour apart, so we do attempt to make it to his family's by dessert. (Probably not happening this year though)
For Christmas...we haven't figured it out yet. Right now, it's a day that begins at 5am and ends at 11pm, and that doesn't work for long. =(
I will admit that I have always felt awkward around most of my ILs. Ever since I started dating my H, there's always been a distance between most of them and myself. I have always tried to be nice, helpful, and there for them, but for some of them they just haven't warmed up. I think part of that stems from his aunts who are very much centered on themselves, and who they consider to be family. I might be married to their nephew, but am still not part of the family. It's a really weird dynamic.
Anyways, I feel your pain and frustration. I have tried to come up with a word or gesture, so that my H knows when I have had enough... however, we some how still end up staying longer then we ever anticipated. I also make a point to tell him that, I will give it 3-4 hours today (depends on what we are doing, might be longer or shorter) and I want to be home by "whatever" time. It's worked, but I know my H feels like we sometimes run off on his family so he likes to stay longer. I have started driving a separate car, if it gets to hairy I will leave.
However, I do make sure that I always help with food prep, set up, and clean up. I don't just ditch as soon as everything is done. I do make an attempt to be family, even if it's hard and kills me. I will add, that not everyone in his family is this way. When it's just his parents and sister, I'm just fine, it's when you have the entire extended family that things start to get weird.
Best of luck!
have you ever considered starting to host thanksgiving? that way family can decide to come or not, and you can include friends if you wish. your ils might not want to make a long drive but if you've invited them, you're off the hook. thxgiving is my husband's favorite holiday so it's our holiday. we always host it. when we lived near my parents and participated in the family dinner, we did "our" thxgiving dinner the saturday after the family dinner with friends. we really like to entertain and i love to cook/bake, so we found it a lot of fun. i know it might make a lot of people run from the room screaming.
now that we're back on the west coast and the only family close by is my sister we don't do double duty and always host, predominantly with friends. i know my sister would like to host sometimes but i explained to her that it's dh's favorite and we've decided it's our holiday, even moreso than xmas, and we just always do it. i also let her know that if she wants to host her own dinner that's fine and she's under no obligation to come to ours and our noses won't get out of joint if they can't make it. we'd prefer they come but we understand wanting to do thxgiving. my family are fantastic and my favorite people on earth, but i really prefer to host thxgiving. my mom is a really basic cook and she refuses to brine the turkey. when we'd have dinner at my parents' house the first thing out of dh's mouth once we left was "your thxgiving dinner is better." also, having lived away from family for ten years before again coming out west, i find i really like thxgiving spent with friends. it's not that the friend dinners are better than the ones we spent w/ my family, they're just different. a very different vibe which i really enjoy.
I know it's hard but just remember you're doing it for your dh.
My advice would be to make sure you take something that screams Thanksgiving to you. The first time I spent turkey day with my inlaws it didn't feel the same to me because it was a totally different meal from what I'd always eaten. So now I take at least 1 thing that we always had growing up - the pie, a certain roll, a side - whatever will make you smile and be happy.
And if nothing else just become (or pretend to be) really interested in the parade or football. If your family is like mine you can blend in by pretending to fall asleep in front of the game :P
Either plan to host your own Thanksgiving and make your own traditions or
Wine and then be the 2nd to leave.
This, this, this! A 1,000 times this! A little kindness will go a very long way in this kind of situation. Even if they don't take your offers to help prepare and clean up, they will take note that you offered. And, more importantly, they will take note if you DON'T offer to help.
He was stationed across the country last Thanksgiving, so I'm not sure how it will work out this year. He's already cleared us for going to my sister's house, then we'll probably go to his family's at the end of the night.
As for dealing with IL's, just be cordial and watch the clock
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