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Mom drama - WWCND?
Around this time of year most catholic churches do masses of remembrance for the recently deceased. If you submit a name they will be included in the mass. My Mom's submitted my grandparents names for her church tomorrow night. She called me today telling me she wants me to go. I told her we had plans. She got very huffy, guilted me a bit, and then got off the phone abruptly. Clearly pissed.
I feel torn. I could actually go, but I don't want to. I'm not that religious. I don't go to mass. But my mom is and my grandparents were. I guess part of my beef is that I'm 30 years old and she's always trying to get me to do things and go to things that I don't want to do. I feel like she manipulates and tries to control me, and I resent it. I'm tired of feeling controlled by her.
So, do I go to the mass to make my mom happy and honor my grandparents? I can't decide if I'm being a pushover by going, or a selfish twaat for not going.
WWCND?
Re: Mom drama - WWCND?
11/11/11 = 5 years. Woah!
If I felt it was because she wanted my support i would go, but my mom is neither catholic nor a guilt manipulator.
Come sit down, I'll make you some pancakes.
I would ignore the fact that it is your mom requesting you to go, and do what feels right in your heart. If this feels like a good way to honor them, then go. If it feels more fitting to sit and listen to your grandma's songs and think about them, do that instead. I wouldn't go just because someone tells you it's the "right" thing to do. But that's my non-religious point of view.
I'm really not one to talk with mom drama, but I'll add my two cents. I probably would go (assuming it's not terribly inconvenient), and then I'd tell mom at a later point, 'From now on, I'm going to need more lead time to make plans, and though I love and want to honor the g-parents, I won't be going to every religious event going forward just because it would have made them happy. I honor their memory in my own way. I hope that you can respect that."
I don't really see how sitting through a religious ceremony that is not all that important to you (except for the fact that they may read your grandparents' names from a list) is honoring anyone. I would probably not go, personally, but I don't see a connection between attending something like this and honoring your grandparents.
I think sharing your grandmother's recordings with friends over divorce waffles was a fantastic way to honor her memory.
I agree that if you take your mom out of the equation and THEN feel compelled to, you should go. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with passing on a service that may not hold much meaning to you. In no way are you dishonoring the memory of anyone by passing on this, and your mother has no right to make you feel otherwise.
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
11/11/11 = 5 years. Woah!
It's not just about honoring your grandparents, is it? It seems obvious that it means something to your mother. If standing up to her manipulations and guilt is worth not attending a service honoring your grandparents and her mom and dad, don't go. It just seems to me that there are better, less hurtful ways, to express to your mother that you do not appreciate her guilt trips.
Granted, I have a fabulous mother who I would do anything for, so maybe I just don't get this at all.
I have to call bullsh!t on not partaking in religious events as an immature protest against your parents. This reminds me of my parents scolding me for not wanting to go with the family to Christmas Eve or Easter Mass, like my aversion to religion is somehow a slight against them.
Maybe the misunderstanding is the concept of how a Mass honors someone -- it will not be like a memorial service or a wedding where the whole thing is centered around the person in question. It's just a Mass, same script as every week, with one mention of the honorees names. I would definitely not feel compelled to go to this type of event for a family member of mine.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Um, how nice for you?
I wouldn't go, just because I am a godless heathen and having been to a memorial mass before, I know that it really isn't at all about the deceased person.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
If that's how you feel, then don't go. I'm standing firm on the "Take your mom out of the equation and do what you would do regarding your grandparents" line. If you don't feel it will actually honor them, then don't go. Just don't let standing up to your mom be the reason you don't go.
Um, indeed it is.
Is anyone else going with your mother? Sometimes I think catholic mamas just want someone to keep them company (that is how my gma was) and/or *** to during church related functions.
I would just explain that it is too last minute and you cannot make it.
oh, I do hate "um" so much.
Anyways, I can see what Fallin is saying in regards to "of all things, why THIS occasion for teachiong mom a lesson" however, it has to be done sometime so why NOT now. This isn't an isolated incident of Christin's mom using the grandparent guilt and the line needs to be drawn sometime.
Um, so sorry.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
can't you make the eyes roll?
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
I'm with Sam (except on the 'um' part: sometimes it can be effective).
Um, not just wow. Wowum.
3 out of 4 dead babies agree! pepsi is better than coke! - EdithBouvierBeale
Lordy. Grow some balls and stop lurking. It's like stealing from the internet. Jesuschrist. -- AudreyHorne
I hate love and marriage. I got married so I could destroy these things from the inside. - NoisyPenguin
It's a good thing my circle of trust is as giant as my vagina. That only leaves a couple people out. - Cali
I wouldn't go. I am relating your situation to mine somewhat- If my father decided to have an unveiling for my mother (what Jews do a year after someone dies. That's when you get the head stone), I wouldn't go. I don't go to the cemetary- my father and sister decided to cremate (sp?) my mother against my input, then put her in a mausoleum. The same ashes that are in that hole in the wall in a place that I have no connection to are also in my curio cabinet at home. I feel no need to go for some ceremony that has no meaning to me. I honor my mother in other ways. When my mother was alive, I did what I felt was right to me, and I didn't change because she passed away.
My parents lived in a generation where you just "do stuff" because it's the "right" thing to do. Well, everyone's definition of right is different and what's right for "you" specifically is also different. I don't do anything just for the "sake of it" or to keep the peace. For me, I don't want to go to any house of worship for any reason, even a happy one. But, I certainly wouldn't go just because someone else thinks I should, in someone's else's name.
If you mom said, "I'd appreciate you going because I feel I need you there", that is different than speaking for your grandparents saying, "They'd want you there." Unless she has a direct line to heaven, then she has no idea how they'd feel and if you're not a religious person, then you're not even sure they'd have a clue if you'd be there.
Here's the thing about sitting through religious ceremonies to make your family member happy: My parents would never skip a religious ceremony to celebrate a holiday the way I would prefer, just to make me happy. They would be offended by a memorial service for a deceased person that implied the person was just dead and gone, not in heaven. So why does it always have to be the non-religious making the sacrifice to go along with the wishes of the hardcore believers?
I feel strongly about this b/c I have lied by omission and avoided voicing my opinion to certain family members for so long, and I'm just not sure why this is constantly expected from me, but no one would dream of returning the favor.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
That's not a problem I've ever encountered. We have a whole family Christmas that isn't about religion at all. And the only way a memorial implying the dead person was just dead would offend anyone I know is if that was directly contradictory to the deceased's beliefs because that would not be honoring to them.
In any case, Christin's OP didn't seem to have an issue with the religious aspect of what her mother was requesting but rather with her mom's guilt trips and manipulation.
But seriously Fenton, maybe it's time you take a stand to your family instead of complaining about them and deleting obscure FB references for fear of offending them if they do not return the courtesy.