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not excited about splitting the holidays
This is my and my DH's first holiday season as a married couple. My family is very close (my mom's family: my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins)...there are 23 of us and growing. Every year, all my life, my family has celebrated every holiday, birthday, special event, etc. as a family. I have several aunts that have husbands who have chosen to join in the fun. Holidays for them have never been an issue because they have never had to split a holiday. So I was raised with no example of "splitting" holidays. My dad's family is not close, and when I was little, we only went to his parents' home for a quick 30 minutes. However, that is not the case with my DH.
Last Thanksgiving was difficult, because it was the first time I had to leave my family. It was devastating. I did it because I love my DH more than anything as any wife should. Christmas was a little different in that we were together in my hometown Christmas eve Eve, separated late Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and then rejoined in his hometown the day after. This holiday season is just making cringe and not be excited at all in what used to be my favorite time of year.
We decided before we got married that we would switch the actual "day of" holidays--this year Thanksgiving Day with his family and visiting mine the day after, and Christmas Eve/Christmas with my family, then his the day after. And next year vice versa. That was a huge compromise on my part, but nonetheless, it was a decision that was made. My family is huge and they celebrate huge. It's not easy for all of them to be together at the same time as some of them live out of town and work, so holidays are family time.
I'm the first and oldest grandchild/niece to be married. I'm about to be 29 and I am being the biggest baby, I know. I guess my question is: how do you cope with being away from family knowing that they're celebrating a holiday without you? The concept is foreign to me.
What makes it even harder is that when we're with my H's family, being his mother, stepfather, and little sister, it's always uncomfortable because my MIL has issues of her son leaving the nest, and she makes me feel uncomfortable. So being with 3 people versus 23 people...it's definitely different. My MIL doesn't visit her family for holidays; she spends them with her in-laws, my H's step-family, which to me makes things even more awkward. They're not bad people...just different from my family.
I feel guilty for thinking so selfishly, but I just want to know if there is any way to make me not feel this way. What are some things you do to make the holidays more enjoyable when you're away from your family? I know I now have a new family, my husband and me. And I'm excited about being married to the man of my dreams. I guess I'm having a case of separation anxiety, and I wish that feeling would go away. Is it normal for me to feel this way?
Re: not excited about splitting the holidays
I've always seen my family (huge Italian family) for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Last year DH and I decided to start splitting the holidays - Thanksgiving was spent part with his family and then part with just my Mom since the rest of my family is up in NJ; then for Christmas we spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas with my Mom - I didn't get to see my big Italian family at all last year. But I sucked it up for my love, put my big girl panties on, and got over it. His family was about to become mine and I did get to see my Mom at least. Neither DH or I grew up seeing our families split the holidays, but that doesn't mean that's the way it has to be for you.
This year we are going up to Thanksgiving in NJ to see my family and he's giving up seeing his, then we're doing the same this for Christmas again this year.
It IS worth it to me to sacrafice seeing my family as I have for my entire life on certain occassions because it's not just about me anymore, it's about me AND my DH as a unit. His family is no less important than mine nor is my famiy less important than his. You need to make new traditions for you and your DH. Your adult, you got married, life's about change and making decisions.
How does your H feel about the holidays? Is he happy with the arrangement? Have to talked to him?
Are you just missing your family or could you be frustrated/jealous because you feel like you are doing more compromising and missing out on more than your H? Some things you said (like 23 vs 3 people at holidays) make me wonder if you're feeling that your arrangement is out of balance.
My family has always been uber casual about holidays. We've celebrated Christmas on New Years with my family because that's when we could get together. No big deal.
When my nieces and nephews were born, H and I re-assessed and decided we would like to watch the little kids on Christmas morning if possible.
Then we moved. Then something else came up. Then something else... We're constantly re-formulating how we want to handle the holidays. Our lives, situations, priorities, and locations have changed. What we thought would work a couple years ago doesn't matter, we need to decide what works for us now. But we always decide what we want to do, and then let our families know what our plans are.
Normal is relative, so don't compare your feelings to the feelings of others! You love your family, and you don't have to appologize for that. You're lucky that way!
I don't know how great of an example I can be since I haven't actually seen my own family on the day of a holiday in almost four years, since I moved from Kansas to California, but I empathize with the switch from a big family celebration (mine) to a small family gathering (3-5 people - his). Coming from the big, festive family celebration to the smaller, intimate family holiday is a big change, and I'm sorry your MIL doesn't make it easy on you. (I also empathize with that but that's a whole different story!) She may actually start to open up to you, though, if you make it clear to her that you are willing to fit into her family and if you make it a point to actually spend the holidays with your husband's family. It's possible that part of her coldness toward is because you haven't spent any of the holidays with her family in the past. Holidays are a big deal! Just try not to bring up how things are done for the holidays with your family to avoid making your MIL feel like you don't want to be at her house.
Remember that different doesn't mean bad in terms of celebration size. There is a lot more opportunity to really bond with people at the holidays in a smaller group, and again, this may be your chance to form a good relationship with your MIL!
You can still see your own family on days surrounding the holiday and have some holiday celebration there, and yes, we all know that marriage requires compromise. Know that you are doing it because you love your husband and want to be with HIM on holidays. Focus on the fact that you are with the person you love the most in life, and be satisfied that you aren't thousands of miles away from your beloved like many people have to be.
I don't think I'm going to be much help because my DH's family does not live anywhere nearby and my very large Italian family is around for days at a time for all the holidays. We spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. The only exception was the Christmas we were on our honeymoon and the Christmas when his parents were celebrating their 40th anniversary. Otherwise, it's all about my family. Since he's Jewish, it's even easier to make that decision!
Now, my sister cried and cried the first year she spent Christmas with her new husband's family (that was 15 years ago). They alternated every year - one year it was Thanksgiving with her family, Christmas with his, then the next year it was reversed. Now that they have kids, they spend Christmas Eve and morning at their own house. Her in-laws spend that time with them, then they leave and my sister and her family drive to my parents' to be with the rest of us.
That said, it can be difficult to be away from traditions and familiarity at the holidays - especially if your IL's don't really celebrate like you're used to. But, this is a nice time to make a new tradition for you and your new husband that belongs to just the two of you. It will help with this transition into married life.
Ok, I feel for you, I really do, but yes, you are being a huge baby about this.
My H and I decided before the wedding that we were going to split Christmases. (His family lives in GA, mine in MI, the two of us in IL.) When we got back from our honeymoon, in July, we told both of our families about the plan. We spent last Christmas with my family, and this Christmas we are going to GA to be with his family.
My relationship with my ILs is...frosty, at best (for so many reasons, it's too much to type here). However, I love my H, and I made a commitment to him, so I am going to suck it up, go to GA, and do it with the best attitude I can muster.
You are still going to see your family for the holidays. You're going to get a chance to celebrate with them. It won't, however, be the same as it has been in years past. Because this year, you are a wife first. You are not a daughter, or a niece, or a cousin first; you're a wife now. It's time to prioritize you H above your extended family just as you expect him to do for you.
Appreciate that you're close enough to see your family as much as you can, and move on. Do this for your H, because you love him and because next year he will do it for you.
I completely understand where you are coming from, but for the sake of your family (You and your H) you need to figure out what you are willing to do together. His family is your family now, and it is hard making the transition from what you did as a kid, to incorporating other people.
Believe me, I completely feel you. I never had an example of splitting the holidays when I was younger because my dad's side of the family passed a long time ago. So that meant always spending the holidays with my mom's side. However, I do have older siblings that I got to observe how they handled things. (I'm the youngest of 6 with the closest one in age is 9 years older then I am) I remember it was really hard for my sister (the oldest of my siblings, and oldest grandchild) changing the 'norm". It really did take a little while for the family to adjust, but then when everyone involved realized that it didn't take away from the holiday, and that we still could make time to be together (maybe not on the actual holiday but sometime close to it) it's been working.
On the flip side, my H is one of the oldest grandkids in his family. His family ALWAYS does every single holiday together. His older sister kept this tradition after she was married, so no one had broken the "mold" before us. However, I was not willing to give up every single holiday to spend it with his family, just because that's the way they do things. That meant I wouldn't get any time to be with my family during that time at all. It was hard to break the "mold", because his family does not like change at all, but things are working out.
I guess, all in all, I'm saying it's okay to feel that way about not being able to be with your family for every holiday. Change is hard, but because your family unit/dynamic has changed, and with that comes changes else where. It will take time to get used to it, but once you have accepted what you are doing, because you love your H, then things will become easier.
Hmm, good thought. I kind of hope that it is because it seems being THIS upset about not being with your parents on Christmas at the age of 29 is indicative of larger issues, really.
my thoughts exactly!
MUD, larger issues??? Not so much. Just thought this site was to get insight, advice, and support from other newlyweds.
Thanks to all those who have replied with longer posts...it's an issue that's been worked out. I am concentrating on me and my DH first and letting everything just fall as it may. We've talked about the holidays a ton and because of us just sharing our feelings with each other, we're both happy with how things are. I don't know many people who are awesome with change, but I'm doing the best I can. We've let our families know how things are going to work for us, and everyone has been really supportive/accepting of the changes. I know it will all work out.