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step-children
Hello all! I am new to the nest.. So here's a lil about my situation. I'm recently married.. almost 10 months to a wonderful man with 3 children (8, 8 & 13). His first wife passed away 2.5 yrs ago. I have 2 children of my own (13 & 17). My youngest gets along with his 3 kids, my oldest could care less about any of them. Here's the real issue.. his kids drive me absolutely batty and I lack tolerance for their behavior, so much that I'm constantly on them about everything. They do not know how to act in public and it's very embarassing. I'd rather go places without them any day. My children obviously know what I expect from them and get their respect and are well behaved.. for the most part. 
It's almost to the point that I don't even feel the slightest bond with them and I know this isn't fair to them as they don't have a mother any longer and none of this is their fault. Do I tell my husband that his kids are annoying to me? I do know they annoy him as well from the way they act, but not near as bad as me.
Please help... any advice is greatly appreciated!
MS
Re: step-children
I'm really feeling "MUD" on this, but in case not...
Why did you marry him? Why? You knew what his kids were like before. What did you think would change? You shouldn't have married him if you couldn't accept the entire package.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You all moved in together/got married w/o really spending that much time w/ each others kids? Seriously?
And no, you weren't o.k. w/ the entire package because you didn't know what the entire package was.
You're talking about what a great man he is, but everything you say about his kids points to a man who lets his kids get away w/ a lot and isn't really teaching them proper manners, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm with ECB on this one, why did you marry this man?
I also wanted to add that they lost their mother under three years ago and are still very young. Your children grew up with a mother being there - especially during their "hard awkward years". IMO It seems like you lack compassion and empathy for these children and expect them to be like yours when everyone is different. Especially children who have experienced the loss of a parent.
ETA - I'm not disregarding poor manners or giving the children an excuse to act out, just mainly guessing that there might be an actual reason they are acting out. Having lost their mother 2.5 years ago and then sensing that they've gained a new stepmother who doesn't like them very much.
You shouldn't have married him if this was a problem. I don't understand why you would continue to date someone, let alone get married, with a significant problem like this hanging over your heads.
If his kids are annoying, even to him, it reflects poorly on him. There is a reason they don't know how to behave in public. Obviously he and his first wife didn't do a good job of teaching them how to behave and disciplining them when they got out of line.
Since you've already gotten married, it looks like family counseling is in order- not because his kids are annoying, but because obviously everyone is having a difficult time adjusting to having a new family and communicating with each other in a productive manner. A counselor will be able to help you (all of you) talk about your expectations for each other and help you and your husband to work as a team raising all of your children.
We have done the family "game" night and rotated turns with letting the kids pick the game since there's a wide variety of ages. But his kids are more concerned with computers/gaming systems and lose interest in the games.
I do have sympathy for them losing their mother.. I couldn't imagine losing my mother at such a young age. She (1st wife) had cancer and I can't even begin to imagine how my life would be if I were in his shoes. I'm sure their world was turned upside down.. and I'm sure disciplining misbehaving kids was the last thing on their mind. But now his children are suffering due to it.
I know the way I am feeling is wrong on every level.. but it's the honest truth and I'm here looking for help. I do not want to crush my husband's feelings with any of this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes - especially when there are children involved and after huge loss, like your husband suffered shortly before you began to date.
OMG. Seriously? You think that because your in your 30's, a courtship of only 4 months where you haven't spent significant time w/ each others kids is o.k.?!?!
The fact that you're frustrated and annoyed by his kids, and by HIS PARENTING of his children, is exactly the issue. You moved too fast. you didn't give yourselves time to understand and learn about each other, each others kids, and each of you as parents.
And this isn't even speaking to what your kids must all be dealing w/. Mom or dad date someone for 4 months and the kids aren't given a chance to really know this person themselves, then BAM, now they are all moving in together.
And your defense is "Is tehre really a time frame for dating? We aren't in our 20's"??????
Again, speechless.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to all be in family counseling. These children are dealing with a lot of grief and you and your H have not worked out an effective manner to parent these children. A family counselor would help with the communication.
lol, This.
Maybe this is the by-product of being a step-child myself, but I have to say this.
I find you and your DH astoundingly selfish. You have a 4 month courtship where you don't spend time w/ each others kids. You don't give the kids time to get to know each of you, and each other. And really, you gave yourself no time to really gain an understanding of what his children may be going through having lost their mom (at that time) less than a year and a 1/2 earlier.
It was all about the 2 of you being madly in love, wasn't it? W/ absolutely no regard to how this all would affect your kids.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
the thing is this: it's not just about you and him. it's about them too. you gave little consideration to that and now you're angry about it and how they act. well-serves you right. i wont put a timeframe on dating but i WILL put a lot of stock in getting to know the kids first, before getting engaged, moving in etc.. you skipped over that part and assumed it would all be great. well-you know what they say about assuming. so live iwth your decision-you have no one to blame but yourselves and your hasty and fast relationship.
since you're already passed all of that all I can tell you is that, since you've become their step-mom, is to try and teach them what is a good way to act and what isn't. kids learn by teaching and example. i'm not surprised that the oldest doesn't like you or kids-i wouldn't either-especially so soon after losing their mom. here's comes you-who's embarassed of them and how they act and would prefer to never be around them in public. you think they don't sense that from you? wow-you are the poster child for mean step-mom. way to go! and i find it disgraceful that your dh lets you be so amazingly disrespectful to his kids.
This kinda reminds me of when my Dad got remarried. I met her like once or twice..... then like 2 weeks later they were married and she moved into the house with her 2 children. SURPRISE!! Now your living with bunch of strangers that you don't know.
Give these kids a break. 2 1/2 years is not that long ago for them loosing their mom.
Get on the same page with your H. Talk to him about it.
Say "DH I want to talk about how we can get the kids (ALL the kids) to behave better" Don't single out his children. Set up a plan and have consistency. And FOLLOW THROUGH.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Also speaking as a child of divorce, this has to be the worst possible way to get to know somebody as your new "parent".
My parents split the summer when I was 11. My mom was engaged by Nov. (I'd met the guy twice), re-married in Jan and dad was re-married by April.
I was horrible to my step-dad because I hardly knew him and he was already trying to be my new dad! "Bonding" is not instant just because you married the kid's parent. You need to spend time with them, do something they want to do and get to know each other.
And seriously you cannot just act like all of a sudden you are their mom, especially after such a short dating/engagement period. Authority figure, yes. Mom, no. That will take time. His kids are probably hurt by this situation and in their eyes, it is your fault.
ETA: Step-dad also had two young sons that came to live with us (myself, my mom and my younger brother). Step-mom had two girls my age. New siblings is also a very difficult adjustment for most children.
You said so yourself that when you were dating, it was mostly just the two fo you, not the kids. They were never given the chance to really understand what this means, who are you, who he is, who your kids are, etc etc etc. Then suddenly they are told "Hey, we're getting married". There was really never any room for them to fully understand what this means and have a REAL opinion anyhow. Especially the 8 year olds, who were, what, 6 1/2, maybe 7 at the time?
All of this explanation and defense doesn't change the fact that you and your DH, as the two responsible adults in this scenario, moved too fast and acted very selfishly. You didn't even give yourselves time to get to know each other's kids and the dynamics involved. Which is really the ultimate problem because now you're frustrated w/ how his kids act!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This whole situation is all new to his kids. They're probably acting out because there's a change in their living situation that they're just not used to yet. This new person whom they've only known 4 months stepped in and took over the role as their "mom." That's a lot to swallow. And kids are very insightful - they know when they're not liked/wanted/appreciated. I ditto the family counseling. Your H needs to get help with keeping his kids under control, you need help with accepting them as part of the package, and they need help with adapting to change.
The mistake here is that you moved fast and didn't have enough time to really get to know one another's children. I don't have any of my own kids but I was sure to spend several days a week with my SD after we got to know each other. I met her a couple months after H and I started dating, and we hit it off right away. I started out spending one day a week with them when she was with him, so she woudn't think I was instantly trying to move in on their relationship. Gradually the time I spent with both of them together increased by the week and I eventually kept her overnight and we had fun doing girly stuff together. I get along well with her mom, which is also important to her. H and I got engaged after 10 months of dating plus had a 19 month engagement, so during those 2 1/2 years she and I really got to know each other and establish a good relationship.
How about instead of saying "your kids are annoying me"... you try teaching them some manners? It's not out of line to say "ok kiddos.. this is what I expect of you in public..." and lay down the law. You can do that nicely and apply reasonable consequences for misbehavior. Your approach is failing... and telling your H that his kids annoy you is not the way to build on your relationship. Also, those kids need to be in counseling.
Ok... I started to type what I have above before reading responses.. and then I started reading responses and saw one of yours..You gave them the choice to call you mom? Are you insane? Your son is "just a teenager".. he's your son. He knows right from wrong better than you do. He's not happy with the situation because it's not right. If it were done properly - you might have a different situation on your hands. Either try harder - or get out. You're damaging those little kids and they've already been through enough.
I have tried teaching them manners.. giving them instruction on how to act in public, not chew with mouth open/talk with mouth full of food... it's not working. And how am I insane for giving them the choice to call me mom or not? His daughter asked if she could call me "mom". Was I supposed to tell her NO? I told her she could call me mom or by my first name, whichever she was most comfortable with.