Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My "Stepwife" wants to hyphenate her sons name
My husbands ex-wife got married 2 months before us. Now she has taken to hyphenating her (their) sons name to include her new married name. My Husband is NOT ok with this and has tried to talk with her only to have it turn into huge *hit talking from her about what kind of father he is. (He has followed her around the country-3 states so far) and we just sold everything and moved states again to be 2 miles away so he could be closer. So he is not a bad dad. His son is the last in line with the family name (unless I have a son) and she tells him to deal with it. That it is his pride and jealousy and their son can have her name too. LEGALLY she cant change his name without Dads consent, but that doesnt stop her from having it printed hyphenated on football jerseys and such, which makes it very awkward at games. His son is 10 and wants to please everyone. Dad said he could change it when he is older if he chooses, but for now that is his name.His new stepdad is assistant coaching everything and a good guy, but his name is his own.
How do we shut this down without causing more problems? Obviously reasoning is out of the question-tried that.... she responds better to me than him, but this is not a battle I can really help him fight. It is a man thing. It is stressful and I am hesitant to change my name yet so she doesnt feel that a new woman has her sons name.
Re: My "Stepwife" wants to hyphenate her sons name
He tries to avoid conflict with her at every turn, and I respect that. No good comes from argueing...This is his first and only son, and while there is nothing wrong with her wanting to share a name with her child-she changed her name when married, the child didn't. Not only do I think this is disrespectful, but I think it sends the wrong message about her re-marrying. Families have different names and her changing hers does not make him less of a part of their family. It is as much about her wanting to say the "jones family" as anything. Which I get-she is starting a new family life and THANKFULLY she gave up my husbands family name so that I can take it. (I waited 2 yrs to marry him because I shallowly didnt want to share a name with an ex-wife).
The conflict alone makes it uncomfortable. She wants to be buddy buddy to my face, though I know she talks poorly about me behind my back. I support my husband on this and we are a team. She wants to hang out with me while this is going on. Of course my feeling are hurt that she is bashing him. I try to keep the peace-we are all co-parents and have been for 5 yrs.
Renegade I'm usually right there with you, but not on this one. Oh hellls NO! These kids have a father! Why should they take on their step-dads name? I can see if their father wasn't in the picture, but in this case he is. BM is crazycakes for trying to do that. It's confusing to the kids, and completely disrespectful to their father.
Thanks, I have not discussed this with her because it is not my place. I try to be as understanding as possible...I do not know what it feels like to be a divorced mother, re-married....but I would never. My mother remarried and had 3 more children with my stepdad. I do not share their name and grew up without any social stigma.
I advised him to stay strong and not cave (even though it is usually easier to give into her) she is pleasant as long as she gets her way...as are most women myself included.
He feels pushed out already. He is not consulted on any decisions, not invited to parent teacher conferences, or advised about travel except as an afterthought. The name thing goes just one step too far. I am usually very good at mediating any situation....I know she is digging her heels in the ground to be a *itch at this point. What to do without involving a judge?
Honestly, I were in your shoes, I would urge my husband to contact his attorney and threaten legal action if she doesn't stop this nonsense.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
To clarify: I did not ask her to give up her name. HA. She would have kept it forever if I had. Though I did consider trying to buy it off her ;-) Plus, I wouldn't have asked.
In fact I had to silently hold my breath praying that she would find a man soon and get married and change her name. I know lots of women share names, but that doesnt take the sting out of it for me. I already have to deal with her presumably forever, or at least until his son is 18. He came with a package that I pray for patience to deal with. I am even delaying changing my name until this blows over, that way only H and son have the family name. No additional fuel needed.
This is probably the 3rd guy she has brought around the child in 5 yrs I have been around. When he was younger he would get confused and call them all dad....so sad...for everyone. Thankfully he is old enough to understand-at least to some degree that I am an additional parent (so is the new stepdad) and he has a mother and father that love him. He tells me she is crazy and doesn't listen.
It seems that he's done all he can at this point. Time for third party invervention... meaning time to get legal advice.
She's depriving him of his parental responsibilities (not notifying him of parent/teacher conferences, isn't allowed input on decisions involving their child, isn't told about travel, etc). She could essentially take off in the middle of the night and he'd have no where to go. She needs to knock this shizz off.
My parents were divorced and I lived with my mom. She tried to change my name to my step-dad's, but my dad wasn't having it and that was the end of it. However, she always involved him in all matters pertaining to me and he always knew when we were traveling (where, when, return time, etc) and it never encroached on his visitation schedule.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Sorry, I deleted my previous comment because I misjudged.
After re-thinking, I'm more on your side. This lady sounds pretty selfish, from what you're telling me.
I think the most important thing here is the child. With all the moving, new boyfriends and name-changing, it sounds like this mom might just be confusing the poor kid!
THIS
I feel bad for the child. He's ten and his name is being used by the adults in his life as a pissing contest. It is outrageous for his mother to arbitrarily change it under the protest of his bio dad. Dad "not caving" does not do the child any good. No good at all. The child doesn't win. No one wins, it just keeps the drama going.
As the father, in name and all, HE needs to be plugged-in and engaged at the school for parent-teacher conferences. He has to stop wishing that the bio mom will not push him out and start getting-in directly. He needs to call the school, ask questions and put dates/times in his calendar for meetings and events.
And are there other instances where the name is used - other than the jersey - on the team where the step-dad is the assistant coach? Because, honestly, that just makes the mom look like crazy cakes. A few years down the line the son is going to look back and tell everyone the crazy story of how his mother hyphenated his step-dad's name on his football jersey. I hope he's laughing when he tells it, and not crying is some therapist's office. I think your DH has to see this through his son's eyes, those eyes that want to please everyone, and can't. As a father, a real father, who cares about how this is ripping him apart. Ands helps him tell the story with laughter and not bitterness.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I think the BSC bio-mother is goingto make this an issue you and your DH will have to take to court.
I did mention she sounds BSC right?
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
If she were insisting that her son completely drop his father's last name, that would be absolutely unreasonable. I like the suggestion that she hyphenate her name- that sounds like a much better solution for anyone involved.
I think it's very interesting that you brought up the fact that the son doesn't need to take on the name of his new family in order to be a part of it, but then in the same post you mentioned that you put off changing your name for TWO YEARS specifically because you didn't want to share your husband's last name with his ex-wife. Clearly, names are important to people, often because they feel that a common name creates a sense of unity and identity. If you didn't feel that way, you wouldn't have chosen to take your husband's name. Looking at it from that perspective, I don't think it's BSC that the ex would want to share a family name with her kid.
Obviously, it's a situation that needs to be handled carefully and always with the kid's best interests in mind. From what you've posted about her, maybe it has more to do with spite than with sharing a bond with her son, and I can understand why your husband would find it troubling. Unfortunately, sometimes there are no easy compromises after a divorce when there are children involved.
ETA: I just re-read your second post, and I realized that you actually delayed getting married just so you and the ex wouldn't have the same last name. That's just reinforcing my point that you can't be upset with her for placing as much importance on family names as you do. As someone else said earlier, both of this kid's parents are using his name as a pawn, and he's the one who is going to suffer the most because of it.
Ditto. This poor kid. Can you imagine a 10 year old trying to explain why he has a hyphenated name sometimes? What a biitch! I would say at this point you have obviously done what you can so it's time to take the next step.
As a teacher, here are my two cents...
Every student I have ever had with a hyphenated last name hated it. It was annoying to them. They would write "Sally G-H" on their papers or only use the first name.
Your husband cannot use the excuse that his ex is pushing him away when he doesn't get information about school things, etc. Any school will be happy to contact divorced parents of children individually. It is up to him to make that happen so they know to do it.
Now, as for not being told about travel plans, etc. your husband definitely needs to seek some legal counsel.
Frankly, I have been very unsure (and we have had many discussions before marriage) about changing my name at all. I have a career and business cards, etc. Basically all the arguments women have for NOT changing their names at all. In the end we decided it was important to him and we made compromises that were acceptable to both of us. And not wanting to share a name with her is completely my brand of crazy. It is petty and silly and shouldn't bother me, but does, did, whatever.
I appreciate the feedback from all sides. I needed to get an outside opinion because we are both so involved and I want to be able to help him logically thru an emotional decision.
You bring up a good point-on his homework he only writes his real name not the new hyphenated version. She is pushing it, not him. And this has only just begun when we went to his football game to see that he has a jersey with another mans name on it. Not a good time to bring it up, then its already printed made, season is only x long blah lbah.
The Dogs and Us
I'm wondering how important it is to the exW that she and her son share a name, as much as it is important to her that she drive your h crazy.
You waited two years b/c you couldn't stand the thought of sharing the same name as exW? You gave her and the name she took when she married your H a LOT of power! Ditto this latest "scandal."
If you have the $, I would DEFINATELY involve a lawyer. Not just for the name, but for everything. If your H had lawyered up before, he wouldn't have had to move, b/c often parents have to show a compelling reason to take their children out of state. A new boyfriend does not count, and the job had better be a d*mn good one. Involvement in parent-teacher conferences and school activities and medical decisions is another reason to have an agreement that is backed by court order (although some of this falls on your h. If MY H had primary custody of our children, you can BET that I would still know the teacher, still have a copy of the school schedule, and have my own conference with the teacher even if H wasn't at the same conference that I was). The name thing is just gravy. But as long as you are with a lawyer, I would add that. Especially to enforce that she is not to hyphenate his name for any legal purposes.
Face Painting Blog | Body Art Blog
Legal Blog
So I get that you could seek an injunction to stop her doing it BUT what would be the penalty if she did not comply?
This.
Go to the school this afternoon and bring a copy of the CO. Tell the school office that you want to be added to any snail mail list and email list that goes out to parents so that you can be kept up to date on the boy's activities.
Then march down the hall to the teacher's room. Tell her that communication has been difficult, but that you want to be put on any email list she might have to parents. Ask to email the teacher weekly to stay on top of things. Do the same thing with coaches/activity leaders, etc.
To be an involved non-custodial parents takes work. The ex has shown that she will not co-parent well, so go around her.
Face Painting Blog | Body Art Blog
Legal Blog