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Need Opinions
If you remember my crazy former bridesmaid/best friend story, then you'll get this kinda. If not, i dont have time to explain it right now (posting and running).
Got this email today (over 6months since last speaking to her). I dont even know if i will respond and im definitely going to have zig read it and really thing about things.
What are your thoughts on this?
--------
Kimmy,
The past few days Ive done a lot of thinking about what happened between us
and our friendship a few months ago... I know that it will be very difficult
for you to accept my apology due to the way i just ended our friendship out
of the blue, but I want you to know that everything that I am about to say
comes from the bottom of my heart .
The reason I decided to write you this letter is because our friendship is
too valuable to me to end it over me being worried that you and Ziggy
wouldn't accept the decisions that i had made.. I feel that I could have
handled the situation in a better way, but i was so scared that you two
would be mad that i didn't come to you about everything going on . I hope
this letter will give us both a chance to understand why this all happened.
I will fully admit that just ending a friendship with no reasoning or
explanation to you was so so wrong of me to do, and I'm sure i hurt you. I
need to apologize for that Kim, because the last thing i would ever want to
do is hurt your feelings. Id like to explain myself to you. After Ryan and i
ended things it was pretty tough for me for a few weeks. I was so sure that
Ryan and i were going to work things out and everything would be fine. It
wasn't like that at all. I woke up and asked myself "Why are we together, Am
i happy?" And i had no answers. I was lonely , and tired of the same thing
with him. I was tired of the same fights. Hes a great guy. Just not for me.
Then i start hanging out with "new" Ryan. And i completely fell head over
heels. He was 100% everything that i wanted in a guy. Owns a House, Has a
steady job, rarely drinks, and most important to me, he respects me more
then any other human Ive ever met. I should have told you that him and i
were getting more serious, but it all happened so fast that i think i was
just caught up in the newness of the relationship.
He makes me so happy, every single day . Anyways, Ryan and i got really
close and March 15th he asked me to marry him. So i asked my self the same
question " Why are we together , and Am i happy?" and for once , i had a
million reasons why i shouldn't say no to this. So, we had already booked
the trip to Vegas with our two best friends, so we decided while we were out
there , we would tie the knot in a really small ceremony. Which is what we
did. We came home , and we decided until we were ready to tell our familes,
that friends shouldn't know ahead of them, so we tried to keep it quiet.
As for not going to your wedding (which i regret every single day Kim) i was
scared that you two would just see us as crazy for getting married so soon,
or you wouldn't agree with what we did. I was so worried that no one would
accept us.
I'm sorry that i hurt you , i never intended to do that. I loved the
friendship we had, and hopefully some day we can be that way again. But for
now, i just wanted you to know where i was coming from. You can respond of
you want, and if you don't, i understand .
Take Care,
L
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
Re: Need Opinions
Hmm..while she does make a point to apologize to you about it which is good I feel like the whole thing of her gettin so caught up with this new guy and pushing your friendship to the side because of it isn't really a good excuse to me IMO.
I guess I feel like if it were me I would feel confused on why she didn't come and talk to you about it in the first place even though she said she was worried about your reaction. If you guys had such a good friendship she should have felt like she could come and talk to you instead of just ending the friendship like she did ya know.
So I guess my opinion is, at least she apologized but I don't really feel like her excuses are really that understandable, sorta like she didn't really try enough to talk to you.
I agree with Lil lar. While it does hold some merit that she apologized (and to me, it does sound like she legitimately regrets the way things wrked out), I don't think I would be able to forgive and forget. If she valued your friendship and you guys were really that close, she should have been open and honest, knowing that you wouldn't judge her (even if you don't necessarily agree with her.)
My best friend has made decisions in her life that are not what I would have done. But as best friends, she knows that I respect her for making the decisions she feels were right for her. And I support her, even though it isn't always what I would do. I think that's how a friendship should work. So even if she knew you may not agree with it, as friends, she should have known you weren't going to rub it in her face if you did think she made a rash decision.
I understand her not wanting to announce to all thier friends they were married if family didn't know, but that doesn't mean that they can't still be involved in other people's lives. I think saying they didn't come because people would judge them is a sad reason for not coming. It was YOUR day and people were there for you. If people were giving her the side-eye, most people would have enough tact not to bring it up at your wedding.
I think hindsight is 20/20, and she is starting to realize what she has lost. She is probably starting to realize what bridges she has burned. And while I would appreciate the apology, (like I said, I think it's legit.) I don't know if I could just say I forgive you and go back to how things were.
Here's my question for "friend":
If she hadn't even announced that she was married...what was the issue with coming to your wedding? She says she worried about your reaction...but no one would have known they were married! She could have come and just played it off as "this is my new man." End of story.
I do agree with PP, too. Although she seems to be trying to apologize...it really doesn't hold a lot of water IMO. She still seems like she's trying to get you to feel sorry for her and just weaseling her way out of taking responsibility for being a super-douche.
you all have good points. the letter is sort-of an apology and sort-of a cop out. she knew from the get-go in our friendship that i never judged her for anything that she did. i loved her whatever her decisions were. I even told her this when i asked her if she had gotten married. i would have had no problem her telling me she didnt adn keeping our relationship going and telling me later after the families knew, but she had no interest.
and its not like i had approached the subject bitchy...i literally said to her, did you get married in vegas!? if so...yay and congrats! if not, then im crazy and nevermind :P. not aggresive or judgey at all IMO.
and the fact of not goign to the wedding, she decided way back in april/may to NOT be in the wedding and not go to the wedding. by that point, everyone knew they were married and yes, her x-bf was a groomsman and his parents were coming to the wedding too, but they have enough tact not to be assholes at OUR wedding. Groomsman even said this when we werent sure if she was coming or not.
the whole thing just rubs me the wrong way. yes, you were an *** and completely went against everything that our friendship was based on. yes, maybe i wouldnt have been happy that you got married because i was worried about your well-being, but it would have not made me love you less and i would have supported you either way. yes, ive heard that your husband is a huge douche by the nicest of our (well now just my) mutual friends, so much so that they dont even talk to you anymore.
but then i think about all the good stuff and it just makes my head spin. she was my best friend, and im a forgiving person. but i dont know if i could really forgive what she did...she literally broke my heart harder than any love-interest/boyfriend ever did (and i had my share of that lol). can you forgive someone for that? could i even learn to trust her enough to at least have fun together or would that be at the back of my mine ALL the time? UGH
its like...if she really knew me at all, then she should have realized when this whole situation went down that i would have loved her not matter what path she chose so long as i was a part of it.
and the whole crappiness of the situation is compounded by the fact that i dont have any other close friends and im lonely now already. so it makes me want it back even more, except i dont truly believe i could ever put my heart into it to make it work (or that she wouldnt do it all over again to me).
***...i dont like this. not one bit.
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
I didn't read all the other replies...but I'm going to say this.
Over a year ago (July 2009) I had a friend get pissed at me (I have guesses as to why, she gave me a sort of reason but wouldn't talk it out, her reasoninbg was ridiculous and I think there were other things involved but I have no clue).
And I would love it if she sent me a letter like this.
Apology or not, I'd be happy to have the letter and have maybe some closure, if that makes sense. We were so close for over 10 years, and then all of a sudden....I don't know.
If you weren't lonely and sad where you are right now, would you want to be friends with her again? Do you trust her? Do you believe she is actually sorry for being a mondo b!tch?
I remember you talking about this stuff pre-wedding, was she also the one with a really mean blog? I might've confused someone else, if so, sorry....
If it were me, now, I don't know what I would do. We were such great friends until this happened with us....but I don't know that I'd trust her again. She had this freak out on me when I needed her most, right after H left for six weeks of training, I'd gotten injured and was having a miserably hard time...and after saying how she was going to be my cheerleader she bailed on me, no explanation, nothing.
The six weeks without H is nothing compared to what it will be like when he deploys, and I do not trust her (if she came crawling back). I'd think she would do the exact same thing and I don't need that sort of negative energy in my life when I'm dealing with my H being in danger.
So you have to ask yourself, is it worth it?
You could be friendishp...drinks or a movie or something, when you are feeling really lonely and need a break. You could see where it goes, if she's truly sorry, etc.
But the fact that she wouldn't tell her closest friend she was married...it's shady. She was either embarrassed she got married in the first place, or she didn't consider you that good of a friend (IMO). I mean...it's been what, six months that she's been married? It's BS.
I think you need to think about this with your heart and head, and not your feelings. And ask yourself what is an acceptable to be treated, or to not be treated. And if this person, with all past actions included, worth keeping in your life?
Kim,
I feel about the same as PP's. I think it's great that she sent you that note - at least you know that she feels badly (which she should). I remember the craziness with her blocking you out, getting married randomly, and dropping out of your wedding, and if it were me, I don't think I'd be able to forgive her. However, it sounds like you would regret not trying to reconcile your relationship a little bit.
Also, your second post sounds like all the things you want to say to here - I think that should pretty much be your reply. Tell her how much she hurt you and all those things you said. If you're going to ever be able to have a relationship with her, you need to tell her how you are feeling now.
Good luck!
thanks ladies. this gives me a lot to think about, which is what i needed. whatever i decided, i want to make sure its done with a level head.
i guess that hardest thing is, that im a very forgiving person and i pretty much always give people a second chance...but i keep thinking that giving her another chance would only allow her to do the same sh*t again to me.
i honestly dont know if i wasnt so lonely and lacking friends right now if i would still be considering it....i think maybe i would b/c of the friendship we had (or what i thought we had)...but i cant seem to put myself into the shoes of me w/o being lonely right now so idk.
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
I absolutely agree with this. I think it's good that she's making the first step in trying to repair your friendship. Her apology sounds sincere though her reasoning is crappy.
However, I think everything you said in your 2nd post....reply to her with that. She should know how you feel about it and just let her know that you appreciate her apology and explaination but that you are so deeply hurt by what she did that you're not sure if you are able to forgive her just yet. Maybe in time the friendship can be built back up or maybe the friendship is just over. Only you can decide that...but don't feel like you have to make that decision right this very second.
This is a tough situation, and I don't blame you one bit for feeling cautious. But if it were me, I'd like to think that I would give her another chance. She's coming to you trying to re-build your friendship. She know she was wrong, and even if her apology was full of excuses, she seems to know that she was wrong. You wouldn't have to forget what happened or trust her unconditionally right away (or if ever), but I think that it would be a good idea to give her another chance. Good luck with whatever you decide