Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Kids as house guests
Every Sunday we go to my parents house to have dinner. DS walks around and like to explore like any 14 month old. I am always watching him. I am just a jump away from grabbing him and redirecting his attention. My parents are constantly saying no to him. It drives me nuts! He has never ruined anything at their home, but they still spaz every time the kid moves.Here are some things that they freaked out about tonight... he touched a floor lamp and it slightly wobbled, he put is hands on the glass of a french door. (They are worried about him loosening the glass panels) He pushed a button and turned the TV on once. He threw a couple pieces of food off the side on his high chair on their newly refinished hardwood floor. I understand that a you need to watch your child when you visit someone's home, but there is no space for my son to be a 14 month old in their home. I am getting to the point where I do not want to go over there for dinner anymore. I do not want my child to hear no a million times when he visits his grandparents. I grew up like this and had low self confidence as a result of so much negative behavior. What would you do? They are very difficult to reason with.
Re: Kids as house guests
If you don't want to go over, then don't go. This isn't really something to "reason" w/ them about. Your DS can't be himself at their house, so don't go. All you need to say is he's at an age where he wants to explore, but you understand that their house isn't kid friendly, so for now, you'll have to forego on the weekly dinners.
This places no blame - it just states the facts.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ugh. We just had a very similar experience with my family (not concerning me, but concerning my parents and one of my sisters who had a 1 yo). Here's what I told them, maybe it will help you too.
Your parents have a right to tell people (of any age) what is and is not ok at their house. I don't think they have a right to discipline your child, but if he's at their house, they have a right to request that he not touch things, or play with things; when a child is involved this often means saying, "No," or "Don't touch."
You, as a parent, have a right to not take your child to a place where you don't feel he is welcome, or treated well.
You can't control how they behave in their own house. If you don't like it, you don't have to go over there. I do, though, think it is only fair to discuss it with them before making such a drastic decision.
I agree with this!
Me too...whether you are dealing with in-laws, family friends, or peers of your kids, you have so much more control over the atmosphere and safety of the situation when you host it yourselves. Its a lot of work, but you always know whats going on and can prepare for certain situations -- my mom followed this rule all the way through high school. She hosted bday parties, dinners, new years parties, and sleepovers as much as she could, our friends loved our house and family and my mom knew where we were and how much/little we had access to. Nothing unsafe or illegal ever went on!
Ditto this and MKESweetie's reply.
What do your parents care if you don't like it when they say "no" all of the time, and you are left frustrated and unhappy? They still get what they want - control, PLUS nothing happening to their precious French door panes, PLUS a visit from your and their grandchild.
You couldn't say "no" to your parents when you were younger and unhappy in their home, but you can say something now. "Sorry mom and dad, but going to your home is too stressful for me. It's really not fun for me when I feel I have to watch DS like a hawk b/c your home isn't kid-friendly. I just can't make it every week. Maybe we'll try another visit in a month."
I agree with the good advice of other posters about not going there and inviting them.
I'll add that it would be a safe bet that your mother/parents won't easily go along with it. While 'fine and reasonable' they will hate giving you the control for meals and hosting and really hate you not visiting them, on their terms each week. You, in turn, will churn with guilt and anxiety and will re-live that sense of powerlessness that your parents imposed whenever they said "no" and stripped your sense of self and your self-worth as a person.
So, while the advice is good and valid, and should be followed - it will be difficult. Prepare yourself.
Oh, and definately prepare yourself for a huge backlash on how "wrong" you are for letting little one touch everything and how poor your parenting is, in general- since it differs from them. You spelled it out quite clearly that their parenting had some pretty poor influences on you and you want to protect your child from the same. It's a safe bet that they won't be wild that you don't flatter and validate them with the same parenting techniques. Again, be prepared.
I think they have every right to decide what goes on in their house. They have raised their kids and are now enjoying a kid-free life, including nice french doors and new clean floors.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices:
1. Host dinners in your own home. It would be more work and I'm not sure if your parents would be ok moving dinners from their home (as others have said), but your son could behave as he likes.
2. Have more control over your son when you visit your parents. I'm not saying he behaves badly or that you aren't watching him, but just make sure he doesn't go around touching everything or throwing food on the floor. I would imagine this is tough, but if you're at someone else's house, you should do everything you can to keep their home intact and clean.
Good luck!
There's another choce - not hosting, and not going over. It sounds as if the weekly dinners are kind of mandatory, and not too much fun for the OP. Yes, if she WANTS to see her parents every week, she can offer to host, but there's no rule that if you don't want to go to your mom's every week, YOU need to have THEM over!
You imagine that, huh? The thing is - is that it is developmentally appropriate for a toddler to touch the world around him and to drop food onto the floor - much to the angst of attentive parents all over the world. And from what the poster described, it in no way kept the home from being either intact or clean. So if a person, a grandparent, can't make the normal leap to connect that fact that a toddler = touches and spills (and BTW won't tolerate being confined or restarined very long, and shouldn't be) then the parent should not visit the home ... not strive for some unrealistic standard of "watching him".
You must be thinking of a much older child, like 6 or 7 years old where there is some expectation. It does not apply for an 18 months old. And its sad tha grandma can't make the connection.
I'm aware. I actually stated that I don't think he behaves badly, and that I don't think she's a bad parent.
I also sad it would be difficult.
Personally, I think he sounds like a great kid and I'd love to have him in my home... but if the grandparents want their home run a certain way, that's their prorogative and there's not much she can do about that since they are guests.
IF they decide to continue going to the grandparents' home, they'll have to respect how they want their property to be treated. Again, there are always more kid-friendly options, like hosting at their own home, going out to eat, or not getting together at all.
But thanks for only reading half a sentence of what I wrote.
True! I might go for that option, now that you mention it
...ditto this...lol!