Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
More In-law drama (sort of)
My in-laws suck at being parents. FIL is the one who actually really sucks at parenting, but MIL is guilty by association because she won't call him out. FIL has not called DH since April, but DH has tried to reach out to him. There is enough back story to fill a page, but suffice to say that FIL is very selfish & hurtful to DH. On the other hand, I am very lucky to have awesome parents, and they love DH like he is their own son.
Fast forward to the Holidays. We have always tried to see his parents at Christmas, even though they live 2 hours away from my parents. This year, DH says he doesn't want to see them at all. He says if they happen to have a get together on a day that we aren't with my family, and give us enough notice, that he would probably go, but that is it. He also says that if they don't care enough to reach out to us during the year, then why do they deserve our time at the holidays.
You would think I would be THRILLED about this--I hate leaving my loving family to go to their house, and the visit is always awkward (made that way by FIL). But somehow, I feel like cutting them out on Christmas will probably cut them out of our lives entirely. A few years ago, that option sounded great, but now I'm not so sure. I'm worried that DH will make a decision in anger that will have unintended repercussions.
So, what are your thoughts? What should I do? Do I encourage him to make the time to see them, or do I zip it? TIA!
Re: More In-law drama (sort of)
Sounds like a very similar situation that my H and I had a few years ago. He would call on a regular basis, only to get their voice-mail, and they never would return his calls. He then stopped calling to see how long it took them to pick up a phone and try. So, when he stopped all of a sudden he was being accused of not caring or loving them enough. This went on for over a year. BTW, it took them 8 months to even pick up a phone and call him directly, and even then it was far and few between.
I let him handle it, but was there as support. He sat both of his parents down and explained the situation. That he wasn't feeling like they cared enough on their end to return his calls when he was trying. So why would he keep calling?
It took awhile, as a lot of his family viewed us as the "bad guys" and that we didn't care or love them enough, when that was never the case. When you start to feel alienated there is only so much you can do to show you are trying, before you back off because it doesn't seem like they care.
I understand how hurt you and your H are in this situation, but you do have to ask yourself if you want the relationship to improve. If neither side is willing to lay the issues out on the line to be able to deal with them, then they won't get handled and it will only get worse. The year we were having issues, my H said the same thing. However, we did make a point to show up because we didn't want to compound the situation anymore then it already was. We didn't stay long, just long enough to say "hello, Merry Christmas" and watch a bit of T.V., but we at least still showed so they couldn't come back with more accusations of us not caring.
Best of luck! I know how frustrating it can be!
DH's family = DH's choice.
We are not going to see our most of our ILs for either Thanksgiving or Christmas because I am VERY PG and they REFUSE to come here to see us. My DH said we are not going, and he is not upset about it.
If they are not making an effort, neither should you. Relationships, family or otherwise, never work when they are one-sided. If you really feel that bad, ask DH if it would be ok to invite them over for Christmas Eve or even the day after Christmas. That way, when they refuse, you are not perceived as the evil ones!
As long as you aren't being put in a harmful situation as a result of his decision, I agree.
I get that you dont' want him to make this decision out of anger, but at the same time, this might be the start of him going down the path to accepting how his parents are.
And thats what I was thinking as I read this. His parents suck. And that sucks. Esp when your family is so different. but this is who his parents are. They aren't going to change at this point in their lives.
So your DH needs to start working w/ WHO they are, not who he WISHES they are. He needs to find a way to accept this and then start working w/in those parameters.
And if that means he doesn't see them often, and you spend most holidays w/ your family- then so be it. That's what you do. Right now, it's out of anger. But I hope that in time, he'll get to a place where it's out of acceptance.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10