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Where to go for the holidays?
Does anyone else have this issue? We constantly disagree where we will spend our holidays. With my side of the family, there are always 2 get togethers because there are 2 families, and then there is his family. So we have 3 families to visit on any one given holiday.
So I am flexible to a point on cutting out one of the two of my families.. However I can't cut them both out. His family is being so unreasonable and is very upset over x-mas this year. On x-mas eve we will spend with my one family. And x-mas day we will spend wtih my other family. Then the day after x-mas we invited my husbands family over to spend the entire day with us at our house. this way we dont have to do a dine and dash event on x-mas day. Well this is not acceptable to his family.
What they dont see, is that we spent all of x-mas iwth them last year and did not see my family at all. So we made accomodations this year.
Does anyone else run into this issue or a similar issue? I mean, someone has to be flexible. And his family doesn't want to be. So now this is having a big effect on us cause we continue to argue on it. Please help.
Re: Where to go for the holidays?
I feel your pain. This is the first year I will not be spending with my extended family on Christmas Eve. It really saddens me, but, at the same time, I don't want to be selfish. We have decided that what works best for us is to spend Christmas Eve with his family the whole day and then spend Christmas Day with my family the whole day. This is what works best for us. There may be some hurt feelings, but, I have learned that you can't please everyone. Sometimes, peoples feelings will get hurt along the way, but, lets face it, Christmas only lasts 24 hours and sometimes, it's impossible to fit everything/everyone in.
Good luck to you guys! My advice would be to do what works best for you and your DH. If the families get upset about it, than they're being unreasonable, and you should offer them an alternate plan: You don't see them at all for the holidays! (but, that's kind of harsh, and I don't think I would ever be able to pull that one off!) G'Luck
The first part is that the two of you have to get on the same page about the holidays and what's a fair division of your time.
Last year you spent Christmas with his family and didn't see yours; this year you're spending Christmas with your family and not seeing his till the day after. Next year you'll probably switch, right?
When you have these discussions with your husband, frame it as "Let's decide together what's going to be best FOR THE TWO OF US and how WE want to spend our holidays" rather than "Your family's inflexible" and "Your family shouldn't get double time because they have two gatherings" going back and forth. You decide how you're going to do it, and then you tell everybody what you've decided. If someone pitches a fit, end the conversation: "I'm sorry, but this isn't up for discussion."
People pitch fits and whine and scream and kick their heels because it WORKS. So...make it stop working.
From day 1 DH & I agreed to do every other holiday. My family is in PA & his is 1hr from us. Last year we did Thanksgiving with my family, that whole week, and Christmas we stayed with his family. This year Christmas is in PA & Thanksgiving in Indiana. It really is the far way to do it. We don't have kids yet, and we might move in a couple years so things might change & we might be inviting family to our house. But I think alternating is the most fair thing to do.
You & your DH need to get on the same page and don't let either families dictate your schedule or guilt you into anything.
well, i think you are being perfectly reasonable. you spent xmas with them last year and this year, you are spending it with your family -- but still are including his family the day after, which seems more than fair. next year, you can spend the actual day with his family and so on.
get your H to talk to them - he should be navigating these issues with his own family. and DO NOT BEND on this or you will se t a precedent that you can be bullied into falling to their wishes, which will make next year impossible!
this.
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Well first of all they are allowed to be upset about not seeing you guys on christmas. However, just because they are upset, that doesn't mean you have to give in. All you have to say is " I'm sorry but we will not be able to make it till the 26th" and leave it at that.
Remember, this is your holiday too and you can spend it however you please. You and your husband are more than just pawns for others to enjoy their holidays. Do what is best for you and your husband first and foremost.
for us, it doesn't matter what either of our respective families want. we do what works for us. period. they are happy to see us when we come down and miss us when we don't but we don't get grief over it because they know it won't help, it will make us do the opposite.
Since we live further away from mine and logistically it takes a lot more to go there since DH can't stay with any of my family since he has really bad cat allergies, we don't go back there for the holidays often. This year we are. Last year we did his family, the year before that we did his because i couldn't go home because of deployment. Prior to that i would just fly home and he'd stay in Jersey. We no longer do thanksgiving because we don't want the 2 hour drive to his parents house when both of us work the next day.
pick what works for you and do it. if they need to be selfish and immature then let them.
This. You invited the in-laws to your place on Christmas Eve. If they choose to decline that's their business, but it doesn't mean you have to scramble to fit into what they want.
You've let them know you won't see them on Christmas day. You've invited them over another day. You can buckle to their tantrums, or you can just say, "oh well see you another time." if they decline your invite.
THey are allowed to be upset, but it doesn't mean you have to change anything. Your DH needs to handle this and all he needs to say is "This is what works for us this year. If you don't want to come, I understand. We'll miss seeing you this year for the holiday.".
Period, end of story. don't explain/defend, etc. Just say "This is what works for us" and move on.
If they don't come, then they don't come. But as someone else said - if you do scramble and try to change things up, you will only tell them "Get mad and stomp your feet - you'll get your way"
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Holidays are always difficult but it sounds to me like you and your husband need to come to an agreement first and foremost, then if his family doesn't agree, so be it, they don't agree.
If Christmas was spent with his family last year, then it seems only fair to have Christmas spent with his family this year. What part is his family disagreeing to??
All this being said, I would say I can how with split families it becomes difficult, therefore I wouls say your family gets half the time, his family gets half the time. Your family then needs to split your half into two because you have two families. If you want to do this by splitting holidays every other year, that seems easy, or do Christmas Eve side and Christmas with the other. Just split your families time in half on your day.