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How do you truely forgive?
Hi Ladies:)
I have had an extensive unpleasant relationship with my MIL and SIL, so much so that it was decided by my H and I that they stay over there and we stay over here. After 10 years of petty, abusive behavior we reached our limit. I am really resentful of her for taking a family I was supposed to gain when I married away from me because she doesn't like me, she spread untrue rumors about me to the extended family, most of which I have never even met but have heard that she was bad mouthing me to them.
Anyway, I know this is bad, but I think I might truely hate her, and to a lesser degree my SIL. I dont want to but just the meantion of their names makes my blood boil. I mean this women has done some really dirty, manipulative things. I cant seem to let them go and they are just eating at me. Staying away from her helps, but I remember everything she has done and it eats at me. Any suggestions?
Re: How do you truely forgive?
I am confused by this...you don't see them anymore?
That's what he decided?
Why didn't he decide he should put his mother in his place when she started in on you?
Maybe you ought to decide she stays over there, along with him.
Are you going to start seeing these people again?!?!?
After I realize that there really isn't anything they could say or do within the laws of time, space, physics (and sometimes intelligence) to make it up to me, it gets a bit easier to move on.
Forgiveness comes when you come to the realization that there is nothing you could have done to change the events of the past.
The only person thinking about these things is you. Im sure that MIL doesnt spend any time at all thinking about the behavior that you obsess over.Chalk it up to experience, and focus on your family.If your husbands family is toxic, and you dont want to be around them, then dont be.You're a grown woman.
It's not a serious as your situation, but I had a person in my life who was overly cruel about a couple of things towards my DH and I. Honestly, I haven't fully "forgiven" him and I dont' know that I will.
But, here is what I've learned.
First, I actually feel pity for him. this guy is ultimately an unhappy person and what he said to us came out of a place of sadness, of needing to try and make himself feel better at our expense.
It doesn't excuse him at all, but I actually do feel sorry for him that he doesn't have the ability to figure out why he's so cruel and why he uses his "friends" to make himself feel better.
Second, it takes time. He moved away 4 years ago, and over time, we've seen him less and less, and it's now been over a year since we've seen or had ANY contact w/ him.
Trust me, distance and NO contact do make it easier to move past the anger and pain!
I dont' ever want him in my life again, but I am at a place where just the mere thought of him doesn't make me angry the way it used to. And again, I feel sorry for him. He's a sad individual - but one I'm GLAD isn't in my life.
Just recently, my DH actually said that he actually, finally, feels nothing for this guy. He could care less about him now (vs feeling hatred!)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't ever forget....or really forgive, if I am being honest.
I absoutely detest my MIL. And SIL. And BIL. (DH's siblings and half-siblings) If I ran into them in a store, I might possibly turn around and ignore them. If I see the phone ringing and it is one of them, I do not answer. DH and I have navigated this muddy water/relationship issues for years too, and it's not gotten better.....we are going on four months of not talking to them, and it's good right.now.....but the minute one of them calls, it will be not-so-good in a heartbeat.
What I have learned so far through counseling and just having to "suck it up and deal with it" is that I CANNOT control their behavior, their comments, their attitudes....none of it. The dirty looks directed at me, the snide comments in front of our kids.....they own those, and the only thing *I* can control is my own behavior and my own attitude. I usually remove myself from the situation and take the kids with me, but it will never, ever get any better. DH knows that if something bad is said in front of the kids, we leave. If someone shoots me a dirty look, we leave. Ground rules. If he is having a wonderful time hanging out with them, he stays there alone. (Which he has never done, thank god.)
I am to the point now where I can honestly let go of most of the hatred and anger associated with them, but I will never forget what has been said and done. I forgive them because they are the ones who are losing out, and their behavior is horrible because they don't know any better. It sucks to be them. At least I know that I am doing the right thing for my family, and while that stings a little, it's better than being in a situation/relationship that is toxic every.single.time.
But "understanding" a person is more on my wavelength!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My MIL is not a nice person, not even close. I no longer hold onto the evil in her. I have learned that she needs the "drama" to be happy, and I can control my part and my part only. I do not go visit except for very special occasions (baptisms, etc.) I will not stay at her house. I do not call, ever.
DH understands and has also limited contact to protect himself (and me). It sounds like your DH is doing the same. Good.
In terms of forgiving, you need to pray and breathe. I know it sounds small, but say a prayer for her happiness. Pray that she finds peace in her heart. That is all you can do. Eventually, your heart will lighten.
Good luck.
Why are you obligated to "forgive"? - I think the best way to look at it is through acknowledging who they are as people and coming to terms with that. Also, understanding that you dont have to have a relationship with them - its nice, but not necessary.
The most important thing here is that your husband is supportive of you, and makes it clear that he will not tolerate any disrespect. He has to set the boundaries, and you guys just live with whatever those are.
At the end of the day, as annoying as in laws can be for some of us - they are small in the big scheme of things.
How is the relationship with the rest of the extended family now that you're "done" with MIL and SIL? Do they believe the rumors? Do they shun you or treat you like garbage? I'm actually just curious about this one.
Even if you forgive those who did you wrong, sometimes the most hurtful of things take a long time to forget. I think with time it will vanish, but don't dwell on it if they're out of your life for good.
I don't think you "have" to forgive anything, especially if you're still having a hard time forgetting about all the hurtful things they did/said. Just remind yourself that they're out of your life and if the family members you do have a relationship with know you don't have anything to do with MIL/SIL and that MIL/SIL don't have any potential ammunition against you to "make a story," then chances are it won't happen again and you can put it all behid you.
Whatever you do, leave the past where it is. Dwelling on the past is unhealthy and there's nothing you can do to change it. Focus on the future with your H and the people you care about, who care about you in return.