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Overly involved MIL
I want to hear how other people would deal with this. My MIL lives about 20 minutes away and she picks my kids up from daycare early in the afternoon and brings them to her house 3 days a week. Then my husband picks them up from her house on his way home from work. It's great for the kids- they love being with her, she loves having them, they get to spend time together and I don't have to be involved. it's a win-win. However, the downside is that I feel she is way too involved in their lives. Every little sniffle, cough, incident at daycare she knows about. Sometimes she'll even bring in extra clothes/diapers/wipes for them if she sees that they are running low when she picks them up. She wants an updated after every doctors appt. and will call me if she so much as hears a cough. I realize that she is trying to be helpful but it drives me CRAZY. It's like she thinks she's responsible for them.
So, I have this internal battle- Do I put some distance between her and our family or is that being selfish because I am the one having issues? I would never want to let my issues with her put a wedge in her relationship with her grandkids. She is really a wonderful grandmother but personally I don't like her or enjoy her company and never have. My husband is supportive and will call her out on things when I ask him to (or on his own if he feels the need to). But I feel that we can't ask her to back off but then also expect her to watch the kids so often. And I don't want to pull the kids away from her because then they would just be spending ore time at daycare. So do I just suck it up or should I be changing something?
Re: Overly involved MIL
It's like she thinks she's responsible for them.
She's picking them up from daycare 60% of the time and keeping them at her house three days a week. Of course she is responsible, to a degree, for them -- you and your DH have chosen to give her that responsibility!
I don't think it's all that odd for a grandparent to want updates after doctor's visits; my mom and MIL both like to hear how the kids are doing health-wise after their well-child checkups. Also, since she's a regular caregiver, it's not all that odd for her to tell you that a child has a cough or a sniffle. Wouldn't you want and expect to hear that sort of information from your other childcare providers?
I think this is the crux of your problem: "personally I don't like her or enjoy her company and never have." Because you don't like her, you're being annoyed by things that are, generally speaking, petty. (Being irritated that she's bringing in clothes or diapers or wipes if they're low at daycare? That's actually pretty helpful!) Ask yourself if you'd be annoyed by this behavior in anybody else. If the answer's no, then let it go.
You're right, you can't.
Like the previous poster pointed out, she IS involved in their lives.
How much of this is "mom guilt," meaning that it's not just an issue of her being overbearing or you not liking her... but maybe feeling guilty that you don't have the time or schedule to be the primary caregiver to your kids? I know that it's outdated to think that mothers need to be the mother hen... taking kids to and from school, being room moms, etc.... but I know a lot of women who regret not being able to do all that.
I'm 100% w/ scherza on this. This is about you not liking her. THink about it, REALLY think about it. If this were your mom, how would you feel?
My parents watch DS 2 days a week and they have a VERY vested interest in him and how he's doing. And I am more than happy to keep them aprised of whats going on w/ him.
Honestly, for free daycare (on my part), I feel it's a very small price to pay. You dont' say- do you pay her? If not, even more reason to back down from this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
AGREED!! Some people would kill for that kind of help!
It sounds like she has gotten quite comfortable at being their second care taker. She is a Grandmother who is probably just really happy to be helping with them, I don't think that she means any harm. HOWEVER, if I were feeling the way you are feeling (which, I believe I would be), I would probably not want to rock the boat too much. You can only suffer in silence for so long! I would not suggest that you be rude or shut her out of your lives at all because it sounds like she is wonderful to your children. It may be tempting to make certain comments to her, but the after-effects of saying something can last quite a long time. Proceed with caution. Giving updates is ok, but, if she is constantly bringing up things that you may already know, simply say, thanks for telling me, but, I'm on top of it!
Good luck doll, and I hope it all works out.
I think you are over-reacting. I, too, have a very involved MIL. DH's parents live about 20 miles from us, and we see them at least twice a week. They come to all their grandkids sporting events, concerts, recitals, etc. When we go out to eat, MIL is the first one to pull out goldfish or yogurt for DD. She is the first one to reach for DD when she gets fussy. However, MIL knows that my rules are my rules, and as long as she can respect my boundaries with my kids, I will let her have her moments with her grandkids.
That's my two cents.
I agree with what everyone else is saying. If you read some of the nightmare stories about mothers-in-law, on the nest, you would know that your MIL is someone most women would love to have.
She brings clothes, diapers and wipes to day care? Geez, throw a party in this woman's honor. This is a really nice thing.
My MIL takes my girls to school in the morning, picks them up in the afternoon and they stay with her until my husband and I get home from work. My husband picks them up from her home every day. She takes them while they are sick so I can go to work. She goes to dental and doctor appointments with me so that she can take them to home or school afterwards so I can go to work. If my husband and I want to go out for an evening, or away for a weekend, she drops whatever she is doing to watch them.....even at the last minute. Now that I am actually writing this, I want to throw a party in my MIL's honor. She is wonderful.
I completely understand how you feel. I would assume that you feel a lot like me, that you wish you were the one there picking them up, hearing that cough or sniffle, etc. There is guilt in being a working mom and knowing someone else is always there. By the way, I am not close with my MIL either and we don't hang out or anything like that either. In fact, our conversations are minimal and I don't find that to be a bad thing.
I am curious to hear your reasoning for not liking your MIL or her company. Particularly because your children are in her care. I do not 'care' for my MIL but it is for more large reasons than small. Her and I have very different views on family and the way people should be treated and for more reasons alone that I would never trust her or want her to watch mine & DH's future children.
It sounds like you are instilling your own, personal guilt in her. Maybe you envy MIL...just a little....for getting to spend that special time with your kids that you cannot? I think the extra wipes & diapers are a very 'grandma' thing to do and a nice gesture. Also, calling about health updates is normal.
Hi Shanners,
I appreciate your response! To answer your question- our personalities just don't mesh. We are very pleasant to each other and never rude. She is just not someone that I would choose to spend my time with if we weren't related by marriage. She is a total extrovert, doting, ditzy person. I am introverted, reserved and more serious. I don't like talking to her because she asks 5,000 questions and talks, talks, talks. So you see, there really isn't anything wrong with her. We just have very different personalities. Certianly nothing that would ever raise a red flag in trusting her with my kids. It took her a long time to start treating us like adults so for a long time that was my main issue with her. It's gotten better now that we have our own family but it's still hard to enjoy spending time with her.
well, i think you have some control issues, i think you need to lighten up. there are worse things your mil could be doing other than being overly nurturing to your kids.
that said, i can totally understand why it would bother the piss out of you anyways. you just gotta get over it, it doesn't sound that bad, as long as your mil isnt overstepping any of your directions about the kids or trying to raise them differently from you... i think you just gotta let this one go.