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problem - kinda long
i have a huge problem that started months ago........my dad was suppose to pay for flowers(for wedding) and $500 towards photos. him and my mom are divorced. my mom paided for ALOT, in total about 2,200 plus a 400 cash gift for us for wedding. my dads total if he would have done what he was suppose to was 1,000
my dad is remarried and him and his wife are pretty good finacally. they both work have 2 new cars,,5-6 vacas a year and they def dont go without anything. my mom also works but is on her own dont get me wrong she has a nest egg(from divorce).
about 3 months into wedding planning there were problem with us and my dad and wife. nothing huge just usual wedding stuff. they kept saying i was stressed and i wasnt( i really wasnt) anyways they paided for flowers when the final payment came for photos my husband text them and told them both. they said NOTHING !!!!!!! i only had a week to pay balance so when i was on my way to pick them up i called my dad and still NOTHING ???? so now we are 2 months later and he still hasnt said ANYTHING !!!! my mom spoke with him and he said he dosnt feel he has to explain his $ to anyone and he dosent have it. then he said oh well its not like they dont have the $ to pay for it thereself.my mom said thats not the point, you told them you would pay. what if they didnt have it they would loose the 1500 they already paided and all there photos.
so of course this is causing a HUGE problem not only with myself but with husband. we have always been close to my dad and his wife. i just dont know what to do. if i say anything to my dad he just get defense and makes me look like the bad guy and if i dont say anything husband says im scared.
i havent talked to him since halloween, we have kids and on halloween he came over for trick or treating. husaband told him he could do anything with the kids but he and his wife are not welcome in our home. they stayed to trick or treat but his wife was a b*itch to me she walked 2 houses ahead and didnt say anything.
i was thinking about writing them a letter but i just feel like a broken recored. im just to the point of IM DONE, i really dont want anything to do with them. its not about the $ its the point. i am your only daugheter and if you said you were goingt to pay you should have and i you couldnt you could at least have enough resept for me to tell me
oh yeah best part almost forgot, THEY GAVE US NOTHING, for are wedding not even a card.
Re: problem - kinda long
I'm sorry that your dad didn't pay for the photos like he said he would. I think that sucks, especially having to come up with the $500 photo balance a week before the wedding.
However I must disagree when you say he gave you nothing for the wedding - they did pay for flowers, correct?
Both my mom and stepdad, my dad and stepmom, and aunt gave us money towards various things for the wedding, which we also considered their gift to us.
Personally I wouldn't let $500 come between me and my dad, but you have to do what's right for you.
I agree with this. Honestly, my parents didn't pay for anything for my wedding and they didn't give us a gift either. I was a little disappointed, but it's not the end of the world.
Perhaps the reason your dad is getting defensive is because he really doesn't have the money. Maybe after he's spent on cars and vacations and all that something has happened and he's not in as strong of a place financially. That's embarrassing to have to admit, and I agree with him, not really anyone's concern but his and his wife's.
It sucks they didn't pay for what they said they would, and it sucks that he's not giving you an explanation. But that's why so many people tell you not to spend the money until it's in your hands/bank account. Financial issues don't always work out how people hope they will. I'm sure he had good intentions and doesn't feel good about the fact that he didn't/couldn't pay.
If it were me, I would avoid any more confrontation - I wouldn't write the letter, etc. I also think it's a bit harsh to forbid them in your house and be done with them over $500, but that's just me. I can't say what's the right decision for you.
I ditto both PPs. I do think it sucks that your dad said he would pay for it and didn't, but unfortunately this kind of thing happens. And if he's saying he doesn't have the money, you really shouldn't force it. He probably should have told you sooner that he was no longer able to pay, but that ship has sailed and at this point, I think dropping it is the only option.
As for the gift - both my mom and my dad (who are divorced) gave us a little money for the wedding, and neither gave us a gift and I wasn't expecting one.
I'm sorry you're in such a tough position. PP's are correct though - your dad & his wife did give you something when they paid for the flowers. And they make valid points about why he didn't pay and is refusing to talk to about it. His finances may very well have changed since he said he would pay.
Writing a letter is passive-aggressive (although, I'll admit, it would be my first choice too). It's easier said than done, but you need to talk to your dad. I think, if it's truly not about that money, that's what you need to say to your dad. Tell him you're hurt he won't give you an explanation why he didn't pay up.
Unless there's more to the story, I have to say, this doesn't seem like enough reason to ban him and his wife from your house.
Ok, I half-agree, half-disagree with PP. If you talked it out and specifically agreed with your dad on him paying for the flowers and $500 towards the photos, it's really crappy that he didn't pay the $500 and didn't say anything. Yes, people's parents don't have to pay for their weddings. But, if they said explicitly they were going to and didn't, you do have a right to be angry with him not saying he couldn't anymore.
Going around the issue (i.e. having your mom talk to him, saying he's not welcome, and writing a letter) probably isn't going to do much for either of you. Not acknowledging that a big argument happened isn't going to help either. Maybe set up a time to talk just you and your dad, be honest that you felt hurt, and listen to what he has to say.
I sometimes have the problem of "listening": arms crossed, eye brows up, hmmfp - ing at everything I disagree with, and planning my next retort. Not saying that you're doing this, but it's been helpful to me to change my body language, acknowledge what they're saying, and turn down the screaming 4 year old inside my head.
Things aren't going to get better overnight, but if you both want it to get better and both make a real effort, it can.
thanks eyeryone, 2 days after the wedding he paided $600 for a kick out addition on his garage for his new $46,000 truck he bought that was to big to fit in his garage.
i just feel that me, my wedding etc just wasnt important to him
i have kids, 1 boy and 1 girl and when my baby girl gets married you better believe her dad will do whatever it takes to give her what she wants. husband sold his porshe to help pay for are wedding. life is abput choices and i feel that he made the CHOICE to make it not important. i dont understand why i wasnt important.maybe if he would have said somthing it would have been easier but still 2 months later im not even worth a phone call.im just hurt and its hard to seperate emotion from reason
thanks again ladies
Everyone said it was crappy. Not a single person said 'parents don't have to pay for weddings, you shouldn't be angry'. What we ARE saying is that it sucks, but there's really not much that she can do about it. Situations like this aren't awesome, but they happen.
I should have been more explicit in what I agreed and did not agree with. Yes, everyone agrees that it's crappy. She can't make it not happen, but she can have a real conversation instead of acting passive aggressively or doing nothing.
I don't think she was expecting a gift, but surprised that there wasn't even a card. I would expect that all involved parents would give a card, just to say "I love you, and I'm happy for you."
And she never said she banned them from the house, that was her husband. And I wouldn't say his reaction is uncommon. It's not his parents, and beyond the actual money he sees that it upset his wife. She's trying to explain that it's a combo of the money, the hurt, and being stuck in an awkward place between her dad and her hubby. I understand. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I would say try and sit down with him and explain how it's all made you feel, and that if he really didn't have the money you wouldn't care - he should have just explained it to you instead of making you think he was blowing you off. I would also try telling DH that while it does matter to you, and you're not just going to drop it, he has to understand it's a tough place for you to be in so he has to give you time to deal with it because you want to make sure you can maintain a happy relationship with all members of your family - new or old.
HTH