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Thanksgiving dilemma
Hi all. My husband and I will be having our second go-around with the holiday's since we've been married. When we dated/engaged, the holidays have always been split between families and there had not been complaints. My parents live about three hours away, while my H's family lives about six and his parents are divorced.
H and I have started talking about alternating Thanksgiving but having Christmas at our home and whoever would like to join us, they are welcome to! With work, it makes it so hard to do Christmas and travel. In a way, I'd like to start our own traditions. Thanksgiving comes with a weekend and it makes traveling alittle easier. We plan on doing this in 2011 since this holiday season is already planned Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his.
Problem: this year my family gets us for Thanksgiving. My parents would rather come to our house (their decision) which is fine for my H and I. H gets a call from his mother stating that she will be 45 minutes away with friends of the family and we should join her - knowing my family has Thanksgiving. H immediately told her "no, MIL & FIL are having thanksgiving with us, that wouldn't be fair" in so many words. (yay!) I wouldn't be upset about this accept: 1) she hasn't bothered visiting since last Christmas - she blows a lot of hot air about visiting but never makes a commitment to, 2) she can be very territorial about the holidays. When we go to be with his family, we have to split with his dad and mom. Whenever we are with his dad, she burns up H phone wanting to know when we are coming out. 3) she didn't even ask. She could have said "H, I am coming up to so-so's for thanksgiving, would it be okay to stop by or join you, do you have plans?" she just assumed. This kind of thing happens often.
There are deeper issues that would take a whole other post to write. MIL and I had a fantastic relationship, but she has distanced herself from me since our marriage and I've stopped trying so hard to bend over backwards to please her. She happens to be pretty passive aggressive and manipulative. H and I didn't get to take a honeymoon right away, but when we finally got away, she called H at 9:00am on one of the days to just "chat". Who calls their son on their honeymoon anyway?
The thanksgiving converstation happened on Monday and H hasn't picked up the phone for her since. I feel not talking to her is extreme, but I'm also tired of being disrespected since our marriage. I'm so thankful that H has taken charge and has stood his ground on this issue with his mother, but any advice what to do from here? I've pretty much thrown my hands up in the air on our relationship with her. I'm always polite and I don't act different when I see her, because she is my H mom and I do love her, but I'm kind of at a loss here. TIA!
Re: Thanksgiving dilemma
For one, I think having Christmas at your own home is an excellent idea. Hey, it has to start at some point, no time like the present. As far as MIL is concerned, I would just drop it. You have said your peace about THanksgiving plans and nothing more needs to be said. She is allowed to be disappointed and upset but that does not mean you have to change your plans. Trust me, the world won't end if she is upset with you guys.
Will she be close on Friday ? If you guys are free maybe you can do something then.
Oh and don't let her "light up your phone." Turn off the phone and enjoy yourselves. She certainly can't force you to answer all of her calls.
HOnestly, some of what you wrote here is nit-picky. Some of this is about you understanding and working w/ who she is - not who you want her to be. And some of it is also about how you all respond.
She "didn't ask"? Eh, so what? It's not like your DH said "ok mom, we'll come see you.". He still said no, even if she didn't frame it as a question.
On her visiting (or lack there of), so? W/ the relationship you described, is it really a bad thing that she doesn't come and see you all? This might kind of be a "don't look the gift horse in the mouth" situation.
I think it's GREAT that he's not answering the phone! He HAS to set some boundaries. You complain that she "burns up the phone" when you all are at his dad's - well.... now he's learning he doesn't have to answer every single call, and she's learning he won't answer every time she calls. GOOD.
Your DH is actually handling this perfectly. So, step back and let him continue to do so. She is who she is. As much as it sucks, she is who she is and wishing and wanting for her to be someone else just isn't going to work. You all need to keep your distance from her, and, again, your DH is doing the right thing here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10